I've been really bad with updating this, I'm sorry. This isn't a request, this is actually a scene I had saved for Recovery, but decided to cut at the last second. It's set after Riker tries to kill himself, before they learn that he's in a coma and after Austin and Dez's talk. Trigger warnings for depression, suicide, and self-harm. Enjoy.

What I'm not prepared for is to see Austin start running across the grass, not going very fast, but running all the same. He's nowhere near a sprint, but he's definitely far from walking. Cold fear washes over me. He's still recovering from a knee injury, and he hasn't gotten the okay to run on that foot. Walking's been pretty painful for him recently. He could do some serious damage to his knee…

"Austin, fuck," Ratliff mutters. I tear myself out of my thoughts, and my eyes widen. He fell. Of course he did; his knee isn't nearly strong enough to support him. It probably buckled under him and that has got to be painful.

"Go to him!" I order. "I'll catch up."

I knew I shouldn't have tried that.

But I honestly didn't care about my knee. I wanted to try and run, maybe then I could start going running on a daily basis, but that's obviously not going to happen. It sucks. I'm not the most athletic person around, but I love running and I love playing basketball, both of which are difficult after having knee surgery. I know it was the best decision, in the long run, but I hate the recovery time. I hate feeling restricted.

"Aus!" Ratliff reaches me first, Dez close behind. "Are you okay?"

"My knee," I mutter. "Help me up? I think I just aggravated it a bit. I'm alright."

Ratliff looks hesitant, as he grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet. I stand with all my weight on my good leg first, and then slowly lower my injured leg to the ground.

And that's a mistake.

White-hot pain sears up my leg, not nearly as bad as when I fell, but enough to send me sprawling to the ground with my eyes squeezed shut. It hurts, a lot. Not as much as before, but god, it fucking kills. The pain is almost dizzying.

"Shit, love," Ratliff mutters, dropping down beside me. He lifts my chin and forces me to look at him, eyes wide with concern and laced with pain. "I think you did something to it…"

"God, is he okay?" Dez asks worriedly.

"I don't know," Ratliff replies, turning his attention back to me. "I think we should have you checked out- make sure you didn't do any more damage…god, what were you thinking, Aus?"

"I wanted to run away. I wanted it to hurt. I'm so used to pain being used as relief…it was a default. And with everything with Riker…I just… I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do." I reply.

"Aus…" Ratliff sighs. "We'll talk about that later. We need to get you inside."

"Help me up," I grunt, gritting my teeth and trying to breathe. It hurts a lot and I can feel my knee starting to swell up. It's probably just irritated, I need to get it up and iced, but I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon. There's no way I'm going home when Riker's in the hospital and I don't even know what his status is.

"Don't bother." Rocky stops in front of us and lifts me into his arms. "There's no way in hell you're walking on it now."

"I'm fine," I mutter in exasperation. "You don't need to baby me."

"No, I don't need to," Rocky replies. "But you're my little brother and I do need to take care of you, so that's what I'm doing."

"Nothing's broken or torn or out of place. You probably just exacerbated it a bit. Keep it elevated and iced, on for fifteen, off for twenty."

I cross my arms over my chest and roll my eyes as the doctor rolls down the leg of my sweatpants. "Could've told you that myself."

Rocky shoots me a look. "We just wanted to make sure he was okay. Thank you for doing this."

"No problem, Rocky," the doctor replies. "I'll get you guys an update on Riker's condition as soon as I can, alright? For now, if you guys want to hang out here and let Austin ice his knee, that's okay with me."

"That'd be amazing," Rydel says. "Could you have a nurse bring us some ice?"

"I'll have someone bring some down," the doctor replies. "And guys? Try not to worry yourselves too much over your brother. He'll be fine." She shoots us a reassuring smile, before turning and walking out the door.

"She can say that," I mutter, glancing down at my knee. "She can say that because she's not the one in a hospital wondering if her brother is going to live or die."

"Aus…"

"I don't wanna do this anymore." There's a lump in my throat and my vision is starting to blur. "I'm so tired."

"Baby," Rocky sighs, stepping over and pulling me into a hug. "I know. It's a lot. And it sucks. But we're gonna get through this. Riker's gonna be okay and we're gonna get through this. It's going to be alright, I promise."

"I don't understand this," Dez says. "I don't understand how Riker could slit his wrist the way he did. Didn't it hurt? Or how Austin ran, knowing it'd hurt his knee and cause him a ton more pain? I don't fucking get it."

"That's self-harm," Rydel says softly. "And you don't get it until you're doing it. I don't get it. It bothers me, more than bothers me, that my brothers all do it. It sucks. But that's their release. Physical pain overwhelms mental pain and it just makes things easier. At least…that's what I've picked up over the years, listening to them talk about it."

"Exactly," Ratliff replies. "I get why Austin did what he did. I don't like it. But I get it."

"I just want to feel pain," I tell them. "I just…I just need it. And it's stupid and addicting but I don't know how to handle things any other way. This is my default in crisis. It's what I go to when things go wrong. And it's how I'll kill myself if Riker dies."

Thoughts? As I've said before, please leave me more requests! I'll try to expand a few more deleted scenes I have stored, but I'm relying on requests for this story. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.