A/N: It's ironic that I'm posting a life-review story since I usually avoid reading them. It makes me sad to think of our NCIS friends as lonely or struggling with regrets in their old age, and I try not to read fics that will make me sad. But when this story started dancing around in my head it didn't feel sad, it felt comforting and even hopeful. I hope it will seem that way to you as well.

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Heaven's Gate

Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

~ from Sonnet XXIX by William Shakespeare

…

"Gibbs? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Hello to you, too, DiNozzo."

"Still a smug bastard, aren't you? Seriously, that's all you have to say? After how many years now? Almost… Damn. Has it really been twenty years?"

"Something like that."

"Wow. There was a time when going longer than a day without checking in with you made the universe feel out of sync. Seems kind of pathetic in hindsight. But you took care of my over-dependence with your patented Gibbs 'rip off the band-aid' approach, didn't you?"

"Tony…"

"So what are you doing here? If you've finally decided to apologize for leaving me high and dry, I gotta tell you it's about twenty years too late."

"Didn't come to apologize, or to pick a fight. I'm here because you've had a hard time of it lately. Thought you could use some help. It's OK if you don't forgive me. But I'm your transportation, and it's time to go."

"Well I'm not ready yet!"

"Didn't ask if you were ready, did I? There are lots of folks waiting to see you, so let's get a move on."

"I don't take orders from you anymore, Boss. You gave up the right to order me around when you went off and left me behind.

"Tony…"

"Why did you do it? Everything was different after you left. Everything was wrong."

"Didn't mean to make things so hard for you. But like the saying goes, sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"That's what you said at the time, and I could have head-slapped you, you bastard! So flip, so careless. Couldn't you see what it was doing to me? How devastated I was? When you left it just…it destroyed me. It destroyed our team!"

"You should've had more faith, Tony. Should've known I'd keep an eye on you. Should've known you'd see me again."

"But I needed you then!"

"Look, there's nothing I can do to change the past. But I'm here now. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Yeah…yeah, I guess it does. I'm surprised you'd ever want to speak to me again after what I did. I kind of lost it for awhile there. And then… Well, you know what happened then."

"Nothing you need to be worried about."

"How can you say that? I was awful! I was so hurt, and angry, and overwhelmed. I cursed your name to anyone who would listen. I hate that I did that…you were my mentor, my friend. The person I admired most in the world. And I wouldn't let anyone speak your name in my presence. I acted like you'd never existed. I knew it was wrong, but I just…I couldn't…"

"Couldn't pretend like it was alright when it wasn't."

"I tried so hard to make you stay, but you left in spite of me. Nothing I did was good enough to keep you here…I wasn't good enough."

"Wasn't about you, Tony."

"It doesn't matter what it was about! You were gone, and I let my anger consume me. You expected me to take care of them, and I didn't. I couldn't, not again. I held them together when you went to Mexico, but then I knew you'd be back once your head had cleared. This time…I knew you weren't coming back this time, and I was all they had. The team, our family…they needed me to be strong for them, but I couldn't let go of my anger. I didn't last six months before I left them, too. Can you ever forgive me for that?"

"Don't need to forgive you, Tony. You didn't do anything wrong. You had every right to be angry I was gone. So you let the anger and the guilt and the grief eat at you until it was easier to pretend I'd never existed. You think I don't get that? Me, of all people?"

"But you expected me to take care of them, and I failed you. I failed them. Hell, I failed everybody. Just like my father always told me, my life has been one big failure."

"Knock it off, DiNozzo! I'm not going to listen to that kind of crap from you. You haven't failed anybody. You did take care of them, Tony, just not as their boss. You were their friend. Always there for them, whatever they needed. You were Tim's best man, and you're godfather to his three kids, aren't you? He even named his eldest son after you."

"Yes, yes, he did, the idiot. I told him not to. Told him no little boy wants to grow up with the name Anthony – it's too old-fashioned. Kid calls himself Ant these days. Makes McDad crazy!"

"Yeah. Probably why you suggested it to Anthony in the first place. All three of those kids love you, Tony. You've been part of their lives since they were born. Taught them to play sports."

