Note: I hadn't planned on updating this story first, but my friend wanted an update so I knew I had to make it happened. This is one goes out to Morgan. I have not given up on my other SOA story, but I have lacked some serious inspiration. Hopefully I'll get some soon.
Losing My Mind
I think I'm losing my mind now
It's in my head, darling I hope
That you'll be here when I need you the most
So don't let me down
The first year the guys were inside was tough. Tougher then Cheyenne even imagined. She had no idea how much she relied on Jax and her dad mentally and emotionally until they were gone. She hadn't realized the strength she pulled from them, just knowing they were nearby if she needed them, until they weren't.
She had stumbled and struggled to be strong in the beginning. Sinking into the pits of her own hopeless life, but by focusing on her son and the baby growing inside her, Cheyenne always pulled herself out of the darkness.
She had toyed with the idea of going to see Jax countless times. Let his irresistible smirk lick her wounds, tell him about the baby, but it never seemed safe. So much could go wrong and there was nothing he could do from behind bars.
Too much room for people to put the pieces together. So Cheyenne kept away. Only visiting her dad on days she knew Jax didn't also have visitors.
It wasn't until the birth of her daughter that Cheyenne finally felt strong again too. Ella has her mom's wavy blonde hair with Jax's sky blue eyes. She looked so much like her big brother and her arrival gave Cheyenne the extra boost she needed to fight on again.
But she had no idea how much she would need that strength until Ella was born. She had no idea how bad things would get.
A month and a half after her daughter was born, Edmond's father, Cameron Hayes was taken out. Found strangled at a Depot in Ireland, army tag on his head.
Edmond's grief was insurmountable. He was devastated to his core. He insisted they all go to Ireland, but Cheyenne knew better. She knew if they went to Ireland, he'd never let them leave.
With a newborn and small child to protect, Cheyenne refused. A decision she would pay greatly for. In all his drunken grief Edmond hadn't taken her refusal lightly. Greif stricken and angry at the world, Edmond had given her a beating that night Cheyenne would never forget.
That was the night Gemma learned the awful truth, because after Cheyenne regained consciousness on the linoleum tile of her kitchen floor, bloody and in excruciating pain, she had somehow managed to gather her babies and make it to Gemma's to heal and hide.
Cheyenne will never forget the look on Gemma face as she limped up the drive way, car seat heavy in her weak hands as Liam's clung to her side.
Three broken ribs, her lip split open, her cheekbones covered in open scrapes and bruises, but it was hard to see past how swollen and bruised her eyes were.
Gemma had kept her and kids safe. Called in a friend of the club to tend to Cheyenne's wounds. And even stood against Edmond when he came looking for her. Told him at gun point, his wife and kids weren't going to Ireland and that was final.
Edmond had made the journey back home to mourn and bury his father alone. He was gone for months and Cheyenne had prayed he wouldn't return, but to her utter dismay, he eventually did.
And when he showed up at Gemma's expecting his family back, apologizing for everything, Cheyenne felt she had no choice. Under Gemma's advisement, she hadn't told the club the truth about Edmond. Still trying to protect the club her heart wasn't quite ready to give up on yet. Too many of the guys were locked up.
Both women knew what the guys not doing time would do if they learned the truth. And the blowback that would come from that kind of revenge wasn't something the club was equipped to take on with half their crew inside.
So Cheyenne reluctantly returned to him. She could see in the coldness of his eyes he had changed. The loss of his father had made him a different man. A more dangerous one with less to lose. But she was stronger too. Not the wife he left behind. Her guard in place. Counting the day until the guys got out. Stuck between a rock and a hard place
It all happened so fast. One minute Jax is waiting to make a call back home, the next he's getting shoved back and a phone cord is coming down around his neck.
It all happens too quick for him to form any sort of real defense. He knew something was coming. The way the guys all filed out of line for the phone. The Russian steadily approaching him.
But nothing could have prepared Jax for the feel of burning heat as that shank pierces through him, one- two- three times. The pain is instantly agonizing and overwhelming to his sense.
Jax feels helpless as the phone cord releases from his neck, blood staining his shirt as it spills from his wounds, as he slides to the concrete floor below.
