First off, good evening/morning/afternoon, dear readers. I've come back from a long period of time off from writing. A lot of things had been going on, university being one of them. Pardon me for that. But because of that, I probably won't be able to write as much as I had before, and will be updating very, very slowly. Any of the requests that came in before-I'm not sure if I'll be able to get to them, but I'll try my best.

But for now, enjoy the long awaited, long chapter, dear readers and tell me what you think of it^^

Disclaimers: Gintama is not mine

Chapter 12: China-Hime no Monogatari (Part 2)

A young man wearing royal robes and armed with a beautiful umbrella looked down at the small, but verdant place of green and blue colors, humming a rather cheerful tune.

"Are you really going, sir?" asked the servant, who was holding up the bundle of long white bandage strips, which the young man took up and began wrapping around his head and arms.

"Yes, I am." The young man was smiling brightly, despite there being right behind him an entourage of darkly dressed men who stood armed. "It's almost time for our little Princess to come back to where she belongs. Isn't that right, bald man-,"

"I'm not bald, you stupid son of mine, I'm only slightly thinning." Snapped the man in front, glaring back at the young man. He too was wearing royal robes, and was armed for combat, an olive green umbrella in his hand. Looking at the flowers reminiscent of his dead wife, the (balding) man whispered, "Don't worry, Kouka. I'll bring her back safely."

It was yet another night where the Moon shone over the two of them, who were both lying down in the grassy courtyard in the garden at the back of her room. And it had been only one of the very many nights they had spent together, alone in the part of the manor.

It had all started soon after she had rejected his advances (at least, in official and formal ways). He had soon begun appearing every single night to pick on her, talk with her, and fight with her. She had tried to shoo him away, but never succeeded, as she herself began to look forward to his nightly visits.

After the fifth suitor Takasugi Shinsuke had been reported as dead from his efforts in completing his task (he really did try to swallow the poor bird who had hatched from the egg as it made its way down his throat), Kagura had begun to drift apart from her family on Earth, who began to distance themselves from her. She was never able to ask why they did so, and was too afraid of their rejection to do anything but keep silent. She didn't leave her room, and no longer met anyone outside.

And it was the Sadist who drew the life from her at that time through his sadistic, but honest antics each night. And it was how they ended up right now, both being completely spent from fighting each other.

No one had stopped these two from engaging in a very amateurish brawl, and neither of them wanted to draw back from 'playing' with a person who was of equal strength and sadism.

The Sadist couldn't recall when the last time was… the last time he had talked, fought and actually interacted with another person properly like this.

Kagura-hime couldn't remember when the last time someone had gone head to head with her and was equal to her, ever since she became a 'princess', and no longer just 'Kagura'.

It felt as if… they were living properly. Their wounds from the fight, and the pain they felt from them told them that they were still living beings, and really living. This was the sort of life they wanted – to live without pretense or formality, and just live without bounds.

Perhaps that was what had drawn them to each other at the present moment (and not just the similarities in their sadistic natures).

Breathing out a deep sigh, Kagura licked her split but healing lip. "Oi, Baka-Sadist."

"What do you want, you Baka-Onna." He grunted back, cradling his sore face.

"Do you have a family to go back to?"

At the random and unexpected question, the Sadist glanced at Kagura upside down. "Huh?"

"My family…" she pointed up to the Moon shining above. "… is up there."

The Sadist huffed, as if her story was ridiculous, but didn't say so. "Ah, is that so. My family's all dead."

"Ah, is that so-aru."

"What was with that tone, you brat. Don't sound so nonchalant when a person is telling something personal." He snapped.

"Humph. I could say the same thing for you, Baka-Sadist. I've never even told Gin-chan this, so you better be grateful." She answered, not in the least bit intimidated.

"Huh? Who said I was going to liste-,"

"I've loved living down here. You can hear the birds sing, the crickets chirp, see the seasons change, and play with cats as much as you want. I was able to scream and run around as much as I wanted, and stuff myself with all kinds of food." At this point, though he didn't mean to, the Sadist ended up paying attention to her, staring at her as if enthralled. He was surprised when he saw her eyes welling up with water. "I really loved staying here. I love everyone here, and loved the warmth they were able to give me. But that… is coming to an end."

Kagura got up into a sitting position, brushing off the grass from her kimono. "It was fun knowing you, Sadist."

"Wait," he grabbed her arm and pulled her down to the ground, staring into her face. "I was right…" he muttered as he saw her crying face. "What the hell do you think you're doing, you stupid brat?"

"I can't stay here anymore, Sadist." She said, her expression dark. "I have nothing else to bind me here. No suitors to tie me down with ridiculous proposals, no one to call-,"

"What are you talking about, you stupid woman?"

"What do you mean, what am I talking about, I-,"

"You have me, don't you?"

"What…?"

"I'm saying that you have me, and you'll have me for the rest of your days." He leaned forward to bite her cheek, garnering a pained squeal. "I want you to become my wife."

At the very least, that stopped her from crying, but now she stared at him blankly, clearly not understanding what he was talking about. "I thought you wanted me to become your masochistic, submissive slave, Sadist."

He gave a sigh and bowed his head, struggling to word it out again. "That was before. And sure, you can do that if you want to, but I want you to be my wife. Formally…"

A very heavy silence descended between them, and the Sadist didn't dare look up at her yet. He could feel her trembling under his hands, and was now waiting for the moment in which she would hurl herself into his arms—

"I can't."

That was unexpected.

"I can't marry you, Sadist. I-,"

"Mikado-sama?" the courtier called out to his liege beyond the screen, and was answered with silence. "Shall I prepare the palanquin for tonight's visit-,"

"Shut up for a moment."

