THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 24 – Avery Specter

After eight hours of overnight labour, Donna had settled back into her hospital room and had fallen asleep.

Harvey couldn't sleep.

His body clock said it was brunch time, his brain said he needed to work, his heart wanted to see his daughter. He sat with Donna for an hour before deciding she'd probably be sleeping for a while and it was pointless for him to sit around just watching her. He pulled the blankets up around her shoulders and kissed her lightly on her forehead. He was still in awe at what she'd done and he wanted to remember every second of his daughter's birth. This – without question – was the greatest moment of his entire life, and his two girls were easily the best part of him.

He asked a nurse to give him a call on his cell as soon as Donna woke and he made his way to the elevators. The café was on the ground floor, but as he stood waiting for an elevator to arrive, he suddenly felt an urge to check on his baby. He felt a bit strange going to see her without Donna, but he figured she'd ask about her the second she woke up anyway, so it would be a good thing if he had an update.

He walked down the corridor, following the signs to the NICU. It had only been just over two hours since his daughter was born and he didn't know what to expect from the unit she'd been taken to. He hovered in the doorway and all he could see were rows of plastic cots, walls of beeping machines and nurses dressed in pink overalls. He wondered if there was a visiting protocol, before deciding he didn't really care and he pressed the buzzer outside the door. A nurse with dark hair and round glasses opened the door with a big smile.

"Erm … hi … my daughter has just been born and I wondered if there was any news."

The nurse smiled widely and sympathetically, sensing the all-too-familiar concern of a new dad. Harvey wondered how many hundred – maybe thousands – of fathers she'd greeted with the exact same expression on their faces as he had on his.

"Baby Paulsen?" she asked.

Harvey nodded his head and resisted the urge to correct her name to 'Specter'. "How is she?"

"Why don't you come in and see for yourself?"

Harvey gulped and followed the nurse's lead. There must have been twenty babies in the room, all of them housed in incubators and all of them covered in tubes and wires. He passed a tiny red-skinned baby boy whose woollen blue hat looked to be about ten sizes too big for him. He felt guilty for the momentary relief he felt that Avery was double the size of that poor baby boy.

"Here she is," said the nurse as she ushered Harvey toward the last incubator in the room – tucked away in the far left corner.

Harvey peered into the plastic 'cage' at the tiny, sleeping baby and his heart melted and he couldn't stop tears springing from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. How the hell had this happened to him? How did he get to this point? He hadn't planned any of this, but now that she was here and he had Donna, he had never felt more in love or more ecstatic than he did at this precise moment in time.

The baby was wearing a tiny white hat that he presumed Louis – or Esther – had included in the emergency 'baby bag' he'd had to rustle up earlier in the week. She was also wearing an enormous diaper, pink plastic tags bearing the name 'Paulsen' were fastened around her ankle and wrist, and wires were stuck to her chest with little round band aids. One of her hands was bandaged up and fastened with a clip with a wire which led to a different machine to the chest wires. He was thankful she didn't have any tubes on her face like some of the other babies. He imagined Donna would find that more than a little bit terrifying.

"How is she doing?" Harvey asked the nurse after he managed to compose himself and gather his thoughts.

"She's absolutely fine. She is struggling to breath on her own, but that's entirely to be expected for a baby born at 33 weeks and 5 days. She's sleeping and she's been very peaceful since she arrived."

"Do you know how long she's going to be in here?"

"Could be days or weeks – no way of knowing yet, but I've worked here for almost fifteen years and your baby looks like a very strong little lady. My name is Linda by the way."

"Harvey Specter," he said formally through force of habit, as he shook Linda's hand.

"I hope she isn't here long … erm … my girlfriend will want to be able to hold her."

"She can hold her while she's in here."

"She can?" Harvey was surprised. There was something so very clinical about intensive care and all of those wires and machines, he hadn't even expected he'd be able to just stroll into the room. "Can I hold her too?"

Linda smiled broadly at him. He decided she had a very kind face and that he liked her. "Of course you can. Did you not get a chance when she was born?"

"No, it was all so quick. I think Donna only held her for a minute before they took her away."

