Gamer4 in- yup, just couldn't keep it to myself, only a week or so on, and we're already getting started on the next story! Thought it might be a little longer, but hey, this is my favorite book from the original series! Yup, I mentioned at the end of Bottle of Lightning that I was looking forward to this story even more- and that's why! Order of the Phoenix is my favorite Harry Potter book! Yeah, I know, Harry's all angsty... but come on, considering the situation he's in, I think he kinda has the right!... I get the feeling some of you are lost about now, so time to introduce this story to series newcomers- essentially, this right here is the fifth installment of the series I'm writing, Mario Mario, taking the Harry Potter books and filling them with video game, internet, and various other pop culture references! So, yeah, based on the above, as you can tell, if you came here for relentless bashing of Harry's angst during the fifth book, you came to the wrong place. If you came for references to many, many, many, many video games, from absurdly popular to outrageously obscure, the quoting of songs you may or may not have heard of, in-jokes galore, a wrecking ball being applied to the fourth wall, and the occasional out-of-place dead-serious moment, that's more what you'll be getting here. As far as political stuff goes- well, I can't promise that nobody will be able to tell my political views by reading this story, but given how political the original book was, I think a little political stuff might be inevitable- though I'll promise right here and now to do my best to keep it to a minimum. My goal, as ever, is not to start something, just to entertain you guys and have fun doing it. That in mind, enough waffling, let's get started on what will probably turn out to be the longest Mario Mario story of all- Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy!

Disclaimer: Enjoy this now- disclaimer radio is coming back next chapter. I don't own Super Smash Bros., Harry Potter, or any of the various video games or other pieces of pop culture that will be referenced throughout this story. If any of my OC's from Solaris appear, (a little more likely than last story, but still not that likely,) I'll note it, but aside from that, a good rule of thumb is to just assume that I own nothing.

Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy

Chapter I

Peach Creek Blues

The sun was setting over the large building at the edge of Peach Creek- one of the most bizarrely-named towns on planet Earth. It may shock you to hear this, but despite its name, there were no creeks anywhere near this town, nor did it have the slightest history with peaches. The name was an anomaly to outsiders and residents alike. But more about this building.

It lay within a plaza also containing a shopping mall and a few restaurants, and was certainly not the most well-cared for building in the world... or even in that plaza. The building gave off an air of neglect- probably due to the fact that, while children held it in special esteem, their parents... meh, not so much. It was, of course, Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, which many would describe as a sad mocking of other places like Chuck E. Cheese's, but it wasn't that at all- it had different mascots. Bonnie the Bunny, Chica the Chicken, Foxy the Jabberjay- just kidding, the Fox, and Freddy Fazbear the... Bear. Every day, a small smattering of children would come, sometimes to celebrate a birthday party, then go home to have endless nightmares about the animatronic singers there, who fell very squarely into the infamous uncanny valley.

At the moment, there was only one individual in the building- the security guard. Or, so it would seem...

As the lights throughout the building went out one by one, the animatronics, left out on the stage, began to twitch, and then to move. Starting with Bonnie, and followed shortly by Chica, they stepped down from the stage and began to make their way, slowly and jerkily, across the building. Foxy was still hiding out in Pirate's Cove, while Freddy hung back a bit- he wanted to see how his fellow animatronics did before he stepped into the fray. It was Friday, and still that security guard kept coming back- apparently, he wasn't getting the message.

As she approached the security guard's office, Chica noticed something strange- usually, the closer she got, the more likely that door was to slam shut. Not tonight- no matter how close she drew, it remained steadily open. Looking through the window, she saw the chair turned, back to her, looking instead at the opposite door, which was shut tight. But her door was still wide open. Preparing herself, she stepped in, only for a vastly unfamiliar voice to meet her... ears.

They'd grown accustomed to the voice of the usual security guard- Mike Schmidt- through his screams- this voice wasn't his. It was too calm, too... snarky. "If you're looking for Mike Schmidt, I'm afraid he's in another castle." The chair spun around, revealing a young man with dark hair and a similarly-colored moustache. He was dressed in overalls and a red shirt that matched the cap on his head, and behind his bangs, just over his round nose and large, blue eyes was a strange scar in the shape of an M. "It's-a me, Mario."

