(Author note: title is inspired by Troye Sivan's beautiful song 'Youth').

I didn't think it was possible to hate being at your own going-away party this much.

Because this is hell. The eternal pits of damnation, fiery-demons- trying-to-eat-your-soul-type-hell. The room I'm in is choked full of Courtney's friends, the popular kids- girls in short skirts wearing too much lip-gloss, boys in clumps laughing and joking around together, having a competition to see who can criticise something using the word 'gay' the most times. What's worse is that these are the people I always hang out with- though in the inside, I couldn't be more different than them, I'm just good at pretending to be. Nobody knows who I really am except one person. Noah.

Courtney is talking loudly to the group surrounding us, but her words slide over me like rain. When supernova stars explode, they release this giant explosion of heat and gas and rock particles all shooting into space- it's freaking awesome. That's what I feel like whenever I think of Noah. Which is what I'm doing right now- exploding inwardly over the image his dark curly hair, those huge dark eyes he has, with long black lashes almost like a girl. This is the dorkiest thing I've probably ever thought, but he looks like a Disney prince with that hair. He really does. I've always had a secret crush on Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid when I was younger, and…damn. I'm comparing Noah to a Disney prince? I really have lost it.

Thinking of Noah, where the hell is he?! When I arrived and before Courtney dragged me upstairs, I stalled as long as I could trying to find him in the crowds of dancing bodies. The thought that he might not come is like this huge stone in my stomach, dragging me to the floor. It's my last night. He has to come.

"Earth to Brian?" Courtney laughs. She's tugging on my arm- she's always finding ways to touch me, and I have to act like I like it, not like it makes me supremely uncomfortable. "What are you thinking about there?"

Noah. Always Noah.

"Me?" Courtney purrs, waggling her eyebrows and I have to laugh because everyone else does. I hate pretending like this. I hate it. But then I'm really not listening anymore because Noah Sweetwine has walked in the door.

It's a colossal supernova explosion this time. The whole room is ripped apart when his eyes immediately find mine across the room. His dark curls are all falling over his face, and there's something so bright and blinding in his eyes that it actually hurts to look at him.

"Noah!" Courtney and the rest of the girls cheer, waving at him. "Well done Heather, you found him." Heather, trailing behind Noah in a purple dress, turns pink when Courtney winks at her, trying to hide back her smile. Noah is oblivious but I feel my stomach drop a further few miles to the floor. Oh no.

I watch Noah as he glances at his sister Jude, who is leaning against the wall with a pack of slavering dogs- I mean, guys- hanging on her every word. The look that passes between them in several degrees below absolute zero (that's -273°C, by the way, which is exactly 0 on the Kelvin scale, which is nearly as cold as it is in space).

But then Noah has joined the group, standing right next to me. "Hey" he says softly to me, and he's smiling.

All my words have got lost in my mouth. "Dude."

I feel him continue to watch me- we're always watching each other- when Courtney claps her hands like a circus ringmaster and announces, "right, now that's everyone's here, we're going to play a little game!" She laughs, and for some reason I feel dread bloom over my whole body. "It's kinda stupid, a blast from the past, but whatever! Right, Heather, you pick first." She turns to us and says in a low voice, winking, "don't worry, its fixed. All the girls already chose their guys."

I am the opposite of not worrying. Dread is ripping me up, spreading my atom matter far and wide…

"Noah, what a surprise" Courtney smirks, reading the name from the piece of paper Heather has plucked from my green hat.

Then the game is explained- each couple is locked in the cupboard for seven minutes, to see what happens- but I can hardly listen, can hardly think. Because Noah is going to be locked in there with Heather. For seven minutes. And I saw the way she blushed around him, the way she looks at him- you could see it from the freaking moon. Beside me, Noah has gone stiff as a board. Everyone is hyper and excited, acting stupid, oblivious to the dread written all over our faces. "Let's leave" he says quietly, desperately. He's looking around, peering out the window, probably wondering if we could make a jump like he does from his bedroom window. "Brian, come on. We need to get out of here." I'm frozen to the spot. All I can do is stare at this bookshelf, numb. If we suddenly leave now, everyone will wonder. They'll suspect. And the last time people suspected… I can't even think about it.

