Author's Note: Heyyyyy. Don't kill me. I won't bore you with a long note, but long story short, I've been having a shitty year, so I lost motivation to write for a while. but I'm back! Enjoy!(?)

"SLYTHERIN!"

Alex blinked at the sudden brightness of the Great Hall as the Hat was lifted off of his head. A loud cheer went up at the rightmost table. Alex assumed that they were the Slytherins.

Slytherin. The Evil House™. Their house symbol was even a snake, a notoriously cunning and dangerous reptile. Not to mention the countless dark witches and wizards that were brought up in those very common rooms. All of these thoughts ran through Alex's head as he hesitantly made his way towards his table. The things he'd heard about Slytherin didn't exactly paint it a good picture. Sly, dark, scary, unreliable. The commons were in the dungeons, and everything was creepy. Worst of all, it was most likely freezing cold down there.

Alex was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even pay attention to where he was sitting until he almost sat on someone.

"Hamilton! Watch where you're going."

Alex stumbled and stood back up, flustered. "Shit, sorry Burr. Didn't see you there."

Burr sighed and straightened his robes, looking slightly ruffled. "It's fine. Don't do it again."

Alex nodded, red, and sat down on the bench opposite him. He eyed the people around him warily, expecting someone to jinx him or suddenly summon Voldemort back from the dead.

"Hey."

Alex jumped and his hand shot to his pocket where his wand was. He turned and came face-to-face with the very pretty girl sitting next to him.

"Look, I don't want any trouble, I can move seats if you want, it's-"

The girl raised an eyebrow. "Chill. I just wanted to ask if you could pass the gravy."

Alex looked at the table and realized with a start that, in his nervousness, he hadn't even noticed the entire buffet that had appeared in front of him.

"Oh, uh, sure. Here." he handed the golden platter of gravy to the girl.

"Thanks. I'm Maria by the way."

"Er, Alex." he stuck out his hand to shake but was met only with a confused look. Apparently, it wasn't a custom here in England. Or America. Or anywhere he went.

"You're cute," she said. Then she turned away, leaving him even redder than before.

This must've been a mistake. Did he sit down at the wrong table? Nobody here looked evil. There he had been, expecting the Slytherins to all have fangs or something, when in fact the guy right next to him almost cried when a spider jumped onto his plate. Everyone around him started laughing as the kid tried to hex the spider away. Then the spider swelled to twice its size, and no one was laughing anymore.

"Reducio!" Burr pocketed his wand and stood up, glaring at everyone. "Now, kindly return to your seats and stop the fuss, or that spider won't be the only thing getting reduced here."

All of the boys averted their eyes and sat back down while the girls snickered. Alex smiled inwardly and reached across the table to help himself to some minced beef pie. And some mashed potatoes. And some turkey legs. Lots of turkey legs.

As helping after helping slowly disappeared off of his plate, Alex began to drowsily tune into the lull of conversations around him.

"... can you believe that?"

"Give me the word and I'll hex the sorry wanker..."

"... I bet you can't fit that entire slice into your mouth."

"Challenge accepted."

"No. No. Susie, that's- ew! No! I don't need to hear about your sex life!"

"... excited for Quidditch season?"

"No."

"What? I thought you loved Quidditch, mate!"

"Yeah, I did until the Ravenclaw Beater 'accidentally aimed in the wrong direction.'"

"Was that the one you broke up with the day of his birthday?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"... I personally completely agree with the Headmaster, of course. Ever since the Exchange Program started up, there have been more and more Americans here."

Alex perked up and subtly turned toward where the conversation was coming from.

"It's disrupting the balance at Hogwarts. Hogwarts used to be the most prestigious Wizarding school in England, but now it's as if anyone can just get in."

The speaker was a brown haired boy, and he was addressing a curious crowd of onlookers who had all turned in their seats to listen to his ramble.

"Look," the boy said," I'm all for giving everyone an equal opportunity, but I simply don't think that the sudden influx of transfer students is healthy."

Before Alex knew it, he had stood up and crossed his arms. "That's all very hypocritical, isn't it?"

A murmur went up in the surrounding students and the boy turned to face him, looking affronted. Burr groaned in his seat and muttered a prayer.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Alex replied, "you're contradicting yourself. It's not equal opportunity if potential students are denied education at Hogwarts only because it's 'disrupting the balance.'"

