So this is my new favourite crack pairing :D I wrote something for a friend of mine and I stuck these guys together as a side pairing because I thought it was funny and then I got super attached to the idea so I ended up writing this haha Also, fun fact; first time I've ever writen dirty talk when no actual penitrative sex is involved. So I hope you guys enjoy and please, please do not attempt anything like this if your vehicle is moving it's so dangerous

There was a reason why Al always did the long distance driving; he never took his hands off the wheel, apart from to change gear, he never drove over the speed limit, he never got distracted by unimportant road signs and he never really got excessive road rage that often. In short Alphonse Elric was a sensible driver. It was why Envy was perfectly happy to let him do the driving back from Ed's place to theirs.

"I like him," Al said as he indicated to move into the faster lane. "He seems like a sweetheart and Brother seems to really like him."

"It's about time Ed found someone nice," Envy said. "His track record has not been fantastic over the last few years."

"The last one was nice," Al said.

"Ling was an arse-hole," Envy retorted.

"Ling wasn't that bad."

"I didn't like him."

"You don't like anyone," Al chuckled.

"Not true," Envy pouted. "I like this new one."

"His is very nice."

"Very ginger," Envy stated, a little out of the blue.

"What?"

"He's really ginger for a Japanese kid," Envy said. Al did have to admit that he agreed with him on that one.

"He's got nice eyes though," he said.

"Yours are nicer," Envy said, enjoying the pink that dusted Al's cheeks at the praise. "You look really good today," he added. "It has been genuinely quite hard for me to keep my hands off you." He reached over and gave the hair at the nape of Al's neck a gentle stroke.

"Envy I'm driving," Al said taking hold of Envy's wrist and removing the hand from the back of his neck and placing it in his boyfriend's lap.

"Oh come on," Envy pouted leaning over slightly to look at Al with his best pleading puppy-dog eyes. "I'm not that distracting."

"We are literally about ten minutes away from home," Al laughed. "You've waited all day, you can wait until we get in and then you can have free reign over me."

"Really?" Envy asked, eyes gleaming. "Because if you're serious I cannot promise that your shirt is going to remain intact once we're home."

"I need this shirt," Al said. "Please stop destroying all of my shirts."

"Never," Envy grinned and gave Al's collar a light tug. "I will rip this shirt so much that you won't be able to fix it no matter how hard you try."

"Shit..." Al muttered to himself more than to Envy.

"I am kidding," Envy said, taken aback. "I'm not going to rip your shirt off if you don't want me to."

"No not you," Al said. "Look." He nodded in the direction of the road ahead.

"What?" Envy asked and looked out of the window. Break lights that was what. A long trail of break lights stretching back quite a few cars and a huge over-turned lorry stretching over both lanes making getting passed it damned near impossible. "Fuck!"

"Great," Al sighed slowing the car down to a halt.

Envy wound down the passenger side window and, once the car had come to a stop, he undid his seatbelt and leaned out of the window to get a better look. There were numerous pick up trucks, ambulances, police cars and other lorries trying their hardest to move the over-turned lorry safely out of the road so that they could get the traffic moving again. This did not seem to be happening particularly quickly (probably because it looked as if the lorry had been carrying something flammable). He slipped back into the car and wound the window up again.

"Well it doesn't look like we're going anywhere any time soon," he said.

"Great," Al said sighing and leaned his elbows on the steering wheel. "We were literally only one junction away from being home."

"Nothing to be done," Envy said. "Might as well turn the engine off."

"Yeah," Al sighed again and turned the ignition off, leaving the radio on for something other than silence. "It's just kind of annoying because we're nearly there."

"I know but getting stuck in traffic for a bit isn't the end of the world."

"Says the person who hates getting stuck in traffic."

"It's better than being stuck in traffic alone," Envy grinned.

"True," Al said. He stared out of the front window, mindlessly listening to the radio, both of them content to sit in comfortable silence. That was until the grating sound of a new One Direction song began to play over the speakers. Al groaned. "I hate this song."

"So turn the radio off," Envy shrugged.

"I would," Al said, "but it provides a very nice distraction to the fact that we are just stuck here for the foreseeable future."

"While I do see your point there," Envy said, "the both of us really hate No Direction..."

"Song's nearly over," Al pointed out.

