Dear Readers,

Into the great green yonder! After months of soul-searching and countless pilgrimages, I had found myself atop the tallest mountain in Bangladesh. I had been blindly searching for a fabled wise-guy atop the mountain for many moons, and despite exhaustion, hunger, a complete language barrier or even an accurate understanding of how maps worked, I had found him. In making his acquaintance, I had offered him the traditional Banglanees gift of some rocks I had found outside his home. Graciously, the wise-guy refused my gift eight times before finally gesturing for me to put them in the corner. I asked the wise-guy what was up, but he did not reply because he did not speak American. so then I asked him what my purpose in life was. The wise-guy leaned in close and whispered in my left ear (the sensual ear) "fan fiction dot net..."

At least I think that's what he said. In any case, I have returned with a new story of love, failure, triumph, and defeat. I missed you all very much, and I am glad to be back.

-Enjoy

"Picture a serine meadow… or a tropical island… I don't know; I haven't decided yet."

"Not a good start, but go on…" Judy propped her chin up on a paw as she lay draped over Nick's chest, awaking for the day.

"Shush, you" Nick pulled the covers over Judy's head, eliciting a giggle from the doe rabbit. "As I was saying; everyone would be gathered for the ceremony. You'd be at the altar with the father, awaiting the arrival of your strong-charming-handsome-smart and funny groom-to-be…"

"That's not how a wedding works, Nick…" Judy peeked out from under the heavy blanket as she interrupted "the bride is the last one to arrive at the altar."

"Oh, my bad, Carrots" Nick shot the offending rabbit a smug glare "I didn't realize we were going over your wedding fantasy… how inconsiderate of me." Acknowledging Judy's eye-roll Nick absentmindedly stoked the rabbit's long grey ears as he continued to explain his interpretation of their perfect wedding. A year had passed since the duo had first gotten engaged, and "the big day" was fast approaching.

"So, after literally hours of waiting for me to arrive… animals start to whisper; 'where's the groom' they say, 'Nick should have been here hours ago.' Amidst all the doubt, your father wonders if he and I will still have a chance at romance after breaking your heart."

A nasally chuckle escaped Judy at the thought of her father and Nick eloping, as he had joked so many times before.

"Just as the organist faints from exhaustion… Thunder" Nick paused for dramatic effect, earning an eye roll and slight groan from his fiancé. "But it's not thunder, it's me! Riding the biggest, loudest motorcycle you've ever heard or seen!"

"Nick, be serious" laughed Judy at the fox's outlandish story.

"I am serious, Carrots" defended Nick "this motorcycle is going to be crazy loud, it's probably going to give you hearing loss. In fact, if you have any old people you were planning to invite, you might want to lose those invitations, because it's probably going to trip their pace makers…"

Judy let her face drop onto Nick's chest as she tried her hardest not to laugh at Nick's stupidity.

"Anyways," continued the fox "I come screaming down the aisle on my bike, and I park on-top-of the wedding officiant; crushing him instantly. With his dying breath, he marries us. Then we kiss; it starts out tasteful, but then I slip in some tongue, maybe get myself a little bit of this action-"

"Nick!" Judy blushed hard at Nick's grab as she forced the fox's snout shut with her paws, prompting the fox to laugh at her embarrassment. "I guess I should have known better than to expect a serious answer…"

"Well I hope you learned your lesson," replied Nick, freeing himself from Judy's grasp. "Honestly, I never really fixated on the ceremony itself. It was always the night after the wedding which excited me."

"And why might that be, Mr. Wilde?" Judy asked from her position on top of Nick.

"That's when we get to mash dirty bits," answered the fox flatly.

"Nick!" Judy blushed even harder at the fox's teasing, and made another bid to silence her fiancé.

Nick laughed as he fought desperately to keep the flustered rabbit at bay. "Why do you think us foxes call it 'tying the knot"?"

Judy's blush was so violent that Nick thought for a second she might faint. Rolling off Nick's chest in mock disgust, Judy folded her arms in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. "Well that's not what we bunnies call it.