Chica tilted her head, confused. What was with this kid?

"Sorry about that," this 'Mario' stood up. "Wanted to go for some extra dramatic effect- how's about letting in the others now, huh?"

He pressed the button on the opposite wall, allowing Bonnie into the room, tilting his head in just as much apparent confusion as Chica. "And... I haven't looked at Pirate Cove for a while, which means... ah, there you are." Foxy, too, had arrived on scene, looking remarkably conflicted- the animatronics only ever intended to hurt the inhabitant of the security guard room, never children- they'd never even considered what would happen if it was a child in the security room.

"Okay, look, here's the thing," the boy clapped a pair of gloved hands. "I feel sorry for you guys, I really do- you got royally screwed. But taking it out on everyone who comes into this security guard office isn't going to help anything- you're just causing more pain and suffering. There are plenty of ghosts out there living perfectly normal afterlives, no vengeful tendencies at all- why not give that a shot?"

He looked around, but none of the animatronics said anything- instead, they began to click their machinery together, starting to look more threatening. The boy sighed. "I was afraid of that. I didn't want to have to do this, but..."

Moving quick as lightning, he brandished his hand at the nearest animatronic- Foxy. From nowhere, a fireball appeared in his hand and shot off towards the robot. Foxy let out a strange howling sound as he backed up, his false fur ignited. He crashed into Bonnie, the fire spreading, and before anyone could do anything about it, they hit the carpet, and... things escalated from there.

As the flames began to spread, the boy sweat-dropped. "Crud... should have seen that one coming- whoever designed this place was just begging for it to catch fire..."

He turned towards Chica and fireballed her too- no point being conservative anymore. He pushed past her and to a nearby closet, which he opened up to reveal a scared-looking man in a security guard uniform, currently bound and gagged. "Okay, good news and bad news- good news, those animatronics won't be hurting anyone ever again. Bad news-"

The building seemed to jolt as something fell down just behind him. The boy sighed. "Yeah, the bad news is, the building's on fire. Come on, time to go."

He quickly undid the bounds, prompting the guard to leap to his feet and dash off, wrenching off the gag as he did so. The boy turned and followed at a brisk pace, turning only to ensure that the final animatronic- Freddy himself- was caught in the flames before exiting the building. It was quite a sight from the outside, but he didn't want to hang around here any longer than he had to- the firemen would be coming soon. He could see Mike Schmidt tearing off as fast as his legs could carry him. Ah, let him run- he didn't think he'd report him- he'd saved his life, after all. Even if he did, he'd probably be out of this place soon enough. He hoped.

Alright, now that we've caught your interest, time to slow things down a bit and do some explaining. The boy's name, as he'd said, was Mario. Mario Mario, in fact, and he was no ordinary boy- he was a smasher. As for smashers, they're special beings throughout the universe to whom the normal laws of science don't seem to apply. Aside from a vast variety of common traits held among many different smashers, they also had their own unique abilities- Mario, for instance, was a pyromancer- fire was his plaything, though, if the episode just now is any indication, he had to work hard to make sure it didn't get out of control.

Making his way back into the heart of Peach Creek, he began whistling a mournful tune into the warm summer air. He... wasn't happy. Not at all. Not because of the narrow escape from death he'd just experienced- that was boring compared to some of the things he'd been through before. He hadn't even gotten involved for any noble reasons, he'd readily admit- he'd gotten involved because he was bored. Bored, bored, bored- and when he had things so much more important he could be doing!

Every day, he'd been forced into finding more and more creative ways to listen in on the news- no small task when the aunt and uncle he lived with were absolutely hell-bent on keeping him away from the entertainment center- they were vehemently anti-anything-normal, and nothing screamed 'not-normal' like the smasher world. They were extremely distrustful of anything he did, and were ready to don their tinfoil hats under the impression that he had some sort of ulterior motive for listening to the news, whatever that might be. Well, okay, in fairness, he did have an ulterior motive, but it had nothing to do with them...

