Note to readers: I am really sorry to have taken so long to update. A lot of unexpected problems have come up since I last updated Always on Your Side. I hope to be able to update more often. Thank you all for your support and your patience, and thank you to everyone who has faved, followed, or reviewed my story. I always appreciate the support.
Chapter 12: Elephants
It was a lovely Saturday night in late April and Howard had taken Edna out to eat dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant in downtown Peekskill. Their time together was wonderful, as always. They talked and laughed with each other for the longest time as they waited for their food to be served. But then when Howard asked Edna how Jo and the girls were doing, things started to turn a little more serious.
"Blair, Natalie, and Tootie are doing fine. As for Jo, in some ways, she's doing better than she has been in a long time, and in other ways, she isn't doing well at all. She hasn't come right out and told me about it, but I'm fairly convinced that she's seeing someone. I've noticed some subtle changes in the way she behaves whenever her friend from Bates, Carl Price, is around. She smiles a lot more, and she gets this twinkle in her eyes that I've never really seen before, not even when she was around her old boyfriend Eddie. When she's with him, she's happier than I've seen her in ages. However, I know what a private person Jo is and I don't want to pry too much. I think it's better that I wait for Jo to come to me and tell me about it in her time and on her terms, whenever she feels ready to discuss it with me."
"Yeah, you're probably right. Jo may be your daughter now, but that doesn't mean she automatically has to tell you every little thing about her personal life all at once. I think a young girl's parents should know about it when she starts seeing someone new. I think a teenage girl's parents have a right to know when their daughter has a new boyfriend in her life, but at the same time, there's no harm in waiting a little while for her to come to her parents to tell them about it on her own."
"No, there isn't."
"Anyway, you said that in some ways, Jo wasn't doing well. What's going on?"
"I think that physically speaking, she's getting worse. She's almost never feeling very well these days, and the dialysis simply doesn't help. I mean, it does clean her blood the way it should, but she still feels lightheaded and ill after it's over. I don't want to push Jo too hard about the kidney transplant. I told you all about everything that happened when she and I discussed it with each other a while back. She's very afraid to go through with it."
"Yes, I know."
"But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I don't start pushing her to go through with the transplant, her health and well-being will continue to suffer."
"You know Edna, back when I was a young man, I was very, very foolish. You know that back when we were kids growing up, women were always expected to be housewives and stay-at-home mothers, and I stupidly believed when I was a boy that women had it so easy." Edna knowingly laughed when he said that. "I believed that scrubbing a dish or mopping a floor or singing a lullaby every now and then was all there was to it when it came to being a wife and a mother. I thought that men were the ones who really had it tough because men had 'real' jobs. Then one day, my grandmother came along and set me straight. I was fourteen, and one day in the summer, I went and opened my big mouth in front of my mother and my grandmother about how 'easy' I thought they had it. As it turned out, our next-door neighbor, who was also one of my mother's closest friends, had twin daughters who had just turned one, and my mother's friend and her husband had had to go out of town for a couple of weeks, and they'd left their little girls with my mother. Well, after I went and opened my big mouth, my grandmother came up with the great idea to put me in charge of taking care of the twins and taking care of the house for the next couple of weeks that they'd be staying with us." The moment Howard told her that, Edna laughed out loud. "I learned over the course of those next two weeks just how difficult and complicated 'women's work' and motherhood could really be!"
Edna laughed again and cried out, "I'll bet you did!"
"I learned quite a lesson that summer when I was fourteen. And listening to you talking about everything you're going through with Jo now reminded me of it. Motherhood is one of life's great mysteries. There is nothing simple or easy about it. It's an art and a science. I imagine it's difficult sometimes to know what to do, not just where Jo's concerned, but where all your girls are concerned."
"It is. But a lot of it is really instinct. I've always seemed to have this God-given voice in my gut guiding me, telling me what to do and when. I don't always get it right. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I make big mistakes, even, where the girls are concerned. But I always try my best, and I guess that's the important thing."
"Yes, it is. I couldn't agree more. If you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, though, I think you ought to keep trying to convince Jo to go through with the transplant. I don't believe kids mind it when you push them to do the things in life that are really best for them, and Jo knows it deep down how much she needs this kidney transplant."
