A/N: This took way too long. My only excuse is that it was legit super hard to write this chapter. And that's probs not even a good one LOL. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

She sits on the Eiffel Tower, too tired to move, too exhausted to stay. Of course, going back to being a hero wasn't always fun, especially with the rain pouring down as it was now. At the very least, feeling cold and wet seems like a good enough punishment for herself. Hell, if she could get sick, it'd be even better. She wouldn't have to go to school and face her classmates yet again.

They all treated her like she was some resurrected saint, and to be honest, it was really starting to drain her sanity. At the very least, she could depend on Chloe to be a ever-so-present jerk. Even if it pained her to say it, she was really relieved that at least one person was treating her badly.

Like she deserved.

Maybe Chloe could tell that Marinette wasn't all that good. She almost laughs out loud at the thought. It's come to a point where she even puts herself down low enough to meet Chloe's standards of terrible. God, when had everything gotten so bad?

A soft padding of footsteps detaches her from her thoughts, and an umbrella is held over her head. She barely moves her head up enough to see that it's Chat holding the umbrella over her, letting himself be soaked in her place. She sighs.

"Ladybug."

"Chat."

"Why are you out in the rain? You'll get sick." She laughs.

"Shouldn't that be the last of your worries?"

"On the contrary, it's one of my top concerns at the moment."

"You really shouldn't have."

"But I think I really should have."

"You're going to get sick."

"Then that makes two of us." He smiles and sits down next to her, her partner holding the umbrella between the two of them. The pattering of the rain resounds in a comforting way, filling up the silence between them as she looks over her beloved Paris. How she tries so desperately to protect it and her precious, loved ones. And yet, she still manages to hurt them all.

She sighs yet again.

"Ladybug, what's on your mind?"

"It's… It's nothing."

"...Right."

They return to silence, and she prays that they stay that way. That is, until he speaks up again.

"You're upset."

"Huh?"

"You're upset about the whole… Marinette thing, aren't you?" She hugs her knees close to her chest and doesn't respond, knowing full well that he can interpret her actions well enough now. "Look, I… I wasn't the nicest that day. I was upset too, and, I didn't realize that you had to make some sacrifices. That, you can't always save everyone. And, I didn't consider your feelings that day, and I'm sorry, so please, please, can you please talk to me again?" Sniffles respond to him instead, and Chat moves closer, jostling the umbrella a bit and allowing the rain to splatter by her feet. "Ladybug?"

"You stopped."

"Huh?"

"You stopped calling me, 'My Lady'."

Silence.

She wasn't sure if she wanted it to stay that way this time.

"...L-Ladybug."

"I'm not mad." She says it quickly, keeping her gaze firmly on the scenery. "I'm not…I'm not mad. It's just…"

"What is it?" He's quiet and soft, like he's talking to a skittish kitten, and honestly, she really does feel the impulse to just swing away and not have this conversation. But he's here, it's raining, and he was even nice enough to bring along an umbrella. He really does know her pretty well.

Well, not well enough.

"Do you… do you still like being my partner?" He goes silent, and she's really, REALLY starting to hate the silence. So to make it go away, she fills it with her own bumbling voice. "I-I mean, I know you don't have much of a choice, since we've pretty much been forced to work together since we met, a-and I know that we work great together, b-but, well, you know, s-sometimes working good together doesn't always mean you work GOOD together, right? I mean, not in THAT sense, but more like, you can't work together together, like, you don't mesh that good no more a-and-" She can hear her stuttering and mess of logic, and it sounds too much like Marinette, and oh god, she's losing her cool, she's nothing like Ladybug anymore.

She's Marinette.

She's Ladybug.

She's Marinette?

Ladybug?

Who is she anymore?

Can Chat tell? Can he see Marinette breaking through her Ladybug facade? Can he see the truth?

He can't know the truth. He can't because if he found out, then he'd know that she lied to him, to Alya, to her parents, to all of Paris, and she honestly can't take that kind of pain.

She feels his hands on her shoulders, he's shaking her but she doesn't care because all she can hear is her words and the rain, and it's raining all over the two of them, she could be crying, he could be crying, but would either of them really know?