"H-hai…" the poor courtier could say nothing else but wait for his lord to give commands. It wasn't his imagination – the Emperor's mood as of late, had become extremely down-spirited and much worse than before.

Putting aside the courtier's worries, the Emperor who was sitting mutedly in his room looked upwards at the crescent Moon, frowning. Deep and bloody nail marks were apparent on the palms of his hands from forming fists too tightly. On his face, purple bruises were fading after several days of recovery, and his red eyes were narrowed in discontent.

"Go and prepare troops to guard Kagura-hime's manor."

"W-what-,"

"Go and prepare troops to protect Kagura-hime from the intruders!"

"H-hai, Mikado-sama. Right away."

The Emperor sank into a seat, putting his forehead against his hand, frowning deeply. "Why… why did it have to be you…?"

The large number of troops surrounding the great manor sparked rumors throughout the land about the mysterious origins of the Kagura-hime. According to a servant who worked in the manor, the rumors consisted of how Kagura-hime had apparently been a resident of the Capital of the Moon, and thus, not human, and how the Emperor himself was acting to protect her from the people of the Moon who would come to reclaim her on the night of the Full Moon.

Needless to say, her parents, Taketori no Gintoki and ShinBaba were both extremely distressed and saddened by their daughter's soon to be return to her real home, and the Kagura-hime herself was seen crying each night while looking up at the sky, where the Moon was.

Each day that passed, the sobs would grow louder from the manor, and the soldiers outside grew more restless, cautious and wary of the unknown intruders who were to come in a few weeks time.

News of the Kagura-hime soon reached the ears of the ones who had once come to propose- *ahem* - ask of her respectively various things as well.

"My, my, Ani-ue sama, Kagura-chan isn't human? However could such a rumor abound from the lips of people?"

"I do not know, unless that is the truth which they choose to listen to, Soyo."

"But Kagura-chan… does this mean that she's in danger?"

"Danger?"

"Aniue-sama, I have a petition to ask of you."

"What is it?"

"It's for Kagura-chan."

"So Leader is planning to leave this Earth…"

"'She's not human, it seems'"

"Even so, she is our precious comrade, Elizabeth. We can't do nothing and-,"

"'Katsura-san, I understand. Let's go and kick butt'"

"Elizabeth! Ah, let's do so!"

"Are you really serious about doing this?"

"And if I wasn't? Would you really stop me, Hijikata? You, who has already failed to complete the task that I bestowed upon you? Was it so hard to get that girl to me? What with your name as the Oni no Fukuchou, it should have been an easy thing to do… hmph. You should be grateful that I didn't make you commit seppuku already."

"Urrgh… h-hai."

(Takasugi Shinsuke was already cold dead in the ground, and sorely missed by his own retainers)

"Kagura-hime…"

At such a time, it was a given that even Kagura-hime's adoptive parents (?) would be upset by the news of their beloved (?) child being taken away. They had spent much time together, and developed a sort of bond akin to but deeper than that of blood, after all. Even if they quarreled like squirrels fighting over the last acorn, they all cared for each other (though it was hard to tell with ShinBaba and Taketori no Gintoki, since ShinBaba always said that he—er—she was obviously off better living without the bamboo cutter).

Kagura-hime was at her usual place, sitting in the gardens and looking up at the sky, where the Moon was almost at its fullest. No one could hear her, but it was certain that she was crying as she waited.

Not far from her, two figures watched her in the shadows with grim faces. The smaller shadow spoke, "Gintoki Jiiya, what are you going to do now?"

"Beat down the very first ones who come to take our little child away." Answered the old man, stroking his old wooden bokuto. His fingers clenched and unclenched around the hilt as if in preparation.

ShinBaba glared at her(?) husband through sharp glasses. "You know that's not what I'm talking about, Gintoki Jiiya."

As if feeling guilty, the old man ("Like I said, I'm not an old man, damn it!") flinched, and went silent. Then he said, "It was alright for that sadistic child to play with Kagura, since it was obviously just harmless play. But I won't allow him or Kagura to cross that line." He added in a mutter, "She's better off without someone like him."

The glasses Baba tsked, making a frustrated sort of face. "Ara, ara. But I don't think that's something you should say yourself, as a sadist yourself. And weren't you already mindful of the consequences when you let the Mikado himself in the manor, after you got bribed with that mountain of gold?"

The old man flinched again guiltily.

"Even if it was the overlord of Hell himself who came to visit us, you would have chased him away if you really meant to," said the old woman (?), looking back at their daughter. "The fact that you didn't chase away the Mikado meant that you-,"

"That's enough, ShinBaba. Thinking about it is enough to give me goosebumps." He cut her (?) off and sighed, his white eyebrows crunching together. He murmured, "I mean… that Mikado, no, a Sadist of a brat being my son-in-law? It's terrifying to think about…"

Beside him, ShinBaba had a similar sad expression. "If it was going to be like this, you really should have kicked the Emperor out when you had the chance. In the end, if things remain the way they are, Kagura and that person are going to be the ones who are hurt the most."

Because the old woman (?) had already left, she (?) wasn't able to see the old bamboo cutter frown, his face darkening. "Like hell I'm going to let things remain the way they are. Not while I'm alive and kicking."

It was the day of the full Moon, the day designated for Kagura-hime's return. The entire manor stood in silence, waiting for the embassies of "Heavenly Beings" – the Moon People. The guards were more alert than ever (in fact, their numbers had apparently increased three-fold), and Kagura-hime was in the deepest part of the manor, unseen by outside eyes and from the moonlight.

The third hour passed since the Moon rose and shone luminously.

