Disclaimer: Severus and Remus don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them. The lyrics are by Nightwish. A beautiful band I've recently discovered, and so many of their songs make me think of Sev and Remmie.

Dedication: For each and everyone of you whom stuck with this to the end. Thank you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't bother writing.

Author's Note: Well, I'm finally getting around to updating this. I was ill today, stayed home from work. (Yay, work!) and am now holed up in my bedroom with a box of cookies and my computer. Let's see what I come up with, eh?

Well, here we go. Severus tells Remus all about his sordid, Death Eater past. Here comes the disturbing stuff. be warned. And...I'm rather sorry to say, but this is the last chapter. Wow. I finished. I really am fond of this series. I hope you all enjoyed it. Feel free to archive it in it's entirety, just let me know first.

Someday Out of the Blue

Chapter 15

//Come cover me with you//
//For the thrill till you will take me in//
//Come comfort me in you//
//Young love must live twice only for us.//

Things were catapulting out of control now. Severus knew that, but was used to it happening. It had happened so many years ago, when he had joined Lord Voldemort. He had ended up caught up in something that threatened to sweep him away. Something he had deliberated over entering into, something he knew could be a horrible idea, but something he felt was the right decision regardless. Joining the Death Eaters had been one of the worst decisions of his life. Would Remus Lupin be any better?

//I suppose I ought to tell him everything.// Remus deserved at least that. To hear the entire story. //If he is willing after hearing everything, then I suppose...//

That was a rather big if. Severus had done many, many things in his life that he was ashamed of. He had killed. He had killed with little remorse until much later. Muggles, wizards...he had, at one point, enjoyed the killing. That had been a wake up call for him. He had not raised his hand in violence since. He was too afraid, that it would all come back to him. And now...he had been very careful, arranging things so that he would not be called upon by the Dark Lord for any of *those* tasks. He was too close to Dumbledore. He had worked too hard to allay everyone's suspicions. They were watching him.

//He must know.// There was no way that Voldemort could not. //You love a dead man, Remus. I hope you are prepared for that.//

Severus decided he had given himself enough time to think. In truth, he had made up his mind the moment he kissed Lupin. There had been a passion there, an intensity that had long been missing from Severus' life. It was something that could not be denied. //How long will we linger, eh?// He leaned back, hands templed. Why, in all honesty, should he deny himself this? Remus was more then willing. But...

//I truly do not think I've much time left. I *could* curb my activity. But I refuse to do so. I have given Dumbledore my word, and I will not revoke it. I swore my life was his, and I would do all I could. There is time for me left, though precious little. I am sorry, Remus. I will give you what I have, if you still want it.// He rose, smoothing his black robes, brushing away what wrinkles and folds there were.

'You know where to find me.' Yes, Severus knew exactly where Remus would be. In that pathetic excuse for a room. It looked as though no one lived there, in truth. Remus had precious few things, it seemed. Not that that was all too surprising. It was a long walk between the rooms. It gave Severus plenty of time to put his thoughts in order.

//Do not hold anything back. He must know what it is he is binding himself too. Tell him everything you can. If he requests details, give them to him.// It would be difficult, and painful, but it had to be done. Remus had to know. And he had to hear from none other but Severus.

The door was closed. It was generally left ajar...why was that? Ah yes. The kitten. Severus shuddered. He really did abhor pets. He saw no point to them. They took up space, time, money...and what did one get in return? Responsibility for something that had an undetermined lifespan. And he had named the thing Aragorn....that, in Severus' opinion, was literary sacrilege.

"Lupin, are you in?" He called, not bothering to knock.

"Yes!"

//I was half hoping he was out.// Well, it was now or never. He pushed open the door, eyes immediately falling on Lupin, curled on his bed, gold and silver hair falling to obscure part of his face, small brown furred bundle held on his lap. He looked rather small. Then he looked up, golden eyes meeting Severus', and he smiled. //Damn him.//

"Severus." His voice was warm, and began to rise, hands cupping the kitten to move it.

"Don't bother." Severus held up his hand, crossing the room in a few long strides. He sat on the edge of the bed, hands clasped tightly in his lap.

"May I help you with something?" Remus' hands moved in nervous patterns over the kitten's back.

"There are things we need to discuss." Severus' eyes were narrowed, and his lips compressed themselves into a think line. It wasn't a facial expression he adopted consciously, it was simply out of habit. he was doing something unpleasant, but that had to be done.

"Oh. Well, certainly. Would you like some tea?"

//So damn polite.// "No, thank you. I'd really rather simply get this over and done with, if it's all the same to you."

"Of course..." Remus' eyes were curious. Obviously, he was wondering what exactly it was that Severus wanted to discuss with him.

"I have already told you what I was." Severus began, and Remus nodded. "If you....insist on pursuing something with me, you may wish to hear everything. I doubt you will be so keen on your feelings afterwards."

"I wouldn't be so sure. But....continue." Remus sat back, head cocked to regard Severus as he spoke.

"I did things." The Potions Master was not entirely sure how he was going to go about this. He had never spoken these things aloud, save once in a sobbing confession to Dumbledore. Now was not the time for sobbing or heartfelt divulgences. "Things I am not proud of. Oh, I was proud of them at the time, don't harbor any illusions of me being forced into anything. I did everything that I was told to with little thought or qualm."

Severus paused. He decided he would simply allow the words to come. It was easier that way. He kept his eyes on Remus'. He wanted to see the reaction there, see what went through the werewolf's mind at his admissions.

