Kiss me the way you want to

Alec felt bad watching Clary how she fell into her mother's arms, crying. It was a private moment, a moment where she showed weakness, it was a moment that should have stayed private for both of them, Clary and her mother. Shadowhunters did not show their weaknesses, at least that is what Alec had thought. Until now. In the last weeks he had also shown more of his week spots than he felt comfortable with.

When the words started to just pour out of the red hairs mouth, Alec really wanted to leave them alone.

"I was so afraid. I was so scared I would never see you again. It happened all so fast, one second you were there and the next you were gone and I did not know if I would ever see you again." Clary cried, hiding her face in the crock of her mother's head.

Jocelyn was trying to calm her troubled daughter, making hushing sounds while stroking her daughters head soothingly.

"It's okay. Everything is going to be okay now." This, obviously was the wrong thing so say because now Clary lifted her head. With the volume of her voice growing with every sentence, she let all the pain, the frustration, everything that bottled up in the last weeks rise to the surface and out.

"Nothing is okay mom! Jace is gone! He went with Valentine because he things he is evil. But he is not! And Valentine has the cup and we don't know where they are or if we ever see him again! What if something happens to him?! Who knows what Valentine is doing with the cup right now!"

Okay his was getting out of hand somehow.

Trying to calm her slightly hysterical child, Jocelyn cradled Clarys face between her hands, repeating her words. "It's okay Clary calm down. It will be okay. We will figure this out. We are not alone in this, we have help. There are people that can help us."

It was heartbreaking to watch Clarys face morph from this deep sadness to devastating guilt. "They are dead." It was barely above a whisper, but thanks to the rune that made the hearing of the Nephilim sharper, they were able to hear it. "Dot, she tried to help us and now she is dead. And … and Ragnor … he too died because he helped us. If it was not for me they would both be still alive."

With this the young Shadowhunter girl broke down crying into her mother's arms, clinging to her desperately, Jocelyn's secure arms around Clary's waist the only thing keeping the crying girl from falling down on her knees.

Clary was sobbing loudly, as if only now did she realize what that really meant, Dot and Ragnor being gone. Dead, because of her, because they had been helping her.

Shocked Jocelyn turned with the crying girl in her arms, looking at Magnus with tears gathering in her eyes. "I am so sorry, Magnus." She whispered, clutching Clary tightly against her chest.

It was like a bucket of ice old water was thrown on Alec, his gaze turning to the warlock a few feet next to him. He saw how Magnus careful mask broke and was replaced with sadness and grief.

He smiled a watery smile and the "Thank you." he answered to Jocelyn's words was broken and quivering.

It felt like a knife was turning in Alec's stomach. With everything that happened, he nearly forgot about the death of Ragnor Fell. Jace only told him what he absolutely needed to know. That they were followed attacked and that Ragnor did not survive the attack.

Alec felt sick. Dorothea … Dot, a warlock. Powerful, forever young, immortal, dead. Ragnor Fell, centuries old, older than Magnus, maybe more powerful, more careful from what he heard, immortal, dead.

And Magnus …

Alec swallowed thickly. His throat suddenly dry, his heart beating way to fast. What if something like that happened to Magnus, too? Because he was helping them. What if he die …

Alec could not even think the thought without feeling his heart contract painfully in his chest. It would be safest for Magnus to stay away from him, them, all of them. He tried to tell himself that Magnus could still find a way out of this disaster, hide, keep himself safe until everything was over. But deep in his heart Alexander knew that it was already too late for that. He was already too deep involved in this, and it was their fault.

He would be hunted, and Alec swore that he would do everything he could to protect this man.

Camille's words came back to him. Making him doubt himself again. It was true, he would age and die sooner or later, with the current situation more likely sooner than later. And he did not wish to hurt Magnus. He did not want Magnus to hurt over losing him, better cut of whatever they had or could have in the future, and spare Magnus as much pain as possible.

It would break his own heart he knew, not having a chance to really be with Magnus. To get to know him, see his smile, feel those sinfully soft lips against his own ever again. But he had no choice, no matter how much it would hurt him.

Alec was startled out of his thoughts when Magnus took the few steps to Jocelyn and gave her a warm half-hug as he said his goodbyes for now. He promised to be back the next day, to help however he could. But now mother and daughter needed rest and time for each other.