But Noah being locked in a cupboard with Heather…how is that even an alternative? This is like a horror movie, the events unfolding with nothing you can to do stop it.

"Brian." The panic in Noah's voice is ripping me apart. He grabs my arm, but I immediately wrench it free.

The hurt in his expression zaps into me like a laser.

"Okaaay, love birds!" Courtney sing- songs, and for a moment I jolt because I think she means me and Noah, but then she's grabbing Noah and Heather, of course she is, and steering them towards the cupboard. Everyone's laughing, calling out comments. For a moment I wish I really was an exploding supernova, because no way would everyone survive the explosion in such close contact.

Courtney practically shoves them in there, shuts the door and makes a big show of setting an egg timer. Maybe it's the beer I drunk, but I really am worried I'm about to throw up. There has never been a longer seven minutes in my entire existence. Okay, that's a lie. Last year, when I was locked in the…yeah, that was a whole eternity.

Everyone is still laughing and making stupid comments, and I'm laughing along like always, like normal, but in my head all I can think about is Heather and Noah in that small dark space, pressed against each other…

Noah wouldn't kiss her. Would he? He made it pretty sure he isn't interested in girls, but what if he gets scared? What if she kisses him? I keep staring at the bookcase. I want to rip it right off the damn wall.

And then I start thinking about if it was me instead of Heather in that cupboard with Noah, the two of us pressed up close in the dark with my hands tangled in his Prince Eric hair and I have to stop because I'm getting hard and exploding all over the damn place. It's so much worse. And better. And worse.

About twenty million years later, the timer dings and everyone laughs and Courtney calls out, "okay, come out now love birds!" I wish she'd stop saying that.

The door doesn't open. In my head, the bookshelf is lying on the floor in pieces. Courtney raps on the door. Still nothing. Everyone is really cracking up now- 'oh my god, what's happening in there?' 'Jesus Christ, don't open it Courtney, I don't want to see this'.

She opens it anyway. And my heart curls up and dies.

Because Noah and Heather are literally one person they're that close. All smashed up against the wall, Noah kissing her hard and desperate and…when they finally, finally break apart they're flushed, hair mussed, and Heather can hardly walk. She's floating.

My heart is about to burst out my chest. I'm so furious my hands are two fists at my sides, and when Noah looks at me, his curls all over the place and mouth red, I glare at him with as much fury and hatred as I possibly can. How dare he? How dare he do that to me? The sun has gone out. The earth has fallen off its axis. I want to cry, want to freaking sob in my room with the music turned up loud so no one can hear, but I can't so all I can do is glare.

Guys are slapping Noah's back, congratulating him. He looks almost numb, like he's sleepwalking- he barely even registers them. All the girls are crowded round a blushing Heather, who looks like she's about to collapse from happiness, squealing and giggling in that annoying way girls do.

Noah slumps in an armchair near to where I'm stood, closing his eyes for a moment, just breathing. Immediately Heather is by his side, blushing and stumbling and touching his arm- I stare at it hard enough I could burn it right off, but Noah completely ignores her. Like she's not even there. Slowly, the smile slips off her face and then she just walks away from him, glancing back with an expression that's half-confusion and half-hurt. Yeah, I know the feeling.

"Guys, guys!" Courtney calls for order again, flapping her arms. Noah's sister Jude is currently picking a name out my hat. She unfolds it and shows it Courtney, who smirks again. "Brian, looks like you're up." I purposely don't look at Noah as I follow Jude and her waterfall of blonde hair into the cupboard. "You guys have fun!" Courtney winks. "Though not as much fun as Heather and Noah had, preferably!" Everyone laughs again. I want to punch her.

When she shuts the door, she shuts all the light out too. For a moment I'm back in that storage closet, in the dark, confined space just like a coffin, the only sound my shallow, rapid breathing and my yells for help-

"Um, are you okay?" Jude asks. She's way, way closer than I expected. A disembodied voice in the dark. She sounds a little embarrassed, just like I am- like she doesn't really want to be here.