The asshole who stabbed him is speaking Russian in his face, but all Jax can focus on is breathing as his body trembles and shakes from a mortal wound.
Lying against the cold cement floor, Jax tries to access the damage as he struggles to breath. Every breath growing harder than the last. He's been stabbed in the chest. A blow he's sure was meant for the heart, but he's not sure if it reached it as he grunts and fights to stay alive.
Liam and Cheyenne fill his mind. Their smiling faces drive him on. Knowing how much they need him. Jax grunts as he forces himself to breathe, forces himself to keep living. Living for them. This isn't the plan. He has to get out of here. He has to get his family somewhere safe.
Jax can feel the blood soaking up his shirt, he can feel it pooling around him as he gasps and struggles just to breath.
But Jax refuses to surrender. Refuses to give up and die, even as he feels the life draining out of him with each passing breath.
He won't do that to them. He can't. He's all they have. And Jax knows better than anyone what will happen to his family if he doesn't get out of here and rescue them.
He can't let that happened. Won't let that happen. He loves them too much. So despite the excruciating burning pain in his chest and lungs, Jax keeps breathing.
Marriage is hard, even under the best of circumstances. Made all the much harder under bad circumstances. It's the routines that destroy it. The day in and day out that slowly eat away at the magic that once made your love, your bond that feels bigger and greater than anything.
It's the blind repetition of routine that wears you down. All the lost dreams, the compromises. Makes you feel numb to the love that was once all you could think about.
Or worse, you're bitterly annoyed by a life you're sleepwalking through, that feels meaningless. As if you're slowly wasting away your days with a partner your barely know anymore.
Cheyenne can pinpoint the exact moment she loses all remaining faith in Edmond. The moment she realizes he has no redeeming qualities. The moment that teaches her she can never let her guard down with him. And whatever sense of safety she had was false and misplaced.
She had convinced herself the children played by a second set of rules in his heart. That the children he believed to be his own were somehow spared and immune to his reckless rage. Like so many life lessons before this one, Cheyenne had to learn the hard way she was wrong.
She's fixing dinner for her family when it all goes sour. Jax and her dad have been inside a year and a half. Liam is almost five, Ella is ten months.
It was an unseasonably warm September evening as the breeze blew in from the open windows while Edmond sits slumped in his recliner. One six pack deep and working his way through another.
It isn't even five o'clock and he's been drinking for hours. Knowing this isn't a good sign, knowing this means there is a very real chance things aren't going to go well for her tonight, Cheyenne tries to ignore him. Kept out of his way as she focuses on her kids and keeps her hands busy putting together a meal for her family.
Flashing her baby girl a smile as Ella coos and chews cheerios in her highchair, Cheyenne spots Liam playing with matchbox cars on the floor in the Livingroom.
She's still not clear what starts it. She's cutting tomatoes when it begins. But one moment everything is fine, albeit anxious, and the next Edmond has Liam by his shoulders.
Gripping her boy tight as he explodes. Yelling through the house in a voice that flies in her boy's terrified face, that bounces off the walls and instantly sends Ella crying in fear.
Cheyenne's response is immediate and sure. There is no thinking. No assessing. No wondering what to do. In that moment the most primal part of her shoots to life. A part of her she didn't know she had in her until she became a mother.
In an instant Cheyenne has the knife she was using against Edmond's throat. The blade pressed against his neck as tomato juice stains his skin.
"Let him go." She orders, her eyes drilling into Edmond's profile.
Her heart pounding wildly in her chest as adrenaline courses through her veins. As the fiercest part of her heart reigns down furry. Edmond's never touched Liam or Ella. Never laid a hand on them in anger. His rage has always been reserved for her and her alone, but ever since his father died, he's been a different man. And she regrets not using more caution.
Slowly Edmond's face turns to her. Their eyes meet as a mixture of disbelief and surprise hangs in his infuriated gaze. As if he didn't think she had it in her. He underestimated her.
"What are you doing, Cheyenne?" He asks in a cool eerie voice that edges with hints of rage.
"I said let him go." Her repeats through a tight jaw as she presses the blade deeper into his skin, her eyes drilling into his.
