Nothing to Lose

AU for 3x17, 'Countdown'

IV

"Did you mean it?"

She blurts out the question before the door has even fully opened, slightly appalled by the edge of desperation that gives her voice a harsh bite. Already she's getting this all wrong.

It's not what she's been wanting to say, not how she hoped to start this conversation, yet it's the only thing that's kept revolving in her mind, like a record player with its needle stuck, over and over and over. While she'd crossed through the city, the rush hour traffic wreaking havoc on her nerves, more stop than go while she had to sit idle in the backseat of a cab with her racing heart and the tempestuous whirl of her thoughts. When all she'd wanted, needed was to move, to just get there. To him.

He's staring at her, eyes hardened like diamonds and his jaw set, an immovable presence in his doorway.

"I meant every word."

He's serious, so serious, and her heart, her poor mangled heart keeps fluttering, the wonder of it warring with the nervous jitters in her stomach.

He meant it. He wants to-

"Then why did you-?" Leave? She snaps her mouth closed around the word, swallowing hard. She can't complete the question. She knows why. What else could he have done, given the circumstances? Castle is, above all, an honorable man, despite the playboy act he used to put on display. Kate knows he wouldn't have stayed, wouldn't have asked anything of her once the other man, her boyfriend, had shown up.

She gulps around the knot in her throat, waves it off. "Forget it- Can I... May I come in?"

He gestures for her to enter, his face still that stony mask she can't read. She steps inside, into his space. It smells like him, so familiar, weakens her knees a little, makes her stomach flutter. The fireplace crackles and sizzles, and she feels alert to every whisper and sigh in the vast space of his home, the creak of the wood floor beneath her soles and the quiet hum of the heating, the susurrus of his breathing, the finality of the door clicking shut behind her.

She paces, fingers knitted together so tightly that her knuckles turn white, staring at his flooring but then she gathers what strength she has left. It's up to her now, to fix this. Kate turns for him, fingers knotted, her insides knotted, her thoughts knotted; a tangled mess. But she needs to see him, wants to remember this moment until they're eighty and decrepit, with white hair and decades' worth of memories.

This is insane, by all standards of normal adult human behavior and yet – after a bomb that should've incinerated them, and almost freezing to death in the cradle of his arms with the barely-warm whisper of his breath against her icy ear, after every moment spent together, after almost dying twice (or was it three times? She doesn't even know any longer), after that kiss, that amazing, toe-curling kiss she usually has to censor herself not to think about – after everything they've been through, together, it's like nothing has ever been more right before.

Their eyes meet, and then she does the one thing she's yearned to do since he'd ripped those wires and crushed her against his chest, the only thing she should've done. She leaps for him, frames his face within her palms, and she kisses him. His lips are soft against hers, surprise melting into a moan as he opens for her, his brittleness dissolving into movement as his arms rise to wrap around her, bracing her lower back, her shoulders, fingers tangling in the mess of her hair. Her tongue meets his in an almost languid caress, less fiery and frantic than she would've expected; soft, sweeter, more aching than she can bear.

"Kate." He murmurs against her mouth, his large palm still cradling her neck, fingers warm against her skin, holding her in place, holding her close. "What about Josh?"

"On his way to Haiti." She can feel her strength returning, the conviction that's been rising within her breaking through, fortifying her.

"You broke up?"

"Of course I did." She'd been just as shocked when Josh had shown up at the precinct, startled by his sudden presence; that deer-in-the-headlights moment where she stood unable to move, didn't know what to say, what to do. Despite the fact that Josh had chosen to remain in New York, had come to help rescue them from hypothermia, she had completely forgotten about him. He was her boyfriend, and in her last seconds on Earth, in the moments before what could've been her death, he hadn't once entered her mind. She hadn't been fair, least of all to him.

"Why?"

"Because…" She takes a deep breath, feels brave and rattled both. It seems so obvious now, after everything that's happened.

"Because you asked me to marry you. And I said yes."