He was listening for bad news. Speeches about murder, destruction, small disappearances, anything of the kind- things that, under the circumstances, would be critical for him to know. He absentmindedly removed his hat- the item that enabled him to use his powers efficiently, his power controller- folded it up, and stowed it in his pocket. Yeah, he was listening for that kind of thing, but over the past month... nothing. The darkest thing the news had to report recently was the newest flavor of Mountain Dew- Black Label. It didn't matter how many times he saw that commercial, Mario still didn't understand what was so gentlemanly about darker-colored soda. Good flavor and all, but the commercials just made no sense.

He'd thought he'd been on to something when he heard about the strange goings-on at Freddy Fazbear's- just a rumor, more of an urban legend than anything, but he was desperate- and it had turned out to be a group of independent ghosts anyways. Troublesome, and he'd decided to see the job through anyways, but it wasn't what he was looking for...

He'd thought, at first, that his friends in the smasher world might keep him abreast of any events occurring on their side- but the messages they sent to him via albatross turned out to be pretty much useless. Even the Fourside Tribune, the smasher newspaper, turned out completely useless- he'd desperately go over it every time it was delivered, scanning the head of each article before concluding, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it had nothing to say- and toss it over his shoulder into the garbage bin.

What was it he was so eager to hear, you ask? What he was really listening for was news about the movements of Tabuu. Tabuu, the most evil smasher who had ever lived, who most smashers still feared to talk about- as though saying his name was a curse in and of itself. He had covered the world in a shroud of darkness years and years ago, ruling with a fist made of solid iron, allowing his followers to kill at will, and particularly using muggles as bait. To truly sum up this guy's evil, just imagine Hitler... as a smasher. There you go- we can't offer any better analogy than that. Fifteen years ago, he'd met his end- at Mario's own hand. He'd only been a baby at the time, but for reasons he was still struggling to understand, it hadn't worked- Tabuu had been destroyed by his own power, bouncing off of the boy he was trying to exterminate. Unfortunately, Tabuu's exile from the world of the living had ended a month or so ago- he'd spent the entire previous year luring Mario into an absurdly elaborate trap so he could use him in resurrection ceremony- a ceremony that had succeeded. Mario had managed to escape- barely- and had spent the entire summer so far looking out for news that Tabuu was on the move, ready to cover the world in a second darkness... signs of which had yet to appear.

Even his best friends, Link and Zelda, were disturbingly silent on the subject- yeah, he understood there was a certain risk of them being intercepted, but there had to be better things to say than the patronizing, almost condescending things they had been writing thus far. Maybe they only sounded that way in his head- currently frustrated as all get-out by this lack of any real communication- but it didn't ease the pain by much. They'd hint on occasion that there would be plans to remove him from Peach Creek soon- plans that seemed just as far away now as when they'd first brought it up. Apparently, they were busy- with what, they gave not the slightest hints.

If that was the case, then, why wasn't he at their side, helping out? Hadn't he proven himself, time and again? For crying out loud, he didn't expect a medal or anything, but it would be nice to at least let him in on the plans for fighting back against the biggest evil in the world, an evil he was intimately tied to- an evil he'd witnessed rising again first-hand-

Trigger warning, trigger warning, he berated himself. The last thing he needed was to give in to the PTSD gnawing at the edges of his mind ever since... that incident.

More comforting than the letters from Link and Zelda, in all honesty, were the letters from his godfather, Roy Alluvia. Just as bereft of information, but they seemed to bear a certain sympathy lacking in his peers' communiques. I pester the Hand whenever he's over here- which isn't that often, unfortunately- 'When can Mario come over?' Some of the others are saying I sound like an overexcited kid, but hey, it's a question that needs asking. Never a straight answer with that guy... for now, just try to keep out of trouble, a'ight? Just know that the sooner you're with us, the happier everyone will be...

Which Mario agreed wholeheartedly with, but it made him even more frustrated that there was still no specific date set on which he'd actually be leaving this town. Everyone else off at some unspecified location- he assumed Ordon Cottage, Link's house, though he couldn't be sure- and here he was, scavenging through old newspapers in the vain hope that one of them would point to something useful- but the most useful thing he'd done so far was burn down a pizzeria.

