A/N I'm still reeling over Glenn's death and I'm glad I wrote this chapter before the season premiered because I would be sobbing even more than I already am. That being said, I did write this before the season premiered and already planned for this story to be canon divergent, so please keep that in mind (and don't kill me).
Maggie - The Challenges You're Facing
The first thing she remembered when she came to was the pain. The pain in her abdomen, her head, and then her chest. Each one following right after the other. She had been in pain for so long that when it finally ended, the relief was almost foreign to her. Then she remembered the darkness, the darkness of night as they carried her through the woods and the darkness that her mind fled to when she could no longer bear the sight of her husband's bloody and bludgeoned head.
When she awoke again, it was only for a small time. She remembered the warmth of the blankets under her, and the coldness of Dr. Carson's hands as he examined her. He told her she had an infection, and that she was lucky to arrive when she did. The antibiotics he gave her made her drowsy again, and she fled back into a dreamless sleep.
The last time she came to, she was alone in the same room as before, with the warm covers now pulled over her. With the light of the sun now streaming in through the cream colored curtains and at least a day's worth of sleep behind her, she found that she could not drift off into the darkness again. With no place to hide, she was stuck with her thoughts.
Glenn was gone.
She was alone now. Every member of her family had been taken from her. She had seen the light leave her mother and brother's eyes as they turned the sickly grey color of walkers, she had seen her father smile as his head was severed by a madman with a sword, and she had held her sister's cold lifeless body as she lay peacefully with a bullet in her head.
And now, just as she let her guard down again, she was forced to watch her husband call her name as his head was beaten in with a baseball bat.
Maggie had always thought herself to be a strong woman. After the world had gone to hell, she had soon realized that her temper worked well in this new world. She always found the energy to fight when she had something to fight for, protect, or avenge. Hate, love, sadness, anger, and even happiness, all of these emotions pulled together inside of her and gave her the strength to face each day with her head held high.
But as she laid back upon the bed, staring at the ceiling, she couldn't bring herself to feel anything. Her heart felt like a stone in her chest, a dead weight that laid on top of her making it harder and harder to breathe. She remembers this emptiness well. The last time she had felt it, it was after she had cried her eyes out over Beth's grave.
It was then that the noises of Hilltop began to make their way into her room and crawl inside her head. She could hear everything from the mumbling of voices that seemed just outside her door to the distant noises of everyday work being done. It was too much for her. She closed her eyes again, knowing that while she could not fall back asleep, she could at least tune out the rest of the world for now.
"Here's the current count, finished it this morning," Jesus said as he entered the room and passed the sheet of paper to Maggie for her approval. "Ezekiel, Rick, and Michonne are on their way as well. They should be here later this afternoon."
"Thanks," she said as she accepted the paper, looking it over in detail. "Hmmm. I don't like these numbers, but at least the plan is solid."
"I wish we could have more, but too many are scared of opposing Negan."
"Maybe we could try boosting morale. More would fight if they thought we could win," Maggie replied, her hand on her chin thoughtfully.
Jesus sighed, slightly shaking his head in disappointment. "I hate to say it, but it's Gregory's fault. His fear of Negan has made us almost complacent with the way things were running. Now look at us."
Maggie placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Can't focus on what's done. We just gotta make sure that we can contribute to this fight. The others will follow our lead if they see that it's worth it, we just have to show them it is."
Jesus nodded his head, looking at her with admiration as he soaked in her words and said, "like I've said, you'd make a good leader."
"And like I've said, so would you. You have a great tactical mind," Maggie replied.
"I wouldn't, or maybe I couldn't. I'm good with people, but I don't think I'd do well with that weight on my shoulders. I don't think I could command. You would make a better one." She couldn't think of a proper response, knowing what he was alluding to. This wasn't the first time Jesus had complemented her on her leadership skills, and she was beginning to realize the motive behind his words.
Feeling the conversation grow awkward, Jesus smiled and said, "Look at us. We're talking as if Gregory is gone."
"Any sign of him?"
"Nothing from the second scout party. I'm starting to wonder…" Jesus trailed off thoughtfully, his hand coming to rest on his chin.
