Chapter 12: Suicide Note

Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore

Dear Don

I have some things I need to tell you about. Things that will hurt you. I didn't know how to tell you face to face. I was afraid of how you would react. Here goes…

When I told my mom I was pregnant she was furious. She was disgusted and she told me to get rid of our baby. I was devastated. Three weeks later she called me and asked me to come round. She sat me down and told me that she was sorry for what she had said that night. Then she said she accepted me. Accepted where I live, how I live, where I work and who I love. I forgave her. She said I would be a great mommy and that you'd be a great dad. She gave me these pills to help me with my morning sickness and breasts aching. She said they were vitamins. Then she said she'd organised us a flight to Greece. I texted you and told you and left you a voicemail. I guess they didn't reach you. That night I took one of the pills then following day I took two more. They didn't help so two days later I took two more. Then the following day I realised I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt him move. Mom took me to a local clinic and the doctor confirmed to me that our little boy was gone.

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

I locked myself away and cried. After a while I realised everything had been fine before I'd take those pills. So I looked them up. Those vitamins don't exist. So I looked up abortion pills and I saw them. I knew my mom had given them to me deliberately. She gave me an abortion without me even realising how cruel is that? I couldn't understand how my own mother could kill my child. And she did it so far into my pregnancy that I would have no choice but to give birth to a dead baby. I wouldn't even get to hear him cry. How could a mother do that?

"Oh Adrianna" he mumbled as tears welled in his eyes "How could she do that to you?"

I cried and cried. I didn't know what to do. I was consumed by grief. All I could think about was the things my mom had taken from me. Our sons first smile, first word, first steps. Taken away seeing him start school, graduating and having his own family. She took all that away. I was so angry that I had a go at her. Demanded to know why she'd done it and at first she tried to play dumb. She pretended not to know what I was on about. Then she stopped playing dumb and tried to justify her actions. She said she did it because you'd run away. She said she did what she thought was best for me. I said it was because she doesn't like you. I said she didn't do this to Mia and she didn't disown Alex. She said it was because Mia is in a respectable job and Alex is lawyer. I screamed at her to shut up and cried no. I told her she didn't do it because she likes Mia and Alex did what she wanted him to. I said you did this because you hate me and can't accept who I am and that I love a cop. I called her a selfish bitch. She slapped me.

Ever since I found out I haven't been able to handle it. I wanted to tell you but I was scared of how you'd react. I couldn't even bring myself to even begin to tell you what she'd done. I knew how much it would hurt you. I couldn't bear it. How was I supposed to tell you that our baby was murdered by my mother?

I have always struggled to cope with my mother and her ideals. She has always tried to control my life. She has always made me do things I don't want to do. She forced me to take part in those pageants, put me on a diet when I was five and sent me to private school where I was taunted by the other kids for being different. She spent years trying to change me, trying to make me like her. I spent years cutting myself to shreds and starving myself to the point it almost killed me. She never realised it was a cry for help. And she never realised she was causing it. She never listened to me telling her what my father was doing to me. She never believed me. She told me I was lying. She said I made it up to spite her. I could never understand why she didn't believe me. I still don't understand. She has never told me that she even remotely believes me. In her eyes I am a spiteful little liar who sets out to rub everyone up the wrong way. I am a disgrace to her and I know that I always will be.

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

The way she has always tried to control me, has always pushed me to the edge. The fact that she thinks I lied about my dad raping me says it all. She has driven me to distraction over the years and I can't handle it anymore. I can't take anymore Don. I can never forgive her. She allowed my dad to physically and sexually abuse me for years. She knew I wasn't lying. She had to know. I used to come home covered in bruises or with clumps of hair missing. So did my brother. I used to tell her that he was hurting me even before he started to sexually abuse me. I remember when I was seven my dad threw me down the stairs and I broke my left leg. Alex had carry me to the hospital and they called my mom. I told her what my dad had done so she called him and he came straight to the hospital. He told her Alex had taken me to the park and had no idea that I'd hurt myself. He claimed that I must've fallen out of a tree. She believed him and not me. Isn't a mother supposed to believe her child? Isn't she supposed to protect her child?

Aren't fathers supposed to do that? My father never protected me. He spent most of my childhood abusing me every chance he got. I remember all the times he slapped me, all the times he punched me in the stomach so hard I could barely breathe. All those times he shoved me to the ground and kicked me up my backside, sometimes so hard I could barely sit down for days. Or the times he got so mad he'd take his belt and slam it into my skin. Or all the times he dragged me round by hair while I screamed at him that I was in pain. He used to laugh. I remember all those times when he walked in on me while I was in the shower or getting dressed. I remember him touching me all those times. And I remember every single time he ever raped me.