The boy sputtered and flushed pink. "I- well, you see-"

"Look," Alex strode over to where the boy was stuttering and jabbed a finger in his chest. "What's your name?"

"Er, S- Samuel. Seabury."

"Well okay, Seabury, listen to this. I am an immigrant. Not just from America, but also from the West Indies. My entire life, I've met people like you. People who claim they're for equality then tell me I'm not welcome. There's something that you all don't seem to understand, and it's the fact that there is no other reason to your prejudice than your dislike of people who aren't like you. The transfer students here aren't stealing your grades. They're not bullying you or threatening you in any way. What are you so scared of?"

"This is what I meant!" Seabury laughed nervously and his eyes darted around the entranced crowd of students. "Don't you guys see? These Americans are going around, picking fights for no reason!"

Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened the grip on the wand that he hadn't realized he was clutching. "For no reason?" Alex asked incredulously.

A hand came down on his shoulder, but he didn't flinch. "Alexander, that's enough," Burr said warningly. Alex shrugged it off.

"For no reason, Seabury? For no reason? That's funny, because I seem to recall that you were the one who started this all by announcing your protest against transfer students coming here."

"I- I was only voicing my opinions! Or is that not allowed?"

"I'LL RESPECT YOUR OPINIONS AS LONG AS THEY DON'T DISRESPECT SOMEONE ELSE'S EXISTENCE!" Alex roared.

Seabury seemed to be too stunned by his outburst to respond. By now, their shouting had attracted almost the entire Great Hall's attention.

"Tell 'im, Alex!" John hollered, two tables away. The rest of the gang cackled.

Seabury grasped for words. "Well- I mean- freedom of speech- I'm allowed to voice my opinions-"

"You can shove your polluted opinions up your ass for all I care."

"That's enough," Burr barked. Seabury took the opportunity and skirted away, and Alex rounded on Burr angrily.

"Don't pull that shit with me, Burr. Sitting there all goody two shoes while people like him mock us. Drop the niceties!"

"Shhhh!" A Hufflepuff turned and glared at Alex. "The Headmaster is about to speak."

Alex huffed and stomped back to his seat. If Burr hadn't interrupted, he could have taught that Seabury a lesson or two.

"Ahem," the strange man at the staff table- the Headmaster- stood up. "Silence, everybody," he trilled, smiling.

The buzzing of conversations dipped in volume, but continued on.

The Headmaster's smile disappeared instantly. "I said, SILENCE!"

The candles flickered out, and the Great Hall instantly quieted with his change of mood. You could probably hear a pin drop, if anyone happened to be carrying around a pin and was clumsy enough to drop it at that precise moment. No one did. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath.

"There we go," the Headmaster said, smiling again. "Not that hard, is it?" The Hall brightened again with a wave of his wand. Then, stepping forward, he spread his hands.

"Welcome, children, to Hogwarts! I am your Headmaster, George William Frederick the Third. Today marks the beginning of another splendid year, if I do say so myself. I would like to personally say to the new transfer students: welcome! And to the returning ones, welcome back! As the Chief of the American Exchange Program and a proud supporter of the National Exchange Program, I am delighted to say that our school boasts a diverse student population. Your stay here, although brief, is all made possible by me! Your expenses are paid for from my own pockets, of course. Not that money is a problem. Ha! However, as I always like to say, quid pro quo. Something for something, yes? Hopefully, Hogwarts will be getting as much as it's giving, if you know what I mean…"

Alex raised an eyebrow incredulously. What?

"Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is this. Have fun! Make yourself at home here. You are all my favorite subjects- erm, students! Ahem! Sorry, nasty cold going around." George coughed delicately into his hand. "Just know that I love each and every one of you. And if push comes to shove, well. I won't hesitate to remind you of that."

A smatter of murmuring went up at this. Alex frowned.

The Headmaster coughed again. "Well. Pleasant talk. I think that it's about time you all went to bed, yes? Goodnight!"

The Hall immediately dispersed into chaos as students pushed their benches back noisily and began to talk. Alex absentmindedly followed his house down a corridor to the left, his mind still on the speech that had just been made. He didn't understand most of what had just gone down, but he was sure about one thing.

This Headmaster was batshit crazy.