In that moment her heart breaks for her son, breaks that this is happening to him, breaks that he has to see her like this, but Cheyenne holds steadfast, because she'd do anything in this world to protect him and his sister. She may take Edmond's rage, but she'd never stand for it directed toward her babies.
With a huff, Edmond releases Liam from his grip.
"Liam come here." Cheyenne calls right away as Edmond lets go of her boy.
Trying to keep her voice calm as tension cuts through them all and her baby girl's cries continue to echo through the room and cut through her.
But Cheyenne can't reach her baby, can't comfort her yet, can't let her guard down with Edmond in this moment. It isn't safe as he glares at her, ready to pounce.
As Liam reaches her side, Cheyenne runs her hand over his hair, his face, his shoulder, trying to reassure her baby and herself as her eyes stay glued to Edmond and the knife holds steady to his neck.
"You ok, baby?" Cheyenne asks on a wavering breath. A breath that can't hide the heartache and guilt eating her up inside.
Silently Liam nods as fear radiates from his big blue eyes as he looks up at his mommy.
"Ella's crying." His scared little voice tells her as if she doesn't already know.
Nodding, Cheyenne tries to save him from anymore of this.
"I know baby. I'm gonna get her, but I need you to do something for me, ok? I want you to go pack a bag. Get some cloths, PJ's, and your toothbrush. We're going on a sleepover tonight. And grab Ella's diaper bag on your way back to me." She slowly instructs, trying to reassures him, trying to offer him some semblance of security.
With a quick nod, Liam cautiously moves down the hall and Cheyenne returns her full attention to Edmond she still holds at knife point. Feeling like a woman riding on the edge of something there's no coming back from, like a woman gone mad.
Looking him square in the eye, Cheyenne doesn't flinch. "Don't ever lay a hand on one of my kids again."
Edmond's eyes narrow with disgust before his lip slowly snarls. "That's funny. I thought they were our kids."
With a quick shake of her head, Cheyenne sets him straight, so there will never be any confusion again.
"I may have to put up with your shit, but the kids are mine." Her voice is precise and lethal as her gaze drills into him.
Her hand holds the blade steady to his neck, daring him to give her a reason, because in that moment, she's never hated someone more.
"This family is-" Edmond starts up before Cheyenne swiftly cuts him off.
"Never touch my kids. And if you do, I'll cut you down, Edmond. I don't care what happens to me because of it. Do you understand me?" Cheyenne swears it as her eyes drill unflinchingly into his.
No one hurts her children, no one. Growing up without a mother, Cheyenne had stumbled into motherhood blindly and unsure, but learned pretty quickly there is nothing that matters more and nothing she wouldn't do for her kids. Nothing.
Having made her point, Cheyenne takes a slow step back, but keeps the knife raised and ready if he decides to make a move.
Moving to her crying baby girl, she unlatches her from the highchair with her free hand and quickly lifts her baby to her.
Holding her close as she tries to calm her tears. "Shhh baby girl, mommy's here. It's ok." She whispers soothingly.
"Crazy bitch," Edmond mutters out before storming past her and into the backyard.
Cheyenne spins around, following his every movement, keeping her eyes on him as he sulks on the back patio.
The sound of Liam's quick little steps, catches her attention. Spotting her little boy charging down the hall bags in hand, Cheyenne slips the blade down the back of her jeans so only the handle pokes free, she grabs her purse and keys and leads her kids away from the wreckage.
Sure of one thing as they escape out the front door and move for her car- she has to get her kids out of here. Whatever it takes, whatever she has to do. She has to make a plan. She has to get them out.
When the guys finally get out everyone is there to greet them. It's like a goddamn club wide holiday and the excitement and nerves racing through Cheyenne's veins can barely be contained.
Her stomach has been in knots all day, unsure what to expect. But for the first time in two years, a breath of hope has been lit inside her, some semblance of a safety net, Jax has no idea how bad it's gotten, her old man still doesn't know the truth, but at least she knows if she really needs them, she will have someone to turn to.
She only prayers they'll understand her plans moving forward. Pray they'll understand what she has to do.