"There! What is that?!" a soldier pointed out to a small dot steadily growing bigger with each passing minute, coming directly from the light of the Moon.

"They're here! They're here!" the soldiers all poised with bows in their hands, preparing to volley their shots, when they realized that the small dot was growing bigger, and rapidly falling towards the Earth, not floating down.

No one had the chance to use any of their weapons as something huge came hurtling down and crashed into the gate, literally knocking away the large formation and causing a huge explosion. The rest of the soldiers were blinded by the extreme light coming from the explosion, for it was nothing like they had ever seen before.

As soon as the soldiers were blinded, many dark, tall and rather built looking figures emerged from the foreign means of transportation, holding large parasols in their hands.

"W-who are you?!" one of the soldiers shouted, the fastest to recover and pick up his sword. He was puzzled from seeing these… beings, as they looked different from what he or anyone else had imagined. They were far from looking like 'Heavenly Beings' – 'Dogs from Hell' would have been a much more befitting sort of title.

"Knock, knock! We're here to reclaim the princess we entrusted to you." A young man who wore strange clothes and had his face covered in strips of what looked like bandages said cheerily.

When the bald(ing) man beside him gave a nod, the huge crowd of Heavenly Beings(?) suddenly disappeared from sight, and only the swishing of wind was heard as they streaked by. The soldiers standing by, poised for battle all shrunk to their knees in what was fear and silent reverence. Despite not looking so, these people were clearly from another world and possessed strange abilities no human had.

"You're serious about handling the small fry, Baldie?" the young man said, sounding rather miffed.

"Don't call me Baldie, you stupid son." Answered the older man, who folded his parasol, and swung it in an arc.

An even bigger explosion resounded throughout the night air, and all of the soldiers were immediately blown away by the force of the stranger's attack.

"Ohya, ohya, you're going all out already?" the young man whistled, tapping his parasol against his shoulder as he strode forward past the quickly deteriorating gate and walls. Soldiers, weapons and blood littered the ground.

"This much is nothing." Grumbled the older man, as he too strode forward. "We've waited for far too long, and my patience is at an end."

"Well, if you say so."

The two walked at a steady pace, calling out for their princess' name and looked for her. Maids in the manor and stray soldiers all cleared the way, crying in terror and praying to be spared. They paid no attention to such humans, and only concentrated on trying to find the princess.

Just when they had entered the inner courtyard of the manor, they heard a large commotion and the sound of battle from across the building. The old man, who seemed to have found it a bother to walk across the unfamiliar terrain of structures, stretched out his arm and swung his parasol again. At the blow of his swing, the entire building came apart, flying away in the wind, to reveal the other side.

At the sight, the young man chuckled, "Well, well, well. That's rather surprising."

There were four men standing, and around them lay the bodies (not corpses) of the Heavenly Beings(?), and their broken weapons scattered next to them.

Unperturbed by this sight, the older man stepped forward, and spoke up. "It's rather difficult to find people who could rival our strength and skills down here. Who might you gentlemen be?"

"Well, it must be difficult especially as you people live somewhere far away, like the Moon." Said the man with v-shaped bangs and smoke rising from the lit cigarette in his mouth.

"It's not well known that people live on the Moon, except the Rabbit who lives there. But you clearly aren't Rabbits…" commented the man with long hair, who wore a strange costume of yellow. Next to him was an even stranger looking being who looked like an overgrown duck with no curves.

"I didn't expect people like you who are apparently from the Moon to be bald. The princess has nice hair, that it seems rather unexpected." Added a man with dead fish eyes and silver hair (yes, it was the old bamboo cutter himself, who came out to protect his foster daughter from being taken).

At the insult, the bald(ing) man raised his parasol again, a vein popping in his forehead, "I am not bald," and he swung the weapon, smashing it down into the ground. "I still have hair, you disrespectful fools!"

This time, the explosion didn't just shake the mansion, but the entire ground down below, echoing to the reaches of the palace where the Emperor lived, and the deepest parts of the mansion where Kagura-hime was being guarded by her family.

It was a dreadful explosion, one that no one had ever heard or seen before.

And the force of that explosion made it ever so clear that no one would be able to prevent Kagura-hime from being escorted back to her home on the Moon.

"They've arrived." Kagura murmured, and right beside her, her mother (?) ShinBaba squeezed her hand worriedly.

"It's alright. Gin-san and the others will be able to stop them. You don't have to go back, Kagura-hime."

At hearing that honorific, Kagura's head fell slightly. She didn't want to be a princess when she came to Earth. That was why she'd come purposely to a place, to a home where she wouldn't be treated as such. And yet…

She shook her head sadly. "No. You don't know them like I do. Even Gin-chan and the others…" she shivered, her expression darkening. "I…"

"Kagura-hime?" ShinBaba prompted, patting Kagura's shoulder, trying to reassure her.

"I… I loved everyone, and still do, ShinBaba. I love you all, but…" shaking off ShinBaba's grip, she stood regally and strode forward. "I must go back to my true home, to the Moon…"

"Kagura-chan, wait!"

Kagura paused, tears welling up at the familiar nickname. She would miss hearing it, very much. She would miss them very much. She would yearn to see him always, but…

"…if I don't go back, you'll all die." This last saying went unheard by anyone, answered only with silence.

Kagura ran as quickly as she could down the halls, her eyes glancing over the broken wood, and her nose twitching to the smell of blood. She desperately hoped that she wouldn't be too late – that she would make it in time to save them all.

She caught the sight of a familiar braid in the corner of her eye and changed the direction in which she ran – running, her mouth open and air sucking into her lungs so that she would be able to scream.