"I know that's tough," she said. "As soon as she wakes up a little, you can hold her. There's no visiting hours for parents on NICU. You and Donna can come see her anytime. Do you know how you'll be feeding her?"

"Uhm? What do you mean?"

Linda smiled again. "Breast or bottle?"

Harvey looks confused. He hadn't had this conversation with Donna yet. He twisted his mouth and made his apologies for not having a clue.

"Okay, don't worry. Baby won't need feeding straight away so as soon as your partner is ready to come down we'll see what she wants to do. I must warn you that the baby may not be strong enough to breastfeed yet, but if your partner expresses her milk we can give it to her by drip feed or directly into her tummy. If she doesn't want to breastfeed then we can start with formula straight away and show you how to make bottles up."

Harvey was still none the wiser. He couldn't imagine Donna wanting to breastfeed. Express? What the hell did that mean? And bottles need 'making'? Damn, why didn't he finish reading that stupid book he'd bought?

As he peered into the incubator, the baby stirred slightly and yawned. Harvey felt his heart melt again as he watched her little legs jerk upwards. "Why's she doing that?" he asked.

"Startle reflex. Don't worry, that's normal for all babies too."

He felt like an idiot. He cursed the book he didn't finish yet again.

"Looks like she's waking up." Linda pulled out a clipboard and took some readings from the wall of machines that were lined up behind the baby's incubator. Harvey watched her scribble away for a few moments while his daughter's eyes opened and closed. "Do you want to hold her now?"

Suddenly Harvey felt a rush of panic and inadequacy. He had an overwhelming fear that he might – somehow – break her. "Are you sure it's safe to?" he asked, his brow knotted into a frown.

Linda placed her hands gently on his arm and gave him a quizzical smile. "I've been working here fifteen years, Harvey. Trust me."

Harvey gulped and wondered if he should be doing this without Donna, but as he watched Linda gently adjust the wires and wrap the baby in a blanket, he figured it was too late for him to shit the bed and run. Linda motioned for him to sit down in a chair with sturdy wooden armrests and she passed his daughter to him, making sure she positioned him correctly.

Harvey was frozen, his eyes locked onto the tiny pink person he had helped bring into the world. Her eyes opened and she looked up at him. She had his dark eyes and he beamed with pride. She was his. He watched as she screwed her nose up and he decided she had Marcus's nose and her mouth? Well, he couldn't be sure, but he thought it was the exact same shape as his dad's. He couldn't wait to tell Donna, but then he realised she'd go bananas and tease him mercilessly for claiming their daughter 100% Specter. He wondered about something. He peaked under the baby's hat and saw her hair was light, instead of dark like his. He squinted at the few strands of hair he could see and he was sure he could see a flash of copper under the soft lights of the room. His daughter was a redhead. Of course she goddamn was!

"Does she have a name yet?" asked Linda.

"Avery. Avery Lourdes Elizabeth Specter."

"That's beautiful," said Linda as she took a marker pen and scrawled "AVERY SPECTER" in large letters onto a sticker stuck onto the side of the incubator. Harvey smiled as he gazed between his daughter and her name. It was the first time he'd seen her name written down and it was the best looking assemblage of letters he'd ever seen. The name suited her perfectly.

He sat holding and rocking his daughter for a solid ten minutes as Linda and the other nurses got on with their work. He felt a bit silly but he found himself talking to her. He kept his voice low and he talked to her about all the things he wanted to buy for her and all the places he wanted to take her. Rocking horses, dolls houses, ballet lessons, tea parties, pony riding … trips to Disneyland, beach vacations to the Caribbean and Mexico … but then he stopped. Something clicked inside his brain and he sighed heavily as he watched his tiny daughter fall back to sleep, her whole world and happiness dependent upon him. "Forget all of that stuff," he said with a lump in his throat. "I know that's not important. I'm going to give you me. I'm going to give you time. I'm going to play with you, cuddle you, love you and I'm going to be there for you. And I'm going to be there for your mom too, because I love her. I've always loved her. You're both my family and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you're both safe and happy."

"Is she sleeping now?"