He shook his head and turned around a corner- only to immediately duck back, out of sight. Down at the other end of the alley, he could see a group of boys strutting up the road, led by an apparent tub of lard on legs. Another word about his current living quarters- his cousin, Bill, child of Aunt Kate and Uncle John, was a bully. Like, big-time-his favorite target, way back in the day, had been Mario himself, a habit that had been curbed when Mario went off to the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing to learn how to control his powers- he was now too frightened of retribution to take him on. The various kids around Peach Creek, however... well, let's just say that most residents of Peach Creek were convinced that Mario spent most of his time at Arkham Asylum, only spending a few months at a time in his aunt and uncle's care, and they were still more frightened of Bill. Mario was a vague threat- Bill, a very obvious, constantly present one.

Honestly, Mario wouldn't mind if Bill and his cronies saw him- he still had adrenaline pumping through him, he was ready to take that bullying winnicott of a cousin on, take out some of this pent-up aggression on the boys who'd once made a sport of victimizing him to the other extreme...

It was probably just as well, he thought, as they continued past the alley, not noticing him. Knowing them, he'd lose his temper, and accidentally summon some fire- he was already risking trouble with the Government of Smashing over the whole thing at Freddy's, without actually using his powers on muggles. He'd be pretty concerned about that bit, but he was confident in Gamer4's powers to BS his way through that one. Honestly, in all likelihood, nobody would have even noticed if he hadn't just pointed it out in the first place.

Would Roy have done the same? He couldn't help but wonder as he watched Bill and his gang head off down the street. Would Roy have been able to restrain himself? Probably not- turn that into a definitely if he was talking about Mumkhar, that betraying winnicott, or maybe even Wolf O'Donnell, his declared rival...

That said, he couldn't help but follow the gang of bullies as they stalked off through the town. He didn't even have to be too stealthy about it- he'd managed to sneak undetected past some people much cleverer than these morons before. Their voices floated over the air to him- all the usual bullcrud, nothing worth listening to, until they finally stopped in the middle of an intersection and headed off in different directions.

Bill smirked nastily as he turned and headed off back down the road. Mario couldn't help it- he ran up until he was walking next to his cousin and, putting on his best 'Yogi Bear' voice, spoke- "Hey, Booboo!"

Bill turned- his smirk slid off his face. "Oh- you."

"So, what was the agenda tonight, you brave little soldier?" Mario asked, voice dripping with more sarcasm than he'd ever summoned against anyone else before. "By the sound of it, you've led your army to another triumphant victory over a pre-teen. Crap, it wasn't Enzo Connor again- the poor guy can only take so much."

"This punk deserved it," Bill grunted, reminding Mario heavily of another smasher he knew- and didn't like at all. "Firing off insults at me like he could get away with it-"

"Oh, you poor, poor angel, you," Mario put on a simpering face and pulling his cousin into a hug. "C'mere- I acknowledge your pain! Oh, you're too pure for this world-"

Bill growled as he pushed his cousin away. "Get off me!"

Mario smirked beneath his moustache as he backed off. This was much more satisfying than it really should be...

They turned down a dark alley- not that they had to worry. Between Bill's newfound strength and Mario's firepower (hur hur), they didn't really have anything to worry about.

"You wouldn't be so cool if you didn't have that thing with you," Bill spoke up.

"Thing? What thing?"

"That... that hat of yours."

"Oh, the hat?" Mario asked, taking it out of his pocket and examining it a bit before putting it on his head. "Yeah, probably- but I do have the hat, don't I?"

Bill's snarl took on a hint of fear. "But you wouldn't use it... you wouldn't..."

"I wouldn't, huh?" Mario scoffed. "You're sure?"

"It's against that freakshow's rules- they'd kick you out-"

"And you're sure there hasn't been a change in legislation?" Mario bluffed- Bill was right, but he wasn't going to let him know that. "I mean, you only just realized that Obama's the president- and his term's about to end!"

"You're so brave when you've got that hat on your head," Bill sneered. "Take that off, what are you?"