When she arrived in the courtyard, the ground was streaming with blood, soaking up her kimono and coating the soles of her bare feet. The sight might have been difficult to gaze upon for a young hime, but Kagura-hime didn't even flinch as her eyes raked over the fallen corpses, searching for that of her friends. There were soldiers sprawled across the place, most of whom had missing limbs or decapitated heads.

"To think that mere humans would give us such a hard time…" she found the owner of the voice, and her eyes widened to see—

"Papi, stop!"

At her scream, the two sole figures standing there turned, but didn't lower their weapons. "Kagura…"

"Don't you dare kill them!" she yelled, glaring at them. Fury, relief and fear swirled inside her as she walked forward. Her slow steps broke into a quick pace, and into a sprint (at this point, the balding man was smiling brightly and opening his arms so that she could jump into them) as she jumped to kick the bald(ing) man in the face.

"What are you doing, you stupid bald geezer?!"

Whether he had let her, or he hadn't been expecting it was uncertain, but it was clear that the man staggered from the impact of her foot smacking into him, shock appearing on his mien. He obviously hadn't been expecting this sort of welcome.

"K-Kagura-dear? Wh-aaaat…" he wheezed out, as she collapsed in front of the figure face-fallen on the ground, her hands scrambling to touch his face.

"Gin-chan? Gin-chan, wake up…" she furiously ripped the sleeves of her kimono so she could wipe away the blood as she turned him over to see his wounds. He was covered in blood from head to toe – almost entirely dyed red, so much so that she was almost unable to recognize him if it weren't for his silver shaggy hair.

She patted his face and called out his name several times, but he didn't stir. Had she been too late?

"Well, to see that you're doing well is good, more than anything…" the bald(ing) man murmured, and the braided man next to him smiled as he slammed down his own umbrella into the ground, barely missing Zura's head.

"You found some pretty useful bodyguards, didn't you, crybaby? Considering that they were human, that is."

Kagura couldn't find any words to use at the moment. She looked all around her, but the red was the only color to fill her vision. No one was moving.

"Di—y-,"

"What?"

She grit out, "Did you… kill them…?"

The bald(ing) man raised his eyebrows and answered, "Are you angry about that Earthling, Kagura-,"

He wasn't able to finish his sentence as he was sent flying backwards. Another explosion echoed in the night, albeit quieter than its previous ones.

When Kagura stepped forward towards the direction in which she kicked the head of Heavenly Beings(?), the young man stopped her with a smile.

"Kamui, don't you dare interfere. He-,"

"And why do you think that the old Baldie and I came all the way here? We're not here to fight with you, Princess. It's time to go-,"

"And you think I don't know that?!" she screamed, frustration and grief on her face. She crumpled to the blood red ground, her mouth opening and closing as she reached for her adoptive father. "You think I just came out here because I didn't know you were here…? You think that-,"

"Well, for one thing, I daresay that you shouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions. That old samurai-san is alive." He called out, smiling as he poked the old bamboo cutter's cheek.

She blinked as the old man slowly stirred in her lap and was now looking up at her, grinning his cheeky old stinky grin. "Hey there… Kagura."

Her grief dissipated, giving way to surprise and irritation as he started laughing nervously.

"To be sure, this old man and our old man fought, but during the summit of the battle, this old man slipped and banged his face on the Baldie's knee before passing out like a corpse." Kamui began explaining with a jocular smile. "And as he fell, he accidentally slipped on the blood and kicked the v-shaped guy in the *bleep*, and he in turn fell to accidentally kick the ninja okama-looking guy and his large avian pet in the head, and so on."

"Oi, who the hell are you calling an old man?! I'm not even in my *bleep*-," (that part was obviously to hide the real unknown age of the old bamboo cutter, for fear that our dear readers may be disgusted – "Who the hell are you talking about?! What do you mean, 'disgusted'?!")

Kagura sat there as each of her friends began to stir, one after the other and got up, rubbing their heads or faces and limbs (though the dead soldiers who were limbless remained limbless and those without heads stayed unmoving). It appeared as if Kamui had been speaking the truth.

"Ah, Leader!"

"Kagura-hime…"

"Hime-san…"

"Oi, oi, you guys weren't dead? Ah… honestly. I really hoped the impact would have killed you, tax-robbing blockheaded daimyo…" the bamboo cutter spat out, and the respective man glared before swinging his katana at his head.

"Who the hell are you calling a tax-robbing blockheaded daimyo, you crafty conman?!"

She blinked, relief filling her, and her body responded to her overflowing emotions by bringing forth laughter. She couldn't stop when it started. The battlefield had turned into a quarreling playground in just a few seconds, and all of her dread had turned into mist. She couldn't control the shaking in her torso and in her legs as she laughed.

Everyone began to stare at her, their eyes wide.

"Kagura?" her adoptive father called out confusedly.

She slowly got up on her feet, wobbling slightly. The dark expression she had was replaced by a bright smile. "I haven't been able to laugh like that since Sadist came-aru. Ah, that was a good laugh."

As if he knew what she was about to do, Kamui opened his umbrella to the sky, waving it like a sign. The bald(ing) man was also back quite early, shaking off the rocks and dust from his clothes. What remained of his hair had been blown away as well (And yes, he cried some when he noticed later on).

"Kagura-chan?" her adoptive mother(?)/megane, who had just arrived, called out worriedly.

A large humming sound resounded in the distance, and a large shadow soon covered the bloody ground. Everyone looked up to see a strange UFO hovering in the air, and their mouths opened in shock. It wasn't something of this world.

