Chapter 1

"That's not how it works!"

If there was anyone who Jimmy blamed the most, it would be Earnest Jones. No – scratch that. The entire virginal clique so loving called The Nerds were the ones to blame.

Although a bit harsh, in Jimmy's mind none of this would have started if not for those bi-speckled dorks. Then again Ms Peabody and Nurse McRae were also at fault here. If not for them no one would have found out.

Then again he supposed nature itself was at fault, after all it had made him this way.

/X\

It had started that Monday afternoon just after English class had ended.

Mr Galloway, although no longer drinking on school grounds anymore, felt extremely nauseous. He had reason to be after all, seeing how the quarterly inspection of the school was underway.

Dr Crabblesnitch had spent the entire day corralling the bored and very wealthy (he had empathised that part) Superintendent around choice parts of the school. All but threatening certain students with expulsion if they acted as they normally did.

The Superintendent had just finished looking at the Home Economics room and was now about to finish his route at the English room, a subject which the imposing man had a distinct hatred for.

Before Galloway could grab his keys and bolt it for the nearest window, the door swung open violently, revealing both the Principal and the ever feared inspector.

What was his name again? The teacher wondered. He was sure he had heard it somewhere.

"Ahh! Mr Galloway, so nice of you to stick around to greet our dear Superintendent." Crabblesnitch exclaimed, talking in a dramatic fashion usually preserved for new students and their oblivious parents. "I trust everything is in tip-top shape?"

The Superintendent was a fierce man with an even fiercer face. He stared daggers into the young English teacher.

Was it Gilbert? He tried to remember before answering hesitantly. "Of course, sir. Just had to grade a few extra papers." That was a lie, in actuality he was waiting for Ms Phillips to be finished with the photography club so he could drive her home.

When the inspector turned coldly to examine the back of the room, Crabblesnitch sent Galloway a pained look. Nothing was going right today. From what the younger man knew, at least three stinks bombs (and three accompanying fire alarms) had been set off at different times during the day along with a ten minute food fight that started just as the inspector reached the lunch room.

Was it maybe Goldman? Or Garner? He continued to wonder. He had never stuck around long enough during inspections to get a good look at the man, let alone speak with him. But he did know him to be extremely proud and dignified. And stuffier than a nose full of cotton no doubt.

"What is your class currently reading Mr Galloway?" The teacher jumped at the sound of his own name. The inspector was casting a disgusted sneer at the bookcase running along the back of the class, sparsely lined with paperbacks.

"Oh! Well... " Dammit! What was the book he gave out at the start of term? His eyes flickered to the dusty brick he kept as a paperweight, remembering that it had started life as a board-mandated snore fest."We've... just finished Catcher in the Rye and I've recently made the orders for this terms reading material. So please excuse the bare shelves. The students and I have agreed that last term's book was rather deary so I took it upon myself to order The Hogfather."

Both the principal and the inspector looked at the English teacher with confusion.

"It's a comedic fantasy by Terry Pratchett." Galloway explained, trying to avoid eye contact with the inspector. Gardner? Gerber? Goethe? "I thought it would be a good step to show the children that there can be stories that are well written but also light hearted. Plus it would be a treat, coming up to Christmas and all-"

"And what of my Granddaughter Priscilla? How has she been faring?"

Priscilla? Galloway was sure that he'd never had a Priscilla in his class. C'mon you only got like twelve female students. Pick one! Wait, Priscilla, prissy, princess, prep, Pinky!

"Miss Gauthier?" He asked, more to himself than anyone else, and almost sighed in relief when the Superintendent (who he supposed was now Mr Gauthier) nodded. The teacher wasn't really surprised, most of the school board was made up of Bullworth's old money types. All he had to do was butter this guy up until he'd go away.

"She... has been doing quite well. She did a side project based on Pride and Prejudice and went into some exceptional detail about the work. She has quite the way with classics." He didn't lie there, Pinky did have a knack for historical fiction even if she didn't like others knowing about it.