Cheyenne's heart is jumping like a jackhammer, more fierce than the roar of their engines as the guys ride in.
Jax is at the front of the pack with Clay and she can already see the croweaters swarming to get a piece of their prince returned home.
She tries not to let that irritate her. Reminding herself things are different now. She's changed and he probably has too. Whatever they had is in the past. It's about their kids now.
Her gaze drifts to her dad as Liam races to his grandpa as soon as Tig gets off his bike. Hollering in delight as he runs as fast as his little legs will go. Winning the first hug before Cheyenne reaches her dad and pulls him into a big hug.
"Welcome home daddy." She tells him as her smile stretches from ear to ear.
All her fears and anxiety washed away with the sight of her old man's smiling face. Despite all the shit their relationship has gone through over the past few years, she'll always be a daddy's girl. He's the man that raised her, only parent she has, and one hell of a grandpa.
Giving Liam a quick kiss on his forehead, Tig puts the little boy down as he turns to the baby sitting on his daughter's hip.
"Is this my granddaughter?" He asks rhetorically, the excitement lighting up his normally guarded eyes.
"The one and only. Ella this is your grandpa." Cheyenne laughs as she hands Ella off to her grandpa.
Her heart swelling in her chest as he finally holds her for the first time. She had thought about bringing her during visits so many times, but it felt seemed safe.
"My granddaughter everyone!" Tig announces to the welcome home party filling the lot, holding the baby proudly in the air as laughter spills from his proud smiling lips.
Cheyenne is so caught up in the excitement she almost misses who Liam runs after next.
"Uncle Jax!" He hollers, running full speed across the blacktop.
Cheyenne catches the site of him just in time to see Jax toss her boy in the air before settling him in his arms and heading her way.
Cheyenne suddenly becomes keenly aware of Edmond at her side. She had almost forgotten he was there in the all the excitement, but as Jax draws near it becomes painfully obvious.
The closer Jax gets the more overcome with him Cheyenne feels. Her heart races, her breath quickens. It's a feeling she fights to extinguish.
She reminds herself that she doesn't know who he is anymore. Hasn't seen him in two years. And they had ended it when he went behind bars.
She hopes she'll have his support if she needs it in the days to come, for the sake of their children, but she's not sure where they fit in this plan. She's not sure of anything where he's concerned.
The smirk on Jax's lips as he reaches Cheyenne and Edmond draws her in. It's welcoming and soothingly familiar.
"Hi Darlin'." He greets with a smooth swagger no one does better.
Cheyenne finds herself leaning in for a side hug, but Jax surprises her as he places a quick kiss upon her cheek and their eyes catch as he pulls back.
Those piercing blue eyes that suck the air out of her lungs with a glance. She had thought she had gotten past her love for Jax, but seeing him now, Cheyenne knows she was wrong.
But she also knows that's something she can't let show. Not with Edmond and her dad watching their interaction so carefully.
Jax offers Edmond a quick nod before turning back to Tig and the baby girl in his arms.
"And who's this little beauty?" Jax asks, the shift in his breath something only she would recognize.
His gaze finds Cheyenne again. Subtle, but the unspoken question in his pupil sends her heart racing all over again.
"That's my baby sister Ella." Liam chimes in from Jax's arms like a proud big brother.
"Is that so?" Jax plays along. "And I bet you're a great big brother to her, huh?"
"Yeah, I am." Liam nods confidently, taking his big brother duties very seriously for a five-year-old.
Cheyenne's heart breaks as father and daughter finally meet. She's filled with a gut churning guilt as Jax turns to his baby girl, reaching out as Ella takes ahold of his finger and starts to giggle when Jax pretends to eat her hand.
A smile twitches on the corner of Cheyenne's lips, tears threaten to form as she struggles to remain neutral while her throat tightens with emotion.
She finally sees the weight of her choice to keep Ella and Liam from him while he was in prison. To keep his daughter from him for the first year and half of her life. Even if at the time it just felt too risky to take her babies.
Cheyenne had spent the morning like Gemma and most of the croweaters, getting the clubhouse ready for the guys return home.