He is still looking at her, asking questions with his eyes. She can see his uncertainty, the lingering doubts, and she can't blame him. Of course it's not obvious to him. He needs to hear the words. He deserves her words. And she knows she wants to gift them to him, to ensure he knows she's walking into this with her eyes – and her heart – wide open.

She presses herself even closer, finds his fingers with her left hand, coiling them together, squeezing, raising their fists so they rest, knotted together, inseparable, between their heartbeats.

"And I meant it."

"You... You want to-." Disbelief makes his voice sound rough, surprised shock causing him to stutter, but she hears it anyway, the hope laced through the confusion. "Why?"

"Because I love you." It tumbles from her mouth, stark and shocking in its truth yet it's the only thing she can make sense of within that whirl of convoluted feelings that had accompanied her for the past hours.

"You…" He sounds breathless, startled speechless, and she forges forward. Words, Kate, use your words.

"Remember what I told you when we were stuck in isolation together?"

He nods. "I remember."

Kate tightens her hold on his hand, knuckles crushed together, runs her other hand through her hair in frustration when her thoughts still refuse to knit into any kind of logical narrative, making her stumble over the words.

"Today made me realize that the answers I'd been seeking were already there, right in front of me. You. In our last moments, in what could've been the very last seconds of our life, you were there. For me, with me. You dove in with me – no matter the consequences, or the futility of it all. I was devastated, and I was so scared. I didn't want to die! And I was heartbroken, believing that Alexis would have to grow up without her parent, would have to go through the same thing I went through and there was no way I could fix it. Yet in the end, in my most selfish thoughts I realized that I was glad you were there. That if we had to die, if this was it, I was relieved we were together. That there is no one else I'd rather have by my side than you. I just want you."

She's breathing heavily, her thoughts whirling and her mind emotionally drained when his mouth seals over hers, his lips urgent and demanding. He kisses her and her knees actually buckle; her arms wrap around his neck of their own volition, her body pressing against the strength of his, stretched up on her toes.

His arm tightens around her waist, half lifting her off the ground as he deepens the kiss, tongue gliding into her mouth. She whimpers, sinking against him, tasting him for only the third time in her life and yet nothing had ever been as right, as perfect before. She hears a moan, realizes it came from her as she clings to him with what little fortitude she has left.

"Castle," she murmurs into his mouth, the exhaustion of the past days, the last few hours, minutes, the complete relief crashing over her like a wave, trying to drag her under but she ignores it, ignores everything but the intoxicating, revitalizing power of his arms around her. The scent of his skin, the feel of it beneath her fingertips; the flavor of his kisses, kisses she couldn't allow herself to dream about for weeks since she'd gotten her first taste of him under the guise of a ruse. The realization how crazy all this is, how absolutely insane.

How perfect, how wonderfully right.

"You're really going to marry me?" He presses out between kisses, his words a hum against her lips. Still disbelieving and stunned and yet there's joy in his voice now, delight sparkling in his eyes.

"Yeah. I'm really going to marry you." She twirls her hand through his hair, feeling the soft strands run like caresses between her fingers, her other hand cradling his jaw, thumb stroking over his bottom lip. "Think you can handle that?"

"I can handle anything, as long as it's with you." She smiles and he kisses her, once, twice. "Well, maybe fewer bombs. And freezers. We could skip the serial killers, too. And-"

She's the one to kiss him this time. "Shut up, Castle," she whispers against his lips, deepening their kiss, letting herself sink into the worship of his mouth until breathing becomes a necessity. "It's going to be okay, right?"

"Kate." He brushes his thumb over her cheekbone and the corner of her mouth. "It's going to be great."

She smiles against his lips, her teeth and tongue playing his bottom lip skillfully. "You have no idea…," she winks impishly. "Yet."

He trembles at the assault of her mouth, eyes stark with arousal when he looks at her, tightens his arms around her, holding her close, so close. She hopes he'll never let go again.

"Good thing we'll have our whole lives to find out."

END

a/n: Thank you all for reading, and your wonderful comments and enthusiasm. I appreciate every one of you. A great big tackle hug to Meg for her editing prowess - you polished this from dull to shine! Thank you!