"Not the point, they'll come back on again, you know what radio stations are like," Envy said.

"True."

"If we leave the radio on while the engine is turned off it will drain the battery and we'll be even more stuck," Envy said.

"You're right," Al sighed. "God knows how long we're actually going to be sitting here and having a flat battery would probably annoy me even more right now. Hopefully we'll start moving again soon."

"I do too but I wouldn't count on it," Envy said leaning over and turning off the radio leaving only the faint sounds of the traffic outside.

"We could play car games or something?" Al suggested. He was clutching at straws for want of something to do rather than sit and stare out of the window at nothing.

"Those really only work if you're moving," Envy chuckled.

"I guess so."

"Besides I can think of something we can do to pass the time."

"What?" Al asked innocently, not noticing the slight edge Envy's voice had taken on until he felt a hand on his thigh, fingers gently running up the inside so lightly he just about about felt it through his jeans. His eyes widened. "Envy what are you doing?"

"Passing the time until we start moving again," Envy said feigning innocence, not ceasing in his movements.

"But we're in public!"

"We're not," Envy stated. "We're in our car."

"But what if someone looks over and see us," Al protested.

"This is why we got tinted windows," Envy replied and Al could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

"It's really not."

"Nissan Micra's don't come with tinted windows as standard," Envy said. "We got them for a reason." As if to emphasise his point he gave Al's thigh a firm but gentle squeeze making him gasp softly.

"But... but what if we start moving again?" Al was trying to protest – he really was – but Envy's fingers running up the inside of his thigh was making it very difficult for him. He heard Envy chuckle beside him.

"That lorry is taking up the entire road," he stated. "We ain't going anywhere for a while."

"But..." Al began after a pause.

Envy turned Al's face towards his with the hand not on his thigh and silenced him with a kiss. It was quite a short, chased kiss but it left Al breathless all the same. When Envy pulled away Al's eyes stayed closed for a second longer, almost as if he were inviting Envy to kiss him again. Envy had won his case and the both of them knew it; Al wanted him and he didn't think he would be able to wait until they got home if they were stuck on the dual carriageway for too long.

"Relax," Envy whispered, his breath ghosting over the shell of Al's ear, making him shudder. "We're stuck here for a while, nobody can see us and I really, really want to see that gorgeous face of your contorted in pleasure."

"Envy," Al panted, his voice coming out as more breath than word.

A small smirk played about Envy's lips before he dove back in for another kiss, this one much less innocent than the last. He ran his fingers through Al's short, mousy hair, holding him in place as he took Al's bottom lip and ran his teeth over it, gently tugging it. Al was panting, trying to regain some composure but failed miserably when Envy slipped his tongue passed his open lips to massage against his own. He knew the kind of things Envy could do with his tongue but every time they kissed he would get a wonderfully startling reminder.

"Put your hands on the wheel," Envy murmured against Al's lips as he broke the kiss.

"Wha..." Al's mind was too hazy to process the order, all he could think about was Envy's lips on his.

"I said put your hands on the wheel," Envy said again and this time Al knew it was a command. Hands trembling slightly he reached up and dutifully placed both hands at the top of the steering wheel, grasping it tightly. "Good boy, now keep your eyes on the road."

"Envy what are you...?" Al began but he was cut off by Envy turning his face and kissing him softly.

"Keep your eyes on the road," Envy said again. "I'm going to talk and you're going to listen, understand?"

Al nodded as he turned to look out of the front window, his eyes zeroing in on just how filthy the car in front of theirs was. He felt Envy's fingers winding round the slightly longer hair at the top of his head and giving it a harsh tug. Al let out a soft gasp as pleasure rippled down his spine.

"I said do you understand?"

"Y... yes," Al stammered.

"Good," Envy said. He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips to Al's cheeks. "You are making me repeat myself an awful lot today."

"Sorry," Al said biting his lip to stop himself from grinning. He wondered just how far he could push that before he was likely to get genuinely punished for it. Although Envy's punishments usually consisted of hiding his socks and he always felt he got off lightly.

"It's alright love," Envy said as he ran his fingertips over the back of Al's neck, earning himself another shiver. "I'll just have to punish you when we get home. Would you like to know what else I'm planning to do you when we get home?"