One of the guys had crashed in Jax's room the night before, and with Cheyenne's help, Gemma had spent the morning changing sheets and cleaning up, but still she realized at the last minute she left a stack of dirty dishes on his dresser.
Wanting everything to be perfect for her baby boy's return home, Gemma had been insistent on getting it, but with her elbow's deep hauling in food and drinks for the party already getting underway, she asked Cheyenne to grab it.
Cheyenne had hesitant at first to go back to Jax's room alone, but wanting to help, she brushed her nerves aside.
Giving the door a quick knock just to be sure no one is in there, Cheyenne enters Jax's room.
Her gaze sweeps over the room, but seeing no one she feels safe to enter.
Finding the pile of dishes Gemma had mentioned over by the bathroom door, Cheyenne moves to grab it when an unexpected noise from behind her startles Cheyenne, and sends her jumping and spinning back around.
"Sorry, it's just me darlin'." Jax laughes as he suddenly appears by the door before slowly closing it behind him.
Pausing for a moment to take the sight of her in, take in the woman he loves. She's as gorgeous as ever. Her long wavy blonde hair hanging around her like a veil. Her sexy little pout and soulful eyes, but what he hadn't anticipated, though he knows he should have, is the panic in her pupil.
Needing to be near her like he needs air to breath, Jax takes a few cautious steps her way, their eyes locked for every second.
Cheyenne heart races uncontrollably as he nears her. She knows they shouldn't be alone together. It's a bad idea. Why she hadn't wanted to come into his room to begin with.
"Your hair," She finally notes, making small talk. It was one of first things that caught her attention when he took off his helmet. As long as she's known Jax he's always kept it long.
Running a hand over his short, trimly cut hair, Jax licks his lips and smirks at her again. "Thought it was time for a change. You don't like it?"
The way his tongue drags over his lips sends heat flooding through her veins. "It looks good." She nods.
Everybody's in the club house, Edmond's in the clubhouse, but when Cheyenne sees it, it weakens her resolve. Sees it in the way Jax's eyes light up so bright when he smiles at her. He hasn't changed. This is the same Jax she's always known and loved.
That realization feels like a weight off her heart, like releasing a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
Emotion strangles her throat with the realization that he's back. Not some stranger made hard behind bars. Not a shell of the man she knew and loved.
And while she knows thing can never be what they were before, just having him back is enough to send tears filling her eyes as she lunges for Jax, his open arms reaching for her as she does.
Cheyenne wraps her arms desperately around his neck as she buries her face into the crook of it.
Nuzzling his skin, she sucks in a deep breath of his scent. A smell she's been deprived of for two years. A smell that comforts and sooths her to the deepest parts of her soul.
Everything she's been through the past two years' surfaces with the safety she finds in his arms. She can't hold back the tears that call forth from her broken heart as she clings desperately to him.
In the back of her mind, she knows she shouldn't be holding Jax like this, if someone found them alone and tangled up so close, there would be hell to pay, but she can't make herself let go.
Feeling Jax hold her back just as tight, Cheyenne is reminded how right this is. Jax's hand cradles the back of her head as the other wraps around the curve of her back, holding her flush against him.
Clinging to her, letting her smell fills his lungs, letting the feel of her body and breath bring him back to life, Jax doesn't ever want to let go.
This moment and seeing his kids was all he could think about for the past two years. Getting back to them. Having the girl he loves back in his arms where she is belongs.
But as Jax soaks up the feeling of finally having her back in his arms, he becomes painfully aware she's trembling. Shaking in his arms, her breath shuttered and thick against his neck.
"Chey, you're shaking. What's wrong, babe? What happened while I was gone?" Jax probes, holding her close, burying the side of his face against the shell of her ear and hair.
Wishing he could take it all back. Erase the last two years, stop everything that preceded his incarceration.
Wishing he never left her here alone with that monster. A nightmare he always knew in the pit of his stomach she was stuck in. This was always his fear, what was happening to his family while he was inside.
Shaking her head slowly, Cheyenne doesn't want to get into it. Now isn't the time. She didn't even mean to fall into his arms. The response had just been so visceral she couldn't stop it.
Pulling back, she meets his eyes, but he doesn't let her go.
