What Does Love Mean

(when everything hurts)

Rain marked every new day he woke up. The constant sound of rainfall calmed Kise as he stood up slowly from his bed. He groaned and pushed himself up into a fetal position. His head pounded and his heart beat wildly in his chest. He clenched at his chest, willing for the pain to go away. To stop. But it never does.

Last night couldn't have been real, he couldn't have seen-

But the pain in his head and ache in his chest told him otherwise.

It started out as a simple basketball party. The Miracles meeting up again at Kuroko and Kagami's place. It started out nice, chatting with old teammates and meeting others. Some, like Kise, stopped their basketball careers. The party went on. Kise had fun, drank a ton, danced with friends and strangers alike, and he was sure that he'd kissed more than one as well.

He remembered how drunk he'd felt, but he kept drinking. He remembered the way Kagami shot him a worried glance when he was led into a spare bedroom with a girl he didn't know. How he'd lazily waved back a reinsurance. How he'd thought everything was alright again. And how he'd panicked when the girl's mouth was too close to his groin for his liking, her hands straying to far into his pants, her breath too close to his ear. And how he'd slapped her away, because oh god oh god her eyes were blue, too blue, and he couldn't handle it anymore. Because they were his blue.

Thinking back, he doesn't even recall if her eyes were even really that blue.

"What does love mean to you, Mr. Kise?" The therapist asked, eyebrows furrowed in fake sympathy, a pencil ready to write whatever lies Kise was about to spew out. Only this time, Kise couldn't find the heart to lie again.

"I...I don't know." He answered finally.

"That is a very interesting answer, Mr. Kise. Can you think about anyone that you love? Your parent, perhaps?"

Kise almost laughed out loud. Like his parents ever did anything for him. The therapist noticed his lack of response. "Alright then, siblings, friends, a high school sweetheart?"

Yeah...right.

Kise forced himself onto the streets, not bothering with an umbrella. He walked briskly to a bus stop, eager to go anywhere but back home, back to his memories, back to there. Out here in the rain, he could forget. Out here in the rain, the sky was no longer blue and the sun no longer shined a brilliant yellow. The world was no longer bright. And Kise loved it.

He'd forgotten how long he's gone without color in his life. How long he's stopped seeing them. But when he's out in the rain, he sees what everyone else sees: A gray, gray world. A broken, dark, gray world. And Kise loved it.

"When you think about love, Mr. Kise, what do you associate it with?

The color blue. Dark blue. Dark, dark blue, like-

"Anything at all, Mr. Kise?"

The dark blue like his eyes, like the color he would dye his hair, like-

"Try to just think, Mr. Kise."

Like...like him. Just like him. He, to Kise, was love. His blue as well, that was love.

"...No, nothing." Kise replied.

Kise's lost count of how many minutes he's been standing at the bus stop when he realized the bus doesn't come on Sundays. His body still hurt from the way he'd been grabbed by Kagami after the Kise had yelled at the girl to get out, after she'd ran out the house crying. It still hurt from the the Kagami had thrown him back to Kise's own house, telling to 'go get a grip'.

Like he would ever.

Not after all the blue in his world disappeared with that person. And all the yellows, greens, reds, everything in between, along with him. The only thing that was left was gray. Gray like a sky on a rainy day. Gray like the puddles he'd make with his shoes. Gray like everything he's feeling. Gray.

None of it was blue.

And Kise would just have to wait until that person came and brought the blue back.

Like he would ever.

"Love. Think about that word, Mr. Kise. Now what kind of emotions did it stir up just now, Mr. Kise?"

Anger. Sadness. Desperation. Fear. Loss.

Pain.

"Joy? Happiness?"

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.

"Anything at all with that word?"

Just pain. You stirred up nothing but pain, Mr. Therapist, Kise thought. But of course he couldn't say that.

"I felt nothing. Nothing at all."