"Kagura-chan, you can't just go back like this! You-," the megane called out. "You're a part of our family! Are you really alright with this? We can-,"

"And that is exactly why I have to leave, Shinpachi." Kagura said, smiling. "Because you're my family, I have to protect you. From them," she pointed to the two blood-soaked men behind her, "and from… me."

The bamboo cutter and his wife(?) stared in shock, unable to comprehend her words. "What?"

She slowly pulled out what seemed like two letters from her kimono sleeve and a small bottle of something, handing them to her parents.

"This is for you," she said, pointing to one of them. "And the other is for Baka-Sadist-aru. I bet you already knew about him being my pet dog and his daily visits, right?" she stared pointedly at her adoptive father, who flinched guiltily. "So… I leave him in your hands."

Kagura turned towards her 'escorts', who held out a robe to cover her shoulders. "Let us return home."

She looked bitter as their hands came close to her. She could almost feel the cold slickness of the silk and shivered. She couldn't help but compare the feeling to the warmth of the kimono her Baka-Sadist always wore.

If there was one thing she would regret coming down to this Earth, it would be the fact that she had met him. If she hadn't met him, then she wouldn't be missing him like this already. She wouldn't hurt so much.

Before she could take another step, a large explosion above their heads made her stop. The UFO slowly drew back from the strange impact, and she heard her escorts mutter the same outburst of surprise.

"It can't be…"

"Who the hell is 'returning'?" that arrogant drawl. "Did I hear that correctly?" that stupidly royal trot. "Oi, Baka-Onna. Are you really Baka-Onna?" those red eyes, always taunting her. And… "The Baka-Onna I know would never draw back from something without a fight."

She blinked at the addition to his attire, which was a huge black *bleep* (it was called a bazooka) on his shoulder. "Why in the world do you have a *bleep* on your shoulder, Sadist?"

"It's called a bazooka, Baka." He answered, suddenly aiming it towards her and firing without hesitation.

Kagura yelped in surprise as a huge bullet like cannonball whooshed past her to hit the two behind her. She could tell that they weren't dead since Kamui had had his umbrella open, but she couldn't shake off her shock (and not from fear of the monstrosity of its destruction, as her adoptive parents and the others were gaping from).

"Why the hell would you hide a toy like that from me? Damn, it's better than my parasol-aru. Where do I get one?!" she asked excitedly, then blinked, shaking herself out of her old childishness. She couldn't be that overexcited child who had all the time in the world anymore. She had to—

"Oi, you little piglet," Sadist cut into her thoughts, sharply tugging her forward by her hair. "Who the hell gave you permission to leave, anyway?"

Her eyes widened, and she tried to turn her face away, but his fists tightened around her hair. Pain trickled along her scalp as he tugged her hair fiercely. "No, don't look like a *bleep*ing liar who looks scared as if she's about to be found out. Look. At. Me."

She bit her lip and mumbled, "Why do you care?"

"'Why' you say-," she heard the bazooka drop as both his hands grabbed her shoulders. "It's obviously because you're mine!"

No…

"Who the hell do you think you are, trying to run off without even telling your Master about anything? Did I look to be that much of a helpless idiot who wouldn't be able to fend off a couple of rabbits from the Moon? Are you seriously that dubious of what I, of all people can do?"

No… you can't. Sadist, you can't.

"Where the hell would you turn to if not to me?"

If you say anything more, then—

"Oi, young man right there."

-the stupid Baldie…

"Hey, young Mister over there~?"

… and Bakamui are going to go on a rampage!

"Oi, old Baldie over there. I'm having a conversation with this Baka-Onna over here, so can you please *bleep* off?"

"Damn it, that's not just a Baldie, Sadist, he's-,"

"Huh?"

She was too late in warning him. Before she could do anything, the Baldie had thrown a punch, and the Sadist was thrown across the courtyard to land into the arms of his living safety bags.

"Uuuugh, damn it, this was exactly what I wanted to avoid…" she muttered, face-palming her red face. Despite the dire situation, she couldn't help but react like a regular girl would have when a young man is reciting all the lines a shoujo would love hearing (and more so if it was a person she liked).

"Mikado-sama, are you alright?!"

"Oi, Emperor, did you break anything?! I'm not paying for medical fees!"

"Huh? Who are you referring to, Hijikata-kun? Gintoki?"

"Shut it you noisy bastards."

"'Emperor'…?" Kagura murmured in confusion. "Sadist? Wait, did you guys just call Sadist the Emperor-aru? I thought he was that weird Prince guy who was my first suitor-,"

The men flinched as Sadist glared at them. "Way to blow my cover. Now I won't be able to sneak out of the palace anymore now, you useless dogs." Wiping the blood off his mouth, Sadist stood to shake out his kimono, then faced Kamui and the Baldie. "I, Okita Sougo, am the fifteenth Emperor to this family name, Prince of the Planet of Sadists (this honorific elicited several looks of "no such planet exists. We would know for sure" from the Heavenly Beings) and Kaiser ("No, no, that's not even Japanese, Mikado-sama.") of these lands. If you want to have your precious princess returned, then I dare you to try to take her from me."

It was a challenge. "Damn it, men and testosterone-aru. They think that everything can be solved if they clash fists without the heroine in the way. Mami was right in saying that they're idiots-aru." Kagura muttered as she could see waves of fury roll off of the Baldie.

"Is that so? By what sort of right might you be talking about, then? She is NOT some sort of thing you can just claim a hand over…" anyone could tell that the Baldie was barely suppressing his temper. "And I am taking her back with the right that I have of a FATHER!"

There was silence in the courtyard. The first cricket's chirp could be heard.

