Final chapter! :)

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle and its characters do not belong to me. My writing does, however.

more than a thousand times no

Chapter 10: Healing

He gets a volley of messages on his phone when he reaches home.

Hey, Youou says. You're still alive, right?

When Fai doesn't answer, he adds, Please tell me you aren't doing something stupid to yourself. Then, You're important to me. My parents like you. This is about them, isn't it.

Fai doesn't want to think about it. It makes him sick to his stomach.

Instead, he sets his phone on the couch and retreats to his study, where he fills the inked drawing in with colors. He can't decide if he likes the drawing better with blue and gold, but he has a scan of the line art without them, just in case.

The doorbell rings.

Fai winces, glances at the time. It's not even eleven yet. He should just ignore the boy, but. He can't. He needs a hug, and Yuui isn't there to give him one.

He doesn't even pick his phone up when he goes to pull the door open. Youou is frowning at him, all over again, and Fai sighs. "You shouldn't be here."

"Just wanted to see if you're still around. Tch." The boy steps in, shuts the door, and Fai just stands there, unable to move. "You don't look like crap yet, but you're getting there."

It feels as though his lungs are collapsing.

Something must have shown on his face, because the boy sighs and yanks him into a tight hug. "Look, I don't mean you look bad. I meant it doesn't look like you're not taking care of yourself yet."

His face crumples. Fai hides it in that broad shoulder, nudging his glasses up so his eyes press against soft fabric. "I'm an idiot," he says, while his voice is still steady. "Why do you even put up with this?"

It feels like everything he's read in that book has just gone flying out the window.

"I like you, you idiot," the boy mutters. "I don't want to see you remain this... this person who hates himself. You're better than that."

Fai wails. It sounds twisted and awful to his ears. He bites on his lip so it doesn't escape his mouth, that ugly sound, but it goes on for a long time.

When he quiets, Youou brings him to the couch and sits him down, and he can't look at anyone right now. "I'm just so—"

A large hand goes over his mouth. "I don't want to hear you say things like that about yourself," the boy says. "What happened to the stuff you read in the book?"

He shakes his head.

Youou blows out a sigh. "You have to believe me when I say my Ma and Dad don't hate you."

It takes several tries before Fai can speak again. "You don't know what it's like when"—his breath hitches—"when everyone hates you."

"Something like that's just in your mind, isn't it?"

He shakes his head. "You have a family who loves you, so you don't know. Yuui and I... we were kind of... alone. People didn't really... like us. You can tell. It shows after a while."

"Shit."

"Yeah." Fai shrugs weakly. "It's not something you can fix."

"You ever... seen a therapist?"

He shrugs again.

"I had one," the boy says, and Fai blinks up at him, eyes scratchy. He didn't know that.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Youou looks away. "My Ma almost died three times. I was scared and really pissed. I was beating up people for the smallest things. Just— Just because I could, I guess. I couldn't deal."

"It helped? The therapy?"

Youou nods. "Yeah. Took a while, but eventually I calmed down."

Fai swallows. "Okay."

"So maybe you might want to see one. Or I can introduce you to the one I had. She's not bad."

"I'll... keep it in mind," he says, brittle.

"It's a clinic in the middle of town. Her name is Sonomi Daidouji. You can probably look her up online."

"Okay."

They fall into silence, Fai leaning into the boy, listening to his breathing.

"This should really be the other way around," he says after some time. "Me comforting you."

"Yeah, well. We've been over this."

"So I owe you extra favors." It makes his mouth twitch.

Coppery eyes slide over to him, and Fai looks away. "I can talk to my Ma, if you want. She'll probably understand."

"I— I don't know." Fai grimaces. "I still can't face your parents. Even if they don't hate me."

"They don't. But to be honest, if you tell them we're sleeping together, they'll probably say 'okay' and move on."

He winces. "That's kind of hard to believe."

"You'll see when you actually do it. But maybe you need to talk to a therapist first."

Therapy really isn't a bad idea. For one, it gives him an excuse to stay on longer. If it doesn't help, he'll move out... but he'll stay if he can.

Fai isn't looking at the boy when he mumbles, "I kind of like you. A lot."