The warlock turned around, facing him and gave Alec a small tired smile, before averting his eyes from the hazel depth he could drown in and making his way to the door.

When he passed Alec however the Shadowhunter used his right hand to reach out for the other man, griping his wrist that did not held the book of the white gently but firm in his hand.

The touch send shivers down Alec's spine, his hear beat faster and his skin tickled where he touched Magnus.

Confused by the sudden action, Magnus haltered in his step, lifting his head to look puzzled into Alexander's eyes.

Licking his lips Alec's eyes searched the dark brown eyes of the warlock.

"Can we talk?" He asked in an unsure whisper.

He saw Magnus swallow and his eyes got this expression that told Alec that he feared the worst. Trying to sound calm, Magnus only got a "sure" out.

With one last look to the rest of the group, and a slight nod towards Izzy, Alec made his way towards his room. They could talk there without being disturbed.

Alec did not have to turn around to know that Magnus followed him. He could feel the presence of tis magical creature right behind himself, like a shadow, a comforting, intimate shadow.

Neither of them spoke until they reached the door which lead into Alexander's private rooms. Without hesitation Alec grabbed the handle and opened the door. He went inside and stood by the door, a silent invitation for Magnus to enter.

A wry smile played at Magnus lips when he entered the room his eyes downcast. Unsure, wary.

If Alec had more time to comprehend the whole situation, he would freak out. Magnus was in his room. In his private room.

The feeling of insecurity hit with such a force that Alec had to hold onto the handle while he closed his door silently. What would Magnus think of his quarters? They were no way near anything like Magnus lair. Nothing colorful or extravagant, his room was just plain and simple. It had always been enough for the oldest Lightwood child. Thit was his save place where he did not need to hide himself.

But now he felt uncomfortable, afraid of what Magnus could think.

Alec swallowed, he had no idea how to start this conversation. Without really thinking the blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"This isn't safe."

He turned around while saying that, locking his gaze onto the warlock that stood in the middle of his room, looking lost within Alec's small bedroom.

He realized his mistake the second his words left his mouth, and Magnus eyes hardened as he was trying to keep the hurt from his eyes, his jaw set, gripping the book of the white so tight that his knuckles turned the same color.

Hastily Alec made two steps in Magnus direction, raising his hands as if to touch Magnus.

"NO! No that is not what I meant. By the angle that came out totally wrong." He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"What Clary said, she is right … you are in danger. Dot and Ragnor they were both warlocks, immortal, and now they are dead. What if you also …. what if … and you …"

Cursing in frustration for tripping over his words Alec shoved both his hands through his dark hair again, gripping it tightly.

"You are too involved with us, you helped us. They will be after you! And they can't … I won't let them … I want to protect you! You have to stay away from me, us. It is not safe for you. I know you are strong and can take care of yourself, but so was Ragnor and now he is gone. By the angel Magnus I am so sorry, he was you friend and you had no time to grief and I am so sorry I don't …"

He swallowed again, averting his eyes from the man that had not said one word since they entered his room.

"I don't want you to get hurt. That is why we cannot do this." While saying "this" Alec waved his hand between the two of them, trying to make Magnus understand.

"Camille was right with what she said and you know it. You would have to watch me die, sooner or later and let's be honest with the whole situation it is likely to be sooner than later. And me dying would hurt you. It would hurt you now without something developing between us. And I don't want that, I don't want to be the cause of your pain. And the more you feel for me the more it will hurt you. That is not fair to you. I do want to be with you. I want to try because you were right, too nobody can see into the future so we don't know if we will be alive in a few years or month or even just days. But you are immortal but you still can die. And I don't want you to die, I just want you safe but I can't …"

During his rant Alec had not realized that Magnus had taken crossed his room and was now standing right before him. He raised his hand, laying his index finger gently on his lips to stop his rambling.

It felt like he was back at the loft, when they had their first drink, Magnus silencing him with his finger hovering just above his lips.

The only difference, now Magnus was able to actually touch his lips with his finger, not just hovering above them. Alec shivered from the contact. His breath hitched and he had to hold himself back from pressing a kiss on that single finger.