"It's good to have you home." She smiles weakly, a shadow of sadness still in her eyes as she hides what's ugly with a softer truth.
Gently cupping her cheek, Jax wipes a tear away with his thumb as they stand just a breath apart, eyes locked.
Having her so close, the depth of her gaze, the heat of her breath, the taste of escape, their gaze shifts in a dangerous way. He's missed her so damn much. Deprived of her for far too long.
The pounding in Cheyenne's heart tells her what is coming before she ever feels his lip come down to her own.
The kiss is tentative, careful, and unsure. Their mouths brush faintly with uncertainty before pulling apart.
Jax's head rests against her own, sucking in her breath, his fingers dig into her hair as her whole body sparks to life under his touch.
Her breath grows labored as does his as they lose all good sense.
"Cheyenne…" Jax whispers, his breath warm and begging against her lips like a man starved for far too long.
That's all Cheyenne needs. Having gone without his love for so long. Having gone without him. That was all she needed to fall back into Jax.
Her heart pounds hard as they meet in a fierce kiss.
Jax's hands grab desperately at her face as all reason is cast aside. Their mouths battle, a war of tongues, teeth, and lips.
Stumbling about the room until Cheyenne's back falls heavy against the dorm door as Jax body's pushes flush against her own, pinning her to it.
Desperate for every piece of the other. Their lips devour as Cheyenne wildly grabs for his zipped up hoodie and starts yanking the zipper down.
Like savages ravenous to devour every touch and taste of each other. Jax tugs his jacket free from his arms as hers wrap around his neck and yank him closer. Needing him like she's never needed him before.
Jax kisses her senseless as his arms wrap around the small of her back and pull her body flush against him. Curving her body into his.
Every fiber in Cheyenne is calling Jax's name, her heart races out of control against his touch, his kiss, his taste.
As her heart pounds frantically for him, only him. She had forgotten how deep her love for him ran. How powerful it was.
They move at a frantic pace, like reaching air after nearly drowning, they're desperate for more.
His name sighs heavy off her lips in between kisses as Jax's hands roam urgently over his hips, up her waist, before slipping under her shirt, desperate to touch her skin.
Cheyenne can't breathe against Jax's kiss, can barely think against his touch. She didn't know how badly she wanted this. How badly she missed him until he was truly hers once again.
But a brief moment of clarity hits her hard as Jax starts to tug her shirt off her body. He may still be Jax, but she's not the girl he left behind. She can't be. Not anymore.
Not when it's her kids who pay the price. Not when it's her kids who need her focused and driven to get them free.
With what strength she can muster, Cheyenne pushes Jax back as she stumbles out of his arms and away from him.
"No, no, no…" She keeps repeating on a haphazard breath.
Running her hands through her hair, over her face and her lips. Trying desperately to catch her breath, trying to regain some composure as her body hums with a desperate need to feel his touch again.
Hearing Jax move toward her, Cheyenne throws her hand up in warning.
"Don't." She practically begs him, because she can feel it in her heart. If he touches her again, kisses her again, she's not going to be able to fight this.
"I can't, I can't do this." Cheyenne blurts out, begging herself to believe it, to be strong enough. Strong enough to put her babies first, even before her love for him.
"I can't be alone with you." She finally admits to herself, her words resonating as a sad truth.
Moving for quick the door, Jax steps in front of her, reaching out for her shoulder only to watch her recoil from his touch. "Cheyenne…"
Staring into the eyes of the man she loves so deeply, Cheyenne's heart physical aches in her chest.
"I don't trust myself when I'm alone with you." She whispers out, before pushing past him and out the door.
Going after her, Jax catches Cheyenne before she can get down the hall. Grabbing her arm to halt her, only to drop it as their eyes meet.
"Cheyenne wait, I have to know. Ella… is she?" Jax can't say it, his heart breaks to even say that much, but he has to know.
That day in the prison still haunts him. When Tig caught up with him after a visit with Cheyenne, threw him against a wall when they were finally alone.
Got in his face, demanding to know if was the father of the baby growing inside his daughter.
Cheyenne had told Tig no, said it was Edmond's. But the timing hadn't felt right to Tig and it felt even worse to Jax.
