Author's Note: Written for NFA's 2016 White Elephant Exchange (WEE).

Warnings: Adult language/themes, PTSD, mentions past violence, and sex.

A huge thank you to K9Lasko for the beta.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to NCIS. I make no profit from this story. Any resemblance to reality is unintentional.

Prologue

Leroy Jethro Gibbs awoke to the sound of beeping machines as they monitored every aspect of the fact that he was still alive. He looked around the drab recovery room, as though memorizing every detail.

Dr. Taft entered the room. "Ah, Agent Gibbs. Welcome back!" Taft's smile was warm and friendly with a hint of mischief behind his eyes.

"Wh-where's DiNozzo?" Gibbs rasped.

"He left, said he had to take care of something. He'd asked me to call him when you got out of surgery. He sounded really happy when I told him you pulled through. He ordered you not to die, said for me to remind you and that you would understand why."

For a moment Gibbs forgot his pain and a smirk touched the corner of his lips and then the horror of the memory seized him. Tony had come as close to dying as he ever had the time Gibbs had ordered him not to die. This also was too close. Gibbs huffed and it almost hurt to inhale. For a moment, he felt close to Tony, like they were sharing the same wavelength. Gibbs could feel Tony and Tony could feel him. Gibbs' eyes fell closed for a moment and when he opened them again, Tony still wasn't there. Taft kept talking but Gibbs stopped listening. He blinked slowly, absorbing what he heard. Tony had left. Left him. Here. Alone.

His eyes burned but he blinked it away. Taft's voice came back into focus. "…administer pain medication. Rest now, Gibbs. You have a hard road ahead of you."

Suddenly, the hard road ahead seemed far away, desolate, and meaningless. Why aren't I dead? Was Kelly real or wishful thinking?

A moment before he fell back to sleep he realized the medications had been administered through the IV and as the pain in his leg and chest faded, he drifted away, his last conscious thought was whether Tony would be back when he woke up.