Maggie shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "He didn't take anything with him. At this point, he's either with someone else or dead."
"It's probably the latter, but I'm hoping for the former."
"I'm just nervous. If he's with someone else, then who and can we trust them?" It was no secret that Gregory disapproved of taking on Negan and Maggie was certain that if the man was still here, he wouldn't have allowed Hilltop to get so involved in this war. If Gregory did leave to find aid, who knows what wrench that would throw into their plans.
The day continued as they went through their weekly routine of summarizing and accounting for their people and resources. While they normally wouldn't do this as often under normal circumstances, the Hilltop had the smallest militia size due to those who were indifferent to the cause or loyal to Gregory and fearful of Negan, and Maggie was wary that plans could be leaked or supplies stolen by those who disapproved with the Hilltop's involvement or sought to gain favor from Negan. Jesus had agreed with her wariness, seeing how Negan's fear led Ethan to turn on Gregory months ago.
It was towards the end of the count that Maggie's current thoughts were thrown off course by the fluttering sensation of movement inside her. She then felt what could only be a tiny foot pushing directly at the center of her rounded belly. She tried to deny it, thinking that it was gas or just a trick of her mind, but then it happened again and there was no mistaking it. And then again, harder the third time, and her eyes widened as she fully realized what it was.
Excusing herself, she walked out of the main hall and back to the small trailer that Gregory had given her off to the side of the main residential area. She walked quickly, hoping that the look on her face would deter anyone from stopping her before she could reach the privacy of her home. Closing the door behind her, she made it to the foot of her tiny bed frame across the floor before sinking down with her back against it. She kept one hand on her middle the entire time, moving it around until she felt the movement once more, and covered her mouth with the other as tears began to surface.
She couldn't help but choke out a sob. As much as she loved the baby inside her, as much as she dreamed of this moment, nothing about this felt right. And it wasn't right because she should not be alone. He should be here, he should be here, standing by her side, smiling and laughing in amazement as they felt the first signs of life from their child.
But he wasn't here. He was gone, they were gone, and it wasn't right and it would never be right and as stupid as it seemed given the new world they live in, she never planned for that. After all this time, she still couldn't bring herself to even consider planning for it. She knew that it couldn't continue like this, but she was stubborn and perfectly fine with pushing away the reality of it all for as long as she possibly could.
So she would put on a brave face when out there and do what needs to be done of her, for everyone's sake as much as her own. Then, in the comfort and privacy of her room, at the end of the day, she would let herself be selfish and cry and pretend that her family was there with her, that he was there with her, until she felt tired enough to drift off to sleep.
She couldn't sleep yet though. She had work to do and people to care for, no matter how bad she wanted to escape inside her head.
"It's me," Enid said through the door, her voice quiet. Within the next moment she opened the door and stepped into the room, walking over to Maggie as soon as she laid eyes on her.
"Jesus sent me," Enid muttered in a small voice while awkwardly standing in front of her.
"Of course," Maggie sighed, shaking her head and looking down at her stomach. This wasn't the first time she had left in the middle of something to have a moment alone, and every time Jesus knew exactly who to send after her. At this point, it wouldn't be false to say that the young girl was basically her daughter and she wanted to consider her as such. Through everything, having Enid with her helped her see through any moment of weakness.
"Are you okay?"
"I will be," Maggie said, sniffing back her tears.
"He's kicking."
"He?" Enid asked as she knelt down and crawled over to sit beside Maggie, close enough that their shoulders touched.
Maggie gave her a watery smile and shrugged, her hand still resting on the place where her child kicked within. "I just got a feeling."
Enid gave her a weird look, something between tentative happiness and grief, and then shook her head in understanding. "Yea, I can see that."
"Wanna feel?" Maggie almost let out a small laugh when she saw how wide Enid's eyes got before the young girl quickly shook her head, hesitantly placing her hand over Maggie's stomach and letting the older woman guide it to where she felt movement. Enid's heart stopped for a moment and she smiled as she felt the baby press what felt like it's tiny foot against her hand. She looked up at Maggie, her eyes slightly glossy with tears.