They hardly know each other anyways, even if they know each other's patterns and habits and quirks, that's only them as they are now. As superheroes that Paris looks up to, but right now, she's not sure she can handle that burden anymore. All she knows is that there's the faint sound of Chat's voice, and she wonders if she's heard a similar voice before, but no, she shuts it out, pushes the thought away because the last thing she needs to think about is who he could be, and how she hurt him.

Because Chat doesn't know she's Marinette.

Because Chat doesn't know that Ladybug and Marinette are the same person.

And all she can do is blabber and blubber on and on, and if this keeps up, how does she tell the difference between Marinette and Ladybug?

All she can hear is her stumbling and confusion, words continuing to spew out of her brain like it's the last resort, but she can't stop talking and nothing is making sense- why does Chat even like her does he even like her anymore? Are they even friends anymore? She thinks and thinks and it's this tightness in her chest because she's scared, so so scared, and she can't tell if she's scared as Marinette or as Ladybug, hell, is there even a difference anymore? What's she even scared about? So many things, so so many things and she thinks that Chat is at the center of it all, because now he's always there when she's Marinette, and he's always been there when she's Ladybug, and suddenly, suddenly she's scared out of her mind.

Because if he knows the truth, he'll leave her no matter who she is.

Because losing Chat, the one and only constant in both her lives, is terrifying.

"-Ladybug! LADYBUG!" His voice breaks through the walls of words she's built around herself in desperation, her thoughts caving in around her as she wants so badly to lose herself to her self-loathing and fear because those are the only things that make sense anymore and she just wants it all to stop, but Chat, her faithful, faithful companion who she never, ever deserved, who deserved more than the media and Paris ever gave him credit for, he's still here, and his voice is loud and in her ear, and it's only then that she realizes that her voice has reached a point in hysteria that only Marinette would normally reach. "Ladybug, listen to me!" Her breathing hitches to a stop, and her shoulders are shaking by their own volition, not because Chat was shaking her.

"Ch-Chat?"

"Yeah, yeah that's me." He breathes a sigh of relief and pulls her against his chest. "You can hear me now. It's okay, Ladybug." Denial runs through her mind, because she knows everything is NOT okay, and she wants nothing more but to hide herself away from Chat, away from Paris and the world and never again be involved with the double-life business because quite frankly, it sucks.

"Is it? Is it really?" Her voice breaks, either because of her previous hysteric abuse of it, or because she's probably crying, but luckily, the rain is kind enough to hide that fact pretty well. "Are things really okay?"

"You're… The Marinette incident really messed you up, didn't it?" She responds with a broken laugh, because god that isn't even the half of it.

"I l-... lost your t-trust, Chat." His grip on her tightens, and she wonders vaguely if he feels bad for that moment where he was angry and mistrusting of her that one night, and of course, she can't blame him for being a normal human. She can't even get mad at him for being Chat, her loyal and kind and funny and sweet Chat.

"...I'm-"

"Please. Please don't apologize." Because why should he when there was nothing he could have done? "You didn't- you didn't do anything wrong."

"Ladybug, please if I had been there I could have-"

"But you weren't because you can't be there for everything all the time." She thinks and remembers how Marinette had to save the day, when Ladybug was out of commission and she couldn't use her superpowers. It's hard, because superheroes are expected to be everywhere at once, but that's just so physically impossible, she should know better than anyone just how hard it is.

She knows better than anyone that she shouldn't have blamed him for not being there, because even if he had been, Marinette was already Ladybug.

The only thing that would change would be the absolute result of Chat blaming himself more than ever, because Marinette still would have "died" in that explosion.

There is just no way around it.

She wonders if she should have let them reveal each other's secret identities to each other earlier on.

"...Ladybug." She wipes her face, not knowing if it was the rain or her own tears, before looking up at Chat's pained expression. "I… What kind of partner would I be if I wasn't around all the time?"

"Chat, even I'm not around all the time, and I'm Ladybug!" Her arms wrap around herself in frustration, her eyes turned back to the landscape as her partner sputters besides her. "I can't put you at that level when even I can't manage that."

"...But, we're superheroes!"