The world used to be so bright. Yellow and blue were his favorite combination. He loved the radiance of the yellow contrasting with the darker hue of the blue. It was gorgeous. Kise planned out his wedding based off those colors. And that person was obviously going to wear a stunning black suit with a blue bow tie while he gets a white suit with a yellow one.

The person didn't really care much for his fantasies, but he'd let Kise go off on long rants about their future. About them. Together. And they'll have the brightest futures ever. Yellow and Blue. It was perfect. Kise couldn't wait.

But now, it's not like he can.

He made his way over to a convenience store, buying a six pack of beer and flashing his ID to a wary cashier. He downed three before he even reached the steps of his home. Cracking open a fourth one and taking a large swing, he just wished he could close his eyes. With only two and a half cans left, he knew he had to save some for later, but he finished the fourth one anyway. What's the big deal? It's not like he's never overdosed on alcohol before.

The habit's becoming more frequent now, but Kise didn't care. The beer made his world darker. Grayer.

And when Kise finally cracked open the door to his apartment, without even stripping out of his wet clothes, he finally allowed his world to go black.

"Do you have a name in mind when you think of love, Mr. Kise?"

It was a name Kise would rather forget. But nevertheless, the name resurfaced from the depths of his memory like an annoying song, repeating itself like a broken cassette, whispering into his head over and over again until he couldn't stand it, until he wanted to stab himself through the head to stop it. Until he wanted to break his own skull open, rip the name from his brain, and fling it into some unknown, dark abyss where all his colors have gone, and maybe, just maybe he'll be sane again.

Of course he had a fucking name in mind.

Of course he did. But it's not like he would ever tell Mr. Smiling Therapist over here.

Kise woke with a groan on a bed.

That was not where he fell asleep. He shot up, only to have the four beers he's had before take full effect. He groaned as he lifted his head, finding himself staring straight at a face before him. He screamed, then tried punching the figure, only to realize he couldn't see the person anymore.

"Kise. It's me, Kuroko." Kise looked up as he tried to locate the sound against his roaring headache.

"I'm right beside you." Kuroko's voice seemed to echo as he tried to pinpoint where his friend was. Then he felt a gentle grip on his shoulder. "Calm down, Kise. It's just me. Try to tell me what happened? We were just checking up on you, making sure you were alright from last night. Why did you end up blacked out in your apartment? Kagami wanted to send you to the hospital."

Thank goodness he didn't. Or Kise might actually go crazy. He didn't need to go to the hospital. He was fine. He was fine. And he didn't need to see any doctor. Kagami had already forced a therapist on him, he didn't need 24/7 watch from another fake "professional."

He knew he should at least tell Kuroko what happened. Kuroko would understand. But he can't. Not when his heart burns just from the mere thought of thinking about him. About the blue. About the colors.

Kuroko opened his mouth after a long pause,"I understand if you don't want to talk about the night of-"

Kise screamed and flung a hand out before he could stop himself. His hand, instead of connecting with his friend's cheek, was stopped by the arm of a glaring Kagami.

"What. the. hell. Kise?" The redhead asked through clenched teeth. "Kuroko begged me to not drag you to the hospital, and this is how you thank him? And I was about to give you food too." He pointed at a tray that was now dropped on the floor.

Kise blinked as he tried to locate the object Kagami was pointing to. Then he gasped as his actions finally sunk in. "I'm so sorry Kuroko! Are you alright? I didn't hurt you right?"

"No, I'm fine, Kise." Kuroko replied, settling down Kagami with a look. "Now, can you explain? You don't...you don't need to talk about...the incident if you don't want to. We just wanted to make sure you're safe."

He was fine. He had to be fine. He was fine. Fine.

Unlike him.

"I'm okay." Kise answered after a pause.

"You're not." Kuroko said flatly. "I'm not leaving until you answer me. Are you alright? Getting enough sleep? You look horrible, by the way. And you passed out for a long time. I know that he's...well, I know that it's hard but you just need to talk with someone. Please, Kise."

No, Kuroko didn't understand anything. Kise tried to avoid his friend's piercing gaze as he lied through his teeth. "I'm fine. I just...I just got overwhelmed and wanted to sleep."