"…Oi, Baka-Onna, don't tell me that you go bald too when you're in your fifties," Sadist called out, glancing behind the Baldie towards her. The other courtiers, etc. men seemed to be in a rather disturbed state. Besides the obvious monstrous strength these two possessed, they didn't seem to look much alike ("Ah, wait, their eyes are the same color.").

"Do I look like a man?!"

"Hm. That's what I thought."

Behind him, Taketori no Gintoki spoke up, "And if we're arguing about daughter-father rights here, then I would actually be included since I've been taking care of her since she was born from the bamboo stalk-,"

"You picked me up-aru! And you also threatened to sell me off! Fifty three times-aru! And I don't remember you calling me your daughter, you *bleep*head!"

"That's how you address the man who had to give up his rice to fill your black hole of a stomach?! Having eggs and soy sauce over rice three times a day for 365 days was HELL!"

"You're the one who introduced that meal, Gin-chan! Don't get started!"

This bickering was obviously now heading towards the direction of a regular, everyday family quarrel.

"That's enough of this! I am taking her back, whether you will it or not, young man. Kagura is not someone who can live down here with people like you-,"

"People like us…? Ah… I just hate it when people full of themselves talk down on others." Sadist muttered, smiling cruelly as his fingers touched the hilt of his katana. The light mood from before had completely vanished.

"Is that really something like he should say?" the old bamboo cutter murmured incredulously.

The Sadist stepped forward with his katana and a wakizashi drawn, emanating pure bloodlust. "You see, I prefer to be the one stepping on other people's faces, not the one being stepped on at all times. As the Emperor of this country, it's an absolute given. And if I can't even beat down the father Rabbit, then who'll expect me to ever attain the small piglet Rabbit?"

"So you'll die for the sake of trying to gain what you cannot?" Kamui asked, his smile matching the Emperor's in sadism.

"There is nothing I cannot gain in this world – nothing I cannot cut down, and nothing I cannot reach. Whether I die or not is up to me, not to you bastards. And I am not such a wishy washy, happy-go, easy opponent, Onii-chan."

"Damn it Sadist, Bakamui doesn't like being called Onii-chan by strangers!" Kagura murmured, gritting her teeth as the tension and bloodlust heightened.

Well, this had gone on for long enough. She had to stop them before either one snapped (as usual, it was up to the heroine to let the story resume in a nice flow).

It took only one touch. One touch for her to stop it all.

Her father and brother stared at her, and her Earthly friends and family looked at her as she held his body against her, her curled fist harshly digging into his stomach.

"Baka… Onna…?" the Emperor gasped out, the strength obviously leaving his legs. "What…"

She had to bite her lip from crying this time. "I have to go back-aru. It's not something I can avoid, as I am not of this world. And that's why I declined your offer of marriage last time, Sadist. Not because I didn't like you enough or hate you enough-,"

He coughed out a weak laugh, his fingers fisting around the back of her neck and hair, both of his swords falling to the ground. She sank down to the ground with him in her arms, as it was clear that he couldn't stand anymore.

"I'm not human, Sadist. I can't stay here anymore. My kind… what I am-,"

"I know." He groaned out. "I know all that—and I really don't give a… crap about it… either."

"No, you will." The Baldie said. "We are a race who have long lived, unable to walk under the Sun but hide within the Moon; unable to walk across a foreign land without covering the ground with blood. For you to accept someone like us, and more so someone like our precious-,"

"I don't give a *bleep*as to what you are… all I know and care about is… who she is." Sadist bit out, panicking as his sight was becoming blurry. His fingers snarled in Kagura's long hair, as if he was making a shackle from it, trying to prevent her from leaving him.

And it was true that she didn't want to. She didn't want to, but did she really have a choice? Between her blood-related family going on a huge rampage just because she didn't go back after years of time of leaving her home and her non-blood related but just as important family crying their eyes out… it was plain to see which choice was heavier.

"Goodbye, Sougo."

When he opened his eyes, the birds were chirping outside, and the rays of the sun were pouring over his face through the bamboo screens. There was a sharp pain in his stomach from where she had punched him—

He jolted, standing right up, remembering everything that happened—but he ended up collapsing back on the bed, his legs no longer having enough energy to hold him up.

"W-what the…" he frowned, then raised his voice to call for the servants.

They came scurrying in, and began to fawn over him overprotectively, treating him as one would a doll or a precious ornament. He tsked, his irritation rising. Where the hell was his katana when he needed it?!

"Oi Zaki!" he shouted, and the said courtier burst in after a moment of silence. "Where is she?"

"Mikado-sama, thank the Heavens that you're awake-,"

"Shut up and tell me—where is that woman?"

"… If you are… referring to Kagura-hime, Mikado-sama…" the courtier looked flustered and pale, unable to continue. That was enough to tell him what he wanted to know.

The Emperor's shoulders slumped as he leaned forward on his knees, going silent. He waved the servants away, his ominous aura telling them as much. Yamazaki was the only one apparently bold enough to stay and speak up, "A-ano, Mikado-sama…"

"What is it." He replied emotionlessly.

"K-Kagura-hime, before she… before she left, she left this for you." The courtier carefully put a small vial of liquid and a letter with it in front of the Emperor before leaving quietly.

The Emperor lifted his red eyes to look at the only keepsake he had of her, unmoving and taciturn. He refused to eat or go anywhere else, turning away all the guests who came to see him for the entirety of the day.

When Hijikata and Yamazaki came to report to him about how Kagura-hime's adoptive parents were soon put to bed sick, and gave him the details of her departure, he only listened quietly. He gave no reaction to anything—acting as if he was mourning her loss in his own way.

