**I don't own Fairy Tail or the characters. Standard disclaimer stuff.

OK… In response to people who believe that I need to adapt to NaLu, I've decided to write a one-shot based on all the other NaLu stories I've seen on the site. I know I said I don't ship NaLu, but you gotta' conform, right?

Hopefully, after people read this I'll never get a request for a NaLu again.**

"Alright, I've got the perfect quest picked out!" Natsu grinned. "Team Natsu mobilize!"

"Alright," Lucy grinned, running up and being the first to reach the dragon slayer.

"Oh, sorry Lucy, but you're not part of team Natsu anymore. You're way too weak. We're gonna' go with someone stronger. Like Asuka."

"Yay! I get to go on job requests with Uncle Natsu!" the 7 year old cheered.

[[Lucy: *glares at author* Ok, that's just mean

Author: Do you want to be with Natsu or not?

Lucy: *Squeals like a fangirl* YES!

Author: Deal with it then]]

"You're so mean Natsu! Now I have to leave and get stronger to prove I'm worthy of your team!"

Natsu completely abandoned his character and sneered at Lucy. "Good. We don't need your weak ass around here anyway."

Gray also completely abandoned his character and agreed with Natsu. "Yeah. You should go join a guild where you'll fit in better. Like Baby's Bottom."

Erza likewise jumped out of character. "Yeah Lucy, we don't have room for any weak characters on our team."

Lucy started bawling. "I hate all of you! I'm gonna' go out and learn some kind of slayer magic and prove how powerful I am!" She rushed out of the guild in tears.

"Wait Lucy, I didn't really mean it!" Natsu yelled. But it was too late. Lucy was gone for good.

Just then Makarov came out. "What happened?"

"Lucy left because Team Natsu said she was too weak," Mirajane informed him.

Makarov looked at Team Natsu with a severe expression on his face. "Well then, there's only one thing to do…"

He let the sentence hang for several long minutes as Team Natsu started sweating. Then he broke his stern expression into a cheerful grin. "Let's party!"

~~~X number of arbitrary years later~~~

Natsu was walking through Magnolia, past Lucy's old apartment. Missing Lucy, because that was what he did.

Suddenly a mysterious figure in a mysterious cloak of a mysterious color with mysterious long blonde hair appeared.

"Hello Natsu." A female voice said.

Natsu sniffed at her. She smelled familiar, even though she had a mysterious magic aura that he'd never felt before. It was…

"Lucy? You're back!"

"Yep – and I've learned new magic."

Just then a Chihuahua came running up and leaped at Natsu's ass, teeth bared for the bite.

Lucy intervened before the fearsome beast could sink its teeth in. "Chihuahua Slayer Secret Art: Doggie Be Gone!"

The Chihuahua suddenly burst into a gory puddle of blood, fur, guts, and bone bits.

"Lucy," Natsu gaped.

"Yep," Lucy said. "I'm a Chihuahua Slayer now!"

[[Lucy: *Glares at Author Again* Chihuahua Slayer? Really?

Author: What about it?

Lucy: You couldn't have made it something cool like a dragon god celestial demon slayer or something?

Author: Nope.

Lucy: I hate you right now.

Author: *points behind her* Hey look – Natsu!

Lucy: *Squeals like a fangirl* Natsu-kun!]]

Natsu was very surprised and shocked to see that Lucy had indeed mastered a new form of magic. "Thanks Luce. You just saved my ass, literally. To thank you, I'll do anything you want me to."

"Anything?" Lucy got a huge smile on her face.

"Anything." Natsu confirmed.

"Good," Lucy grinned. "We're near my apartment. Fuck me."

"Umm…" Natsu rubbed the back of his head. "Anything else?"

"No. You said anything. That's my request."

Natsu sweat-dropped. "I don't think that was included, right girls?"

All the girls of Fairy Tail, who suddenly appeared in the street nearby, shook their heads emphatically. "Nope. It's not fair using a stupid promise to make Natsu fuck you."

Suddenly all the men appeared, smirking. "You said anything. As a man, you can't back down now."

"Oh fuck," Natsu said.

Lucy grinned and dragged the dragon slayer into her apartment.

"Wish me luck," Natsu gasped out.

The end.

[[Lucy: *Comes back panting* That wasn't Natsu you jerk. It was Ichiya wearing a wig.

Author: Oops. Looked like Natsu from where I was standing.

Lucy: And when I caught him he said you paid him to wear that wig and walk by at that moment.

Author: Umm… Maybe it was just someone that looked like me?

Lucy: You're not getting out of this that easily.

Author: *Waves* Oh, hi Natsu!

Lucy: Natsu? *Turns to look* Wait. I'm not falling for that trick again… *turns back, but no one's there* Dammit.]]

**Alright, there you go all you people who wanted to see NaLu. Hope you're happy now.**