When he lifted his eyes to look into Magnus eyes, he felt his heart stutter. There was so much love and gentleness in them, understanding and fear.

"Alexander." He said his name like a caress.

"You have no idea what it means to me that you are so worried about my safety. Not many people care about that, they just see the powerful warlock and think that I am invincible. But not you. You are different, so lovely different."

Magnus spoke with a small smile on his face, his voice filled with longing and adoration.

"I understand that you want to keep me from harm, just like I want to keep you from harm. For this alone I will continue to help you and biscuit. I will do whatever is in my power to protect you. Because I indeed do not wish to lose you. And you are right you dying will hurt me. But it will hurt me no matter what. It will hurt me if there will never be something between us and it will hurt me if there will be something between us. But Alexander."

Magnus took his finger off Alec's lips and cupped his cheek lovingly and Alec could not hold himself back from moving into the touch, closing his eyes briefly.

"I do not want to waste the opportunity to be with you just because of the pain it could bring me. I want to try us. I want to try being with you. I do not want to ask myself in a few years or month from now what could have been. I do not want to regret not trying. Because believe me there is nothing worse than you looking back and asking yourself if it would have worked. It is possible that this thing between us does not work, yes. But it is also possible that it will work and develop into something amazing. I want to try, I want it to work. You already are so important to me, Alexander. And every pain the future brings me will be worth being together with you."

It was nearly too much. No one had ever made Alec feel this way, so cherished, important to someone else, someone putting him first.

"Please Alexander." Magnus was practically begging now, his eyes open and vulnerable. The hope in his voice almost breaking Alec's heart.

"Give this a chance, give us a chance. If it turns out I am ... that this is not what you want than I promise you I will step back and never bother you with my attention again."

It was a vain attempt to hide the pain in his voice, because his eyes were betraying Magnus, letting Alec see right into his soul that laid bare before him, so open, so scared, so full of love that Alec felt like his heart was about to burst.

"Please give me a chance."

And that was broke his last resort. Without waiting a second longer, Alec grabbed Magnus' face between his hands and kissed him hard.

Alec barely registered the whimper from Magnus when he crashed him against his body. This kiss was different from the one they shared at his wedding. He was desperate at that time and he was desperate now. But he felt like his heart was ready to burst out of his chest, filled with so much longing and hope and just the wish to be with Magnus.

He had been afraid that once he told Magnus of his fear of hurting him, that the warlock would register just what he was about to do and leave him, that he was simply not worth the pain that would come.

And hearing Magnus desperately trying to make Alec understand that he wanted him even knowing he would bring him pain, it made Alexander feel like he could archive everything.

Alec's kiss was passionate, lead purely by instinct and while he tried to deepen it, needing a connection that went deeper than the one he had with Magnus at this very moment, Magnus did the opposite.

His hands rest gently on Alec's sides, lightly clutching the fabric of his shirt in his hands. His lips responding, kissing back, but not trying to deepen it.

It made Alec insecure, did Magnus not want him like this? Had he misread the signs? From everything the warlock told him, the way he was looking at Alec, he thought Magnus wanted this as much as he did.

Breathing heavily Alec released the warlock's lips. He was looking into Magnus eyes, or trying to since Magnus had his eyes closed and looked slightly beside himself.

Trying to calm his breathing and his racing heart, Alexander did not let go of Magnus face.

"Why?" It was just a whisper, desperate, hurting.

Upon hearing the tone in Alec's choice, Magnus opened his eyes, staring directly into Alec's hazel ones.

"What?" He asked breathless, so the kiss did affect him like it did Alec.

"You don't … you never …" Letting out a frustrated curse Alec took his hands back only to run them through his unruly hair while stepping a few steps back and away from Magnus.

"Don't you want me?" It came out like a whine, making Magnus stomach clench.

"Alexander, what are you … of cause I want you." Magnus did not know where this situation was going at the moment. He was confused, how could Alexander doubt his intention, his feelings towards him.

"Then why don't you … you never." Alec broke the eye contact they held until now, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to make Magnus understand.