But wait. Courtney said it was fixed, which means Jude chose to be in this cupboard with me. I remember the below-freezing look she and Noah shared earlier- is this to get back at him somehow? That means she knows Noah would be jealous. At that thought, something sparks inside of me, but it's quickly extinguished when I think of Noah and Heather in here just moments before, kissing like their lives depended on it.

To distract myself, both from my claustrophobia and all thoughts of Noah, I start jabbering like a crazy person. Throw myself completely into weird space facts, my Einstein mode, as Noah calls it- I don't even know what's spewing from my mouth, but Jude makes polite impressed noises in all the right places although I can tell she has no idea what I'm talking about.

Somehow, the seven minutes go by pretty fast. I know a lot of space facts.

By the time Courtney pulls open the door, I practically jump into the open space, breathing in the clean air and light, glorious light.

I'm leaving. Right now. With Noah. Damn everyone else, I literally can't survive another moment in this hell-hole. But as I desperately scan the room for him, he's gone.

He's already left me. At least Heather is still here, sitting in the chair he was sat in earlier, looking completely despondent.

The whole sky is crashing down about my head.

Noah kissed Heather. And then he left without me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I've never climbed a tree before.

It's quite sad, if you think about it, but I come from the city and so I'm used to climbing fences, roofs, bridges. But a tree can't be that different, can it? After all, Noah scampers up and down here almost every day.

Although now it's completely dark- I have no idea what time it is, it felt like I was at Courtney's for at least another eternity, trying to smile and letting all their falseness wash over me- and all I can hear is the waves lapping at the cliffs below, as rhythmic as breathing.

I have to do this. I'm leaving tomorrow. For a moment, the whole summer flashes before my eyes- finding Noah curled against the wall creating magic with just a stick of charcoal and a pad of paper, the way he looked at me when we sat by the river, the two of leaning against each other on my roof, the way his breath sucked in when I grabbed his hand impulsively at the movie. Just Noah Noah Noah.

I've had so many chances to kiss him, but either one of us has always chickened out at the last moment. Usually it's me. Tonight I've run out of chances though- I won't see him until Christmas. Months and months away.

So I grab the first branch, and haul myself up. It's hard work- wow, Noah must be strong- but soon I'm at the top, sweating a bit and staring at his window. The curtains are closed, and it's dark. He must be asleep. What if he doesn't wake up? Peek out your window, I try and tell him telepathically, but of course he doesn't. Flickering light from a television spills out onto the grass from the windows below. What if someone from his family sees me? The thought almost closes my throat up in fear.

All at once, before I lose my nerve, I lean forward and rap sharply on the glass with my knuckles. It barely takes a moment before the curtains are yanked aside and I see Noah's silhouette in the dark, staring at me. Definitely wasn't asleep. After another long moment, he slowly slides up the window. We stare at each other. Like we've been staring at each other all summer, but this time there's no one to see us so we can do it for as long as we want.

"Stare much?" I say finally.

Noah doesn't smile. He just crosses his arms, dropping his eyes. Looking at him is painful. All I can think about is him in that cupboard with Heather, how I wish it was me...

"Can I come in? I'm kinda terrified I'm about to fall out this tree."

"I don't know if I want you to" he says stiffly.

I bark a surprised laugh, then mentally tell myself to shut up. Parents downstairs, idiot. "You're annoyed with me? You…you made out with Heather. You were all over each other." The words burn my mouth. I want to hate him, but it's impossible.

Noah opens and closes his mouth. "If you'd just agreed to leave when I said we should…"

For a long moment, neither of us says anything but then he opens the window wider which I take as an invitation to climb in. I'm awkward clambering through the window, and then I manage to trip over the sill and slam right into Noah, knocking him onto his bed. It sounds like I did it on purpose, but I swear I didn't.

I can feel his whole body flush against mine as I lie there for a moment on top of him, both of us breathing shallowly. Forget an exploding supernova. The whole galaxy has exploded inside my head. Then I roll off him, sharpish, and we can both breathe again.

Noah leans against his wall, arms looped round his knees. He's wearing boxers and a t-shirt, and he looks unbearably cute.

"If we'd have left then" I say quietly, "people would have known something was up. Between us."

"So? I don't care."

