My entry for the 2016 One Piece Big Bang. Check my profile for the amazing art. It'll be out later today.

The way Zoro understood things, going out with someone eventually lead to an awkward meet-the-friends thing. Everybody sat together and tried to figure out whether they would be able to tolerate each other for the sake of their mutual friends, who were making goo-goo eyes from across the table.

At least that's what his sister Perona explained, before letting out an obnoxious sigh about the fact that Zoro was better off playing tea party with his swords, because he didn't have the basic human capacity to go out with someone. She then proceeded to make several sexual innuendos about his bokkens, until he practically threw her out of his apartment.

Point is, Zoro didn't have much (any) previous encounters to compare against. So he didn't know if it was normal to be stared down by a chef in a peg leg, who was barring entrance to an apparently pirate-themed restaurant. "You."

"Me." To his credit, the old guy didn't flinch back, unlike most people who made eye contact with him.

"We're going out," Luffy said as he clung to Zoro's side, all too happy to mention the fact.

"You better not be another bottomless hole," Zeff growled.

Zoro tried not to growl back. As far as he was concerned, only he was allowed to complain about Luffy like that.

"He likes booze, though."

"Hush, you." Zoro mussed with Luffy's hair until he started giggling.

Once inside, Luffy beat him to his friends' table, sliding into the booth like a baseball champ. As Zoro sat next to Luffy, he noticed Luffy's friends were shamelessly staring at him. Blonde Guy jutted his chin out like a cheap punk. Orange Hair with was up to no good, analyzing him for how much he was worth. Finally, Long Nose locked eyes with him, made an 'eep' sound, then shielded himself with a menu. Sheesh.

Blondie stood up and took all their menus pre-emptively.

"Hey!" Zoro yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, I got your order. Some fish food for the marimo!"

"What did you call me, you…you mophead?"

In a very unsanitary move, said mophead slammed his shoe against the table in front of Zoro. "You wanna repeat that, ya fuzzy pig?"

"Oh that does it-"

"Sanji," The girl whined. "I'm hungry!"

Sanji's attitude made a 180, his face composed yet delighted to serve. "Of course ma'am. I'll be back with your dinner for this evenings. And yeah, you shitheads too." Sanji glared especially hard at Zoro, before flinging his way through the kitchen doors.

"Ignore Sanji. He's the sous chef here, he knows what he's doing." Orange lazily waved Zoro down as he tried to rise from his seat. "Oh, by the way. I'm Nami, and this here is Usopp." She jerked her thumb at the head behind the menu. Luffy was still chuckling, something about marimos under his breath. Great, he was probably imagining a fine dustly layer of fish food on top of his head or something. Zoro tried to be angry about it. He really did.

"Luffy, he's scaring me." Usopp stage-whispered across the table.

Luffy didn't help when he started to laugh in disbelief. "What are you talking about? Zoro's cool, not scary! He has a tattoo, and a motorcycle, and CANDLES!"

That's kendo," Zoro smirked without malice.

"Yeah, that. He practices by chopping up candles with his swords. Like how Sanji's really good at chopping up carrots. Oh, do you think Sanji's making something with carrots? Cuz carrots are gross, except when Sanji makes them. Is he done yet?"

"I don't care," Zoro grumped. He could probably chop carrots a thousand times better than that shitty cook.

"Yeah, me neither. So longer as it has meat in it."

Zoro was about to reply, when he felt Nami's stare on him. "What?"

"You two are amusing. It's like watching a game of tennis."

Well, excuse her. "I'm not here for your entertainment."

"Aw. That's so sweet. You're an asshole around everybody except Luffy."

"No I'm not," he tried but probably failed to intimidate her. "Shut up," he added for good measure. Was she right, though? He hadn't tried to treat Luffy and differently or anything. He knew he was surly, and he let that scare other people away or end up the case of a fight. Yet those flaws of his just rolled off Luffy like water off a duck's back. Huh, duck. Wonder what Luffy would have to say about roast ducks. Shit, Luffy's weird logic was contagious. Looking at the smarmy look on Nami's face, at least she didn't shy away like more people would have by now. Weirdly enough, both of Luffy's friends seemed to visibly relax.

"Hey," Nami said in a softer voice. "Take care of our idiot, ok?"

"Rude." Luffy stuck his tongue out.

Nami returned the gesture. "I mean, of course, we'll make your life miserable if you don't . But also-"

"You'll suffer the wrath of the Monkey Clan," Usopp said in a hushed voice, finally speaking up. Only to be elbowed painfully in the side by Nami for interrupting her.

"The what?" Zoro thought he might have heard wrong.

"Basically your in-laws," Nami cheerfully added.

"Oh, it's much much more than that!" Usopp crowed. "And as Luffy's best friend, I think it's my duty tell you what you're in for." He slammed his hands onto the tables for dramatic effect. "The Monkey Clan."

It sounded like a bargain-bin video game title to Zoro.