"Billionaire superhero dumb lucky philanthropist winnicott," Mario made a personal challenge out of stringing together as many adjectives as he could think of. "Or, at the very least, someone who doesn't need five people as backup before he takes on an eight-year-old."

"You just wait 'til Dad hears that you've been taking that thing out-"

"And now you're running off to Daddy?" Mario scoffed. "Because somebody put on a hat?"

"Not this brave at night, are we?" Bill shouted.

"You mean, like it is right now?" Mario pointed out. "Moon in the sky, seeing the big dipper up there, pretty dark otherwise- how is this not night?"

"I'm talking about in that bed of yours!"

Mario was caught off guard, faltering for a moment, before trying to play it off. "Look, I don't care what that Personal Relations class has been teaching you- not much, by the looks of it- but what I do in my own bed is my own-"

"You know what I mean," Bill shook his head, smirking as he caught on to Mario's discomfort as only a trained bully could. Putting on a high, whiny voice, he taunted, "Oh, don't kill Donkey, not Donkey-' what donkey are you even talking about? Not joining up with the furries, are-"

Bill gasped as Mario snapped- he could take plenty of insults directed at him- he was used to it by this point- but he would not allow Donkey Kong's name to be placed in the mud. He grabbed his cousin by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall, shifting his face to make it clear that joking time was over. "Time for you to shut up, Booboo," he snarled. "Donkey Kong is a taboo subject, got it? I don't care what else you talk about, you do not talk about him! Say it."

"Let go of me!" Bill shouted, face turning red.

"Say it."

"Let go of me!"

"SAY IT!"

"Let go of-"

Bill cut himself off with a gasp, his eyes rolling upwards as his face went from being red with anger and fright to being flushed with cold... in August.

Mario leapt back in surprise- it wasn't just Bill. The entire alley had become much darker and colder. It had gone from remarkably dim to pitch black. For a wild moment, he thought he'd lost control and done this somehow- but while he'd admit he'd done such a thing before, his powers were aligned with fire, the exact antithesis of what was going on- bright and hot, not dark and cold...

Bill's voice met his ears, terrified. "What are you doing? Stop it!"

"This isn't me, Bill," Mario shook his head pointlessly, struggling to remain calm. "I'm a pyromancer- this couldn't be me."

"Don't use made-up words! What are you doing? I can't see! I... I can't see!"

"It's not a made-up word, it means I use fire! Does this look like fire to you?!" Mario was clinging to his hat tighter than ever. "Shut up and stay still!"

He knew what this situation reminded him of, and it chilled him to the bone more effectively than the supernatural cold itself. But it didn't make any sense- what the smeg could they be doing here, of all places? In Peach Creek?

"Okay, I take it back! I'm sorry I badmouthed that donkey- just stop this, stop it-"

"I'm trying to stop it!" Mario called back agitatedly. "The problem is-"

WHACK!

Following his voice to its source, Bill managed to find Mario and punch him across the face, knocking him to the ground, windless, and sending his hat skidding away. "Bill, you freaking idiot!" Mario burst out. "Of all the times..."

His spine straightened as he sensed them- one at each end of the alley. Out of the frying pan and into the fire- out of Freddy Fazbear's and into the hungry jaws of two angry floows... his luck could not be that bad...

His blood turned to ice when he realized that Bill was sprinting, to the best of his ability, right towards one of them. "BILL, NO! WRONG WAY! WRONG WAY- YOU'RE GOING RIGHT TOWARDS IT!"

He scrambled around on the ground- he needed that hat, he needed it now.

"BILL, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, AND WHATEVER HAPPENS, KEEP IT SHUT TIGHT! DON'T OPEN IT FOR ANYTHING!"

And still, his controller was out of sight, though definitely not out of mind. "Come on, come on..." More out of sheer frustration than anything, he snapped his fingers- and to his amazement, a small spark of fire appeared there- not much, but just enough to light up the ground and reveal his hat laying despondently on the concrete a few inches away. He reached out with his free hand, seized it, and rammed it onto his head. With smasher and controller reunited, the spark grew into a blazing fireball, illuminating the alley for Mario to see, all too clearly, what was going on...

Soaring right towards him, only a few feet separating them now, was a hulking figure of darkness, covered up by strips also made of darkness.