"Well, McGeek sure wasn't going to do it!"

"Helped Timothy John when he was being bullied at school."

"Hey, TJ handled those kids all by himself, I just gave him some pointers. That kid is rock solid, he just needed to have more confidence in himself."

"Took care of that boy that was giving Caitlyn trouble—"

"No one messes with Katie and gets away with it!"

"—and didn't mention to her folks she'd been seeing the boy behind their backs."

"I talked to her, OK? I told her a few home truths about the dangers out there, then I laid down the law to her. Told her that I would meet every boy she was interested in, and if my gut didn't like him, she wouldn't go near him."

"Kinda like a parent, huh?"

"Come on, Gibbs, I'm not stupid, or easily conned. I know she needs rules and adult supervision, but can you blame her for not wanting to tell her parents every little thing? You think Tim is overprotective? Katie came home from a slumber party one time with one of those temporary tattoos on her arm. It was great—looked just like the real thing. Abby took one look at it and grounded her. Abby grounded her! Over a tattoo! That's not just overprotective, that's a double standard of huge freakin' proportions! So I understood why Katie didn't want to tell her folks she had a crush on the local bad boy, and I didn't rat her out, but I made sure she came clean with them. I've always told the kids to respect their parents' wishes and follow their rules. But I've also told them if they're ever in trouble, they can come to me and I'll help, no questions asked. Kids need adults in their lives they can trust, Gibbs, and it can't always be their parents – that's just the reality of the parent-child relationship. So Ant, Katie and TJ have me."

"They're not the only ones. You used your connections to help Victoria Palmer get into OSU."

"Oh, man, V is the greatest! I wish her Grandpa Ducky could've lived long enough to see her graduate from medical school. He was so proud of her. She is amazing, Gibbs. She has this mind that just soaks up information, and she gets things. She makes connections so quickly that sometimes you can't even follow her train of thought."

"She would have made a great investigator. Like her Uncle Tony."

"Nah, she's better. Way better. And she will be investigating. She's going to be a great diagnostician, Gibbs. She'll wind up being one of those docs that cracks the toughest cases. She'll save so many lives."

"She dedicated her high school valedictory address to you, didn't she? Said that besides her parents you were the greatest influence on her life. You taught her to be proud of what she could do, to never hide herself or her abilities from anyone. Told her people wear masks to try and fit in, so the things that make them special won't stand out and get them noticed, but that's wrong. The world's a dark place, and the only way to make it lighter is for every person to shine as brightly as they can. Said you taught her that hiding your special, unique light for the sake of conformity is a crime against the whole world. She got a standing ovation for that speech."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Hey, just because you never wanted to hear my name again doesn't mean the others felt the same way. Abby especially – she talks to me almost every day, keeps me up-to-date on what's going on with everyone. She told me how important you've been in Victoria's life. Also told me about all of Jimmy and Breena's foster kids you've mentored. Some of those kids would've wound up in juvie, or worse, but they didn't cross that line because they didn't want to disappoint you, lose your respect. How many of those kids are you still in touch with, Tony?"

"I've lost a couple of them over the years, but the rest stop by when they can, call or email when something important happens. Little Chris called the other day to say he got a basketball scholarship to Clemson. He was such a tiny little runt when Jimmy and Breena took him in. All he wanted to do was have me show him basketball moves, but the ball was nearly bigger than he was. We cranked the rim down as low as it would go, and he worked on his free throws for hours. Now he's like 6'7" and he's going to be playing college ball. Funny thing is, Big Chris was already 6'4" in seventh grade, and he hated basketball. His idea of fun was doing his math homework. He's an accountant now, and smart as a whip. Someday that kid's going to be running Wall Street."

"It's not just the kids you've looked out for, either. You introduced Bishop to her husband."