From the corner of his eye, he sees Youou's face bursting aflame. "Oh."

He doesn't have anything to say. He wishes they could stay like this forever, though. Safe, and comfortable.

Youou doesn't ask when he leans over and kisses Fai on the cheek. Then, his mouth.

Fai kisses back.

When they finally stop, he can't help asking, "so did you kiss your mom in the end?"

"Tch. Yes. No thanks to you." The boy rolls his eyes, and Fai smiles a little easier.

"Maybe washing your mouth with soap will help," he says.

"Why don't you wash your mouth with soap." The boy harrumphs, folds his arms, and looks away.

"Because I'm only kissing you? And no one else."

"So we're kind of seeing each other exclusively, huh?"

Fai blinks. And blinks several more times. "Oh."

Youou shrugs. "Still not dating."

"Yeah, no. This isn't a date," Fai says.

"Want to go on one?" The boy looks over hopefully, and Fai frowns at him.

"I've still not... decided yet."

"Or, when's your birthday? We could go to the mall and... get you something."

"I don't need anything," Fai protests.

"Fine. But when's your birthday?"

He doesn't bat an eyelid when he answers, "last week."

"What."

Fai shrugs, and Youou leans in, brow crinkled.

Accusingly, "you didn't tell me."

"I don't celebrate it." The boy looks more puzzled than ever, and Fai sighs. "Half of me is missing. How do I celebrate like that?"

"Oh. Oh. Sorry. Damn it. I didn't think—"

Fai kisses him, cracks a smile when he pulls away. "It's okay. I don't expect you to think of that. You're adorable."

The boy flushes again, casts around for a different topic. "What were you doing when you ignored my texts?"

"I worked on the drawing. Do you want to see it?"

Youou nods, so Fai gets to his feet and pads to the study, where the computer hums without music and half a dozen markers are crowded around the unfinished piece.

"It looks good," the boy says. "What're you going to do with it when it's done?"

"I don't know. Haven't decided."

"Framing it? Seems a pity if you don't put it somewhere safe."

"In an album, I suppose." It seems... wrong, perhaps, to let himself keep looking at the drawing. Maybe he'd think it real if he sees it too often. "We'll see."

"Okay." Youou looks around the room, and his gaze lands on the rack of markers next to the desk. "I didn't know which ones you had, when I got you those. Did you already have those colors?"

Fai smiles, shakes his head. "I did not. Guess you got lucky."

The boy grins at him. Fai feels a flutter beginning in his stomach.

"Did you— Have you— drawn us?" Youou's eyes flicker towards him and away, and he is so deeply embarrassed that Fai wants to hug him and never let go. Instead, he nods, reaches for a stack of papers, where he's shoved sketches that he rarely lets himself see.

Then, because they're already too familiar with each other, Fai hands him another stack, the ones he did when his imagination wandered. "You're not bringing any of these home with you."

Youou's mouth falls open when he really looks at the drawings, and his eyes grow wide. "Wow."

Fai shrugs, tidies his things while Youou flips through the pages, lingering on the drawings for far longer than he's anticipated. They are just sketches, so some of their anatomies aren't at their best. It still is testament to the time he's spent thinking about all that, though, that the drawings add up to a thick sheath of paper.

"Do you really want to try all these?" Youou asks, waving the papers at him.

Fai chuckles. "Um. I didn't— I didn't draw them with the intention of actually doing them."

"You never told me that you drew us." The boy is back to looking at the pictures, and Fai has to turn away when he gets to a page that is mortifyingly explicit.

"Um. Maybe you shouldn't be looking at those," he mumbles, heat surging up his cheeks.

"Were you jerking off when you drew these?" Youou flicks a glance at him. "The lines are—"

"Are kind of horribly crooked. Yes." There are lines on those drawings that have gone off, lines that end on a dark point when the pencil lead snapped, and half-finished drawings that he never returned to the moment he was done with himself.

Fai turns to his bookshelves to rearrange books that don't need to be rearranged. He pulls some of the older programming books out, thinking to store them elsewhere to make space for newer books, and looks for something else to focus his attention on. Those pictures are really kind of embarrassing.