"I was insignificant, at first. Running errands, gathering information, things of that nature. But I was discreet. Adept at what I did. I moved through the ranks quickly. I enjoyed the praise. I made my first kill at age nineteen." //Made my first kill. Dear lord, that sounds...maudlin.// "I used the killing curse. It was a muggle, one who had stumbled onto something he shouldn't have. I hardly thought twice about it. They say that the first is the hardest, but I would beg to differ." Severus ran a hand through his hair, amazed to see no change in Remus' expression. It was as polite and attentive as it ever was.

"I soon tired of the death curse. It was...too easy. And I've always had an interest in the workings of the human body. There were far more...*interesting* ways to achieve the same end." //Interesting. Grotesque. Horrific. It's all the same, in the end.// "Pain until the heart gave out, that was a favorite. And of course there were hands on methods." //That does not need to be spoken of. Unless he asks.// "All in all, over my years with Lord Voldemort, I killed close to a hundred people. Muggles and wizards alike. And very few went with anything so merciful as Avada Kedavra."

Severus looked hard at Remus' expression. There was....acceptance there? After that. //Perhaps I should have told him. The things a simple knife can do are amazing. Far more painful then any curse.//

"What made you stop?"

It was, in all honesty, the last thing Severus expected to hear. He paused, before nodding slowly. //I did say I would answer any questions he had for me.//

"I found...I had come to enjoy it." The words were hard to say. They stuck in his throat, thick and hot. "At first it was scientific. I was simply...curious. I took no pleasure from the actual pain, only from the knowledge I had gained. But then I began to enjoy the killing itself. I enjoyed their screams. Their pleas for mercy when I knew they would not be answered. It....frightened me." he shuddered, unbidden and before he could stop it.

"But you don't anymore." It wasn't a question, it was a simple statement, and Severus found he could no longer look into those trusting, amber eyes. //I do not deserve such understanding.//

"No. I don't anymore."

"Severus..." There was a tiredness in Remus' voice. "We all have done things we regret. It's part of being human. I...I won't lie to you. Your past frightens me. I've never killed before in my life. Not that I haven't wanted to. The urge to hurt is there, near the time of my transformation. But...that's not who you are."

"We are what we have done, Remus." Severus looked up, bitter smile curling on his lips.

"No." Remus shook his head. "What we do makes us who we are, true. But there's more to it then that. And...that was a small part of your life. I'm not going to turn away from you because of things that happened in your past. I know that what you did and who you are are two different things. Regardless of the fact that you were a Death Eater, you are also Severus Snape. You're intelligent, insightful, meticulous, passionate when you want to be...that doesn't change simply because I know something new about you."

"Mmm." Severus couldn't help but wonder if there was hidden meaning in that statement. //Still proving yourself better then others, eh Lupin?// It had been Remus' lycanthropy that had ended their first attempt. Severus had turned away from him with hardly a thought. And now, when the roles were reversed, Remus was willing to ignore faults and simply accept.

"I still love you." The werewolf said simply. "I'll always love you."

"Your loyalty is admirable." Severus drawled. "But I should also warn you...forever may not be as long as you think."

"I'm sure it will be as long as it needs to be." Remus smiled softly, pushing the kitten from his lap. He leaned forward, hand cupping Severus' cheek.

"I mean what I say, Remus...Voldemort does not have mercy for traitors." He took Remus' wrist, long fingers wrapping about it tightly.

"I know." Remus nodded, sadly. "But you're strong. You've survived before, you'll survive now."

"I doubt it." Severus laughed bitterly.

"Shh. Enough." Remus placed a finger over Severus' lips. "If you have to be morbid, do it elsewhere."

"I am morbid, Remus."

"Not now, please?"

"Fine." Severus nodded, allowing Remus to pull him down into a kiss. //Well, I gave him the choice. It seems he insists....//

"I love you." Remus mumbled, lips finding Severus' jaw line.

"Yes, yes, I know." The fervent emotional declarations made Severus a bit uncomfortable.

"I take it you've made up your mind?" Remus' lips were on his neck now.

"Yes."

"And?" Tongue tracing a path along his throat.

"What in hell do you think, you fool?" Severus jerked Remus' head up, capturing his mouth with his own, tangling his fingers in soft tawny hair.

"I'll take that as a yes." Remus chuckled, tongue slipping between Severus' lips. Severus allowed himself to be pulled down on top of the werewolf in a fierce tangle of limbs and clothing. Remus' lips were searing on his skin, fervent and demanding. The sheer passion in the other man overwhelmed Severus.

//I suppose there is no harm. I am overdue what happiness I can find.// Hands were clawing at his robes, as a warm tongue snaked down his neck to linger at the place where his neck met his shoulder. Apparently Remus was eager to make up for lost time. And, Severus admitted to himself, so was he.

"I..." Severus wasn't sure he could say the words. Remus glanced up, smoldering eyes locking on Severus'.

"Yes?" Remus murmured, voice deep and husky.

"Do I have to say it?" Words a tad more plaintive then Severus had intended.

"No." Remus shook his head.

"I do, but I...I am not free with my words, Remus." Severus stroked the werewolf's hair, truly sorry that he could not give him what he wanted. //I do love you, Remus. But I cannot say the words. I simply cannot...// "I am sorry."

"I understand."

And for once, those words did not carry with them any sadness. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Severus let out a small laugh, before he found his lips captured once again, and neither one of them had any use for words for quite some time.

~~~

The End