CHAPTER 11:

A MOST SIRIUS MATTER

Ah, the thrill of the hunt. Even in life as Vlad the Impaler, Alucard loved the hunt, whether it be of animals, or of his enemies. Having been dropped off by helicopter in Scotland somewhere ahead of where Sirius Black was meant to be, Alucard had then sent out his familiars to try and track down Sirius, and soon got a response. He grinned. While Sirius was to be taken in alive and intact, Alucard felt like having some fun with him first. By all accounts, Sirius was something of a prankster, so he should appreciate this.

As he made his way towards Sirius' position, Alucard reflected on what his familiar, the one shaped into the catboy's pet, had relayed to him. So, Schrödinger, Rose, and the Girl Who Lived's little friends now knew that he was at Hogwarts. Hopefully, they wouldn't let slip to that old goat Albus. Of a greater concern for now was Walter.

Learning that the old butler had betrayed his master to Millennium had shaken the ancient vampire. Alucard had thought of Walter as an ally, a confidante, a friend. Betrayed him, betrayed Integra, all for power.

The sad thing was, in his centuries of life (well, unlife, but who wanted to split hairs?), Alucard was used to betrayal in the name of gaining more power. Hell, he had done it himself. But…it still stung, acutely.

It was all he could do not to abandon the mission here and now, call in the chopper, head back to Hellsing, and interrogate Walter, ensure that Integra was safe. But Walter wouldn't make a move until either Millennium did…or else he was threatened. Alucard, for all his reckless bloodlust, was no fool. Integra wasn't in immediate danger. And if Alucard was wrong, and Walter somehow decided to harm her in any way, well, his end would make what Alucard did in life as Vlad Tepes pale by comparison.

A bitter irony, then. By unearthing a traitor to the Potters, and talking with a traitor to Millennium, they had learned of a traitor to Hellsing.

Those thoughts were put on hold when he realised he was getting close to Sirius. He found a large black dog, bedraggled and starved-looking, surrounded by his familiars, hellhounds, with the largest of them, which he named Baskerville, growling at said dog. Alucard had named Baskerville after, well, there was an incident with Arthur Conan Doyle when the famous author attended a dinner party hosted by Abraham van Helsing, Alucard got drunk, and, well…yeah, it was a SNAFU of sorts.

Anyway, Sirius, in his dog form, could easily be mistaken as a Grim. Not only that, but he was currently at bay, a lovely mixture of fear, fury and defiance that warmed the cockles Alucard's heart. He may look like a dog currently, but he was facing down Alucard's familiars like a man, and only a man (or a woman: hell, he wouldn't mind getting staked in bed after banging someone as hot as Mina Murray or his master) could defeat a monster.

Alucard, who had been sticking to the shadows, emerged into the moonlight. "A lovely night for a walk, isn't it? A little moonlit stroll across the Scottish Highlands? Bloody cold in autumn, but that just adds a certain briskness to the air. I just have one question, though. How much is that doggy in the window?"

Sirius' dog form did a great impression of staring at Alucard incredulously. This was impressive, considering that dogs' faces were not made for more human expressions.

"Well, you've been hard to track down," Alucard said, entering the circle of his familiars, and approaching Sirius. "Annoyingly so, and for that, you deserve punishment," he added, reaching into his coat, pulling something out…and with lightning speed, he whacked Sirius over the head with it. "Bad doggy! Bad doggy!"

Sirius yelped in surprise as Alucard kept hitting him over the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Then, Alucard relented, and unfolded the newspaper, a back-issue of the Prophet. "Now, given that you're a fugitive on the run from the authorities, I can understand you not having a subscription to the Prophet. Which I wholeheartedly recommend having, by the way. You can use it for toilet paper, kindling, and if you feel particularly desperate, you can read it. Now, note the date and the headline. You've gone rambling along the Scottish Highlands for nothing!"

So engrossed he was in laughing mockingly at Sirius, Alucard didn't notice that Sirius had changed back into a human until the newspaper was snatched from his hands, and he got a foot to the groin. With a deadpan "Ow", he collapsed to his knees. More for comic effect than anything, but even to an immortal, nigh-invincible vampire, taking a shot to the cojones was still painful. "Y'know, I never thought you swung that way, Sirius old chap. But when I blow people, it's usually blowing them away with my guns, or blowing them up with high explosives. Then again, I was a chick in the Forties, and if you're that badly blue-balled from being in prison for over a decade, I'll bang you as Girlycard."

