It was not easy to live deliberately.

Not for somebody like himself. The brother of Jeffrey Anderson, son the Andersons, future of the Andersons, the other Anderson boy.

Never Todd. Always tacked onto the end of a list of identities that didn't belong to him. High expectations and achievement that he would never accomplish.

And now he had 'Welton Academy student' in the bank of identities. But still, it wasn't good enough. He had only a lousy desk set to show for it, a duplicate of last years birthday present. Sure he liked stationary but not thoughtlessly gifted stationary devoid of any consideration of his likes.

Was he selfish to feel the bitter bile of disappointment rising up in his throat? The nauseous anticipation he remembered in the pit of his stomach, accompanied by his clammy hands as opened that package mere moments ago? The spark of anger that masked the underlying pain?

Maybe he was selfish because his frustration was much stronger than the guilt of this resentment.

He didn't doubt his parents love for him. They had removed him from the horrors of his last school, Balincrest - maybe it was also in part for the family image - but that wasn't the root of the issue at hand.

Todd looked down at the offending object that lay innocently beside him on the stone slabs and sighed softly. If only he was able get over the fears and insecurities which plagued him, because those demons had prevented him from telling anybody about his upcoming birthday. He knew that Neil would insist on getting him a gift, that Charlie would use it as an excuse for a party and cause a riot in an attempt for girls to be invited. That they would end up in the cave reciting poetry over cake under the moonlit night, with Meeks and Pitts hand built radio playing, they would all be laughing at Charlie's crude jokes and teasing Cameron for his tenacious worrying.

Todd allowed the tiniest of smiles to adorn his lips at the thought of his friends.

Friends.

But all of that would have to play out in his imagination because he had been to anxious about it to even bring the subject up. It didn't matter that he had been getting better, talking more freely, hiding in places he was easily found, because he had still messed this one up for himself.

"Todd?" a surprised voice called out followed by the loud, confident, footfalls that Todd had become familiar with.

Sure enough he saw Neil striding towards him.

"Hey."

"Hey" Todd replied composing his face to rest at default, expressionless.

"What's going on?" asked Neil coming to a stop in front of his small, hunched figure.

"Nothing."

Neil stared down at him, his dark eyes prompting him to elaborate. Todd lasted less than a second under his concerned gaze.

"It's my birthday" he blurted.

"Is today your birthday?" Neil muttered to himself, seemingly shocked that he didn't know. Todd only just prevented himself from rolling his eyes in amusement, of course Neil would be shocked, the boy made it his mission to know as much as he could about people, friends, teachers, even strangers. He loved people and people loved Neil. "Happy Birthday" Neil smiled.

"Thanks."

"What did you get?"

Todd opened his mouth but hesitated, turning his head to look down once more at the disappointment, "my parents gave me this" he gestured hesitantly.

Neil furrowed his eyebrows,"Isn't this the same desk set tha-"

"Yeah. They gave me the same thing as last year" Todd interrupted, he didn't need or want to hear it said aloud.

"Oh, uh, oh" Neil was struggling to find something to say, not that Todd blamed him, "maybe they though you needed another one" Neil replied eventually with a half-hearted chuckle.

Todd laughed along with him, he couldn't help it. Even Neil's fake laugh was as infectious as his smile.

"Maybe they weren't thinking at all" he said sobering up.

Neil's chuckles ceased immediately.

"Funniest thing about this is, I didn't even like it the first time" Todd laughed darkly.

"Todd" Neil said suddenly, "I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set." The tall boy leant down to pick up the unwanted gift. "I mean, who would want a football, or a baseball, or a-"

"Or a car" Todd offered playing along. Whatever the hell this game was he didn't know, but Neil had that same twinkle in his eye that he had after talking to Keating about the Dead Poets, Todd had quickly learned it meant magical things were about to happen.

"Or a car" Neil Perry continued, "when they had a desk set as wonderful as this one" the boy turned it over in his hands. "If I was ever to buy a desk set...twice" -Todd let out a joyous laugh causing Neil to smirk - "I would probably buy this one..both times" he said earning another breathy laugh Todd. "In fact it's shape is" Neil broke off to hold the thin wooden set up to his eye line, "rather aerodynamic. Isn't it?"

Neil strode over to the wall Todd was sat against.

"I can feel it" he murmured pretending to launch the set like a toy plane, "this desk set wants to fly."

Todd rose up and took his place next to his brilliant best friend.

"Todd" Neil handed him the desk set with a nod, "the world's first, unmanned, flying desk set.

"Herrrrruuhh" Todd let out a barbaric cry, flinging the desk set off over the edge of the roof. Nearly toppling over himself with the momentum of the powerful throw.

It crashed down to the ground, pots smashed, ink splattered into the air and paper fluttered away.

It was perfect.

Both boys let out the guffaws that had been building, the moment full of gasps of "Oh my" and "brilliant" in every spare breath.

"I wouldn't worry" said Neil seriously, "you'll get another one next year."

Todd had never loved his best friend more.