I used to believe that he didn't notice many of the edits that I made to his mission reports before he logged them. Of course he saw the big, obvious changes. He was clearly aware when I added or corrected the names of things and people, when I took out unnecessary tangents and general grumpiness.

But it seemed like he didn't notice the other changes that I made. The words he used to describe me, the phrases to indicate his fear whenever I was in danger, his glowing pride in my accomplishments (even when he didn't entirely understand them), even the lines when he made it clear that he believes that I can do the impossible. Anything that betrayed how he feels about me I would quietly cut out or rewrite so that the emotions would stay a secret.

He never mentioned noticing any of those edits. He sometimes commented on the other things - "Oh, that was his name?" or "Is that how you got us through that door?" But it was like the other changes hadn't ever happened, almost like I had imagined them in the first place.

The first time he brought me his report to read before it was officially filed was pretty early on in SG-1's existance. Not as early as P3X-593 or P3X-797, but not too long after. He said that he wanted me to check his facts and fill in the words he couldn't remember, the names and planet codes. It wasn't regulation, but it wasn't unheard of to get help with details like that on a report either.

At first, he only had faint glimmers of how he feels about me in some reports, when things happened to bring them forward. After a while, though, there would be at least one comment that suggested how he felt in every report. Perhaps the hints grew more frequent as his feelings grew stronger. Or maybe the feelings were strong from the beginning and he simply let them show through more over time. I don't know.

Most of the time it was so subtle that I probably could have ignored it and left it there, but I suppose I was extra cautious because the ramifications of anyone noticing would have been so serious for both of us. Especially when his feelings have always been reciprocated.

No matter how much I changed things, though, he never stopped letting those tell-tale comments slip into his reports. Often, the parts when his feelings for me slipped through were the most human parts of his otherwise dry reports. I used to wonder why he wrote them when he was generally so careful to never let those feelings show. I wondered why he would run those risks, even as reading them meant so much to me.

I grew to love those hints of his feelings, to look for them, perhaps even to rely on them. He never disappointed me. And that's when I realized that he had noticed it. That he had probably been aware of it all along. I realized that they were intentional. They were intended for me and only for me. He knew that I would keep them safe and not let anyone else see them. He trusted me to understand and to protect us both.

Those reports were his way of sending me love letters, even though he could never spell out how he feels in any way that someone else might become aware of. I delete or change every word, dutifully erasing all trace and keeping us safe from the danger those feelings pose. But those words stay in my heart and on cold, lonely nights I remember them and what they reveal. Those words are my most treasured possession and since they only exist in my memory, no one will ever take them away from me.