When his sister Missy convinces him to go on a cruise the Doctor has no idea that she is sending him on a party & singles cruise, determined to find him a match. It's even more of a surprise to him when he wakes up the morning after a party and realizes he is married to the annoying woman who vomited on his shoes on the first evening. But all will be well and the marriage can be annulled back on land – as long as he and Clara don't consummate it.

All Inclusive

Chapter 1

"Are you sure it's too late to cancel the trip?" John Smith asked his sister as they were approaching the harbour, the salty sea air of Dover already filling his lungs.

The ship itself was massive and normally he wouldn't have minded a nice cruise through the Mediterranean Sea even though his sister had so far kept the details from him. But he had his practice and he had work to do. She really had picked a bad timing.

"Absolutely sure," Missy replied with a smirk.

Sometimes John hated her. Missy had booked the cruise for them both without telling him, claiming it was her present for his 55th birthday without paying any attention to the amount of work that was gathering on his desk. He would have to pull all-nighters for weeks on end as soon as he was back.

"Don't you worry about your practice. The replacement seemed more than capable," Missy scolded him sternly as if reading his thoughts, "You've been working without a break for five years. If you don't take some time off soon some poor patient will find your dead body on your office floor after your heart attack!"

John took a deep breath and sighed in defeat. Yes, she was right, of course. He needed a holiday desperately and the idea of lying on deck with a good book in his hands and the sun on his skin appealed to him more than he cared to admit. And surely they would stop by some interesting spots on the way. Spain. Italy. It would be nice. If only he could be certain his replacement was as good as she had claimed to be. He needed to call Doctor Jones as long as he still had reception to make sure.

"How come I still don't have the schedule for this cruise?" John wanted to know, "I mean, we'll hardly stay on board all the time. I'm sure it includes trips ashore."

"Oh, it does and they sound lovely," Missy confirmed and again something about her smile bothered him. It was as if she was planning something. Or hiding something. "You'll find the details in your cabin which, by the way, is first class, so don't think I'm cheap."

"Thanks, by the way," he said grudgingly when they approached the ship because he hated to admit that Missy was right, "The cruise was a very nice idea and I'm sure it's going to be great."

"Oh, don't thank me yet," Missy replied when they came to a halt in front of the check-in.

John had no time to think about her words as he handed his ticket to the man in uniform that bore the cruise liner's symbol and received a wristband in return. He was told to wear it at all times as it was both the key to his cabin as well as his identification. Meals and drinks and everything else he bought on this ship would be booked over this wristband.

Once he had listened to the man's thorough explanations he turned back towards Missy only to see her still standing in the same spot.

"Here, let me carry your suitcase," John offered and even though his sister protested he reached for the handle. To his surprise it was as light as a feather. He looked up at Missy in confusion.

"Your suitcase is empty," he realized.

His sister smiled at him apologetically. "Yeah, well, I lied," she admitted.

"What do you mean you lied?"

Missy simply shrugged. "I'm not coming. I booked this cruise for you," she explained, taking her very much empty suitcase back from him, "Just wanted to make sure you really went. That's all."

"Missy-"

"Have fun!" his sister gave him her warmest smile and waved while John was growing increasingly aware that other people were beginning to form a queue behind them, ready to board the cruise ship. He was faced with two choices: grab his suitcase and leave out of spite because of the nasty trick Missy had pulled on him or shrug it off and go on a well deserved holiday. Right now the promise of warmth and sunshine in the Mediterranean seemed to be the much better option so John growled at his sister in goodbye and turned around without saying another word.

With no further information than his cabin number and the instructions the staff had given him about where to it find it John made his way across the ship, positive that he had made the right decision. The ship itself was modern and elegant and from the inside it looked more like a hotel than anything else. He passed a couple of signs leading to the outdoor swimming area, the indoor pool, several bars and restaurants, a book shop, a cinema and John was sure he would have spotted more but he was eager to get rid of his luggage before continuing his explorations.

Missy definitely hadn't lied about his first class cabin though why on earth his sister would have chosen to send him off alone was beyond John. The place was spacious, with a large bed taking the centre of the room and a window and balcony behind it. There was a wardrobe for his clothes, a minibar, a small coffee table with chairs, a desk and a telly. The bathroom was quite small but John noticed that the massaging shower head looked more than promising. Yes, he had made the right decision. 16 days of relaxing and sightseeing in the sun. What could possibly be bad about that?

Now that he came to think about it he thought it was high time to have a look at the brochures to learn about the schedule of this trip. John found them lying on the desk and as soon as he had taken a closer look a frown appeared on his face.

