Whenever Karkat's brother brought his boyfriend home, he'd hole himself up in his room. It wasn't that he hated Cronus, but whenever he was around, Karkat couldn't help getting a weird vibe from the guy.

Kankri didn't seem particularly agitated by the unsettling air surrounding him. His brother was oblivious to Cronus' impure motives, probably just glad to have someone he could talk at for hours on end. In middle school, when the topic of sex ed had finally been introduced to his class, he had taken a vow of celibacy. Now that he was in college, he was more serious about that promise than ever. Cronus was apparently going out with him under the condition that their relationship didn't delve into anything sexual.

But Karkat could still sense it. It was in the subtle way Cronus' eyes trailed Kankri's body when he wasn't looking. The way his hands always seemed to wander somewhere inappropriate when he 'accidentally' tripped or needed to move around his brother in the hall.

But Kankri was almost embarrassingly unaware. He'd brush it off like nothing had even happened. "Just watch where you're going next time," He was quick to chastise.

Karkat could tell Cronus was getting frustrated with his brother. He wasn't reading the mood well enough to know that the only thing Cronus was really interested in was getting him out of his high-waisted pants. He expected their little war would wage on forever.

What he didn't expect was that Cronus would take his frustrations out on him.

There was a quiet knock on his door. Karkat was doing his homework, his headphones on but no music playing. He was scared of being caught off guard. When Karkat refused to answer, Cronus pushed the door open and made his way inside. "Hey, chief. Whatcha up to?"

Karkat slipped the headphones off to rest them on his neck. His muscles tensed up, alert. "It's rude to enter someone else's room without permission. Where's Kankri?" This was the first time Cronus had ever managed to find him alone. Usually, he'd be able to get Kankri to interfere with Cronus' advances unknowingly. Just a little distraction from his brother was all he needed to slip away.

Today, he guessed, he wasn't so lucky.

Cronus came further in and leaned over his desk to inspect his AP Biology worksheet. "He's takin a shower. Accidentally bumped into him and he fell into a mud puddle. You know me. Always clumsy." Something in his smile said he wasn't all that sorry or that it might not have been accidental.

Karkat tried to turn his chair around to face his desk again, the hairs on his arms now standing at attention. "Then go downstairs and wait for him. Just watch some T.V. or get a snack. You know where we keep everything."

The wheels on his chair moved again as Cronus spun him around. His hands rested on the arms of the chair, barring escape. His face was uncomfortably close. "Come on, doll. At least keep me entertained until he's done."

Karkat's mind was muddling with panic. "I'd rather not." He tried to get up and move past him but Cronus wouldn't budge. Indignantly, he gritted out, "Get. Off."

Cronus looked like he contemplated it for a second before responding, "Nah." His ugly mug was getting closer.

"Stop!" Karkat could feel his heartbeat hammering in his ears. Cronus' lips were getting closer to his.

Acting on fight or flight instinct, he kicked out, successfully making the first contact with two very unfortunate alien lifeforms. Cronus buckled in on himself and went to his knees, wheezing.

Karkat took advantage of the moment and scampered over his desk and out his window. He clambered onto his roof and then climbed down an old maple in his front yard to the wet ground below. He would probably have landed flat on his ass, if that had been the first time he had performed his escape act.

Cronus stared dumbly down at him. The initial shock of seeing a high school boy spider monkey his way to freedom was swept away by an outburst of anger, "You little shit! What if I'm impotent now, huh?"

Karkat smirked. He hollered up at him, "That would be phenomenal news! Then you and Kankri really would be a match made in heaven!"

He opened his mouth to say more, but then Karkat caught the sound of his brother's faint voice talking to Cronus in the background, "Cronus? What are you doing?"

Cronus put his fake smile back on and left the window. "Nothing. Just came in to help Karkat with his bio homework, but then he jumped out his window like a madman. Said he was allergic to learning," He lied, unashamedly.

"You shitlord!" Karkat couldn't stop himself from cussing.