"Yes, I know you're right. It's just that after all the hell she's been through, I want to try and be as respectful of Jo and her feelings as I possibly can be. It can't hurt to at least talk to her about it again, though."
"No, it can't hurt to give it another try."
"Thanks, Howard. You're always such a wonderful person to talk to about these things."
Howard kissed Edna's hand then and told her, "Well, you know I'm always here for you, Honey Bun."
"I know," Edna said with a smile, and then she laughed again, and when she started laughing, Howard laughed with her.
"What is it, Edna? What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just thinking that a little bit of that fourteen-year-old boy came out that night that I told you the girls were going to be helping us in the kitchen. Do you remember that? Remember what you said?"
Howard continued to laugh, and then he responded, "Yes, I remember that night. How could I forget? I teased the girls when you told me that they'd be working with us, that a woman's place was in the kitchen, and they didn't realize it that I was only kidding around with them. You knew I didn't mean anything by that, but the girls didn't, and they got offended. I thought it was really funny, though, when Natalie put me in my place, so to speak, and said I was a male chauvinist pig. I just love that girl's wit!"
"So do I. Natalie is always hilarious."
"But still, I didn't exactly get off on the right foot with the girls when I made that stupid crack. It was one of those embarrassing moments in life where I didn't think before I spoke."
Edna chuckled and said, "It's alright, Howard. We all have moments like that every once in a while. And besides, now that the girls have really gotten to know you over the past year and a half, they know that you're not really a male chauvinist pig. You've become a good friend to them, and they know how much you care about them."
"I do. They're wonderful girls. There's no way you can't love 'em."
"Oh, I know. From time to time, I've actually had other adults come up to me and ask me, 'How on earth do you manage it?' And you know something? I just hate that attitude. I hate it when people act like my decision to accept responsibility for the girls was this terrible, horrific sacrifice I had to make. I won't lie. It's not always easy being responsible for four teenage girls. I never have any real privacy, and sometimes the girls really can drive me crazy. But still, I don't regret my decision for an instant, and I don't see it as any kind of sacrifice. I love it. I love the craziness and the insanity. I love the talks, the spats, the jokes, the laughter, the tears, the hugs. I love the fun and the good times. I love working together to get through the hard times. I love them. And I love being there for them through these important years in their lives. The real truth of the matter is, had things not worked out the way they did with the girls living across the hall from me and had I been able to have all the privacy in the world, my life today would be pretty empty. I don't always allow myself to admit this because I want to be as respectful of the girls' relationships with their parents as humanly possible, but to be perfectly honest, I do see my girls as the daughters I never had. Sometimes it's really very hard for me to keep reminding myself that I'm not their mother."
"Bull!"
"Excuse me, Howard?"
"You heard me. I said bull! You are their mother, Edna, and you know perfectly well that you are. Let me ask you something. How often do you see your girls throughout the year?"
"Oh, well, during the school year, I see them every day."
"Exactly. How often do their 'parents' see them?"
"That depends. Natalie's parents see her every day throughout the summer and during Christmas vacation, and sometimes she goes home and spends the weekend with her parents. Blair's parents take her on vacations with them sometimes, and they see her during the summer, although I know her mother sees a lot more of her during the summer than her father does. Whenever Tootie's time at summer camp is over, her parents see her during the summer and at Christmas."
"That's my point. The girls' 'parents' are really more like casual acquaintances who get together with them a couple of times through the year. You're the one who's with them day in and day out throughout the school year. You're the one who knows them like the back of your own hand. You're the one who's always there for them whenever they have a problem. You're the one who takes care of these girls when they're sick and listens to them whenever they need someone to talk to while their 'parents' are only God knows where. You're the only real parent these girls have got. You just won't admit it."