Mr Gauthier seemed to soften at this remark, his relaxed walk coming to a sudden halt at a desk nearer to the front of the class.

"Who's desk may this be?"

The desk was extremely neat unlike others in the room, almost to the point that the wood grain shone. The legs strained against the weight of the many notebooks and essays left inside by it's owner. Typically students didn't "own" desks but since it was reserved for a certain person it was allowed.

Crabblesnitch thankfully stepped in to take over the exposition. "Ahh! That's the desk of our current class president Earnest Jones. An intelligent young man you see! He was able to filter an extra 5% of our budget into academics, although now we can't afford basic sporting equipment, at least we have new chalk!" He explained this in his usual vigour and was rather surprised that the Superintendent actually seemed to be listening to him.

"I see." Mr Gauthier replied, his eyes focusing on a strip of paper peaking out from the inside of the desk. Interested, he looked up at the English teacher and asked. "May I?"

Galloway gulped nervously, he knew that Earnest had a fascination with a certain role-playing game and was dreading the inspector's reaction to seeing cards beyond cards of magical monsters and mythical men. But before he could make a half-assed excuse, Crabblesnitch answered for him.

"But of course! Though I doubt you'll find any of his skeletons in there."

Both Mr Galloway and Mr Gauthier quietly groaned at the lame attempt of a joke and the inspector began riffling through the desk.

The English teacher actually sighed in relief this time. None of Earnest's usual paraphernalia was in the desk, just a stray textbook and an over-stuffed binder full of laminated notes. There must have been a game tonight.

"There! Nothing out of the ordinary. He likes to keep his work organised you see." The principal continued, gesturing to the contents. "Neat and efficient as any class president should be. Now if we could finish our inspection in the office..."

"But of course." Mr Gauthier said in a disappointed tone, hoping to have found something damning inside the desk. Straightening himself back up, the Superintendent winced when his hip collided with the corner of the desk. Looking back at it once more, he was surprised to see a thick paperback book slip out of the binder. The cover was a pale pink with the back having a distinct cartoonish drawing along with a title in a language he didn't recognise.

Galloway had just about calmed down when he saw the inspector pick up the small book. Quickly he thought aloud. "Oh that must be one of Earnest's comic things. I don't know what they're called but apparently you have to read them backwards to get the story."

"A comic book? In class? Inconceivable!" Crabblesnitch exclaimed in mock horror, trying to gauge the inspector's reaction.

"It's called a Manga." Mr Gauthier explained suddenly, drawing confused looks from the two other men. "Priscilla has a few of them, Sailor something-or-other. She likes to have them imported from Japan months before their English release dates."

The English teacher's heart was pounding heavily, still very nervous, wanting nothing more than for the inspector to get bored and just leave already. God I need a drink! "Oh. Are they any good?"

"Mindless fantastical drivel in my opinion. But children seem to like them obviously." Mr Gauthier replied, beginning to thumb through the pages, going right-to-left.

Crabblesnitch and Galloway took the opportunity to share worried glances and began peaking over the taller man's shoulders to look at the odd comic.

It seemed to be something about a male hero on a journey and an evil force going across the land and a group of beautiful women he kept meeting along the way. They couldn't tell exactly what was going on as the text was in Japanese. It seemed harmless enough.

Until they skipped a few pages.

The room was dead silent. No one breathed, spoke, or even moved. The only sensations were the breeze from the open window, the sound of children playing outside, and the strong scent of Edna's cooking.

Also the black and white image of a hermaphroditic bovine demoness with three sets of genitalia.

"WHAT?!"

The ear-piercing roar was heard throughout campus, blasting out the ear drums of loitering Bullies too slow to get out of the fallout zone. All but Russell falling to the ground in agony, clutching their hands to their heads.

The Nerds in the library were broken from their G&G sessions, the shock causing them to scatter their cards and character pieces onto the floor. Melvin wept in despair, a whole month of story planning wasted.