"He-" Enid paused, uncertain whether or not what she had to say would make her feel worse, "he's strong."
Maggie smiled at her and nodded, "He is."
Aaron was the first to visit her. Then Michonne and Carl. Then Sasha and Rosita. Then finally, Rick.
He entered her room quietly. His face towards the floor as he approached her. He barely lifted his eyes towards her as he sat in the chair beside her. When he finally gained the courage to lay his eyes on her, she could see the overwhelming shame in his eyes, still visible even as he gave her a small sad smile.
"Hey." His voice was rough and weak, as if it hadn't been used in years. His face was still bandaged and he still held his side from where Negan had beat him, looking as if he hadn't bathed, slept or even moved from that wretched night.
The silence she responded with wasn't intentional, she honestly didn't have any response for him. What did he expect her to say? Nothing either of them said or did could turn back time and give her back what she lost, what they both lost.
"I'm glad that you're okay," Rick said, offering up a weak smile in her direction. Maggie didn't blame him for what happened, but still just the sight of him filled her with anger. Over and over the words he had said to her, that everything would be okay, that they could do anything as long as they were together, played in her head, tightening the knot in her chest now that she knew just how wrong he was.
"The doctor said that you'll be able to get up soon, so if you want we can-"
"Leave," she harshly rasped, still refusing to look at him. She wished to never hear his voice again, much less the weak words of comfort that he tried to give.
She could hear the surprise in his voice, the small sudden breath that he let out as if he had been punched in the gut. "Maggie-"
"Please, I don't...not now."
She turned away from him, her eyes shut tightly, holding back angry tears. She couldn't help but feel angry, she couldn't help but feel betrayed. Every emotion, every drop of anger, sadness, and pain that she had let swirl around her for the past two days she directed and cast at him, at the person who had given her so much hope for a future that could never happen now.
She didn't care about the broken look on his face as he slowly left the room. She didn't care that she knew she had hurt him. All she cared about were all the broken promises he gave her in the back of that RV and how she was stupid enough to believe them.
Maggie watched as Jesus greeted Rick and Michonne at the door and walked out of the meeting room to join him. Before reaching them, she couldn't help but take note of how close the couple walked next to each other, with Rick slightly in front of Michonne as if to protect her. She couldn't also help but notice the slight drag in Michonne's walk and in general how tired the woman seemed. Even with the stress of living under a madman like Negan, it surprised her to see someone who is usually so put together seem scattered like that. She didn't let her surprise show though as she met them halfway into the main hallway with a smile and her arms wide.
"Hey, how're you doing?" Michonne said with a full smile as she greeted her friend with a hug.
Maggie returned the hug with enthusiasm, pulling back but still keeping a hand on her shoulder. "Things are coming together here. We should be ready soon."
Michonne nodded her head and followed Maggie as she motioned for them to step deeper into the main hall, placing a gentle hand on her back. "How are you though?"
Maggie took in a deep breath. "As good as I can be. What about you? You seem tired."
Michonne lightly nodded, refusing to meet her eyes as she spoke. "I'm fine. A lot has just been happening, and it's left me drained."
"We're still waiting for Ezekiel, so you can rest upstairs if you want. I can get you some towels too if you want to freshen up afterwards."
"That sounds great actually, thanks."
"No problem, relax and I'll let you know when we're ready," Maggie said and directed Michonne to the upstairs bedroom that was farthest from the others.
As she went back down to grab two towels for her friends, she passed Rick and also directed him to where Michonne was resting. That should have been a hint to what she would find upon returning to the bedroom, but it did not occur to her until she made her way back up the stairs and stood outside the bedroom door looking in between the small crack of it that was still left open.
Inside she could see Michonne wrapped in Rick's arms as they stood in the middle of the room. While she could see that Michonne was trying to pull away from Rick's grasp, the light laughter that she let out every time he pulled her closer to him and nuzzled her neck showed that she didn't really want to leave his embrace. She shouldn't have been there. It clearly wasn't meant for her, or anyone else, to see. She knew her friends were private people, only showing the intimate bond between them during the most peaceful of times. Still she couldn't help but continue watching, her curiosity getting the better of her.