"Shut up," Sirius said, shooting Alucard a glare, before returning to read the newspaper. Then, after a moment, he paused, and stared at Alucard. "You were a girl…in the Forties," he said flatly.

"Yep!" Alucard shapeshifted into an older version of what Walter had once snidely dubbed 'Girlycard', a title Alucard adopted with gusto. Though he kept his usual voice. "Feeling tempted?"

After a few seconds of staring, Sirius eventually said, "…That is so disturbing on so many levels, it's not funny." After another pause, he added, not quite under his breath, "…I might take a raincheck."

After Alucard's resultant laughter died down, they stood there in silence, while Sirius read the article. Eventually, he thrust the newspaper at Alucard. "Normally, I wouldn't credit the Prophet with telling the truth…except it claimed that you found him and delivered him to Bones," Sirius said.

"Yep. I overheard your goddaughter and a new friend of hers discussing things, and, well, they realised that Pettigrew was masquerading as a pet of Rose's friend, one Ronald Weasley esquire. The details are not important. Anyway, afterwards, we decided to find a way to intercept you before you headed to Hogwarts. After all, the Dementors were still sent there, and I know for a fact that they hold grudges for impressively long times. You did manage to escape them, and they take that sort of blow to their pride very seriously."

"But the Ministry…?" Sirius asked.

"Well, Fudge is embarrassed, but he's managed to spin this as seeing the mistake of Bagnold and Crouch corrected by him. I wouldn't be surprised if that hag Umbridge sent the Dementors here to kill you anyway, for embarrassing Fudge and having the sheer gall and temerity to escape Azkaban, innocent or not. I might eat her one day, but I'm afraid she might repeat on me."

Sirius, after a moment of considering what Alucard told him, eventually shook his head. "That doesn't matter. Is Rose safe?"

"That's a rather subjective term, but if it helps, she has unlocked her heritage. You did know about her being a Cat Sìth, right?"

Sirius nodded. "And with void affinity. I met her not long ago, shortly after I escaped. She took fright and, well, used her powers to disappear."

"Good. Now, the problem is, she's befriended another of her kind with the same affinity. Hell, he's a pretty cute boy, I'm sure they'll be married and making kittens within the decade."

"…And what's the problem with that?"

"Only that he's a defector from a Nazi remnant with a major hard-on for one last war and with a view to killing me," Alucard said with a careless shrug.

"…What."

In his rented room, the Captain tossed and turned uneasily. While some of it could be put down to jet lag, the Loup-Garou was also anxious.

This shouldn't be mistaken as fear. The Captain had not felt fear of anything for quite some time. He could be startled and surprised, he could worry and dread, and could feel fear and terror briefly, but sustained fear had been alien to him for decades. Save for where Schrödinger was concerned, anyway.

Part of it was knowing that Schrödinger was in the castle, alone, with Alucard. That could be good or bad. After all, if Alucard consumed Schrödinger, then both would cease to be, becoming quantum phantoms incapable of willing themselves back into existence. But the Captain was also concerned for Schrödinger's life.

It didn't help that the bloody Dementors kept patrolling Hogsmeade. The aura may not affect him as badly as the humans here, but it still affected him, made him uneasy and restless.

Emitting an irritated huff, he left his room, and headed to the bar area of the Hog's Head, only to find a most extraordinary figure there. A tall, wide man, drinking ridiculous amounts of booze. He had to be half-Giant with those proportions. He was complaining to the proprietor, an older man who had introduced himself to the Captain as Aberforth Dumbledore, presumably the brother of the headmaster of Hogwarts.

"…But e'en so, tha' blonde lil ponce has gone cryin' ta his daddy," the giant man was saying, his thick accent made even thicker by alcohol-related slurring.

"Of course he would, Hagrid," Aberforth said. "But still, Hippogriffs. What were you thinking? They're a XXX-class creature! Maybe for OWLs students at least, but Third Year students? Hagrid, you're a good man, and I'm sure your knowledge of magical creatures would be a boon. I've heard you say things that I'm sure Newt Scamander wouldn't have known. But…while I'm sure you have the right mindset towards students, you don't have the sense of danger. Though you're not alone in Magical Britain." He looked up when the Captain came in. "Ah, Hans, was it? This is Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys and the Grounds at Hogwarts, and now the Care of Magical Creatures teacher. Hagrid, this is Hans Guiche(1)."