"I know! But we're… we're kids too, Chat!" Her voice breaks, because she's tired, so so tired of living this hell of a double life, of pretending that everything will work out when it almost hadn't. "We have lives other than this… costume we put on, than this whole hero worshipping thing that Paris has out for us. The only reason we do this is because we're the only ones who can protect Paris! I love Paris and the people here, but sometimes, it just gets too much and the expectations become too much, and when you fail to save one person it- it all goes to hell and suddenly the people who trusted you start to look down on you and it hurts because you're just a kid- I'M just a kid Chat, I tried, okay? I really, really, tried!"

"Ladybug, I… I'm sorry. I know I made it harder for you on that day, and, I was just…" He was just being human, she knows that. But he gently grabs her face and turns her to look at him, and she sees the soft kindness in his eyes, the sweet part of him that was always there even when he was being annoyingly flirty, and she can't help but relent to his hold. He sighs softly and keeps her turned towards him. "I was being stupid and rash, and I know it's difficult. I know you're trying, and I'm trying, we're BOTH trying, and sometimes it doesn't always work out, but, please, stop beating yourself up about it. I… I forgive you. I should have trusted you that day, to know that you had a plan, because you ALWAYS have a plan, and that you wouldn't have let Marinette just… die like that. So, I've forgiven you, and I get it now so please, stop doing this to yourself. The patrols aren't even half as fun without the normal you." She almost wants to laugh at his comment because god, what even is her normal self? But she places her hands over his, because his touch is nice and reassuring, but it doesn't help to fight back the guilt in her chest. He doesn't know, and she hopes he'll never know for the longest time the true reason she can't forgive herself. So she looks down and holds tight to his hands, trying her best not to cry since the two of them are already soaked and ready for a cold anyways so why add more distress to their systems?

"I… I can't, Chat. Not now, not for a long time. I can't just, forgive myself just like that. It's… it's hard to explain."

"That's okay. We can just, talk it out and stuff."

"...in the rain?"

"Yeah." He puts down his hands and picks up the forgotten umbrella, holding it over their heads and protecting them from the offending downpour. "I think we should be good now." She gives a small smile, her hands holding tightly to her yoyo.

"Yeah."

"So… Why can't you forgive yourself?"

"It's just… It's hard to. I've hurt so many people in one day, and I'm sure some of them are starting to doubt me… But, more than that, it's just… hard now. Trying to deal with both sides of my life."

"What do you mean?" She squeezes the yoyo and bites her lip. It's hard to explain to him without revealing the fact that she's Marinette, so she goes for the next best thing.

"It's like… I have to pretend that I'm feeling a certain way, or that I experienced a certain thing even though I didn't, because I was out fighting the akumas, and, at the same time, people talk about how Ladybug almost failed to save a life, and it's like, they sort of expect me to doubt myself, and so then, I have to fake one thing over another, and I was someplace when I really wasn't, and usually it's easier to do because, well, I've done it before. But this time… It's hard to pretend I have an alibi because... " Because I have to pretend that I was dead. "...It's just difficult to."

"Uh…" Chat looks down, his face scrunched up in concentration as he tries to parse through her jumble of words, trying to make sense of it all. "So… You're saying that it's hard to pretend to be a civilian… When you know the truth about what happened?"

"Or, what could have happened."

"Ladybug, you tried your best."

"But what if my best wasn't enough? What if…" What if I thought for a second, that it'd be easier to let Marinette stay dead? What if I just gave up and let Ladybug disappear too? "What if it all went sour? What would you do? Would you still want to be my partner? Would you blame me for her death?" A sort of bitterness wells up in her, and she grips her yoyo hard enough that she wishes it breaks. "What then? What would you do, Chat?" She expects him to curl away, to be hurt and confused and maybe, just maybe, he'll give her space and leave her alone but instead, he leans forward and gently removes her hand from the yoyo, making her unclench her fingers and slowly smoothing them over his own hand.

"...It's hard, to come up with answers to those questions. And, you're going through a hard time too, so, I can't really blame you for acting like this. How long have you been bottling this up?" She doesn't answer, but instead grips his hand tightly, and instead of wanting to break his hand like her yoyo, she wants instead to feel the reassurance he always seems to radiate whenever she's feeling down on her luck.