Edna took in a deep breath and let out a long, sad sigh. Finally, she said, "I know, Howard. I know. You're right. I know it deep down that I'm the one doing their parents' jobs for them, and I know how bad I've been in the past about making excuses for their parents never being there. I know the girls' parents have essentially abandoned them by sending them to Eastland. I know that they could have sent the girls to a private school closer to their homes and that they could still have been able to see their girls every day, had they really wanted to. I know what an unfair, selfish thing it was for them to do to just ship them off to Eastland and abandon all their parental responsibilities, and I know my girls deserve so much better from them than that. I know how wrong it is that I spend so much more time with the girls than their own parents do. I know that whenever I tell my girls that their parents just wanted to give them a good education, I'm simply making excuses for them – pathetic excuses at that. It's the elephant in the room that I never allow myself to talk about or even think about because it's so painful. It hurts so much for me to acknowledge the fact that my girls' parents probably don't love and care about them as much as I do."
"I know, honey," Howard said with a sigh, and then he reached out and took her hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "I know. I know how much it hurts to admit the truth. I know."
"However, that time when I eavesdropped on that conversation between Jo and Blair, I realized that there really had been times when I'd been unfair to my girls in the past. I know it now that whenever they feel the need to come to me and vent about their hurt and anger towards their parents for never being there, I need to stop making excuses for their parents and I need to listen to them and let them vent about it, no matter how hard or painful it is for me to face."
"As a guy, I've always felt it best to just keep my mouth shut and butt out whenever you ladies were dealing with personal issues in the past. But now that we're on the subject, I may as well go on and admit it that I've always noticed that whenever the girls are feeling hurt or angry at their parents for some reason and whenever they're having some kind of problem with their parents, the vast majority of the time, you seem to automatically take the attitude that the girls' parents are right and the girls are wrong. And do not try to sit there and tell me that whenever the girls are having problems with their parents, you don't take sides, because you know perfectly well that you do. Whenever your girls are having problems with their parents, I have never once seen you side with your girls. You always sympathize and empathize far more with their parents in times like that than you do with them. If I may ask, why do you suppose that is?"
Edna closed her eyes for a long moment and let out another sigh, and then she said, "I suppose that's another elephant, in a way. I know I tend to be like that. I know that there have been times in the past when I could and should have empathized a lot more with my girls than I did whenever they've had problems with their parents. I know I really do tend to take their parents' side over theirs in times like that, and I'm beginning to see it now how wrong that is. I guess it's just easier for me to empathize with their parents because I'm a parent, and like their parents, I, too, have made mistakes in the past with my own children. It's a very unpleasant issue for me that I don't like to face or deal with. I don't like to think about all the times and all the ways I've gotten it wrong when I was raising my two boys. I guess I feel that I don't have any right to judge another parent when my own parenting has been less than perfect. That's probably another reason why I always used to shut the girls down with the lame excuse that their parents only sent them away to Eastland to give them a good education whenever they expressed hurt and anger about it. I never agreed with their parents' decision to ship them away to Eastland and let Eastland – and me – raise their daughters for them, Howard. I never agreed with their parents choosing to not be involved in the girls' everyday lives. But at the same time, I didn't want to be judgmental about it because like I said, I've also made my share of mistakes as a parent."
"Yeah, I think I can understand that."
"But still, I know there are changes I do need to make when it comes to my girls. You're right. In the past, whenever there's been a problem between one of my girls and her parents, I really have seemed to automatically take the attitude that the parents are right and she's wrong, and that is pretty unfair of me. I know that in times like that, I need to remember to try to understand my girls' perspectives and I need to try to empathize with my girls a lot more than I have. And I know I probably do need to start being a lot more honest with them about all our elephants in the room."
"Yeah, being honest about all the elephants is a pretty good idea. I think it would be a very good and very healthy thing for your girls and for you if you all just came right out and admitted the truth, that their parents aren't doing them right and that you love those girls as if they were your own daughters. Heck, if it was up to me, I'd adopt all of them myself."
"You'd have to fight me for them," Edna said with a smile, and Howard laughed.
"Yeah, I would have to do that, wouldn't I?"
"Of course," Edna told him, and again, he laughed.
"We have a great life together at Eastland with the girls, don't we?"
Edna smiled once more and responded, "I'd certainly say so."
A moment later, a waiter brought their food out to them and they started eating.