This wasn't the Captain's real name. It was just his usual pseudonym, and what he wrote down for Aberforth when he paid for his room. Hagrid looked at the Captain. "Ello," he slurred.

The Captain nodded politely. "He's mute, apparently," Aberforth said. "Do you want a drink?"

The Captain shook his head. Pulling out a pad, he wrote down, Anything for insomnia?

"Well, I have a mallet under the bar."

It'd break, he wrote down. A smirk didn't feature on his face, but there was something about his handwriting that did.

Aberforth gave a single scoff of laughter, before saying, "I'll get you a glass."

"Hans, huh?" Hagrid remarked blearily. "A lotta Germans 'round lately. Tha' Schrödinger kid, he sounds German."

The Captain needed every ounce of will not to stare at Hagrid. Instead, he listened as Hagrid said, "I mean, this mornin' he tol' th' Malfoy brat to…uh, how did it go? Leck mich im Arsch or summat. Wha' does that mean?"

It means 'kiss my arse', the Captain wrote down.

"Ha! Thought so. Lil shit deserves it," Hagrid slurred. "Had those weird purple eyes, tho. Schrödinger, I mean. And he's friends wi' Rose Potter. They look so sweet t'gether."

The Captain didn't like the way that Aberforth was scrutinising him. Had he spotted something in the Captain's face? The Loup-Garou doubted it. But he couldn't be certain. Still, he had confirmation, more or less, that Schrödinger was at Hogwarts, and that he was involved with the Girl Who Lived.

Hmm, there was an Owl Post Office in Hogsmeade. Maybe he could send a missive to Schrödinger, bring him down for a meeting…

"So, let me get this straight," Sirius said. "My goddaughter is involved with a defector from Millennium, a group of Nazis you vanquished during the Second World War. Said defector is a Cat Sìth. They were both potioned up to the eyeballs until recently. And the Cat Sìth who is involved with Rose was going to be used in some plot to defeat you as part of some revenge plan. Have I got it right?"

"More or less. God, it's like I didn't just get through explaining this. If I ever make a fledgling, preferably a police girl with big titties, I just know I'm gonna have to do the same with Integra, only worse."

"…I understand the titties, given how long I've been blue-balled in Azkaban, but why a police girl?"

"The better question is, why not?" Alucard asked.

Elsewhere in Britain, in the police academy, Seras Victoria sneezed twice, making her prodigious bust bounce in interesting ways, and frowned. "Am I getting a cold or something?"

"Anyhoodle, big-boobed bobbies aside, I've got to take you in to Hellsing HQ. There, the lovely Amelia Bones will question you with Veritaserum while my boss watches on. As a formality more than anything else. Once we're done, and you've been wholly exonerated, we can go out for a night on the town. I know a really good strip club, and a few good ladies who'd just love to polish your wand. There's this one called Candi who, well…the things she can do with her tongue…"

I cannot believe this, Sirius thought. I'm being invited to a strip joint by Count fucking Dracula. I dunno whether my life has taken a turn for the better, or just plain stranger.

Then, after a moment, he thought, Fuck it. I'm rolling with it. Out loud, he said, "Lead the way."

Alucard grinned. "Well, let's get going…"

CHAPTER 11 ANNOTATIONS:

Sorry about the wait for this chapter. Though considering I am also updating Haemophilia alongside this chapter, which was last updated some months before this fic…well, yeah. The interlude with the Captain wasn't planned, but helped get the story going. I think soon there will be a confrontation between Alucard's familiar and the Captain. Vampire versus mega-werewolf! Place your bets.

Hopefully, the next chapter won't be as long coming. It's worth pointing out, though, that since the last chapter, I have posted two roughly relevant fics. The first is another Hellsing crossover, a oneshot I did for Halloween this year. It was a crossover with Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion, and called Unholy Alliance. The second was another female Harry story, albeit a WBWL story set during Year 4. It's a crossover with RWBY, my first and, to date, only such story, and it's called Neopolitan and the Goblet of Fire.

Review-answering time! Xireana Prime: 'The Crimson Fucker' is a reference to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, where it's Alucard's alias, and is even his Twitter account. No, really. It's TheCrimsonFuckr, and no, that's not a typo for his account.

1. This is a fanon name for the Captain, derived from one of Kouta Hirano's other works. I adopted it here as an alias for him.