The day turned into three, and three days soon turned into a week.

The entire court was in an uproar about how all the state of affairs in the kingdom had stopped, blatantly gossiping about the Kagura-hime who had been escorted back to her home on the Moon. One of these courtiers used the beautifully tragic story of this mysterious woman, renaming her Kaguya, to write a different tale. This tale soon passed down the generations, to be known as Taketori no Monogatari.

However, what no one knew was the fact that this story was not one that had been completed with the heavenly hime's return to her home, leaving those she loved behind in tears.

It had happened on the seventh day since her absence.

The Emperor was lying listlessly on the floor of what remained of Kagura-hime's former mansion, looking up at the Moon through the (blasted) open ceiling.

Taketori no Gintoki and his family had apparently moved from the mansion to go back to their old hut in the bamboo grove in the mountains, saying that this place had left too much for them to bear.

But this was the only place where he felt somewhat at ease—remembering the memories, the only relevant thing he had left of her. He hadn't opened the letter, for fear of reading something melancholic and sentimental. And that wasn't how he wanted to remember her.

No… it was probably more exact to say that he was afraid to read what was inside at all—unsure of how that would affect him. He laughed for some time when he reached this conclusion, surprised at how much he missed her—how much he had actually loved her.

As for the vial of liquid… he faintly remembered how it contained the elixir of immortality or something, but had forgotten to drink it. He only carried it around with him nowadays, almost like a protective charm.

It was made out of porcelain, so he couldn't see what sort of liquid it contained inside. But he saw with a bitter laugh, that it was one of the vials that he had once given to her to hold soy sauce.

He knew that this couldn't continue much longer. He was the Emperor of these lands, and he had a responsibility to rule. He had to forget her to continue normally…

The Sadistic Mikado absentmindedly opened the vial with a pop, and raised it to his lips.

…but to hell with that. Like he'd ever be able to find a toy— ahem—woman as fitting as her.

He downed the liquid in one gulp, and began to cough, gasping on the ground. He clenched his chest as the burning of whatever he drank spread through his mouth and his insides, leaving his mouth in complete agony. The spiciness—spiciness?

"Hahahhaha! You drank it—you drank it-aru!" through that pain, he managed to hear a… nostalgic, familiar laugh. That stupid 'aru' and—

His eyes widened when he saw those vermillion strands in the wind—those deep blue eyes laughing down at him. It was unmistakably her, but she was wearing a different style of clothes—much like her father and brother were wearing…

"Baka-onna…?"

She smiled down at him, her hands on her hips. "Miss me? Well-,"

He didn't give her time to finish her sentence—he was up and wrapped around her, slanting his lips over hers in a firm kiss.

"Mmph-!"

Unfortunately, it didn't last too long, since she started thrashing against him and hitting him with her inhuman strength. But he only continued his mouth to mouth, and seemed satisfied only when he came away with seeing her face as red as blood, and tears forming at her eyes.

She screamed, "YOU *BLEEP*ING SADISTIC BASTARD-!"

He smirked at her as she ran around the room, grabbing her throat and mouth and shouting for water. "Got a taste of your own medicine, piglet?"

She glared at him, tears in her eyes. "Of all the times that you had to drink that, you had to do it now?!"

He raised the vial which had contained the 'elixir of immortality', his own mouth rather red (not from the kiss). "Immortality, my ass. This is Tabasco, isn't it?"

She tsked. "You're the one who introduced it to me in the first place, so it's really a taste of your own medicine."

"Leaving me with something like this—you were really out for my throat, weren't you, you-,"

"Shut and stop complaining." She snapped, this time being the one to grab him.

Instead of the spicy taste of the Tabasco spreading on either one's tongue and mouth, a sugary sweetness dissipated and unfurled out like a wave.

"… Konpeito…?"

"Heh," she replied, holding out another piece with her tongue, wagging it as if to provoke him.

He raised an eyebrow at her and only said, "Candy got your tongue, piglet."

She punched his stomach lightly. "Be grateful, you snotty brat. I saw you moping around-,"

"And I'm supposed to thank you for coming back? Are you even back? For-," she tsked, grabbed his kimono lapels, then flipped him around 360 degrees in the air before pinning him into the ground. Before he could respond by throwing her a slap, she sat on top of him and slammed a bottle of konpeito into his mouth, smirking.

"Yes to all of your stupid questions, you baka-Mikado," she tapped the quickly emptying bottle with a finger, "And you talk too much at the worst timing. This is where you're supposed to ravage me, saying you missed me and love me-aru."

Spitting the bottle and the wave of konpeito from his mouth, the Sadist muttered, "And is that supposed to be something you saw from another Sunday soap opera?"

She nodded smugly before squeaking when he reached up to grab her hair and pull her down to his face. "If that's so, then you got the position wrong," hoisting his hips up, he flipped around so that he was the one on top. "It's supposed to be me up here."

"Why does this feel like a very familiar situation we've had somewhere in a different universe…" she murmured, silenced in a very sweet (because of the sugar), delicious (in more ways than one) and spicy (quite literally from the Tabasco) way...

A while later, the Moon was stretched out over the two, who lay under its transparent silvery light, and the soft quiet of the night gave way to their conversation.

"Did you fall from the sky like your… bald geezers did?"

"Hm. No, I didn't. I rode the dragons down here along with the little headless chickens."

"… Right. How much Tabasco do you have in your mouth right now?"

Pushing his face which was closing in, she rolled her eyes, "Shut it. I'm fine. I really just stole a ship Bakamui had and made my way back. Though I did raise hell back home."

He chuckled. "Raised hell, hm? And you couldn't have done that back before they tried to take you?"