Harvey inhaled deeply. His eyes were watery, but he didn't care. He was too happy to care about stupid things like showing 'weakness' anymore. He smiled at Avery and gave her a little kiss on the top of her head.

"Feels good, doesn't it? Becoming a dad. Is it your first time?"

"Sure is," replied Harvey.

"So how long have you two been together?"

Harvey stumbled because he wasn't sure of the correct answer. Was it thirteen years or was it six months? "Six months I guess," he said with a laugh, "but we've seen each other every day for the last thirteen years. We work together."

"Wow!" said Linda. "I guess there's a story there."

"You bet your life there is," laughed Harvey. "And I'd probably need another six months to tell you all about it."

"You guys must be soulmates."

"We certainly are."

Linda bent down to place the baby back into the incubator and Harvey stood, suddenly aware of his growling stomach. "I'll be back later," he said.

"You will and you'll be here for a few days at least," replied Linda. "Now go get yourself some lunch. Come back as soon as you're both ready."

X X X

Harvey had left the NICU with a huge grin plastered across his face and he had managed to devour a filled bagel and cup of coffee in less than five minutes. The café food was decent, but after a week of grabbing quick meals, he was growing a bit tired of the choices available.

Donna was still sleeping when he returned to her room. He'd paid for the largest room the hospital could offer, complete with a good sized en-suite bathroom, so he sat down in the armchair he'd developed a passion for and started to read through some papers he'd brought from work … and then he realised. It was 11.30am now and he hadn't called anybody to give them the news. He hadn't called work, he hadn't called his brother and he hadn't called Donna's parents. He figured Donna would want to call her parents, but would she want them to know first? He picked his cell phone out of his pocket and he noticed seven missed calls. All from the office. He realised that sealed the deal and he stepped out into the hallway to call Jessica.

X X X

The direct line to Jessica's office rang three times before she answered.

"Harvey, where the hell are you? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is absolutely awesome here," said Harvey, completely unable to contain his happiness.

"What? You mean …?"

"Yup. I'm a dad." He heard a weird squeal come through his phone. What the hell? Was that Jessica?

"I'm sorry for shrieking," she said quickly. "I'm just so goddamn excited. Congratulations! I can't believe you've got yourself a family there, Harvey. Please make sure you don't fuck it up."

Harvey grimaced. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You know what I mean. So, you'd better give me time and weight …"

"7.35 a.m. Four pounds seven ounces."

"Oh, that's small, Harvey."

"Yeah, I know, but she's doing well. I mean she'll be in the NICU for a few days, but she's great. She's alert and her little arms and legs are moving around. She just needs a bit of help to breathe because her lungs weren't ready for her to be born so early."

"That's good news, Harvey. I know we've all been worried here, but she's bound to be a tough cookie. She'll have her parents … well, Donna … to thank for that."

"Again, thanks."

Jessica giggled. "Oh and her name? The most important thing. Those douchebag traders are running bets."

"They're what?"

"You don't have to say anything. I'm going to pull every trick I can think up to screw up their betting pool. Leave it with me."

"Okay, well make sure you do. I'm going to leave the important details until you can make it over. I've a feeling there's something Donna would like to tell you in person."

"Oh, that sounds intriguing … oh wait … shit, you haven't proposed have you?"

"No, nothing like that … but … why 'oh shit'? Would that be so bad?"

An awkward silence ensued. "Uhm … well, got to go. I've a meeting downtown at 12.30. Don't worry about work. I can cover for you for a few days. Is it okay to visit? I'll have to pull every trick in the book to make sure Lewis isn't there by lunch is over."

"Come down tonight. Visiting starts at six I think."

"Great, we'll be there."

X X X

Donna was stirring when he returned to the room. He went straight to her bedside and gently stroked his hand through her hair. He'd helped her wash it earlier and it still smelled of strawberry shampoo. "Hey," he said as she cleared her throat and tried to prop herself up in the bed.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"A couple of hours."

"What? Why didn't you wake me?" She looked upset and Harvey was taken aback. The thought of waking her hadn't even crossed his mind. She needed to rest after what she'd just done – and her body had been crying out for sleep.