Michonne continued to giggle as she said, "Rick, we're here for a reason."
"We'll get to that. Right now I just want a moment with you."
"You have plenty of moments with me."
"It never feels like enough."
She had never seen such peace on their faces until they had found each other, and still wonders why in the world it took them so long to realize it themselves. Seeing them together, lost in their own little momentary bubble of peace, caused a pang of longing in her chest. And yet she was still happy for her friends. They deserved to be happy just as much as anyone.
"Feeling better?"
"For the moment."
"You don't have to come next time."
"Rick," She pulled out of his embrace and turned to face him fully with both hands on his shoulders, her voice no longer playful, "I'm fine, I promise."
Rick looked at her for a moment, staring directly into her eyes before nodding his head. There was something more there, a message that they had sent to each other through more than just expressions, on a level that even Maggie couldn't decipher. Rick then leaned towards her, reaching for her hand and holding it as he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead.
The tension gone, Michonne sighed, shaking her head and replied with a small smile, "You know a few days ago you weren't acting like this."
"A few days ago I didn't know you were pregnant," he said just as playfully.
Oh.
Ohhh.
Maggie placed a hand over her mouth in shock. Michonne was pregnant. Such a short statement felt so loaded and weird to even think of that she had to repeat it to herself. How-well she knew how, but still how? If anything, that would be the last thing she would expect to hear from Rick's mouth, especially with what happened to Lori.
"That shouldn't change anything."
"It changes everything."
"Rick-"
"I'm serious. I wish you would take it easy." Rick's gaze turned serious as he reached for her other hand, rubbing the backs of them with his thumbs.
Michonne look down, shaking her head, and said, "it's not that simple."
"Then we can make it simple," he said and cupped her chin, lifting her head up to meet his gaze. "I don't want anything to happen to you or the baby."
"Just make it simple. That easy huh?"
"That easy," he replied with a nod. Maggie could tell from the look in their eyes that both of them knew their words were false. But the way Rick stood as he talked, his voice hardened with determination, had even Maggie feeling almost pulled in by his words.
He removed his hand from her chin, knowing that she wouldn't look away from him again. "I meant what I said. We'll figure it out together."
Maggie could see the tension leave Michonne's body as she smiled up at Rick. "You stubborn man."
"Still love me though."
There was nothing but pure and deep adoration in Michonne's eyes as she said "I do," before leaning and pressing her lips against his. As Michonne moved towards the bed to sleep with Rick following right behind her, Maggie lightly stepped away from the cracked door, walking back towards the main sitting room with towels still in hand while pondering over what she had just witnessed.
It was only when Enid arrived with the rest of her things that it had solidified in her head: she was not going back.
Even if she didn't need to stay close to Dr. Carson, she wouldn't go back. Just being there would be too much for her to bear.
She didn't want to think of herself as a coward, but she couldn't deny that she was hiding. She was hiding from Rick, the way she treated him, and from the broken pieces that now made up their extended family. Most of all she was hiding from the reality that every piece of her heart, each one once held by her mother, father, sister, brother, and husband, were all lost to her.
But she wanted to fight. She didn't want them to win, not like this. Throughout her days of dealing with Gregory and the new life she had been trying to make for herself here, the anger in her heart had turned and cast at the correct target. Despite her initial anger, she still believed in Rick, and knew that this was not what they worked for nor what they deserved.
Maggie stood by the far wall and watched as Enid set up and put away their small amount of possessions. As she looked over the small trailer and thought of their new home and their new life, a startling new energy filled her. It ran through her veins, putting thoughts and feelings in her head that she never thought would resurface again. Right now she could be little help to anyone, but she knew that her friends, her family, would not let Negan get away with what he did to them. She needed to let them know that she hadn't given up either.
Maybe there were some small pieces of her heart left, at least enough for the rest of their family. For Enid, for her baby, and most of all, for herself.
Maggie approached the bathroom door, stopping at its entrance as she looked inside at Michonne who was too occupied bending sick over the toilet to notice her presence. She watched as the Michonne finished heaving once more, spitting the remainder of bile out before flushing and moving to the sink for a drink of water. As she swallowed the water, her head still bent down as she took in deep breaths to pull herself together, Maggie took the opportunity to make her presence known.