The knowledge that Cheyenne was pregnant again made Jax's stomach hit the floor.
He had been desperate to see Cheyenne, learn the truth, but she wouldn't see him, wouldn't take his calls, and letters were too dangerous.
In his heart he had known, but now he needs to hear it. Needs to hear Cheyenne tell him that beautiful baby girl is his.
Tears fills Cheyenne's eyes but don't falls as she holds Jax's gaze and a defeated breath sighs heavy off her chest.
"What do you think, Jax?" She answers, a stray tear slipping from her eye before she quickly wipes it away.
Without another word, Cheyenne turns away from him and charges back down the hall.
Leaving Jax devastated with the news he always knew in his heart was true, but to finally hear the words, he finds himself being crushed under the weight of it.
The welcome home party at the clubhouse is a blur, Jax just can't get into it.
The women, the booze, the herb, it barely makes his radar. Countless women approach. Sexy hungry women and he's gone so long without one he practically feels like a horny teenager again.
His dick is desperate for release, but the will of his heart and mind are far stronger.
All he can think about is Cheyenne and his kids. His only concern for the last two years and now that he's home, they're the only thing he's focused on.
So once he's sure Edmond is well preoccupied, Jax sneaks off.
His knock is fast and sure on her front door. Jax figures he's the last person she wants to see, but he can't stay away.
The truth about his daughter has churned like poison in his belly all day. Left his mind clouded and preoccupied. He could think of nothing but them, his family.
When Cheyenne opens the door her eyes shoot wide with a start. Her face whips rapidly from side to side as her gaze sweeps up and down the street.
"What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here, Jax." Her panicked breath questions as she clutches Ella closer to her.
Eyeing the baby girl he now knows without a shadow of a doubt is his daughter, Jax feels his heart pick up its pace as his eyes hold glued upon his baby girl.
Her curly golden locks pillowed atop her head with a skull dotted bow, big blue eyes as rich as the sky, with a tiny little doll like mouth.
She looks so much like her mother, but there's something about her he could swear is all him.
Ella stares back at him. Her eyes blinking as Jax wishes with every beat of his heart she knew who he really was. Knew how much he loves her.
"Jax-" He hears Cheyenne snap, her eyes waiting impatiently for him to answer as his gaze returns to her. A silent fear blinding in her eyes.
"Edmond's at the club house. He's gonna be preoccupied for awhile. I just… I had to see them." Jax explains himself on a heavy breath. Has to see his kids like he needs to continue breathing.
Cheyenne holds steadfast for a long moment and Jax is reminded yet again she isn't the same girl he left behind. She's far more protective, scared and it kills him to think of what she's been facing alone, without him, to get her here.
Finally relenting, because she understands that need, that love for their kids, Cheyenne steps aside to let Jax in, closing the door behind him.
As soon as Liam sees who is here he jumps off the couch and races toward Jax.
"Uncle Jax!" The little boy hollers with excitement as he runs to him. Jax meets him on approach, crouching down to his size.
"Hey buddy," Jax smiles as he pulls his son into a big hug. Liam squeezes his neck tightly in return.
"Easy there Buddy, you're choking me. You got quite the grip." Jax laughs as he holds Liam in his arms. Soaking up the feel of having his son so close. Soaking up the strength of his grip. The softness of his silky blonde hair.
Pulling back, Liam's smile stretches from ear to ear.
"I'm happy your home." Liam beams.
Always so sweet. Liam is Cheyenne's sweet boy. He came into this world with a gentle heart. Something Cheyenne thanks God for everyday and prays every night growing up in this home wont steal it from him.
Jax's heart swells with the light in his son's eyes.
"Me too buddy. I'm gonna be here, any time you need me. From here on out." Jax says as he playfully ruffles his hair.
Slowly rising to his feet, Jax's gaze falls to Cheyenne before his eyes drift to the baby girl in her arms, his baby girl and for a moment all the air sucks out of his lungs in awe of her.
Cautiously, he steps to Cheyenne, her eyes barreling with uncertainty and something fiercely protective.