There's a rustle when Youou sets the stack of papers down. He doesn't say anything, though, and Fai gasps when the boy comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"I like the drawings," he mutters, his voice rich and low. Fai can't help the rush of heat that sweeps down his spine when Youou presses against his ass, a distinct bulge in his pants.

"Oh," he says, breathless, fingers curling into the glossy cover of Learning Python. "They— They aren't really my best work. Mostly it's— it's just pencil sketches and— Oh, god."

Youou's mouth is on his neck, one hand slipping into his pants, and Fai groans.

They run out of space in his pants, when the boy strokes firm fingers along him and he stops thinking. His hips roll forward. Youou pulls him back, grinds into him.

It's a relief when his pants are unzipped. The boy pulls him out, strokes him slow, looking over his shoulder, and Fai's brain blanks out. He reaches behind for the boy, fumbles with his clothes, whimpers when he gets his hands on raw, straining flesh, warm and hard and leaking wet onto his fingers.

Youou's breath hitches when Fai pumps along him. He pushes closer, and Fai releases him momentarily, lets him grind into the small of his back, and the needy moan that slips from his throat is one that has Youou's hands pushing at his pants, slipping them far enough to barely expose his ass.

His cock grinds solid into the cleft of his ass, and Fai whimpers at the thickness of it, arching his spine so he shoves firmly at the boy.

Youou hisses, drags his cock up along his crack, then changes the angle and grinds down along his entrance, all the way to his balls. Fai shudders.

"Want you inside," he gasps, nails scrabbling at his bookshelf. "Bedroom."

They don't even undress. He falls onto the bed on all fours; Youou grabs the lube and slicks his fingers. He tries to go slow. Fai hurries him through the stretching, jerking when those fingers curl exquisitely inside him, and when the boy finally slides home, the slight burn isn't enough to stop him from moaning aloud.

He begs the boy to thrust harder. Youou's breathing is ragged above him—he's still not used to being inside, yet—and Fai's back arches every time the boy drives into him, filling him completely.

He comes after barely touching himself, spilling all across the sheets, and Youou's release is one that comes with a broken groan and fingers curled bruisingly hard into Fai's hips.

They shower after hanging their clothes up to air. Fai raids his fridge for a snack. Youou settles on the floor opposite like a surly guard dog.

"Want a grilled cheese sandwich?" Fai looks over his shoulder at the boy. "Oh, wait. No cheese for you. Some kind of sandwich?"

Youou scans the fridge contents. "Eggs?"

"That'll do."

Fai fries up some eggs, slathers mayo on the sandwiches, and adds cheese to his own. When he's done, he joins the boy on the floor, eating off his knees.

"You prefer eating on the floor like an uncivilized animal?" Fai says, nudging Youou.

"This is fine." The boy shrugs. Then he grins and adds, "can't do this at home."

Fai snickers. "What else can you not do at home?"

Youou thinks for a bit. "Not much else that I want to do, actually. Sex?"

"That'd be really awkward." Fai cringes. "Singing in the shower?"

The boy rolls his eyes. "I'll do that at home without you in the shower."

Fai pouts. "Oh, come on."

"No."

"I've already shown you my embarrassing drawings."

"Those aren't embarrassing. They're kind of hot." Youou sends him a meaningful glance. Fai scrunches his face up, blushes.

"It's still embarrassing to me. Until recently, they were my deepest, darkest secret, or something."

"I liked them."

"Well. I know that now."

"Can I have one? One of the safe ones."

"Sure. I don't see why not."

They head back to the study when the plates are in the sink. Youou flips through the drawings again; Fai presses close to his side, more for the heat than any real interest in those sketches. He has Youou now. Sort of. It's not like they're dating or anything, but what they have right now is nice.

The boy ends up picking a page with a series of kisses and nuzzles, one that Fai drew on a whim. Fai checks to make sure there's nothing incriminating on the back.

"What're you going to do with it?" he asks, when he hands the sheet over.

Youou shrugs. He folds it carefully up, making sure the sketches fall between the creases. "I don't know."

"You aren't going to put it on your wall, are you?" Fai grimaces. "I'm not sure about your parents seeing it."