She finds it funny how the black cat always manages to help her find her luck again.

"...I'm gonna take that as a really long time then." He squeezes back, and the reassurance washes over her gently. "I'm sorry for not noticing earlier. I guess, for me, being a superhero lets me be… me. But I guess it's not that easy for you. Maybe, there's a way to make it easier for you? Like, maybe relieve some of that double identity stress?"

"Huh?" She looks at him with some confusion, but a small feeling of dread begins to chill her chest more than the cold weather.

"I mean… I know you said it wouldn't be a good idea before to reveal ourselves to each other, mostly because it'll be safer if we didn't know each other? And that, it'd be less likely for us to slip up around each other and reveal each other's identities to others by accident, but, I think now, it might help you ease that burden of having your secret identity?" He looks at her with a hopeful smile, and it only serves to make the dread and fear overtake her completely. It must have shown on her face, as his smile completely drops off and he begins to quickly explain himself. "I-I mean, it'll just be easier for the both of us, right? We'd know where each other was, and we could help each other with our alibis, and we could talk about plans in private, o-or even just hang out as normal friends? And, you know, we wouldn't have to worry so much about our civilian selves, because we'd know where they were and stuff! And then-"

"No!" It comes out like a bark, and she covers her mouth quickly, jerking her hand away from Chat's and looking away from the hurt that's finally appeared on his face. She shakes her head and curls her hands against the sides of her head. "We can't! Chat, we can't!"

"B-But, Ladybug! It'll be so much easier for us-"

"But what if you don't like what you learn?" She can feel the fear snaking up around her throat, constricting it and making it harder for her to breathe, because if he knew, if he knew she was Marinette, what would she do? "What if it just makes you hate me?"

"I won't hate you, Ladybug!"

"But what if you hate what you learn? What if you regret ever asking?" She can't let him know, she can't she can't she can't he'll hate her she just knows this.

"Ladybug, please just trust me on this-"

"Chat, it isn't that simple!" Because they weren't just talking about revealing their real selves and the small lies they've told one another. It was revealing the biggest lie she's told to him, to everyone in Paris, and revealing that all that drama and pain and weeping were all for naught, that Marinette had been alive all this time and she didn't even let them know. That she played them like puppets on a string, believing that she had no control over everything when really, she just allowed them to believe that she was dead.

She could have stopped and de-transformed back into Marinette and reassured them, but she didn't. She made them grieve over someone who was still alive and acted as though she didn't care. She could have eased their fears and suffering, but she just allowed it to continue without a second thought.

She allowed her partner to be distraught and upset and offered him no comfort in return. Instead, she got upset and defensive, and how would that help her case once he found out?

He'd leave her, angry, hurt, pained, betrayed.

And she's so scared to lose him, even if she does deserve it.

What she did was unforgivable, and she can't let him know. Not yet, she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to face the world alone without him; she still needed and depended on him, and once he leaves, what could she do?

He was…

He was one of her closest friends.

She didn't want to lose him.

"You can't know, n-not, not yet, please Chat, I'm begging you…" The tears came back, and she couldn't help but feel pathetic over this. She felt like a childish brat. Of course he wanted to know, he DESERVED to know, but she was too scared to let him in just to have him leave in a fury.

"Ladybug, please, you have to trust me, I won't- I won't get upset and, I'll understand better about what you're going through so, just, please, please trust me with this. Please, Ladybug." He gently takes her hands in his and she knows that she doesn't deserve his kindness, his patience and trust and care. But she's scared, so scared can't he see that? Can't he see how much she doesn't want to lose him?

"You don't get it, Chat i-it's hard, I can't just tell you, not now, please not now!" It's selfish, wanting to keep this secret until everything blows over. Until Marinette's "death" is nothing but a faint bad taste that no one thinks about anymore. At least, that's how badly she wants to believe that her faked death is all that it will boil down to. Nothing but a faint, bad memory.

"But why? Why won't you just tell me?" His voice is pained, strained as though he's forcing himself not to start crying, because god knows that what they both don't need right now is both of them feeling pathetic.

