A/N: This took me forever, and I'm not at peace with it, and I don't know if I like it. It's such a mess. I am jumping back and forth on the emotions here, and really, no idea what this is. I really struggled to get this out, and I don't even know why. I want to say stay tuned for more stories because I have time (finally), but I really need to find my muse back! Anyway, well, I'm posting, so this is it. Feel free to let me know how shitty this is. Thanks!

Take Refuge

He disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. She heard the water running and sighed. At least he was home, she thought. Her mind drifted, thinking of all that has happened, of all that was about to happen. She was scared. Terrified. Tonight was the second time he reassured her that he was there, that they were forever. And still. He had to lie, and he shut her out once more. It was becoming a regular thing and she was beginning to wonder if they will ever be able to get back to talking the way they used to before everything happened. She was afraid that in spite of his promises and despite their endless love for one another, that it would be impossible to fix the damage that was caused. She never feared so much for their relationship. It was always the most solid thing she had in life. Even when she was due for a station chief in Baghdad, they made it through it. She never regretted her decision. She never looked back on the day she chose to quit for her family, for him. She would do it again if she had to. She would quit her job as Secretary of State if he asked. What she couldn't do was take back that horrible day when she was forever linked in his mind with the decision of choosing the greater good.

She was lying on her back, her fingers moving on her band, twisting it. Always the same habit, so naturally she wasn't even aware she was doing it. He came back into the room to see her a million miles away; to notice her fiddling with her rings. He climbed to the bed and reached for her hand, breaking her hold and her thoughts. She moved to meet his eyes and he smiled, linking his fingers with hers. "You are my refuge, my shelter" he whispered.

"I am also a painful reminder" she said, swallowing her tears again as they threatened to fall. She knew he didn't have to work. She suspected it the minute he called her. It was why she was lying wide awake in bed waiting for him to come home. She didn't mind that he didn't come. It was the lie, the need to hide this from her. She wasn't even mad; nor hurt. She was just scared. So so scared. Too scared to shake it off, to close her eyes, to let it go. She wanted to believe their session with Dr. Sherman would help. She needed to believe that. But he was only drifting further away, and she couldn't stop replaying his words in her mind, over and over again. Like the painful reminder that she was, his words haunted her, taunted her.

"Elizabeth", his voice was low, serious. "I love you".

"Enough to get past this?"

He shivered slightly at her question. He never heard her so insecure, so uncertain of his love for her. He never thought they would reach a point in life where either one of them feels that way. He thought about that day – his words, his actions. If only he had spoken with reason rather than with passion. Maybe he would've been able to explain himself better; maybe he would've been able to reassure her more, to promise her that he will get past this, that he loves her enough to get past anything. But the words flew out of his mouth, as he was speaking before he had the chance to think it through, the anger and frustration taking over any reason that was left. He was never one to speak from passion. He was a man of words, of thoughts. And especially with her, he would never say something to her out of passion, of anger. They never worked that way, no matter how heated an argument got. And yet he found himself that day listening to the words he said and realizing that he will never be able to change what he said, that his words caused the damage. He couldn't even look at her then; he was unable to see the damage. But it was unraveling, ever since. Slowly, bits and pieces of what his words had done. So many years with her and still, this was enough.

He moved, climbing on top of her, pressing his weight against her body. She took a deep breath and her eyes fluttered shut. It's been too long since they've been this intimate, this close. He leaned closer, brushing his lips against her nose before he pressed them gently against her lips. He kissed her slowly, his tongue exploring her mouth, as if kissing her for the very first time. She had to open her eyes to see that it was really him, because with everything that happened, it was so easy to forget just how much he really loved her. He opened his eyes as well, meeting her gaze as their lips danced together. He broke their kiss, her darkened eyes cutting through him. He needed to reassure her, but his words were lost on her, so he resorted to kissing her, only to find out that she was so insecure of them, that nothing was enough.

"Baby… What can I do?" he asked, his hand moving to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"Nothing" she admitted and it was the most painful admission she ever made, mostly to herself. Because it was the first time that she acknowledged out loud that he can't fix everything, that some things were just unfixable.