The boy shakes his head. "No. It's... personal."

Youou smiles then, a private, little grin that has Fai smiling along.

"I have a box of things," Youou says. "Things I want to remember."

Fai blushes. He has nothing to say to that, but he doesn't miss the importance of those words. His heart is beating too fervently for him to think. "Um."

The boy leans in, presses a kiss to his lips, and Fai is almost too overwhelmed to do anything but return it.

"I don't think I deserve you," he whispers after. "You're just... so good."

"I'm not all that great," Youou says. "I've hurt people."

"Care to share?" Fai snuggles closer, breathing in the boy's musky skin.

Youou remains quiet for a while. When he speaks, his tone is quiet, and his eyes have cut away. "All sorts of people. Younger kids. My classmates. Even some older guys. I almost threw my Dad into a wall. Then there's you."

"I'm fine," Fai says. "Did they get better? Those people you hurt?"

The boy shrugs. "Mostly. I broke a classmate's arm. My Dad... he has a scar."

Fai winces. "Oh."

"So the therapy helped. It took a while, but I learned to control my anger. Mostly. I shouldn't have hurt you."

"I'm fine," he says again, pressing a kiss to Youou's shoulder. "It was just a bump."

They're in towels, right now, and Fai glimpses the boy's back. The welts from his nails have disappeared, by now, leaving the dark red of scabbed lines. He traces his finger along one of them, pausing when he reaches bright, raw skin.

"You've been picking at your scabs?"

"They're itchy." The boy frowns. "I can't help it."

"If you pick at them more, they're going to stay there forever. And then your parents will start asking why, wouldn't they?"

Youou lifts his shoulders. "They're from you. And it wasn't like you were angry or anything."

"Well. Um." Fai blushes. "It was good. I should... try not to do that in the future."

The boy smirks, pleased. "There'll be more times?"

"I, um, I guess. No promises." But he can't hide that he'd thoroughly enjoyed when it happened, and Youou knows. He's received further proof, tonight.

"Okay."

"But it's probably your bedtime now," Fai says, glancing at the clock. "I'm not going to keep you up."

"You did," Youou mutters, and they flush at the same time.

Fai sighs. He plants his hands on the boy's shoulders, turns him around, and pushes him back to the bedroom, where their clothes are. "Time for you to go home. I'll see you again tomorrow. Or something."

"Okay."

They stop to share a kiss at the front door. Youou presses his forehead to Fai's, and everything about his face is blurry from this distance.

"Sleep well," he says. "I'll text you."

"I hope you aren't busting your text limit," Fai tells him.

"'M not."

The boy kisses him again, and Fai feels strangely empty when he shuts the door.

x
x

He looks up Sonomi Daidouji's clinic at work the next day and makes an appointment.

x
x

A couple days later, Youou hands him a plastic bag with two markers in it. Fai frowns. "I told you not to spend more money on me," he says. "Those are expensive."

"I care more about whether you've got those colors," the boy says. "You probably don't want a birthday present, so this is a 'thanks for taking me to the mall for my birthday' present."

Fai hugs him. "Brat," he murmurs, far too fond. "Thank you."

Youou pulls him closer. "Do you have those colors, then? I never know which you really want. But you don't seem to have many of those."

The new markers are red and grey. "I have this," he says, holding the grey up. "But I could always bring it to work."

The boy frowns. Fai stands on the balls of his feet to kiss it away.

"At some point, you're going to be so tall that I can't even do this on tiptoe," he says.

"If it means you're staying, I don't see why not," Youou says.

Fai shrugs, smiles, turns to the kitchen. "I have dates for you."

"Dates?"

Youou follows him, an eager puppy at his heels. Fai grabs a little plastic tub off the counter and pats it into the boy's surprised hand. "See, dates."

Youou's face scrunches up. Pitted Dates, shouts a sticker on the lid, across several little brown ovals. "That's not what I wanted."

"Come on, I thought you might find it funny." Fai pouts. He shuffles close to nudge the boy, and adds, "at least try one."

The boy does, and he grimaces immediately. "That's way too fucking sweet."

Fai hands him a glass of water. "I like dates," he says. "Leave them here if you don't want them."