"Because I don't want you to hate me!" It comes out in a rush, the words leaving her lips before she even realizes she said it. The grip on her hands weakens from shock, and it's enough for her to pull back, to curl in on herself to keep from blurting out anymore.

"...what?"

"I should go."

"Ladybug, wait!" Before she can even get up, his hands firmly keep her in place. "Wait, okay? Let's, let's just talk this out for a bit, alright?"

"Chat, I don't know…"

"Then just, listen to me, please?"

"..."

"Just for a little bit, and then you can go off and do whatever you'd like. But for now, just let me say my piece, okay? Please, my lady?" When she hears the nickname return, she can't help but relax slightly, her form slumping as she nods in resignation. He lets out a sigh, and his grip slowly releases her. "...I don't know what secret you're hiding, but, whatever it is, I won't hate you for it."

"...you don't know that."

"And neither do you." His reply gives forces her thoughts to a halt. Did she actually know if he'd react like that? Her kind, silly partner, hating her because of what she'd done? There was no way he wouldn't react negatively, but would he really hate her for what she had done?

Maybe she was just trying to shift the guilt around, to keep it buried even more without having it come up again. Was that it? What did she really want?

What was she really scared of?

"...I… Chat, I just, I don't- I don't know what will happen when it comes out. It's just- It's scary, and unpredictable, and it's something I can't depend on luck for, and I don't want things to go badly because of it." The words come out shaky and soft, her hands trembling as she opens up, just a bit. "I… I trust you, I really do, but, this isn't a little, little thing, you know? It's big, bigger than you can imagine and... " She takes a deep breath, steadying herself before continuing. "It's not something that can be fixed easily. It's like, once I tell you, I might instead betray YOUR trust instead. It's not like, it's not JUST revealing our identities or anything like that. It's BIGGER than that, Chat. It's revealing our secrets with our identities. It's figuring out one thing over another, and realizing that some things just aren't what they looked like before. And it's scary to think about."

"...Ladybug, I-"

"And more than anything, I don't want to lose you, or your trust, and I can't trust myself yet to reveal it. Not now. Just, I'm not ready for what happens next."

"My lady," he takes her hands gently, squeezing them to reassure her, comfort her in some way, "you will never lose me. I promise you that. Whatever it is, this big secret that will come out if you tell me who you really are… I won't judge you for that. No matter what." He smiles, and she almost cries because that's all she can ever do today. But, she wants that to change, so she bites her lip to keep from crying. Chat raises a finger and brushes away the almost tears, because of course he can see them, and she ends up crying, but it's soft, and quiet, and she feels a bit of relief from letting them come out. "We're both kids here. And, I won't blame you for whatever it was that you did. I'll do my best to be understanding, and supportive, and I'll still be your Chat."

"Chat… I…" He leans forward to hug her, and she wraps her arms around him, tight and strong, refusing to let go for a second. She needs this. He needs this. After everything they went through, they both need this.

"I get it if you don't want to reveal your identity right now. That's okay. I won't push anymore, alright?" She nods against his shoulder, her grip unrelenting as she can feel the warmth radiating from him. Had she always felt this cold?

"Okay."

"I'll wait, for however long it takes."

"Okay."

"It'll be okay."

"Okay."

Neither of them moves. The rain lessens to a gentle drizzle, the Paris night revealing itself slowly as the moonbeams shine down through the slowly drifting rain clouds, a gentle kind of light that blankets over the two heroes as they sit on the tower. They were both soaking wet, and were more than likely to get sick at this point, but really, all she cared about was spending just a little more time with Chat.

She can finally feel warm and light again.

"Chat?"

"Yes, my lady?"

"You're my favorite cat."

"Haha, and you're my favorite little bug."

She closes her eyes. She'll tell him someday. When she's ready, and everyone has healed from that terrible, terrible day, she'll be able to gather up her courage and tell him who she really is.

She won't ever lose him.

And he won't ever have to worry about losing her again.

A/N: Want a better way at kicking my ass into gear? Visit my writing blog, jubilantwriter at tumblr dot com and kick my ass to kingdom come so I don't make you guys wait hALF A YEAR FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER IT PROBABLY WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD I'M SORRY