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

I remember after the first time he ever raped me he told me that if I ever told anyone he would make sure no man ever wanted me. And I guess that worked for years. I can't get the memories out of my head Don. I've tried and they won't go. Sometimes I forget and live like there's no tomorrow but other times I'm crippled by the memories. I've tried to so hard to move on. I never see him anymore because I can't bear to look at his face. When he showed up at that crime scene, it was the first time I'd seen him in twelve years. I just can't look him in the eye ever again.

He looked up for a moment, thinking about the time she'd been interviewing him and realised, she'd never made eye contact with him. She hadn't looked him in the eye once. "He really hurt you" he trembled as tears began to trickle down his cheeks.

I spent my childhood living in fear of him and living in despair of my mother. I know I'm not the only girl in the world who got landed with bad parents who treated me like dirt. And I know I'm not the only one who's struggled with it but sometimes I find it so hard. There have been so many times when I haven't wanted to go on. I've tried killing myself three times and I failed. I always remember my brother telling me after my last attempt that the reason I hadn't died was because I didn't deserve it and I had everything to live for. That it wasn't my time yet. He told me I had to live. But now I can't carry on. My mother killed our baby and the grief is too much. I'm so confused and angry that the world is a haze and I can't bear the thought of going through this ever again.

Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...

I wanted this baby so much. I couldn't wait for us to be a family. Me, you and our baby boy. It was going to be everything I've ever needed. I knew you wanted it too. I remember you smiling at the scans, not one of those silly grins you get when you're being playful but a serious smile. A genuine happy smile. I thought then that maybe this time things would be ok. That I would finally get to be happy. I wish I never told my mom then she wouldn't have given me all those pills. I was so ready for it all. I can't even describe how happy I was the first time I heard his tiny heart beating away. Or how amazing it was the first time he kicked inside me, how it made me see how much I had to live for. Now he's gone, dead inside me and I can't bear it.

It's all I ever wanted and it's gone. You're everything I have ever wanted, everything I've ever needed. You know I said that my dad said he would make sure no man ever wanted me and that it worked for years. It's true. Just in a different way. Most people think that the men I've dated have dumped me because they think I think I'm better than them because I try to be someone I shouldn't be. That's not really the case. It's partly because of that, because all these men are rich. Buts it also because they are rich that they remind me of my father. It's just not them being rich that ruins my relationships with men. It's that I push them away. I have struggled for years to be able to allow men close to me. I have struggled with intimacy issues because of the sexual abuse I suffered. My first few boyfriends, the men my mom set me up with, I refused to sleep with at all, the first two I refused to allow them to kiss me or hug me. Some of my later boyfriends I didn't sleep with either because I just didn't feel comfortable with them. But with you… it was different.

Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

I never really thought that I'd ever find somebody who loves me the way that I am. You've never tried to change me or tell me I need to change. You've always told me that I'm fine the way I am. You're the only person in the world that has ever made me feel like I'm worth anything. That has ever made feel loved. I wish I'd met you sooner. I see that look in your eyes sometimes, wondering if you could take away all the pain that you see when you look at me. I know you see that sometimes. And I want you to know that you have taken away so much of my pain just by being there with me. By loving me, and making me feel worth something. By just being with me. Your smile makes me happy. Just seeing it. You tell me that you don't care about my imperfections. My scars, they don't bother you. Who I am doesn't bother you. You have always known how to make my pain melt away, even just for a moment.

I love you more than I've ever loved anybody else. You have made me happier than I've ever been. If it weren't for you I probably wouldn't have carried on so long. But now I can't take it anymore. I can't live with what my mother has done to me, with the guilt I feel over allowing her to do it.

I know you'll be ok. I promise you. I promise you will find someone else who loves you, to love you. I'm so sorry… Goodbye Don… I love you.

Love Adrianna

And he just broke down in tears. Why hadn't she just told him? He was absolutely devastated, his heart was in pieces that were scattered across the floor. It felt like everything good was gone. He thought about her, it all made sense now. It was no wonder she'd been a mess since she'd reappeared. She'd been convinced her mother had killed their baby.

He returned to the hospital the following morning, having barely slept and sat beside her. He stroked her face as tears slid down his cheeks. "I love you so much" he trembled "More than you'll ever know. You could've told me. I would've been there for you. Please hold on Adrianna. I need you and your little boy needs you. He's alive and he's fighting for his life. He needs you. Please fight. Because I promise I'll look after you. You'll be ok"

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

I cannot believe I've just posted seven chapters in one go! They've been more or less finished for a while but I've just tided them up and saved them as separate documents as all the chapters are in one large document which is my master copy. The next chapter is about done but I just need to check it but it should be up soon.

Note for this chapter all bold italics are the song which is Lullaby by Nickelback and the note is in regular italics. on the master copy i have in a curly font but you can't get different fonts on here. The normal writing is where Flack is either thinking, acting or speaking.

Please R&R. Enjoy :)