The Greasers in Shop class all simultaneously lifted their ear muffs, going outside to check on their bikes in case one of the engines had blown. They breathed a sigh of relief when they saw that their rides were alright.

The Jocks in sports practice only heard a wisp of the noise but were distracted long enough to cause a domino effect of at least seven football players to slam into each other. All falling into a sore heap on the left half of the field. The gym teacher yelled in frustration.

The Preps, happily tucked away in Harrington House, all turned their heads to the sound. All of them recognising the voice. Pinky and Derby jumped up from their place on the sofa and bounced happily out the door whilst yelling in delight. "Grandfather Lou is here!"

Jimmy Hopkins and Pete Kowalski were busy trying to beat each other's high scores in Future Street Racer 2165. So they didn't react.

/X\

"Filth! On school grounds!?"

"Mr Gauthier I assure you, we had no idea-"

"This is inexcusable! Crabblesnitch, am I to believe that your students are running around with this sort of reading material!?"

The shouting could be heard from the main hall.

By this point, everyone in the school had gotten wind of the situation and were either laughing their asses off or (if you were Earnest) were keeping their heads down and blushing furiously.

Meanwhile inside the principal's office, Crabblesnitch was slowly sinking more and more downwards into his leather-backed chair as Mr Gauthier paced around the room and shouted like a general criticising his troops.

Now Dr Crabblesnitch was no meek man, but he had to hold his tongue when addressing members of the board. One wrong word and he could be out of a job and out of town.

"This must be addressed immediately! How do we know if our children are practising these acts with safety and caution?"

It took the shorter man a few seconds to process what Mr Gauthier had just said. "I beg your pardon, sir? I doubt any student would even dare think of doing what that... smut depicted." He frowned at his own choice of words, feeling like he was a deer caught in headlights.

Mr Gauthier continued his tirade, now glaring at the principal with dagger-like eyes. "Poppycock! I KNOW teenagers Ralph!" Crabblesnitch winced at the use of his first name and felt like sinking into the ground if he could. "They are boisterous, disobedient, and will hump each other like dogs in heat if you take your eyes off them for even a second!"

Now impassioned, Crabblesnitch quickly raised himself from his chair and tried his best to look authoritative "Bullworth teaches only the most virtuous of morals and the thought of it's students engaging in... intercourse is ghastly!"

"Just because it's unpleasant doesn't mean it won't happen!" The superintendent replied back, an angry red vein now visible across his right temple. "I've seen students canoodling outside classrooms and I've heard very suspect noises coming from the bathrooms. And I swear within a minute of arriving I saw a young man roughly embrace and kiss two others!"

"Hopkins." The principal muttered under his breath. He knew for a fact that the fifteen year old delinquent was infamous for his rampant romantic escapades, ones that even included other male students. And the thought of him in those situations was...

Crabblesnitch shivered with revulsion, children shouldn't even be thinking about such acts! Then again he would have to admit that disbelief wouldn't stop any number of venereal diseases and teen pregnancies that plagued the youth of today. Defeated he asked "And what are your suggestions to remedy this issue?"

"Do. Your. Job." Mr Gauthier punctuated each word with venom. "Educate your students on these matters. I am not allowing my dear Priscilla become tied down with some pauper's mistake just because her waste of a principal didn't see it fit to teach her about the finer points of breeding!"

The use of the word "breeding" made Crabblesnitch uncomfortable yet again. He should have known that there was a selfish component to all this. Pinky Gauthier was part of a very wealthy family and to see her go down the aisle in a shotgun wedding would be a horrendous blight on her family's reputation.

An idea popped into his head.

"Actually, it has been a long while since our last mandated sexual education class. Perhaps I and the other teachers should broaden the topics discussed? Maybe even in depth discussions on the subject?"

It was a long shot. Being in a fairly conservative area of New England, the farthest the faculty of Bullworth were allowed to teach was "male stick go into female hole, out come baby" as if the act of creating life was as simple as constructing furniture from Ikea.