Youou sets the box back down on the counter. "Ma saw my back last night. After I got back."

"She saw your back?" Fai almost chokes on a date. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

His insides shrivel into tiny hard lumps. Filed down, his nails had not left bloody scratches, but they had been enough to mark the boy's skin with pink all the same. They would have been gone by morning. Fai covers his face and groans.

"I didn't want you to hear it alone," Youou says. He slips his hand into Fai's, grounding him.

"What did she say." Fai doesn't want to hear the answer at all.

The boy shrugs uncomfortably. "Not much. She just looked really amused."

Fai considers dying. Or something. "How— Wasn't she asleep? You got home late. She shouldn't have been—"

"I was changing shirts in my room. She was there when I turned around."

"I can't even fault you for leaving your door open. Your back kind of says a lot."

"So did the hickeys."

"Those hickeys were just neck kisses," Fai moans, rocking on his feet. "What else can we be possibly be doing if I left scratches on your back?"

"Humping?"

"Still kind of too explicit a mental image, don't you think?"

"Maybe she didn't think about it enough to form a mental image. Tch." Youou taps him on the head. "'S long as Dad isn't still on the safe sex jokes, I'm good."

"Those were horrifying," Fai says. "I still can't face your parents."

"Then don't. Go to therapy first."

He calms at that, with a new topic to latch onto. "About that. I made an appointment with Dr Daidouji's clinic."

Youou perks up. "Good."

"I think it'll take a while, though." Fai sighs, leans bodily into the boy. His fingers curl into Youou's shirt, and he breathes in deep, filling his lungs with every bit of that musky scent. "Mm. Soccer practice today?"

"More like I had to jog home from the hobby store," Youou says. "It was late by the time I got there."

"Thank you," Fai says. "On the bright side, you smell delicious. I want to eat you."

Youou's tone drops. "How?"

His eyes darken, and Fai's throat is suddenly dry. He tilts his head, drags the tip of his tongue up the salt-sharp skin of Youou's throat. The boy gulps.

"Right here," Fai whispers. "I want you right here."

x
x

The therapist sees him a week later. Sonomi Daidouji is a friendly woman, kind and calm. Her office is cozy. Fai tells her that Youou Suwa was the one who recommended her, and her eyes brighten with recognition.

"How is Youou?" she asks.

"Good," he says. "Better than I am."

Which isn't saying much, really, considering how very messed-up he is.

They start off with Fai talking about himself.

"I'm sleeping with Youou," he says, wincing. He's prepared for Dr Daidouji to frown, but she doesn't. "That's essentially why I'm here."

He tells her about his fear of the boy's parents, he tells her about his relationship with the boy, as honestly as he can, and he tells her briefly about his past. She nods and listens, and probes him for details about his family. Fai chokes up about Yuui once or twice. He tells her about Mrs Suwa's surgery, and provoking Youou into violence.

"Which was probably stupid of me to, in hindsight," he says. "But I was trying so hard to chase him away."

"Neither of you were injured," Dr Daidouji points out. "I think that's something to remember."

He tells her about reading the book on self-esteem, and talking to Yuui. He tells her about the Suwas' emphasis on safe sex and the jokes that make him briefly consider dying. He tells her about Youou giving him markers and asking for dates. He tells her about his crush.

In the end, the first session is really just a detailed explanation of all the things Fai has done wrong.

"I believe that you are capable, kind and intelligent," Dr Daidouji says. "But what I'd like is for you to believe it, too."

She reminds him that the boy's interest is not something he should reject so readily. She gives him a new set of exercises: listing down negative things about himself, then writing next to them facts to prove those statements wrong. She tells him to keep reading the book and continue with its exercises, too.

Dr Daidouji tells him what they'll be doing if he decides to continue the sessions. Fai nods and says he'll be back.

"I thought you might be disgusted by my— relationship with Youou," he says before he leaves, breath catching.

She shakes her head.

"I'm here to help, not judge you," she answers. He feels some of the heaviness rolling off his chest. "And I believe that your relationship with Youou will be good for you."

It's nice to have someone else who doesn't hate him. Fai smiles tremulously at his therapist, grasping her hand. "Thank you."