She raised her eyes to stare up at him seriously. "And you probably know why I did that, though."

"… You have no trust in me." He replied, half joking, wrapping his arms around her to pull her close, and tucked her head under his chin. After a while, he said, "… Yeah. I get it."

"And speaking of, you had no trust in me either, did you? Seeing as how you were on your ass for some time, from what I've seen and heard," Kagura mumbled, snuggling up against the crook of his neck. "Like hell I would stay there when you're down here. Like hell I wouldn't come back."

"And this is coming from the woman who said she couldn't stay here."

"Going back once was inevitable. Even I couldn't do anything. But once I went back, I did what I had to do so I could return here," she hit his chest once. "And here you are, complaining-aru. Baka-Mikado-Sadistic-bastard. Just shut up and say what you need to say."

"…" there was silence, before crickets filled that very awkward silence.

"Oi, I came all the way back here for you and you have nothing else to say to me?" she glared at him, grabbing his cheeks and began to stretch them. "Take responsibility for stealing my purity, you cheap-ass-,"

"Hwight, hwight, enuff a tha', you baka-onna!" he wheezed, grabbing her hands so she'd let go. "But did you think I'd so easily let you do whatever you wanted once you came back?"

"Uh-huh."

"Don't reply so quickly with an affirmative, baka." He sighed, looking into her face. "So, 'marry me' is what you want to hear? If that's all it is, then-,"

"I'll be your wife, if you be my slave." She said, kissing his cheek. "No further arguing, or I'm gonna go back to the Moon."

"You're gonna use that stupid card to control me our entire lives, hm?" he asked, slanting his lips on hers. "Hmph. For a good-for-nothing brat to challenge the Emperor… how cheeky can you get."

"I'm a princess from the Moon, and in terms of sadism, rank and riches, I'm superior to you," she murmured, her cheeks red. "But whatever. We should get married tomorrow, by the way. I've waited long enough."

"Which mouth is saying that… che," he splayed his fingers on her back, nipping at her neck. "But fair enough."

Before either one could resume, however, the room exploded. To be exact, once more-they didn't explode, but the back door to the room had exploded, revealing a shadowy group of rather pissed looking middle-aged men standing there with bazookas, anpan and katanas in their hands.

"Did you think that we'd hand our precious Kagura-hime to you so easily?"

"Uwah, Gin-chan, talk about bad timing." Kagura muttered, but quickly stood.

"Uwah, Danna, honestly, bad timing." Sadist muttered, putting his chin in his hand and propping it on his leg as he looked on lazily. "I'm assuming that damn Zaki told you I was here, hm?"

As if in response, the so called servant appeared behind Hijikata, trembling as he held his precious things, "I-I didn't have a choice, Mikado-sama-! I-they-they had my anpan!"

The Emperor sighed, "So, what is it that you want?"

"Better make it quick, Gin-chan. Sadist was about to jump on me this time, you know."

"What a thing to be saying as a young woman. Did she want to get jumped on? Honestly... why am I getting involved, too..." Hijikata murmured in an irritated tone.

Kagura's eyes furrowed as her arms loosened and fell down at her sides, "Wait, hold on... the Sadist aside, how did you know that I was here-aru?"

The answer to that popped out behind Taketori no Gintoki, waving a cheerful umbrella over his head. "Good evening~."

"Bakamui?! Does that mean Papi's here-," she tensed up, her body adjusting into a battle stance.

Next to her, Sadist grumbled, "Damn it, does this mean we have to go through all that trouble again? You're such a bothersome woman, piglet."

"And you're marrying me tomorrow, you troublesome, baka Mikado."

Folding his umbrella, Kamui came forward with a smile, "No, I came alone. But I do have a message from him: 'You're banned from coming back without that bastard's head', or something of the sort. So-,"

"Papi's... letting me stay...?"

"Well, even if he didn't let you, you'd already gone anyway, right?" her brother replied, his brow arching. "And apparently, I've been assigned to babysit you, so you'll have to deal with having us Yatos here on Earth, Mikado-san~."

Everyone blinked at this last bit. The old bamboo cutter put down his bokuto, and the others around him nearly dropped their weapons, all exclaiming, "WHAT?!"

"It's enough to deal with this woman, and now I get two of you monsters in my kingdom, hm? Talk about the early end of the world, huh."

Kagura frowned, slowly standing in front of her soon-to-be-apparent-husband almost protectively as Kamui's smile grew even wider, "Oh, it'll be war, alright-aru." she whipped open her umbrella and began shooting at her brother.

"Ahh, I've been found out? Kagura, it's unfair if you keep the best toys near you and don't give me any~!"

"Shut it, you! Like hell I'll let you near my Sadist!"

"Hahaha! It doesn't mean I've approved of him, Kagura!"

"You mean after you'd gotten over your siscon tactics, you realized that I'd make a good living toy?" this time, the so called Sadist leapt into the fray with his own katana unsheathed.

"You'll take him over my dead body, you Baka-Aniki!"

"Ahh-stop shooting, stop shooting, Kagura-chan! We're not bulletproo-,"

The sentence was interrupted as someone's bazooka went off, screams arose, and soon smoke was seen coming up from the place, all the way to the Moon.

All that is well ends well.

And that was that. Hehe. Tell me what you all thought^^ I hadn't exactly planned that sort of ending, but... in the original story, the story itself was somewhat melancholic and sad that I wanted something silly and light-hearted to end with. Though I'm not exactly sure what to think of violence ending up being a light-hearted ending, but... heh.

I HAD been working on Little Red Riding Hood and another oneshot at the same time... it depends on which one gets completed first. Ta ta till next time~.