"On the floor. Of your kitchen." Kuroko's eyes bore into his, and Kise felt his very soul being ripped out and examined. Kuroko always had that effect on him. A couple months ago, he would've appreciated the concern. But now? He just wanted to be left alone.

"Yeah." Kise said sheepishly, heart pounding too fast, because oh god, what if Kuroko finds out? He'll ban alcohol for a month, for a year, who knows? And Kise couldn't have that. "Look, can I just go back now?"

"No." Kuroko deadpanned.

Dammit. He couldn't handle this interrogation at the moment. He needed alone time. He needed rain. (He needed the blue. He needed it so bad that his heart clenched and threatened to stop for every second he was without it. Yet at the same time, he didn't. Because he knew the blue would ruin him. He knew if he saw the blue again, he would've officially gone crazy. He knew it.)

"And uh, I never got to give this to you..." Kagami said awkwardly as he interrupted his friends' staring contest and handed Kise a slip of paper. "He, uh, he wanted you to have this. I'm not sure if you want it or not."

Of course he didn't. Goddammit.

"Mr. Kise, can you tell me any reasons for your trauma?"

Of fucking course he can. Like Kise will ever forget how fucking red everything was and how-

"Anything at all?"

And how his beloved basketball uniform was stained with the red and and and suddenly Kise was kneeling on the pavement next to that red and the red wouldn't stop it wouldn't stop and please god, anyone, help. Help, help! And Kise could see was red and more red and none of that blue and it was raining too. Yes, it was raining and the red was being washed away and then and then and then he couldn't see the blue anymore because oh god oh god no. No, no, no, no, no. And the rain just kept coming and the sky turned so gray it was intoxicating. And then people were dragging him away, away from the blue, from his blue. And suddenly Kise couldn't see anything. It was just gray, gray, gray. And the rain kept pouring the reds and greens and yellows and blues from his world, and he couldn't so anything to stop it he couldn't stop it and it was all too much because oh gosh, oh gosh, just let me be at his side for a little longer, just a little longer.

Please.

"Mr. Kise? Mr. Kise?"

And he was crying so much his tears blurred his vision even more and suddenly he couldn't see at all and then the blue he tried so hard to envision just wouldn't appear in his head. And then he was screaming so loud he was sure his throat has burst and then he wanted to bust because then the pain will actually be physical, and please, please, please no, no, no. He couldn't be, he just couldn't. And then they put him away in that ambulance that was supposed to flash red and blue but for some reason it was flashing gray and Kise couldn't take it anymore because no no. Let me be with him. Let me see him. And don't leave me here. I can't be without you. I can't live without you. Please come back. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me. I need you. I love you. I will always love you. So please...

Kise blinked back into reality.

"I'm sorry if I pushed you too hard, Mr. Kise."

Kise didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the comment.

"No, it's fine. I'm fine."

Kise sneaked out of Kuroko and Kagami's house at the dead of night, a bottle of pills he'd stole in his hand, the note in the other.

He slowly made his way to the bus stop, wishing for it to rain again.

Thankfully, the buses ran late on Tuesdays. He got on one, then made his way to the farthest stop from his home as possible. Getting off, he found the nearest motel he could find to crash for a night.

Or for all eternity.

He took a couple of the pills out. Whatever they were, they should work. As long as he had enough to overdose, right? Shaking, he got into the bathroom, then looked at himself in the mirror. The face that stared back didn't look like himself at all. His eyes were blank and devoid of emotion, his hair oily, his face dry, and his lips cracked. Just a couple months ago, he would never have let himself look this way. But now...

The pills, stupidly, annoyingly, thankfully, were blue. Blue. The very color that brought him so much happiness and pain is finally going to end it all. He took the bottle, and used his other to open the bottle head. The note he'd been clutching onto fell onto the floor. Dammit. He'd meant to throw it away. Nevertheless, his curiosity got the better of him and he knew he'd have to read it.