She flung the blankets away and she climbed out of the bed. "Donna, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting up."

Harvey was flummoxed. "Why?"

She looked at him as if he was mad. "Why do you think? I want to see my daughter." Her voice caught in her throat and ended in a wobble.

"I've seen her. She's fine."

Her head snapped up as she grabbed her robe from the edge of the bed and flung it around her shoulders. "You have? What … how have you seen her?"

She sat down on the edge of the bed and he sat next to her. "I didn't intend to. You were sleeping and I thought I'd go get something to eat, but … I don't know why … something just made me go to the NICU. I didn't even know if I was allowed in. I thought you'd want to know how she was doing when you woke up, so I rang the bell to ask the nurses for an update and they said I could go in and see her."

Donna searched Harvey's face expectantly. She desperately wanted to hear more.

"They let me hold her and it was perfect. And she is perfect. I mean, she is tiny Donna, but other than that … she's just beautiful."

Donna gripped onto Harvey's hands and burst into tears. "Why didn't you wake me? I want to see her. I would have wanted to see you with her. I had my camera to take photographs and I don't even have a picture of her yet … and …"

"We can go now. I'll take you down."

"I'm not dressed."

"Donna, seriously? You're in a hospital. You expect to wander around in Louboutins and a Gucci dress?"

She pouts at him. "Not exactly, I just don't feel like walking around in pyjamas."

"Don't be silly. You're a mom now, so pyjamas are fine to wear until noon at least."

She pouts again. "Okay, then at least let me brush my hair." She walks to the en-suite but stumbles slightly against the wall. "Shit, I feel like I've done five rounds in a boxing ring."

Harvey is by her side in seconds. "You've done more than that. Are you sure you can walk okay?"

"I'm more worried about sitting." She picked up her hairbrush and started running it through her hair which was bright and glossy in no time. "Bring a cushion with you."

"Why?"

"Because I've just pushed something the size of a melon through my ass. Imagine how that feels for a moment."

"I've got the cushion!"

X X X

Harvey buzzed the door of the NICU and was greeted by Linda again.

"Back already?" she asked with a grin as she opened the door to let them both enter. "And you must be Donna," said Linda.

Donna nodded quietly as she scanned the rows of incubators in the room. She gasped when she noticed the same tiny baby boy who Harvey had seen earlier, and she wondered how many babies spent their entire lives in this room and never made it home with her parents.

Linda noticed that Donna was distracted. "That's Zachary. He was born last week at only 24 weeks."

Donna gulped and Harvey instinctively put his arm around her. This place was so alien for both of them. How did Linda do this every day? There must be countless good stories, but there must also be so much unbelievable sadness to contend with.

She followed Linda to the far corner of the room where her sleeping baby lay wired up to the machines that were keeping her alive. "What are the wires for?" she asked immediately as she gazed into the incubator. Harvey wasn't surprised that was her first question. He wondered why he hadn't asked the same.

Linda gave both of them a rundown of the medical equipment that was helping their daughter to breathe, and revealed that most of the wires were there to monitor her progress. Donna listened but couldn't take her eyes off her daughter the whole time. "She's going to be fine. She's a decent weight for a preemie and she's strong. As soon as we get her lungs coping on their own, she'll be out of here and home with her mom and dad."

Donna smiled for the first time since she entered the room. "I know she'll be fine."

Harvey felt his heart melt because he knew that if Donna knew something, then it was true.

"Can I hold her? I want to hold her," asked Donna eagerly. She'd held her for seconds after her birth and she was worried she'd forget what her daughter felt like and especially what she smelled like. She loved her smell.

"Of course. I must ask you how you plan on feeding her. She hasn't needed anything yet, but she's about ready now. I asked Harvey, but he wasn't sure."

"I want to breastfeed her."

"Okay, that's great and that's just what she needs, but I have to warn you that she may not be strong enough to latch on and feed from you just yet. What we usually do in here is express and drip feed. How do you feel about that?"

"Whatever you think is best. I don't know how this works anyway. Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. Shall I sit here? Harvey, I need my cushion."