"Yes please," Al said a little breathlessly.

"Well firstly," Envy said, "I'm going to get you out of that shirt. I don't have to tear it off but I think it will be more fun if I do."

Al opened his mouth to protest – he needed that shirt, he liked that shirt – but Envy seemed to be on a roll and it was always nice to know that he was so hot for him that he couldn't wait long enough to undo buttons.

"Then," Envy continued, "I'm going to run my hands all over your chest, rubbing my fingers over your nipples and teasing them till they're hard. I love it when I play with your nipples; they're always so sensitive."

As if to emphasise his point he ran his hand up Al's chest and began toying with one of his nipples through his shirt. A strangled gasp escaped Al's throat and he let his head lean back against the head rest as he gripped the steering wheel a little harder. He could feel his cock beginning to harden and he knew that Envy had only just begun torturing him.

"I think I might tie you up as well," Envy mused. "Nothing fancy, just your arms behind your back so you can't touch yourself, like the time I fucked you on the dining room table."

Al remembered that vividly. Envy had tied his arms behind his back, sat him on the top of the dining room table and had sucked him off slowly before fucking him so hard Al was amazed they hadn't broken anything. The table itself had been fine but it had been very awkward the next time they had people over (only made worse by Envy groping him under said table).

"I'll leave the shirt on," Envy continued, breaking Al out of his train of thought. "Open of course, so I can play with that gorgeous body of yours but I'll definitely keep your hands behind your back."

"Envy..." Al panted as Envy's hand slid down his chest to palm his growing erection through his jeans. Without realising and without being told Al spread his legs a little wider allowing Envy better access.

"Yes love?" Envy all but purred.

"Keep going," Al said as his resolve finally cracked. He didn't care about the people around them – it wasn't like anyone could see or hear them – he just wanted Envy to keep talking.

"When I've got you tied up nicely for me I think I'll blindfold you as well," Envy said. "I won't gag you though; I want to hear you scream." He gave Al's cock a squeeze through his jeans. Al groaned, his head still firmly pressed against the headrest like it was a lifeline. He didn't know if he wanted Envy to stop or keep going and in the back of his mind he kept thinking about if they suddenly had to start moving again (he was going to have trouble driving the last few miles with a raging hard on).

"Now I'm just trying to work out if there is anywhere in the house we haven't fucked yet," Envy said, "and do you know what? I don't think there is. Obviously my little cock-slut really is that insatiable."

Al shivered and thrust his hips up as much as he could into Envy's hand. Envy chuckled and gave him another squeeze. Al hissed and tightened his grip on the wheel to anchor himself, so thankful that the engine was turned off. If it was on and his foot slipped on the accelerator then they were going into the back of the car in front of them and that would be an insurance claim that would not be fun to explain away.

"I think I want to see you bent over something," Envy said as the hand that wasn't pressed against his cock began softly stroking the back of Al's neck. "So I think this time I'll bend you over the table in the kitchen, that thing's quite sturdy for when I start fucking you."

"Oh god!" Al's breathy moan seemed very loud in the otherwise quiet car. He could feel a drop of sweat trickle down the side of his neck. It was suddenly too hot and he wanted to be out of his clothes as soon as possible.

"Then, once I've got you out of these jeans, I'm going to spread you open and run my tongue all over you," Envy said.

Al felt his spine turn to liquid. They had only tried that once before because Al had been so nervous (until curiosity finally wore out) and all it had taken was for Envy to brush his fingers over his prostate as he ate him out and Al was cuming all over himself. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip to, unsuccessfully, hide the moan that tore itself from his throat. From beside him he heard Envy chuckle.

"You like that idea do you? Being eaten out as I prepare you for my big hard cock," Envy asked.

"Oh fuck yes!" Al panted as Envy pressed the denim of his jeans into his cock, creating delicious friction.

"Seeing as you asked so nicely I think I will," Envy purred. "While I finger-fuck you open I'll get you nice and wet with my tongue."

"Envy please..." If this didn't stop Al knew he was going to be cuming in his boxers within the next couple of minutes.

"Yes love? Tell me what you want."

"I want..." Al couldn't quite get the words out. He wanted to stop but he desperately wanted to continue. He wanted release so badly he couldn't think about anything else. "I want to cum, please."

