in another life

Yes, Hitoka wishes she could go to Aobajousai and no, she hadn't got in the normal way.

It wasn't all bad. Karasuno had a nice program that would set her up for college and it's not like it would change much of Hitoka's nonexistent plan. She was good at studying and no matter the high school she got into, she's sure her grades will stay superb.

But even if grades her important, they don't make her feel very important.

All she has wanted, all Hitoka had wanted was one year, just one, where she could admire her childhood friends from closer sidelines. She's two years younger than them and she only has, or had, two chances. The first time around her mom had placed her in a middle school without asking Hitoka's opinion. That was alright. Hitoka would get another chance in highschool. Just three years, she'd tell herself, three years of rushing to ending matches and cheering in the last set, her voice overshadowed by the sheer voracity of fans while she tried to be heard; tried to be noticed.

She'd fail ever time.

It was alright, Iwaizumi would say, telling her it was one of their bad matches anyway and it wasn't worth her time to see something so uncool. Oikawa, on the other hand, would tease and drape himself melodramatically across her sofa, saying if only Hi-chan had been there, then maybe he would have had the motivation to win.

Hitoka knows he's joking, she knows, and Hinata reminds her years later that you don't need a reason to not want to lose and she still feels bad. Every single time.

When her highschool entrance exams loom close and she spends every precious moment not eating or sleeping or using the bathroom to study, for once in her life she's felt confident she could do something. She could achieve something with her own hands.

But then she forgets to write her name on the entrance exam and fails herself.

Hitoka cries. She'd gotten ever single question right, she knows, but she she'd been so anxious, so bundled- up with pent up nerves, she forgotten to write the most important kanji on her test.

She goes into a reprieve after that, settling for the closest school to her home; the one with the crows in their name. Iwaizumi tries to cheer her up, saying something about how—"If you're seen with Oikawa, his fangirls would maim you."

Hitoka knows that. She knows they wouldn't hesitate to turn her life into a chain-saw murder movie and she fears the inevitable. But at the same time, maybe she deserves it, to be the Villager B that died to intrigue the investigator and start the war of minds. Maybe then, when they find meaning in her life after her meaningless death, Oikawa will notice her.

She's never admired someone so much in her life like she's admired Oikawa, and through the years, those admiration and respects and awe budded and bloomed into love. She wanted a chance, a chance to prove herself and make him turn her way. But she failed.

It's not until after her reprieve, after she goes back to her normal-paced studious lifestyles that a deity hears her plea and decides she's worth a second chance.

A sun shows up on her life and shines her way to Karasuno's volleyball club. She's hesitant at first. These people will go against Oikawa and his team and might hinder his path. Should she really support them? Can she really put her all into wanting them to win when it's already been stolen by their enemy? It's a cheesy, rose-colored thought but it's important.

She finds her answer in Iwaizumi again.

"Go for it. Oikawa won't like it but maybe that's for the better. Maybe he'll finally stop seeing you as a fallback and finally realize you're a person too."

Hitoka doesn't think Oikawa doesn't see her as a person. But she knows he doesn't see her as a girl; as a person who might hold greater affections then he thinks. She suppresses that one sarcastic negative thought that maybe he did see her romantic affections and just chose to ignore them.

She joins Karasuno and becomes a true crow. A bird of prey that might be able to finally grab that one shiny pearl off the seabed.

She meets a lot of people. A bunch of boys Iwaizumi would definitely not approve of. Some of them remind of her cats, some of owls, some of mushrooms and broccoli, as strange as that sounds. She really really doesn't want to die in this Titan jungle she finds herself in but Hinata and Kagayama come to her rescue. She laughs and talks and shares stories with the female managers and Hitoka is content.

At preliminaries though, she's not so sure.

In the semi-finals, her crows go against Oikawa's knights.

Her crows fight beak and claw. They use everything they've learned from the cats and the owls; the mushrooms and the broccoli. They prove themselves that not only are they crows; that they're white crows. Different and special and deserving of the victory they grasped with their talons.

Hitoka is proud. She's so proud of them she forgets that her win is Oikawa's loss.

Later, much later, in the privacy of her room, she sobs a little for Oikawa. She doesn't stop feeling pride in her team, no, but she allows her conflicted emotions to shed some tears.

They have another match tomorrow. This one is against the swans who Oikawa's never beat.

In this match, she can cheer with all her might. For she cheers for her teams and for Oikawa's.

When they finally, finally secure the winning point, she allows herself to feel pride in herself. Pride and self-confidence that help her meet up with Oikawa on Sunday for an alien movie he wants to see.

This time without Iwaizumi. But with his words: "Go for it."

Oikawa laughs and smiles and snorts and eats half her popcorn and the warm feeling fills her heart again. She knows, she knows he doesn't feel the same way. But she decides that that's alright. That telling him is worth the pain of rejection.

"Tooru-kun!"

She holds the hem of his shirt before he leaves. Her jaw is unhinged, moving nervously without words and her minds runs through a million different ways that this could go. She's prepared to lose this friendship for this one selfish act, this one act that she wants to do for herself, by herself.

She finally whips her head up, takes in his surprise and curiosity and his brown hair and and brown eyes and easy smile and remembers the doodles of 'Oikawa Hitoka' on her notebook and breathes, "I really like you Tooru-kun!"

Oikawa blinks, long and hard, and smiles like a predator, "Who doesn't Hi-chan? I'm irresistible~."

It's the most subtle, most gentle rejection she'll ever get. And she knew, she knew it. He had known. He's known all along.

Tears well up but she doesn't let them fall. She throws arms around Oikawa's middle, nearly making him trip and shouts, "Good luck on your exams Oikawa-kun!" Before she bolts and flees the scene.

She's sad, she's crying, she's wiping tears from her eyes, it's all blurry, she can't see.

And all she can really, truly feel is content. For the boy she's admired her entire life, had let her down in the most admirable way possible; in the only way to preserve the friendship she has held so close to her heart.

And Hitoka could never ask for more than that.