"So what do you prudish bunnies call it then?" a smug grin wrapped itself about Nick's muzzle as he continued to back Judy into a corner.

"We ummm…" Judy trailed off, prompting a raised eyebrow from Nick. "Okay, I'll tell you… but you can't laugh… okay?"

Nick's composure became even more smug, before a death glare from Judy set the fox inline. "I promise I won't laugh at your silly bunny traditions" grumbled Nick, crossing his heart in mock promise.

"We call it…" Judy wilted a little as she continued at a near whisper. "Ummm… 'Jumping the broom'"

Nick's eyes bulged, almost betraying his unbreakable façade. Judy shot the crumbling fox a fiery glare, daring him to laugh.

Clearing his throat, Nick steeped his paws in mock professionalism "Fascinating… if you'll excuse me I have some pressing matters to attend to." Retrieving the pillow from behind his head, Nick fluffed it once or twice, laid down flat, placed the pillow back over his face, and died of laughter.

"Nick!" the furious rabbit bellowed over her fiancé's muffled laughs, "you promised you wouldn't laugh!" Judy's embarrassment bubbled into anger as Nick laughed even harder into the pillow. Seizing the moment, Judy leapt onto her fiancé's chest, and pressed down with all her weight on the pillow in an attempt to smother the cackling fox.

Nick laughed even harder at Judy's rage as he attempted to fight off the assailing rabbit.

"Such savagery!" laughed Nick from under the pillow "predator and prey at each other's throats; what has Zootopia come to!?"

Feigning a final death throw, Nick's arms went limp and fell to the now ruffled and messy bedding. Catching her breath, Judy removed the pillow from her fiancé's face, and smothered a laugh with her free paw as she caught Nick's frozen expression of death.

"Oh no, pooooor Nick…" cooed Judy at her partner, as she reached for his tongue which was left hanging out of his mouth in mock expiration. "I'd put that tongue back in your head if I were you…"

Nick's mouth snapped shut protecting his long flat tongue, prompting Judy to giggle at his instantaneous recoil.

"What's this?" Judy continued as she lifted Nick's head with her paws, "Maybe he's not dead… maybe… I know! Maybe true-love's-kiss can bring back my fox!"

A snicker escaped Nick's entirely convincing façade as he puckered his lips for a kiss.

Rolling sideways off of Nick's chest, Judy delivered a kick to the fox's side, launching him out of the bed and onto the cold wood floor of the apartment.

Contacting the chilled flooring, Nick awakened with a yelp.

"He lives!" cheered Judy from the warm confines of the bed.

Nick was not amused.

Climbing back into bed with his triumphant fiancé, Nick returned to the previous topic of discussion. "In all seriousness, fluff, I've always been more of a honeymooner. And the fact that we're not going to have one…"

"We'll have a honeymoon, Nick" assured Judy, taking Nick's paws in her own as they lay across from each other. "We just have to save back up first. With the new apartment, wedding planning…"

"Cake, Food, Venues…" Nick finished Judy's list in disappointment. "I know, Carrots… I just… Always dreamt of visiting lavished faraway places, you know? The irony in that is that besides my trip to Bunny Burrows with you; I've never left the city of Zootopia."

Looking about their new apartment, Nick exhaled in mixed disappointment. Nick was happy that Judy and he had finally found an apartment together, but Nick couldn't escape the looming cost of living. As of late, money seemed to be the dark cloud in Nick's mind.

"If we were still detectives, we could afford a honeymoon" Nick grumbled, earning a stern look from Judy.

"You can't buy happiness, Wilde" chided Judy as she crossed her arms at the fox.

"Carrots, whoever said that; clearly did not have enough money" replied Nick.

Rolling out of Judy's striking distance, Nick got out of bed and stretched. "Come on fluff, we've got a long day ahead of us; let's get ready."

Oh hot-diggity!

Did you miss reading "oh hot-diggity" at the end of every chapter? I bet you did! If you did, then get ready for more! Off Without A Hitch is officially out, and I will be releasing new chapters every week until it's over. While this is just the first chapter, the rest of the story can be found by clicking on my name and following the link to my published works.

-Enjoy the next chapter!