Mr Gauthier seemed to be pleased by this suggestion, relaxing his army sergeant pose. "That would be the most logical step. Make sure that it becomes effective immediately."

The superintendent walked to the door, pausing before he left. He turned around and left the principal with one last request. "And Ralph?"

"Yes, Louis?"

"Do something about that shirt-lifter I saw when I came in. That boy's disgusting display is a discredit to us all."

Before Dr Crabblesnitch could reply and perhaps argue about calling one his students "disgusting", the superintendent had already slammed the door shut. The voices of the Harrington House students could be heard greeting the old man as he went outside.

The principal now sat slumped in his chair. How was he supposed to explain the birds and the bees to the entire school?

/X\

"Hey Jimmy. Did you hear what happened to Earnest yesterday?" Petey asked his friend as he was busy at the shooting gallery. He winced when the bottle targets looked like it could fly off any minute.

Ping!

Going to the carnival was one of Jimmy's preferred after school activities, that and trying to beat everyone''s score at the arcade. So it wasn't a surprise when the larger boy hadn't stuck around long enough to pick up on that day's gossip.

Jimmy looked down the barrel of the fake gun and replied. "Not really. I don't think anything more exciting than a nosebleed happens to that guy."

Ping! Another green bottle.

"He was caught with porn by the superintendent."

This made Jimmy freeze and almost miss the Sheriff badge that flew across the range. A loud Ping and a small explosion of lights told him that he hadn't.

"380 points. You're a real sharpshooter!" The attendant said, passing him his tickets.

"Thanks." Jimmy took his tickets and began walking towards the exit to the carnival. It was late evening and he didn't want to be busted for being out past curfew. Turning his attention back to Petey he asked with an annoyed. "Let me guess. Nudie pics of all the other girls who wronged him?"

Petey shook his head, remembering the incident with Mandy a few months ago. "No, this time it was like one of those dirty comic books. A bit like the kind Pinky reads."

"Hentai?" Jimmy asked, gaining an odd look from the other. "I hang out at the comic store sometimes. You learn some weird crap if you stick around long enough."

"Well weird crap is what Earnest is into apparently." Petey quipped as they exited the tunnel from the carnival. "And the faculty are pissed. They're making it so we have to sit through an entire week of sex ed."

Jimmy frowned. Having been to multiple schools with varying levels of conservatism and sat through all of their own interpretations of sexual education, he didn't like where this was going.

"Let me guess; Don't have sex or you'll get pregnant and die."

Petey snorted out a laugh and replied. "Pretty much yeah. Last year I had to sit through Dr Slawter teaching it. All he did was tell us about all the diseases we'd be getting. Didn't learn anything but it did stop a mono outbreak."

"Gross." He said, looking a bit green. Though that might have been the damp coastal air as they walked pass the board walk. "Anyway, what do they expect to teach us what we don't already know? Bullworth isn't exactly a haven of purity."

"They're probably trying to hammer in the basics. I mean I have heard some pretty bad misconceptions around school."

"Like; Do it while standing up and you won't get knocked up?" Jimmy asked, amused by what was "common knowledge" to the other students. "Cola cleans out everything?"

"Right on the nose. But my favourite has to be; girls pee out the butt."

Jimmy slowed his pace and stared blankly off into space. Petey stopped and began waving his hand in front of Jimmy's face, wondering if the idiotic statement had left his friend comatose.

Then Jimmy collapsed onto the pavement and began howling with laughter. His friend was now the one to stare blankly as he shook with laughter.

"Oh my god! Pete, where did you hear such crap!? I mean I've heard some stupid shit, but that's up there with the period ones!" He wiped a tear from his eye and started straightening himself back up. "Who did you even hear that from?"

"Algie."

"Ahh. Well, that explains it."

Notes: Hi and thank you for reading! I've always really loved Bully and the characters, so I decided to write a story based around one of my personal headcanons for the character of Jimmy Hopkins. If you're wondering why him and why the specific headcanon; I got into the game during a very specific point in my life. Please a review and have a nice day. :D