Meanwhile, back at Eastland, Jo was having a sort of "date" of her own with Carl, only he hadn't taken her out to eat that night like Howard had with Mrs. G. because she was feeling even more under the weather than usual. Since Jo really hadn't been up to going out that night, Carl stayed with her and simply spent the evening sitting on the coffee table in front of her and talking with her while she was lying down on the couch in the lounge.
"It's really sweet of you to hang out with me like this, Carl. You know you don't have to just hang around here to keep me company, though. It is a Saturday night. I don't mind if you want to go out and do something a little more fun."
"Are you kidding? Hanging out with you is always loads of fun. It'd be way too lonely for me if I went out and did something solo."
The moment Carl told her that, it hurt Jo to realize that she was not only his girlfriend; she was also his only friend, period, and all because of something as stupid as acne. Jo knew that other kids really could be stupid, immature, shallow creeps at times, but she also knew that in the end, it was their loss because Carl was such a great guy.
"Well then, since you'll be hanging out around here with me this evening, what would you like to do? We could play a board game, or cards, or we could watch a little television."
Carl shook his head then and put his hand on top of Jo's and said, "Jo, stop. You don't have to entertain me. That's not why I'm here. I'm here for you, okay? I know you're not feeling well tonight. Is there anything I can to do to make you more comfortable? Would you like another pillow behind you, or a blanket or anything?"
Jo laughed a little bit at his sweetness and squeezed his hand and responded, "Carl, I'm fine. I mean, I may not be feeling all that great tonight, but still, you don't have to wait on me."
"I know you like to be independent, and I don't blame you. I like to be independent, too. All my life, I never really fit in with anybody else in school or had any real friends before you came along, so I had to learn how to get along on my own. I know better than anybody how important it is to be able to be independent in this world because other people are so fickle. I know you can't always count on others. As a matter of fact, your brave, strong, independent spirit is one of the things I've always admired most about you."
"Thank you, Carl. I appreciate that."
"It's just the truth. However, there are also times in life when a situation comes along that's too big for a person to be able to handle on their own; when they really have to be willing to accept help from the people who love them, even if they don't want to."
"What are you talking about?"
"Jo, we've been seeing each other for over a month now, and we've been friends for much longer than that. I think it's time we discussed the elephant in the room that we never talk about."
"What elephant would that be?"
"I may as well come right out say it. Jo, we all know that you need a transplant if you're ever going to really get your life back again. And a while back, I accidentally overheard Mrs. Garrett and Howard talking about the possibility of her donating one of her kidneys to you. I overheard Mrs. Garrett say that you didn't want to go through with it. I'm just going to tell you point blank that I think you should reconsider. I know how independent you always like to be, and I know it can be really hard for you sometimes to accept help from others, but like it or not, there are times in life when you have to."
Jo sighed and told him, "Carl, this has nothing to do with my wanting to stay independent. I just don't want Mrs. G. making a sacrifice like that, and I don't want to take any chances. If I were to say yes to the transplant and something went wrong for her during the surgery, or if something happened later on in her life and she really needed her other kidney that she gave to me, I'd never be able to live with that."
"I really don't think you've got anything to worry about in that department. Mrs. Garrett's as strong as a horse, and she's healthier than a lot of people half her age."
"Yeah, that is true, but still, something bad could happen. Something could go wrong."
"I know there are risks involved, but personally, I think it's worth it if it'll help you get your health back. Jo, you're so weak and tired all the time now that you hardly even feel like riding your bike anymore. You can't go on like this. And besides, the risks are minimal. People donate kidneys all the time. I'm telling you, Mrs. Garrett will be just fine."
"But what if she's not? What if…?" Jo started to ask, but then she allowed the sentence to trail.
In that next instant, Carl sensed what Jo was about to say next. "What if something went wrong for Mrs. Garrett and she ended up resenting you for it afterwards, the way Rose resented you for it every time she ever had to put your needs before her own? Is that what you were going to say?"
Jo let out a long sigh, and finally, she answered, "Yeah."