"Take care," she says. "I hope to see you again next week."

x
x

Youou stays over that night and hugs him to sleep.

Fai sleeps a lot better for it.

x
x

They talk about improving his self-esteem in the second session. In the third, Dr Daidouji initiates a discussion on relationships.

Slowly, Fai learns to believe that he could be good for the boy— the young man that is every bit his own person.

He bumps into Mr and Mrs Suwa a few times between the therapy sessions. They're polite and friendly every time, and Fai blurts that he's seeing Youou, one day.

Mr Suwa tells him it's all good, and claps him on the shoulder. Mrs Suwa smiles and says they'd love to have him over for dinner again.

All Fai can feel is stark relief when he steps out of the elevator and into his own apartment.

When he tells Youou about the conversation, Youou's mouth twitches, and he leans forward and kisses Fai tenderly.

"I'm proud of you," he says.

Fai's heart is too small to contain everything that Youou makes him feel.

x
x

It's on a late weekend afternoon, when Youou is rearranging Fai's marker rack according to numbers and colors, that Fai realizes how deeply he cares.

It's a little scary, when he thinks about it. Fai hasn't given so much of his heart to another person since Yuui.

"Hey," he says, breathless. "Youou."

Youou turns at the mention of his name—Fai doesn't use it very often at all. His heart quickens.

"I think I— I just realized— I— I love you."

Youou drops a marker.

Fai licks his lips, nervous. "Yeah."

Red eyes blink, and Youou straightens. "Really?"

"Yes," Fai says, "and it's okay if you don't feel the same—"

"Idiot." Youou sets the rest of his markers down, getting to his feet to pull him into a hug. "Took you long enough."

"You mean—"

"Yes. Tch."

Fai huffs a weak chuckle, sagging into Youou. "Oh. We— we haven't even gone on a date yet."

"Are you going to agree to a date now?"

"I guess," Fai says. "It's not like I can keep putting it off."

"What about dinner with my parents?"

"Oh, you." He whacks Youou lightly on the arm. "One step at a time. Dates first. Then we'll talk about dinner."

Youou barks a laugh and leans in to nuzzle at his ear. "Fine. Not like I haven't been waiting forever."

"It's just been months," Fai protests. "Brat."

Youou nips his earlobe. He yelps, reaches out to grab his ass.

"Hey!" Youou says. Fai kisses him on the nose.

Youou presses a kiss to his mouth, and they get sidetracked for a while.

.

"Make me a snack," Youou says when they're climbing to their feet, disheveled and sweaty. Fai frowns; the boy snorts. "Kidding. I'll raid your fridge."

They drag themselves to the kitchen.

"Maybe we should do that," Fai says. "Cook something together. Then we'll invite your parents over for dinner."

"Not a bad idea."

Fai watches from the counter as Youou rummages around his fridge, pants hanging loose around his hips. "I hope your parents go on more dates," he says. "This is kind of nice."

"You think?" Youou grins over his shoulder, and Fai wanders over, rubbing his fingers lightly over Youou's neck.

"Someday... do you think you'll want to move in with me? When you're old enough."

"Yeah. You don't have to ask. We'll have to go on dates first, though."

He laughs, pulls Youou up for another kiss. "Okay. We can do that."

END

A/N: Sooooo... yeah. I hope the ending was not too rushed or anything... When I wrote this, I spent half the fic telling them to get together already, but Fai just wasn't having any of it.

Regardless, I hope you've enjoyed the ride! (angsty as it is) Thank you for staying with me these past ten weeks, and thank you for all the kind comments, faves and follows :) If there are any issues or mistakes/etc, feel free to point them out :)

Piffle is up next week - I'm on chapter 8/ 50k words at the moment, which is amazing 'cause I have been struggling with motivation for the arc after "more than a thousand times no"... the pace/writing style/etc is kind of a shock after 50k words of this fic.

ANYHOW - thoughts on this fic? :) It is... (surprise) actually a fic about healing (sort of).. I hesitate to label it Hurt/Comfort because wow there is a lot of hurt going on. LOL Hopefully, the funny moments were enough to help buoy it up some. ;) Thank you for reading! ! !