Linda chuckled as she watched Harvey place the cushion on the chair next to Avery's incubator. "Still a bit sore?" she asked. "It will pass. I've had five babies myself. I know what it's like."

"Five!" gasped Harvey comically. Avery's birth was stressful enough for him, never mind Donna. How on earth had Linda's husband gone through that five times?

Linda chuckled some more. "Don't worry Harvey, it gets easier. By the time you have your fifth it'll feel like shelling peas."

Harvey smirked. He decided he liked Linda even more than he did before.

Linda picked Avery out of her crib, wrapping her in the same lilac hospital blanket as she had previously. Harvey berated himself for not bringing her own blanket from the emergency baby bag with him. He vowed he would remember next time.

As soon as Linda placed Avery in Donna's arms an overwhelming sense of love and strength washed over her and it was so powerful that she started to sob. She knew she was complete. She knew … finally … that her life had real purpose. All of her dreams had come true and they were embodied in the tiny person who she was cradling in her arms and in the man who was standing next to her.

Harvey hunkered down and watched as his daughter slowly stirred in Donna's arms. "I told you she was great, didn't I?" he asked as he gripped Donna's arm, gently squeezing as she continued to sob. "And there's something very important I need to show you." He gently lifted Avery's soft cotton hat to reveal delicate wisps of light copper hair. They both started to laugh. Well Donna's laugh was more of a splutter, but the revelation that their daughter was a redhead was the icing on the cake for both of them. "Remember when you said I'd have two of you to deal with, ordering me about and getting me to do stuff I don't want to do. Well, looks like you were right."

"I'm always right."

He grinned. "You certainly are."

Avery stirred again, her little legs kicking wildly under the blanket. Instinctively, Donna started to rock and 'shush' her, but when she started to cry she whispered to Harvey that she didn't know what to do. He looked at her and shrugged. As if he'd know!

Linda stepped forward and watched as Avery squeezed her tiny hand into her mouth. "She's hungry," she said immediately.

"Oh, right. Well what should I do?"

"We're going to try to feed her," said Linda.

Harvey and Donna looked at each other with raised eyebrows. 'You'll be fine' whispered Harvey. Donna nodded but didn't look convinced.

"Are you wearing a bra?" asked Linda.

"No, just this top. Harvey told me I didn't need to get dressed. Do I need one?"

Linda laughed. "No, of course not. Just unbutton your top."

Donna did as she was asked and Linda helped guide Avery to her breast. "We need to align her nose to your nipple. As soon as she opens her mouth you need to get as much breast as you can into her mouth. Whatever you do, don't let her suck only on your nipple or you'll get very sore. The pain of a bad latch is unbearable."

The first attempt resulted in a complete fail as the baby tried to latch onto the inside of Donna's arm, but after repositioning herself in the chair slightly she tried again and this time Avery did it. Donna grinned and looked at Harvey who was watching in open mouthed awe.

"Looks like she's got it straight away," said Linda as she tucked the blanket under Avery's arm so she could get a better view to check that she was feeding correctly. "Now, you're not feeding her milk yet as it takes two to three days to come through and usually longer for preemies. What she's getting from you is the absolute best. It's called colostrum and it has everything she needs – sustenance, vitamins, antibodies – you name it. I can't believe she's managing so well when she's this small. This rarely happens, so she's doing very well indeed. I'll leave you both to it."

Donna smiled proudly as she stroked her baby's soft cheeks. The gentle pull on her breast came in a slow rhythm every few seconds and it was the best feeling in the world. She looked at Harvey who was grinning from ear to ear. "What?" she asked with a giggle.

"Just thinking how amazing you are."

She smiled back at him and tucked her finger into Avery's tiny hand. They both beamed when her tiny fingers wrapped around Donna's and held on tightly.

"She's going to be kicking ass in no time. I bet she'll be a lawyer … or an actress."

"Or the best secretary in the city?"

"Maybe," he says with a wink. "As long as she doesn't work for a jerk who's too stupid to tell her how he feels about her for twelve goddamn years. If anything like that happens I'll find that idiot and beat the shit out of him."

"So, now you can identify with my dad."

He laughed. "You're damn straight I do."