I take in a deep breath, and then I tell him something I've never told anyone else before. "Look, last year some boys in my baseball team found out I…went on this website. My parents thought I was at the away game and someone told the coaches I was sick, so no one even looked for me. No one knew I was trapped in there. A whole day and a whole night, Noah. So I care, okay?" I'm staring at my hands, and for some reason my voice has gone all quivery. "I care a whole lot."

Noah's breathing has quickened. "Brian" is all he says, quietly. Something inside of me feels like it's about to collapse.

I hear rather than see Noah lick his lips. It's too dark. A briny breeze is blowing in through the open window, ruffling his curtains. "The only reason I kissed Heather like that is because…"

"Because?" I prompt.

"…I imagined she was you."

All the oxygen suddenly leaves the room. "I don't want to leave" I mumble.

"I don't want you to leave either" Noah whispers.

I have to stand up quickly and walk around a bit, just so that I can breathe properly. Noah remains on the bed and watches me. As I walk past his desk, a shadowy image catches my eye. Raising my eyebrows at Noah, who nods, I switch on his desk lamp which spills light all over the piles of sketchbooks covering his desk.

The first one is open on a drawing of me. I'm bent over my telescope on my roof, and the whole galaxy is hanging over my head like fruit about to be picked from a tree, stars and planets and comets. I turn the page and see me again. This time I'm standing on a tall rock I recognise from that day with Fry in the forest, standing tall like I'm some kind of superhero and with meteorites littered around my feet, glittering and huge. Slowly, I walk back to the bed with the sketchbook in my hands and sit down cross-legged with it in my lap.

What I'm holding my hands feels unbelievably precious, like a piece of a fallen star. This book is a glimpse inside Noah's head, the beautiful and blinding and magical images he creates with his mind. For a moment, I almost wish I could live inside Noah's head- it seems like the most beautiful place in the universe. I keep turning the pages slowly, pouring over every drawing.

And. I'm. On. Every. Single. Page.

Me as big as a planet, reaching for a star, me sat by the river with trees in my eyes, me…oh god, me shirtless. I feel heat rushing into my face, and when I look at Noah he's very pink too.

I laugh, a bit shakily. "I think you've been too kind. I'm not that toned, Noah."

Instead of replying, he reaches out and rests his hand on my chest. All my words dry up in my throat. The sketchbook slides off my lap onto the bed. His hand slides slowly up over my chest to my cheek, then to the back of my neck where he pulls me gently towards him. My breathing is quick and shallow, all I can think about is Noah thinking about me in that cupboard, not Heather- the two of us in that tiny space, backed up against the wall…

Noah's lips meet mine, gentle and soft. Fire and debris and freaking explosions. I've kissed one girl before, but it was barely more than a peck- to be honest I have no idea what I'm doing. Noah does, quite obviously. I saw the way he kissed Heather. I feel the way he's kissing me now, mouth opening, his tongue flickering against mine and sending whole lightning bolts shooting down my body.

Both our mouths are open, hearts racing, my hand tangling in his dark curls because I can do that now, I can do every single thing I've been dreaming about for months…

We're a tangle of mouths and hands, falling down against his pillow. Noah's hand is under my shirt, everywhere. "You are toned" he says accusingly against my skin and then we're laughing, trying to be quiet, muffling my laughter into his hair. I kiss his eyelids and his nose and his forehead and his lips, feather-light and perfect. He kisses my neck and my collarbone, biting down softly on my lip, making me moan and arch my hips towards him. He knows exactly what to do. Exactly how to make me say his name again and again.

Then, when we're both breathless and basically losing our minds, we break apart and just lie there on his bed in each other's arms, listening to the beat of each other's hearts. "I'm going to stay here forever" I whisper. "Right here. They'll have to drag me back to boarding school."

"Good" whispers Noah, and his words are so close to my skin it makes me shiver. He's so beautiful. I can't stand it. "They'll have to drag you right out of my hands."

"Why didn't we do this earlier? We could have been doing this the whole summer."

Noah starts to kiss my neck again. "At least we have tonight, right?"

I shiver again, marvelling in the knowledge that I have the whole night to lie here in Noah's bed, in his arms.

Tomorrow I'll be leaving. But right now I'm exactly where I want to be.