"Yeah, he's actually an old frat brother of mine. After he and Ellie went on their second date, Tim and I took him out for a 'guy's night'. I told him he would always be my brother, but Ellie would always be my partner, and having your partner's back trumped every other rule in the Bro Handbook, so he'd better never test where my loyalty lay because he wouldn't like which side I chose. And Tim said he didn't know Taylor from Adam, so he'd never have to choose sides, he would always stand with Ellie. Then he looked this big, hulking ex-football player straight in the eye and said that I'd taught him how to break guys like Taylor into little pieces, and even if I let old times stand in the way, he wouldn't. And before Taylor's broken body had healed, Tim would have his life snarled up in knots in a way that only a genius computer geek could manage. You'd have been proud of him, Gibbs. He had Taylor quaking in his boots. Hell, even I was scared of him for just a minute."

"Wish I'd been there to see it."

"If you'd been there, it wouldn't have happened. You'd have just glared at the guy and he would have taken off for parts unknown. Then he and Ellie wouldn't have been happily married for the last fifteen years."

"Yeah. Guess it's a good thing you and McGee handled it then. Hear she's doing great in the Silverdale office."

"She's Lead Agent of the Counterterrorism squad out there. She and her team have kicked some major ass in the last few years. She's personally responsible for taking down four of the guys on the Most Wanted wall. Work brings her back to D.C. fairly often, and we all get together for dinner whenever she's in town. She's got some wild stories to tell! Hey, if you've been keeping tabs on us, you know about McGee, right?"

"Yeah. He did us proud, didn't he?"

"I used to tease him about becoming the youngest Director in NCIS history. Who knew he'd take it as a personal challenge? He made it, though. I still tease him that he only beat the record by two weeks, but he says two weeks is as good as two years, and I still owe him fifty bucks. He's damn good at the job, Gibbs. Damn good."

"He knows his stuff. And his people. He still calls you in to consult on tough cases, doesn't he? And to train his new probies in undercover skills and investigative techniques."

"Yeah, I was supposed to start with a new class of baby agents last week, but I caught a cold and it got the better of me. That's how I wound up here in the hospital – again. Damn lungs seem to get worse every year."

"Yeah, I know, Tony. But I'm here to take you home now."

"I'm…I'm glad you came. You know I hate being sick, and I hate hospitals even worse. Nothing to do but lie here and think about life. I guess I'd kind of fallen into a pity party, only remembering the bad times. Thanks for reminding me about all the good."

"Spent a lot of years trying to keep your head on straight, DiNozzo. No reason to stop now."

"So…we're good, Boss?"

"We always have been, Tony. Always."

"There's just one more thing…"

"Of course there is. Go on, get it over with."

"Why you? I mean, out of everyone, why were you the one to come and get me?"

"You needed something only I could give you."

"What's that? Forgiveness? Absolution?"

"Permission."

"Yeah. I think…I think maybe I've been waiting for that. Thanks, Boss."

"It's time to go, Tony. Everyone's waiting for you."

"Really? There's a party? For me?"

"Yeah, there's a party, DiNozzo, just for you. There may even be balloons. Come on. We'll go together."

"Balloons? I love balloons! On your six, Boss!"

In that moment, Tony DiNozzo was no longer a sexagenarian struggling for breath, he was the bouncy, exuberant kid he'd been almost 40 years earlier when he'd tackled a Navy cop in a Baltimore alley. Everything that mattered to him had begun at that moment, with the man in front of him. With a little sigh of contentment, he took up his place just behind Gibbs' left shoulder as they started forward.

"Is that…is that Kate? And Jenny? And—oh, Gibbs, it's my mom! Who else? I can't see all of them, who else is there?"

"Come and find out. Everyone's waiting for you, in the light. All of us who love you but had to leave you behind, Tony. We're all here to welcome you home."

.

A/N: My thanks, as always, to Leydhawk, not just for her thoughtful comments on the story, but for her willing ear and caring heart. This story is personal for me. She listened to my memories, we shed a few tears, and she convinced me it would be OK to post this rather than keeping it to myself. Thank you for being there, my friend.

...

This is the full text of Shakespeare's Sonnet XXIX, if you're interested:

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

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(Happy Birthday. I miss you every single day.)