"You never initiate something. You keep your distance to me. Yes you flirt with me but even since our first kiss (and he was blushing so beautifully in Magnus eyes while saying that) you never tried to touch me, or kiss me on your own. Even right now you were … yes you were kissing me back but you didn't … you said you want a chance for us to be together, that you want to try. But why do I have the feeling that I am the only one of us that is trying to connect us …. deeper." Alec closed his speech in lack for better words.

Magnus could only stare at the young Shadowhunter in confusion and slight shock, his mouth hanging open a slight.

"You think I don't want you?" It was just above a whisper but Alec heard him like he had been shouting.

"Alexander, every moment you are near me I have to use all my willpower to hold myself back. I …"

"Why are you? Holding yourself back." Alec interrupted Magnus. And Magnus could only give Alec a heartbreaking smile.

"Because I am afraid to scare you away." The high warlock tried to make the young Shadowhunter understand. "This is all new to you Alexander. And I know that new things can be overwhelming, frightening even. I am not saying that you are scared but I know that all this is can be a bit … much. You are right I am holding back, because I do not want to scare you away. I am scared that if I move to fast that you will freak and run away. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable or scared of this, of me. You are special to me Alexander, so special. And I do not want to ruin this fragile, beautiful thing that is between us just because I cannot hold myself back. We will walk this path at your pace. You take the lead and I will follow you." Wherever you may go, he wanted to add, but was afraid that he already had said too much.

When Alec cast his eyes down, Magnus feared that he really had said too much. He swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat and tried to hold back the burning that came to his eyes.

The Shadowhunter was worrying his lip between his teeth, thinking.

"What if I don't want to, take things slow I mean."

Saying those words Alec lifted his gaze back to Magnus, looking him straight in the eyes. And the heat behind this gaze made Magnus swallow for completely other reasons.

"Do it." He challenged, causing Magnus to raise his eyebrows in a silent question.

With the determination Alec had looked at Magnus at his wedding, right before he went down the aisle to grab Magnus and kiss him in front of the entire Clave, Alec was looking at Magnus now.

"Kiss me. Kiss me the way you want to." Alec held his head high, confident in what he wanted. And he wanted Magnus.

Alec could hear Magnus taking a deep breath as is to steady himself and then it was Alec who had to take a shaky breath as breathtaking golden cat eyes stared back at him.

He had barely time to register that Magnus crossed the space between them and then he felt ringed fingers cross behind his neck bringing his head down in a searing kiss. Magnus lean body crashing into his, sending them across the remaining space to the wall. With a muffled groan Alec's back collided with the hard surface, but he didn't care.

Alec groaned when he felt Magnus tongue sliding over his lips, asking for permission to enter. Gasping he opened his lips to Magnus and a shiver went down his spine when he felt Magnus tongue enter his mouth, exploring the hot cavern with the hunger of a starving man.

He felt Magnus exploring him, his tongue meeting his and all he could do was trying to copy what this magical creature in his arms was doing to him.

He felt one of Magnus hands wander into his hair and grasping his hair tightly. The other hand stayed where it was, on Alec's nape, holding him firmly in place while Alexander wound his arms around Magnus waist, trying desperately to hold on to something to keep him sane.

When Magnus sucked on his tongue through, Alec could feel his legs giving out under him.

As if sensing that if he did not support him the Shadowhunter would slide to the floor, Magnus nudged one of his legs between Alec's, pressing his body firmly against the wall behind him, keeping him upright.

A loud moan escaped both their lips and they had to break the contact to take in the much needed oxygen. Their eyes finding each other while they were breathing the same air, their lips only millimeters apart.

"Do you understand now? How much I want you? Never doubt that. Never." Magnus voice was breathless and pleading, he felt like he needed to stay as close to Alec as possible to keep breathing.

"I don't know how much time we have, but I want to spend it with you. If you will have me."

And there it was, that coy little smile that made Alec's heart grow and his heartbeat faster.

He could only nod at first, not trusting his voice.

"Yes." He breathed. "Yes I want you. By the angle you have no idea how much I want you."

Now the smile turned into a loving smirk.

"Show me." Magnus said happy and full of hope.

"Show me how much you want me."

And all Alexander could do was grin right back at the man he loved before he surged forward to claim these sinful lips with his own once again.

I hope you liked my story ^^ let me know what you think. Also I am sorry for any mistakes I made, English is not my first language so please be patient with me