Tenderly his hand sweeps over his daughter's curly hair as her eyes are transfixed with him, taking him in for the second time that day. "Hi baby girl."
His heart grows unbearably heavy; emotion thickens his breath as Ella suddenly reaches out for him. Her tiny arms extended out, asking the only way she can for him to take her.
Here is his baby girl, his daughter that lives in a nightmare, believing another man is her father, a man that hurts her mother, and he's done nothing to protect her from that. Her or her brother. The guilt and regret that comes with that truth feels crushing on Jax's chest.
With an edge of uncertainty Cheyenne hands Ella to Jax, her cautious eyes barreling into his.
Jax's senses feel overwhelmed the moment he holds his daughter for the first time.
Overwhelmed with the weight of her in his arms. With the sweet baby smell surrounding her like an aura. The feel of her velvet skin beneath his rough hands.
Somehow she seems so much more delicate than he remembers Liam being. Something about her being his baby girl.
His heart pounds wildly as he gazes at her. And as she smiles at him in delight, her delicate little hand reaching out to play with his goatee, Jax's finally breaks.
Warm tears slide silently down his face as a pained smile widens on his lips.
Dad's should protect their little girl's and he's failed them so completely. The people he was should have protected before anyone else. The only people that should have mattered. Above the club, the patch, Clay, and his mom, but he had failed.
Jax can't fight the pain that comes with realizing he missed so much. Missed the first sixteen months of her life. Never got to see her growing in Cheyenne's belly and when he did see it with Liam, he didn't know how important it was.
He missed his kids being born. Missed giving Cheyenne support as she brought them into this world.
He missed their first kick, their first steps, their first words.
He missed so much living a lie that he had falsely convinced himself for so long helped him keep them safe, but now Jax sees it never kept them safer.
It just kept his dirty secrets and kept him away from the people who mattered most.
Leaning down, Jax rests his head gently against Ella's forehead as he breathes her in and his tears continue to fall.
In that moment he swears it all changes from here. He's going to do whatever it takes to keep them safe. To protect his kids.
"I love you so much." His voice cracks as the words break free.
Sucking back the tears, Jax's face rises, his tear stained face turns to meet Cheyenne.
"I'm so sorry." He apologizes.
For doing this to her. For putting two kids on her the world could never know were his. Leaving her here alone to raise them with that monster. For being the kind of father he swore he'd never be. He had his reasons, he knows he did. They both did. But none of that matters anymore.
Watching as tears hinge in her eyes, but never fall, Jax reaches out for Cheyenne. Pulling her to him and into a tender kiss that speaks like an apology.
Cheyenne lingers at his lips, before slowly pulling back.
Her gaze falls to her son seated on the couch watching them so carefully. Taking a step back from Jax a guilt finds her again.
She holds so much guilt where Liam is concerned. He's a good boy, but he's seen too much. Been through too much.
And seeing his mom kissing Jax she fears will be just another moment of confusion in his short turbulent life.
She never wanted this chaos for him, this uncertainty, but she's determine to get him and his sister a better life. Get them out of this mess once and for all. As clean and painlessly as she can. And hopefully one day she can tell him the truth.
Turning back to Jax the words Cheyenne's says next change everything.
"My babies aren't mistakes. I don't want your apologizes. I want your help."
Note: I had originally wanted to miraculously spare Liam the horrors of his home life, but being the realist I am, I couldn't. I don't believe you can hide your kids from abuse. If it's happening in their home, in their life, even if not directly to them, they're going to know. Kids are amazingly observant. They know even what we don't want them to. So even though I had not originally wanted to, Liam will in some way end up like Abel. In the sense that he was sort of the sacrificed lamb out of Jax's kids. Being the oldest, he saw too much, endured too much. And Liam being five now, growing up in all this dysfunction, he is aware of it now too. And it will manifest itself in it's own way.
With that said, what do you think? The stakes just keep getting higher. Will Cheyenne be able to break free? What's her plan? Can Jax help her and his kids? Oh and I always liked the idea of Jax having a daughter. I always imagined he'd be very sweet with his baby girl. Let me know what you like, what you don't like, everything's fair game. And Thank you to everyone who has hung in here with this twisted story.