"Seeing as you've been so good I can let you have a reward," Envy said. He pressed a soft kiss to Al's cheek before nimble fingers undid the button on his jeans, tugged the zip down and pulled Al's cock out.

Al hissed as Envy began to jerk his cock, not bothering with starting slowly but jumping into a fast and furious pace. Al's cock was already leaking pre-cum so there would have been no point going slowly. He tried to thrust his hips up into Envy's hand but with his seatbelt keeping him in place there wasn't much he could do but grip the steering wheel until he was sure that his hands were going to be permanently stuck in that position.

"You're so good to me," Envy whispered in his ear, tracing his tongue up the shell before sucking on the lobe. "So fucking gorgeous when I'm ploughing into you and you tighten around me. Still so fucking tight, it's amazing!"

"Envy..." Al panted. He could feel himself getting closer and closer and, as much as he needed the release (holy shit did he need it), he really didn't want to drive home in cum-stained clothes.

"Yes gorgeous?"

"I'm so close," he said. "I'm going to..."

Before he could finish his sentence Envy leaned down, as best he could in the car, and engulfed him in his mouth. He wasted no time and Al cried out as he felt his cock hit the back of Envy's throat. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer, especially when Envy pulled back to swirl his tongue around the head.

Al wanted to tangle his fingers in Envy's hair but he didn't trust himself to move. He didn't think he would be able to prize his hands off the steering wheel without totally losing it. Especially not when Envy took him deep into his throat again and gave him a particularly hard suck.

"Envy I'm cuming," Al chocked out but Envy didn't stop his relentless pace. Al sunk his teeth into his bottom lip as, with a low groan, he came, spilling into Envy's mouth. Envy pulled back as he swallowed everything Al gave him, making a show of it, before he gently took hold of Al's face with both hands. He turned Al towards him and kissed him softly but heatedly, slipping his tongue passed Al's lips. Al let out a soft moan as he tasted himself on Envy's tongue.

"Have fun?" Envy asked as he pulled away.

"Oh god, yes," Al panted as he finally managed to extract his hands from the wheel and began rubbing the feeling back into his arms.

"We should probably crack the windows open," Envy chuckled. "Car's going to smell like sex otherwise."

"True," Al replied. He just about had enough energy to press the button on his side door that let down both his and Envy's windows.

The through breeze was wonderful on his heated skin and it brought Al back to reality enough so that he was thinking clearly again. He quickly put his cock away and zipped up his jeans. They had probably just broken about five laws (if not more) but that was such an amazing orgasm he found he didn't really care.

"Just so you know," Envy said, breaking Al out of his train of thought, "I still plan on doing all those things to you as soon as we get home."

"God I hope so," Al grinned.

"You know," Envy said, giving him a wink and smirking, "I always make good on my promises."

Al's grin spread a little wider. He wanted to get home even faster. By the time they got home he would be ready to go again and the thought of Envy actually doing all those things to him made his stomach flutter in anticipation. If only they could get moving soon, it wouldn't take him long to get them home once they did.

"What's the traffic looking like?" he asked.

Envy climbed out of the window again to have a look a the huge lorry, which had now been cleared away and cars were slowly starting to make their way passed it. He slipped back into the car and fastened his seatbelt.

"Lorry's gone," he said. "Traffic seems to have started moving again so we should be golden soon."

"Fantastic," Al said as he switched on the ignition and the engine roared to life.

"You sure you're going to be okay to drive the rest of the way home?" Envy asked innocently. "Because I can take over if you want."

"I'll be fine," Al replied.

Envy just chuckled in response. Now that they were moving again they would get to air out the car of their previous activities and they would get home relatively quickly so that the real fun could begin. Really it was a win-win situation for Envy and just the thought of having Al spread out in front of him on the kitchen table, tied, blindfolded and completely at his mercy already had him half hard.

They passed the lorry without any real fuss once the traffic finally got going and picked up speed once they hit the open duel-carriageway. Envy cast a quick glance in Al's direction just to make sure that he was doing alright. As he did his eyes flicked down to the speedometer and he laughed.

"You know the speed limit here is supposed to be seventy," he pointed out as he watched the needle creeping closer and closer towards seventy-five. Al flushed scarlet and took his foot off the accelerator.

"Oh shut up."