"Karkat?" Kankri's voice grew louder. His brother's head peeked out from his bedroom window. Quickly, Karkat ducked behind the maple. "I thought I heard him just now, but I don't see him."

Cronus answered him snidely, "Must have really booked it."

Karkat would have to kick him harder next time.

He sighed.

At least he had narrowly saved his virgin lips from having their first kiss stolen. That shit had to be special. He was planning on giving it to the person he'd assuredly be spending the rest of his life with. At least, that's what Drew Barrymore had taught him in Never Been Kissed. And who the hell was gonna argue with such a classic?

He dusted himself off and turned around.

Someone was watching him from the sidewalk. It was a tall, lanky kid in aviators, probably unaware that he was ruining his Converse in a hugeass puddle, munching on Bugles like he was at the movies. His hair was platinum blonde and styled to one side, doing its damnedest to fight against the weather, which had been rainy in the morning but had now settled on a foreboding cloudiness that promised a second bout.

He recalled seeing him before. The guy that always sat in the front row of his AP Bio class but somehow never took any notes. But Karkat couldn't, for the life of him, remember his name. "What the fuck are you looking at?" He slumped against the tree.

The boy shrugged. "Just saw you parkour your way out of your bedroom and into my heart. That was pretty sick, dude. Especially, since you aren't wearin shoes." He pointed at Karkat's feet. His once warm, white, cotton socks were now muddy-brown and wet.

"Fuck." He had been so gung ho about hauling ass that he forgot he wasn't wearing his sneakers. That escape act really could have landed him square on his backside.

Or in the E.R.

"Look," he tried to explain, "I don't really make a habit of doing stuff like that or anything. You just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time."

The boy shrugged again, observing the Bugles he had affixed to his index and thumb. He brought them together and apart like pinchers. "Some might say right time, right place. It's gotta be fate."

Karkat felt a few raindrops land on his face. "Are you actually being sincere right now or are you just mocking the situation?" The one-liners were admittedly heart-throb worthy, but the guy seemed like a total jackass, delivering them without any actual emotion.

"Totally mocking." He smiled. "What? You think folks actually fall head over heels for real when it comes to all that romance trope bullshit?" He pretended to shudder. "Gag. Nah, I'm just playin this up for the hilarity aspect."

Karkat folded his arms. "What a cynical bastard. Bet that kind of smooth talking gets you all the ladies."

The boy lowered his shades and winked. "Don't forget the guys."

Karkat hated the little, momentary flutter in his chest.

The rain finally started to come harder. "Shit!" Karkat brought his arms up to cover his head.

The boy fished around in his pocket and then took out a travel-sized umbrella. He opened it. "You heading back inside now?"

Karkat scoffed. "And risk another encounter with my brother's hormonally-driven boyfriend? Yeah, no. I think I'll just stay here and die of hypothermia, thank you very much."

The boy sighed. "Come on, man. How are we supposed to avoid the obvious romance pitfall tropes if you're gonna act all stubborn." He held out his umbrella. "I'll relent this time. Here. Take it."

Karkat remained pressed to the trunk of the tree. "The day I accept help from some pompous, love-is-dead realist is the day I die."

The boy came nearer, bringing the umbrella to hover over the both of them. He was close, like Cronus had been, but there was something in the way his shoulders remained relaxed that told Karkat he didn't plan on closing any more distance. "Sorry we can't all be hopeless romantics. Will you just take the damn thing so I don't feel morally obligated to stay here and watch you get sick? I promise, it's gonna be a whole lot less awkward for everybody."

The boy nodded in the direction of the street. Peering over his shoulder, Karkat saw one of his neighbors getting home from work, looking a little concerned in their direction as she got out of her car.

Hastily, he snatched the umbrella out of his hands. The boy took a few steps back to stand on the sidewalk again. He did a little finger wave (when had he put more Bugles on his hand?). "See you at school, Karkat."

Oh shit. He knew who he was.

Well, now he might have felt just a smidgeon bad about not remembering the guy's name.

"Goodbye, whoever the fuck," He pretended he just didn't care enough to recall it. Fake it until you make it.