See The World And Meet Your Match

Welcome aboard the TARDIS! We are going to take you on a wild journey through the Mediterranean Sea where you can relax, unwind, have fun and maybe even meet the love of your life. During the days of our 16-day-journey we are going to show you the wonderful sights the south of Europe has to offer but what or who you will spend the nights with is entirely up to you. We offer a variety of activities that are included in your activity overview. The crew wishes you an adventurous and relaxing holiday!

"Missy," John hissed as he reached into his trouser pocket for his phone. She had gone ahead and booked him a singles' cruise, that damned woman.

"Missy, I am absolutely-"

"Hello, this is the voicemail of Missy Smith. I am currently not available but I will call you back if you leave me a message. If this is you, John, just go with it, okay? Who knows – you might even meet someone. I'll pick you up in 16 days. Have fun!"

John ended the call and slid the phone back inside his pocket. There was no use raving to a machine about it and, knowing Missy, she would probably just ignore the message anyway. So that was the reason she hadn't accompanied him and a part of him realized that maybe he should have known. Missy had been trying to find him a girlfriend for years but so far he had always refused a set up. How could he have known she would resort to this?

John wasn't even on the lookout for a relationship. Yes, it had been long since River and he had given it a try on a few occasions but generally he wasn't unhappy as a bachelor, mainly because his job took up most of his time, and he certainly wouldn't find anyone on a singles' cruise.

Well, the cruise had been paid for already, he had boarded the ship. Should John really just go with it and try to make the best out of the situation? A glance at the schedule told him that they would be sailing for almost two whole days and make their first stop in Lisbon tomorrow evening and a tour would be given the following day. That didn't sound too bad in his opinion. He really wanted to see Lisbon and all the other stops they had planned in Spain and Italy. It would be lovely. And no one would force him to attend the offered speed dating opportunities or the parties, even though the description of the 30s themed evening had a nice ring to it. Yes, John Smith decided to stay. After all, how bad could it really be?

The ship set sail a short while later and John considered having another look around the ship. There were so many activities on offer, so many things he hadn't done in a while because his work had never allowed it. Read a book on deck, watch a nice movie at the cinema, go for a swim in the pool, there was even a gym that he could use but when he came to think about it his bones were beginning to feel a little heavy. He had gone to sleep late last night, or early this morning, after trying to prepare his practice for his replacement Doctor Jones, labelling everything and writing additional notes about some of the patients he knew would come in during his absence and he was tired. Really, really tired.

While John sank down on the soft bed he thought about giving Martha Jones a quick call but then his tiredness and lack of sleep got the better of him before he even had a chance.

John woke up when it was already dark and next to a throbbing headache he also noticed a low, growling noise in his stomach. With a groan he stretched and glanced at his watch, realizing that it was already well past dinner time. Well, he was on a party cruise ship. Some restaurant or bar would surely still offer a snack and so John scrambled to his feet and, ignoring his wrinkled suit and tousled hair, stepped outside his cabin.

The further he walked away from the sleeping quarters the louder the music of the ongoing parties became and on his way John met quite a lot of people who were clearly dressed to have fun. He ignored most of them, not even giving them a second glance because his main goal at the moment was to get something to eat until two women around the age of 30 blocked the corridor for him. Both of them were clearly drunk already, even though the redhead still managed to hold up the smaller one as they staggered around the hall. Thank God those days were behind John but he still remembered the time when he and his friend thought there was no better fun than getting drunk before midnight.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," the redhead giggled, trying hard to keep the tiny brunette walking, "I think that was enough for the first day."

"I hate this ship," the small woman complained with a heavy slur, "The floor's movin'."

"That would be the tequila," the other laughed.

John stepped aside to allow them to pass but then the tiny brunette looked up at him and stopped. Oh no, he didn't have the nerve to deal with a drunk person right now.

Then she started giggling. "Your hair's all funny," she said, pointing right at him, and John tried very hard not to feel insecure about a drunk woman's comment. But maybe he should have brushed it before leaving his cabin.

"Come on, Clara," the redhead said and tried to drag her friend along but the woman called Clara didn't budge. Instead she swayed on the spot and her face was starting to grow paler.

"No," she swallowed, "I don't feel so good."

John didn't have time to step out of the way when the small woman bent over and emptied the contents of her stomach on the ship's carpet floor, ruining his shoes in the process. That was exactly why he hated drunk people.

"Sorry," the other woman mumbled quickly and helped steady her friend on her feet, "She's had a bit too much. I'm sure there's a cleaners' here on board. Tell them it's on Clara Oswald."

"What?!" the brunette protested groggily while her friend dragged her away in the direction of the cabins.

John watched them until they had dragged themselves around the next corner before his gaze fell onto his ruined shoes. When he had thought that this cruise couldn't possibly be as bad as originally assumed he had been wrong. It was worse.