"Jo, I don't think you're being fair to Mrs. Garrett. Give the woman a little credit. Mrs. Garrett's been a mother to you since long before the adoption, and deep down, you know that. She's the one who's loved you and looked out for you ever since you first set foot on the Eastland campus. She's shown you more true compassion and tenderness than you ever got from Rose, and she has made sacrifices for you before, you know. She's the one who gave up all her privacy so that you and the girls could move in across the hall from her in order for her to keep her eye on you guys. She's the one who accepted full responsibility for all of you in addition to all her other responsibilities as school dietician, and let's be honest. When she did that, she took on a lot of extra work – that she's never gotten any extra money for. But even though she did make some sacrifices and really, really inconvenienced herself for your sakes, has she ever once taken the attitude with you or with any of the girls that she resented you for it? In all the time that you've known her, has she ever once thrown any of it up in your face or made you feel guilty about it?"
After a long, silent moment, Jo finally shook her head and said, "No. No, she hasn't."
"Not even once?"
"Not even once."
"Doesn't that tell you anything? Look Jo, I know how worried you are about all the risks involved. I know the thought of something going wrong for Mrs. Garrett on the operating table really scares you. Like I said before, I'm certain that Mrs. Garrett would be fine. She's one of the strongest, healthiest people I've ever met. However, if you didn't want to go through with it because you didn't want to take the risk of something going wrong for her, or for you, on the operating table, I could understand that. But please, please don't say no to the operation because you're afraid Mrs. Garrett might resent you for it afterwards for some reason, because Jo, I'm telling you, you have nothing to worry about where that's concerned. Mrs. Garrett is not that type of person. She is not Rose, and she never could be. You know that."
After another silent moment, Jo admitted, "Yeah, you're right. I do know that. Well Carl, you've certainly given me a lot to think about."
Carl smiled and said, "People who are close to each other have a way of doing that to one another sometimes."
"Yeah, they do. But if it's all the same to you, I really don't feel like talking about this anymore. Can we just watch TV or something? I want to get my mind off my problems for a little while."
"Of course. I'll go get the portable TV set and bring it in here. I'm sure we can find a good movie on tonight."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it," Carl said, and after he stood up, he bent over and gave Jo a quick kiss on the top of her head before he left to get the TV set.
A week later, shortly after the first of May, Jo knocked on Mrs. Garrett's bedroom door.
"Come in," her voice called. She was sitting at her desk, and when Jo walked in, she turned around in her chair to see who it was. "Oh, hello, Jo," she said with a smile.
"Hi, Mrs. G. How are you doing?"
"I'm alright. How are you today?"
"I'm a little nervous…because I've made a big decision."
"Oh? What big decision is that?"
"I had a long talk with Carl last week, and he made me think really hard about some things. All week long, I just haven't been able to get our conversation out of my mind."
Mrs. Garrett got up from her seat in that moment and faced Jo and asked, "What sort of things did he make you think about?"
"The transplant. He helped me realize, Mrs. G., that I really wasn't being fair to you. I wasn't giving you enough credit. You've always done so much for me and the girls. You've made a lot of sacrifices for us, and you've had plenty of opportunities to hold it over our heads and lay guilt trips on us about it, but after all this time, you've never once done anything like that. You've never once resented us for it any time you ever had to inconvenience yourself for us in any way. That's not who you are."
"No, it isn't."
"You've never once acted like Rose, and that's because you aren't Rose. I mean, I always knew that in my head, but after all this time, my heart's finally catching on. And I know that you'd never resent even something as big as giving up one of your kidneys for me. The thought of something going wrong for you on the operating table, and the thought of something going wrong with your one remaining kidney later on in your life and you needing the one you gave away to me, still scares me. I won't lie. But I also know that many people in this world give up a kidney all the time and go on to be just fine, and on top of that, I know how healthy and strong you are. I know that if anybody in the world could handle something like this, it would be you."
"That's true," Mrs. Garrett said as her face lit up like a Christmas tree, because she knew what Jo was about to say next.
"So, if you still want to go through with it, Mrs. Garrett, then so do I. Even though I'm still nervous about the whole thing, if you're still on board, then I'll agree to the transplant."
Mrs. Garrett then let out a cry of joy and threw her arms around Jo.