"Here. This was my best friend during my first trimester. Helped stop the nausea real well," Maggie said with an empathetic smile as she held out a half-empty box of ginger tea to her. "You can reuse the bags a couple of times before the scent runs out too."
Michonne looked up in surprise before reaching out and taking the box, looking down at it before her gaze questioningly turned back to Maggie. "How'd you know?"
Maggie shrugged and replied, "you and Rick were talking earlier. Sorry for being nosy but y'all didn't even notice me."
"Thanks," Michonne said, her lips turning up in a smile that quickly died as she bent over the sink again in nausea. "This kid is trying to kill me."
Maggie took three quick steps over to her and laid her hand across her back, rubbing comfortingly. "Sucks, don't it? Morning sickness, don't even know why they call it that. It's never just in the morning."
Michonne let out a quick laugh. "It was the worst before and it's still the worst now," she said lightly. "I remember when-" she stopped herself, the lighthearted ease on her face replaced with hardened stone, leaving Maggie confused and curious about what she meant by before.
"Never mind." Despite her curiosity, the darkened expression on Michonne's face told her not to push the subject. Whatever memory she had just been cherishing, it was clearly a painful one as well.
It wasn't until Michonne had felt steady enough to move back from the sink that Maggie had moved her hand from her back to her shoulder and asked, "so how're you feeling about this? I know it had to have been the last thing on your mind."
"Terrified, excited, depressed, happy, annoyed, anxious, just everything," Michonne said as she lightly shook her head. "I feel like I've gone through every emotion known to man within the last week."
Maggie nodded. "I can understand that, I felt similar when I found out."
"I have to admit I admire you for it. Being able to do it in times like these."
"I wasn't the first." Regardless of her circumstances, it's the truth. She wasn't the first, and she wouldn't be the last, she just prayed that she wouldn't be another Lori or Michelle.
"But you were the first to actually want it. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to chase after what you want nowadays, regardless of the risk."
"And look how that turned out," Maggie thought bitterly with an urge to actually say it. The words were on the tip of her tongue, but before she could say anymore, Rick entered into the bathroom, taking in the scene before him. His eyes wandered to Maggie but he dared not to linger on her for too long, his stance turning tense as he quickly turned his attention towards Michonne.
"Sick again?"
The corner of her mouth turned up as she nodded and said, "I'll be okay."
Rick gave her a look of clear doubt, and she responded with one of her own. Again Maggie saw how they spoke without actually speaking, and felt awkward to be in the middle of such an intimate moment between the two of them. However the moment did not last long as Rick reluctantly nodded, a sign that he had yielded to Michonne in their mental argument, and turned back to her.
"I was just out with Jesus, taking a look at the recruits," he said, gesturing towards the door where no doubt Jesus stood waiting for them. "They look good."
Maggie placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head. "Wish we could have more but it's been hard to turn people."
"You've done good work here Maggie, really."
She could still see the hurt there, the hesitant tone in his voice that he tried to hide. They had both been hurt, but despite the distance, she saw that he was trying. She wanted more though. She wanted to do more, to say more, and knew that there could be more, but too much has been said and left unsaid to return to how things were. For now, she would accept the tiny peace offering he gave her, and hoped that someday they could return to the comforting ease of friendship that she craved.
"Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it."
"I won't tell anyone, about-" she looked between them and awkwardly gestured towards Michonne's stomach, "you know."
For the first time since Negan had entered their lives, the smile Rick gave her looked truly genuine as he said, "thank you."
"Don't mention it." Maggie placed a hand over her growing abdomen and said, "at least this one will have someone their own age. Judith's getting a bit too big to fill that role."
"Rick thinks she might get jealous."
"Well, can't be the baby forever," Maggie replied with a smile.
"She will be to me." Rick said, the seriousness in his face causing both women to shake their heads and laugh. In that small moment things felt easier and her heart felt lighter, as if the world had gained its color back.
It almost felt like home again.