"You have to believe me. When I say I'm not going anywhere, that we're together no matter what, you have to trust me. I love you too much to walk away no matter how hard things get. We will fix this, we have to. There's nothing more painful than not being with you. Nothing".

"What if…"

"No" he stopped her, "nothing, babe. You are everything".

"Show me" she whispered, her eyes glazing with tears.

He took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles, running his fingers on her rings. He intertwined their fingers as he leaned closer to capture her lips, slow and soft. He pressed his body more closely to hers, his weight being the comfort she was seeking. Her hand began to roam his bare chest, making him shiver at the light touch of her fingertips. He deepened the kiss, his tongue moving with hers, his lips sucking, tasting, their breaths mixing together. She moaned just slightly into his mouth and the sound made him tremble. He couldn't remember the last time he heard that sound.

He pulled apart from her lips and she tilted her head as his lips traced her neck, moving to kiss her sensitive spot behind her ear. Her hand left his, moving to his hair, keeping him in place. She bit down her lower lip, tasting his toothpaste and some leftovers of the whisky, a subtle mix of how their lives looked like – somewhat normal, but only on the outside. Taking a deep breath, she brushed off all coherent thoughts she still had. She wanted to be there, in that moment, with him. She wanted, needed, to forget, if only for that moment, that their marriage might be falling apart, that he was falling apart. Maybe he could show her, maybe, if she tried hard enough, she would find the confidence, the faith. Maybe if she would only let herself feel – feel his body, his touch, his love – maybe.

He met her eyes again and his hands moved to the hem of her silk shirt. He watched as she bit her lip again, as she sat just slightly to allow him to take it off. As her pants followed, their dance began and they were soon linked together, pressing, touching, breathing. Reuniting as one, their eyes never leaving each other, silent promises that no words could match.

He moved against her, feeling her burning skin under him, her heavy breaths, the quiet moans. She locked him in place – with her legs and her arms, pulling him to her, needing to feel. He pressed a sloppy kiss to her lips, swallowing her cries before he collapsed on top of her, his head resting on her shoulder, breathing in her scent that he loved so much.

"Will you remember any of this when the morning comes?" she asked quietly, too afraid to voice her fears.

"I didn't drink to forget".

"But to escape?"

"No. Not from you". He rolled off of her, and it almost made her cry at the loss of contact, sending shivers down her spine as his strong figure no longer pressed against her. But before she even made a sound, he pulled her to him, her head resting on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her. He tangled his legs with her, making sure every part of their bodies touched.

"You have to know. Elizabeth, you have to know, it's not all I see when I look at you. I take refuge in you. You are the one I run to. And I will never run from you. And I need you to take refuge in me. In us. I need you to confide in me. I haven't changed, my love for you hasn't changed. You will forever be the one, no matter what".

"You are my refuge, Henry. Which is why I am so scared of losing you".

"You are not going to. This is just another bump in the road, and the road, our road, is still long, and we will walk it together, hand in hand. I'm not going anywhere, I promise".

She closed her eyes when he kissed her hair. It was once so easy to fall for his words, and he never failed her. And as difficult as it was, she had to believe that he wasn't going to fail her now either. "Take me with you the next time you feel like you need a drink?" she asked, moving to look at him.

He smiled. It was her way of asking him not to shut her out. It was her way of being a part of this thing that he was going through, of being the support he needed so badly. You should lean on me, her eyes said, as if reading his thoughts, speaking the language only they knew. "Will you wear that dress for me?" he grinned.

Surprised, she looked at him. "Ali sent me a picture" he said, rolling her on her back and climbing on top of her again. "And you took my breath away" he whispered in her ear as his fingers danced on her stomach.

"You still owe me the tux".

"I'm thinking I should pick something else for our date night tomorrow". She giggled and he kissed her, their bodies moving together again, dancing between the sheets.

"Hey, at least we got back to our circle of intimacy" he teased when they snuggled in each other again.

She looked at him one last time before closing her eyes and falling into a deep sleep in his arms. Tomorrow was a brand new day, and they would find their way back.