Just before he leaves.

Hey, Idiot.

Want to get some Maji burger after my game? You're so busy modeling and doing stupid stuff we haven't been able to sit down and eat together. If you tease me about this note, you're dead! And you better come eat, okay? No hugging me screaming about this either. Or telling Moimoi or Kuroko! They won't let me live this down! I'm getting take out so we can watch movies. Relax and stop stressing about the shoot, moron!

Love you, I guess.

(What the hell. If you wanted to eat with me then why did you -)

(Then why did you leave me?)

(Why?)

Kise fought back tears as he crumbled the note in one hand.

Love you, I guess.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. "Fuck you." Kise whispered. "Why? Why did you leave me here then?"

Love you, I guess.

"Do you even know how lonely I've been?"

Love you, I guess.

"I've been sleeping around more than you have in high school now!"

Love you, I guess.

"And drinking more than you and Kagami during those stupid contests you always had!"

Love you, I guess.

"So what the fuck? If you love me, why?"

Love you, I guess.

"Fuck you, Aomine."

Love you, I guess.

Love you, I guess.

Love you, I guess.

"Yeah, I love you too. Forever."

"I love you, Kise Ryouta. So, uh, marry me?"

Morning. At Kagami's. Love you, idiot.

"Oi, Kise, I love you."

"Hey Kise love, I love you."

"What do you mean calling you love and saying love is redundant? Geez!"

"Hey love, did you know that I love you? Love you, you know, love. I love you."

Got the expensive make up just for you, idiot! (Be back soon. I'm getting food. Don't worry, love)

"I love you, Kise."

Don't forget to eat! Stupid Kise (Love you though)

"Hey Kise, wanna make love?"

"Don't hit me! Oi! No I don't just want sex! I love you!...okay maybe just a little sex-Ow!"

Stupid model. Stupid shoot. Come back home soon, okay? Love you stupid.

"Welcome home, Kise love."

Game tonight. Come back late. Love you, moron Kise.

"Hey, I'm coming back later than planned. The game is dragging! Don't worry and don't wait, okay? Love you."

"Oh and check with Kagami for a note. It's nothing I can't say now, but...argh just read it okay? Be back soon. Oh, and no teasing about the message! And no calling back to ask what it is. You actually have to go to Kagami! Haha, pay back for last time with Tetsu, huh! Teach you not to make me run errands just so I could say hi to that stupid couple! Okay, game's almost done. Eat dinner! Love you, Kise love."

Love you, I guess.

Don't leave me here. I can't be without you. I can't live without you. Please come back. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me. I need you. I love you. I will always love you. So please...

Come back.

And his world went dark.

They found his body collapsed on the floor of a motel. He was cold to the touch, with pills filling up his throat and mouth. But most of them made it into his system, making his blood pump too fast and his stomach bleed. Inside his hand, was a single, crumbled up piece of paper. When police managed to untangle it from his fingers, the note was too stained with blood to read.

-Name: Kise Ryouta.

-Age: Twenty-eight.

-Occupation: A model, although he'd quit for mysterious reasons just a couple months before.

-Cause of death: Suicide, most likely overdose. Also found large amounts of alcohol in his system.

-Reason for death: Unknown.

Since it was ruled as a suicide, no one was blamed or tried.

But who can you blame when the killer was love itself?

Love you, I guess.

But what does love even mean when all it brings is pain?

Notes:

Honestly, I'm quite disappointed in this one. Nevertheless, here it is! You can interpret how Aomine died however you'd like, I'd love to hear them! I do have a "how" in mind (the clues are scattered in the story), but I left it vague on purpose.

I hope you enjoyed this one, although I didn't really like it. It's funny how something I spend hours and hours upon get read in a short span of minutes...I changed the plot multiple times to fit how I wanted it to be but...Argh. Writing.

Thank you for everyone who supported me in my first Aokise fic (Restart), you're all so sweet! I wanted to give you this as a thanks, but I get it if you don't quite like it T_T

Thank you for reading!