Mario raised his hands- "Kame, hame, HA!"

A wisp of fire emerged, but fizzled out- it seemed that reference was beginning to lose its luster. That, and he didn't have a happy enough thought backing it up... there had to be something that would do the trick... "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" A slightly larger stream of fire, but the floow passed through it almost like it wasn't even there- he still didn't have a happy enough thought backing him up...

Voices began to echo in his head... Not Mario! Please, not him! Take me, take me instead!

Sarah, take Mario and run! It's him- I'll try to hold him off!

Aren't you scared of me, Mario? Mr. Wonderful Mario? A long, cackling laugh... You're a joke! You're not the lord... you're nothing but a fraud!

Mario collapsed- was this really it? All he'd been through, the Hylian Stone, the Giga Koopa, the whole fiasco with the ocarina of time, the Console Games, and even Freddy Fazbear's, and he was going to die here, in this alley? Would he really never see Link and Zelda again?

Link and Zelda... his nakama...

He leapt to his feet, thoughts of his two closest friends filling him up, ready to burst. He brought his fists up in front of his mouth like an instrument he was about to blow into, shouting, "Fire dragon... ROOOOAAAAAAAR!"

He puffed up his cheeks and blew through them- out from between his fingers came a massive stream of fire, slamming into the floow with everything Mario had. It didn't take long for the floow to flee- it could easily see that it was outclassed. Left to its own devices, the fire molded itself into the shape of a brilliant bird- a magnificent, flaming eagle. Mario turned to see the other floow baring down on Bill, the dark strips in front of it beginning to pull back...

"DEATH BIRD, SIC!" Mario called out. The eagle snapped to attention and soared at the remaining floow, sending it scurrying away after its companion.

Mario didn't wait to see the eagle chasing after them as he ran to Bill. "Bill... Bill... stay with me, Billy boy..."

Warmth was spreading through the alley once more, light returning that didn't come from Mario's own fire, but he didn't care. "Bill... can you hear me? Bill? BILLLLLL!"

Finally, to his relief, he felt Bill's lungs at work- he was good, he was alive. He didn't look like he'd be getting back home on his own steam, though...

He was jolted back into awareness of his surroundings as he heard swift, heavy footsteps behind him. Spinning around, he saw a large, aged man running towards him. Instinctively, he made to hide his hat, but the man shook his head quickly.

"Nah, don't be putting away your only defense, boy! Didn't they teach you anything? They taught me better than that, back in the war! There might still be more of those things around, but smeg if I'm gonna let them get to you- I'm LEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIINS!"

XXXX

Alright, wrapping this chapter up! Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter of this story, shorter than usual as it was- honestly, I'm typing this out in the hope it'll get me tired enough to go to sleep tonight- freaking insomnia. And some excitement over my latest gaming acquisition, Bayonetta, might have something to do with it, too. Before I sign out, quick note about this story's cover- this one's odd, I'm not gonna lie. I found it on Google Images- it's titled Mario vs. Piranha Plant (edited a bit, obviously- I cropped out the piranha plant)- but as far as who drew it... it's strange. I found this picture on multiple different websites, each of which attributed it to a different artist- seriously, nobody could agree who actually drew this one. Shame, too, because I really like this picture- it's a good one. If anyone has any more information on that, care to let me know? I'd love to give the artist their due praise, but this is simply a mystery I can't solve, no matter how many blue pawprints I record in my handy-dandy notebook.

Speaking of pictures, if anyone cares, I changed my profile pic recently for the first time in... ever, really. Used to be one of the promotional pictures to Mario Galaxy, until I found a magnificent picture of the seven heroes from Live A Live (the Xin Shan Quan Master fills in for his pupils) and thought, Yeah, that's a good one. Hey, it's been years since I got my initial avatar, why not change it up a bit? Just for the heck of it. Again, not sure anyone cares, but it's there, if anyone does. We've got a couple questions to answer, actually, from the last chapter of the last story, but between the length of these endnotes and the fact that this is the first chapter of this story, I think we'll put them off for the next one, which should be up... later this week! I hope. Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!