"They're a group of strong, charismatic men, each of them shrouded in mystery. Not all of them have the last name Monkey, but they know each other well enough that you can just shove them all together. On the top of the chain of command is Grandfather Monkey D. Garp. If we could draw real-life comparisons, then Garp would be King Kong."

"Real life." Zoro repeated slowly. "Right."

"You'll see my way when you meet him. Both of them are big, ugly, emotionally volatile, and leave mountains of physical destruction in their wake." Nods of agreement closely followed. When Luffy nodded along too, Zoro started to believe that this wasn't all some huge prank.

"Heh, wait till Gramps finds out that you called him ugly!" Luffy snickered.

Usopp paled, but managed to recover. Of course Luffy was joking…right? "Ahem. Next is Luffy's dad, Monkey D. Dragon. We're gonna need a monkey analogy that's wise, but devious. Something like a baboon?"

"What, he's also got his bare red ass hanging out in the open?" Sanji appeared from nowhere to place plates of food onto the table, before taking his seat.

Usopp snapped his fingers impatiently. "Focus, man! We're not talking about monkey butts! Anyway, there's also Luffy's two brothers. Ace is like some monkey that's…on fire."

"Ooh, ooh!" Luffy waved his fork furiously into the air. "Like Chimchar!"

"Yeah. No, Infernape, a level 100 one. And equipped with TM's like Solar Beam and Earthquake."

"You've totally lost us, Usopp." Nami said.

Luffy's eyes morphed into shooting stars and he garbled through a mouthful of steak, "You can teach Solar Beam to Infernape?!"

"Of-of-of course you can!" Usopp inwardly hoped he was right. He cleared his throat. "Then, there's Sabo. He's…well, honestly, I don't know much about him. Except that he's blonde. And really nice. Maybe he can be one of those monkeys who pokes sticks into trees to pick up ants."

"Ants? Blech!"

Usopp gaped at Luffy. "That's the first time I heard of something that you won't eat."

"Well, yeah. I tried eating ants once, and they stung like crazy! Ace ended up having to take me to the hospital."

Zoro nodded in agreement. "I tried stabbing an ant hole once. My feet itched for weeks."

Usopp covered his face with his hand. Apparently, these two both came from the same planet of idiots. They really were a perfect match for each other. "Moving on! Shanks is kind of like a father figure to Luffy. Came by all the time at the orphanage to check up on him."

"And Makino!"

"Hush, you're missing the point!" Usopp pondered, ruining his serious expression by tapping a fish stick against his chin. "Shanks is easy to get along with, has a lot of years behind him and tries to keep Luffy out of trouble. Plus his hair is red. So he's kinda like an orangutan."

"You're really stretching these monkey analogies." Sanji said.

Usopp ignored him. "Rayleigh seems to know Garp, so there must be some history between them. He's the other old guy in the Monkey clan. Doesn't really step in except for important stuff, and doesn't try to stir up too much trouble. He's like a nice, peaceful gorilla."

Zoro fought the urge to snort. He could remember once stumbling onto a documentary about gorillas in an alcohol-induced stupor. If memory served him right, male gorillas weren't known to be peaceful. Actually, no wild animal should be underestimated.

What could he say? He took his documentaries seriously.

"And that brings me to my final specimen. Behold the youngest member of the Monkey clan: Monkey D. Luffy, the baby monkey!"

"What?!" Luffy looked up indignantly from his meal, cheeks stuffed with cheesy mashed potatoes.

"Zoro, back me up here," Usopp demanded. "Does he not resemble it?"

Zoro blinked as the figurative spotlight landed on him. He glanced at Luffy, who was hunched over his empty plate with petulance, his puppy eyes begging Zoro to say otherwise. There was gravy and bacon bits adorning his face. Honestly, he was kinda adorable in a messy way. "Erk."

"See?!" Usopp yelled triumphantly.

"Well." Zoro tried to redeem himself in front of his indignant boyfriend. "I thought that when you said the Monkey clan was strong and charismatic, you meant all of them."

"Well, Luffy does have his moments. But you don't understand! Within the female-lacking, testosterone-charged environment that is the Monkey Clan, you have this!" Usopp stretched his arms out at Luffy, who crossed his arms and had and adorable pout that only reinforced Usopp's words. "The innocent, fun-loving baby monkey who has pathologically low levels of self-preservation instinct or common sense. He's the one that all the other alpha males redirect their protective instincts toward. He's climbing up figurative trees and flagpoles and ledges, and the other monkeys of the Monkey clan are scrambling below, desperate to catch him if-, no, when he falls."

Zoro raised an eyebrow. "So like Curious George."

"Curious George has nothing on Luffy," Nami chimes in.

Usopp makes a dramatic sweep of his arms. "Which brings us to the beginning of our story. Once upon a time-"

"There was a gang of brats who didn't leave the restaurant after they finished their food. Their corpses were later found in a dumpster along the highway." Zeff hovered over their table impatiently.

Sanji glared. "Shitty old man. Is that a way to talk to your customers?"

"You stopped being my customers when you finished yer food. Now get out before I kick you shitty kids out. LITERALLY."