"Joker, this doesn't even resemble the original story anymore," interrupted Jervis Tetch. "And the final indignity is really making Harley into the hero of a story which is meant to be about Alice!"

"I told you, Tetchy, I improved it," said Joker. "Made the hero a more likeable character than a weird, Victorian child. No offense, kid," he said, nodding at Alice.

"This is symptomatic of our times," sighed Tetch, despairingly. "The original story is a series of harmless adventures, and you've had to add in fight sequences and battles and attacks on palaces. You can't have any story these days without ludicrous amounts of action and violence."

"Yeah, I have made it more fun," agreed Joker.

"Why do you think Red would want to have you for her King of Hearts?" asked Harley. "That's the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far."

"Hey, she secretly finds me irresistible," retorted Joker. "She'd just never admit it to herself."

"What happened to the Dark Knight?" asked J.J. "Did he just get chased off into the sunset? Will he regain his original form?"

"Is the Jokerwocky gonna be ok?" asked Arleen, concerned. "They are gonna get to him in time, aren't they? He ain't gonna be executed, is he?"

"Do we have any more tea?" asked Alice, holding out her teacup.

"Good to see you're riveted on the story, kid," sighed Joker.

"I'm enjoying it," she said. "Which is why I want tea. It only enhances any enjoyable experience, right, Uncle Jervis?"

"That's right, my angel," he agreed, pouring her another cup.

"Geez, I can think of a couple of enjoyable experiences a boiling hot liquid wouldn't enhance," said Joker. "Few of them are appropriate for kiddies, though, and I did say I'd keep this story PG. Now where was I? Oh yes. So the Jokerwocky was dragged out of the throne room and onto the grounds, where the Queen of Hearts had her executions. Spiked on top of the walls around the grounds were the heads of all her previously executed victims, staring down horribly at the execution block. The Jokerwocky was dragged to this, and his head slammed down onto it as the Knave of Hearts approached him with his axe raised.

"Any last words, J?" asked the Queen of Hearts.

The Jokerwocky glanced at the Knave. "No hard feelings," the Jokerwocky said. "At least I get to die. You're stuck with her."

"Off with his head!" shrieked the Queen, and the Knave obeyed, about to bring the axe down…

It was suddenly knocked out of his hands as a shape pounced on him, the dark, furry shape of the Cheshire Catwoman. The Queen whirled around, and was suddenly struck in the face by one of the decapitated heads hurled at her from the wall by Harley.

"Let go of him!" she shrieked, throwing another head at the Queen, and joined by the other citizens of Wonderland, who aided each other in scaling the wall and mimicked Harley by continuing to throw heads. The Queen staggered back under the assault as the Cheshire Catwoman hurried over to the Jokerwocky, cutting his ropes with her claws.

"Go!" she shouted, pouncing back up to the walls as the playing card guards began to descend.

"Get them!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts, hurrying back to the palace to get away from the flying heads. The Knave shielded her, following behind her into the safety of the palace.

"Harley!" exclaimed the Jokerwocky, beaming as Harley hopped down to join him in the fray, followed by the rest of the Wonderlanders. She raced into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"You came back for me," he murmured.

"Actually, Alice did," she said with a grin. "Lying to them was the only way to get these chumps to cooperate."

"Dame after my own heart!" he chuckled. She beamed, and then kissed him tenderly in the midst of the chaos of Wonderlanders versus playing cards.

"Call me crazy, huh, Johnny?" snapped the Cheshire Catwoman, as her claws swatted at a card.

"Shut up," growled the Scarecrow, cutting a row of cards in half with a swipe of his scythe.

"C'mon, let's get the Queen," said the Jokerwocky, taking Harley's hand and running toward the palace. "The sooner we capture her, the sooner we end this."

The Knave had barricaded himself and the Queen inside the throne room, but even their huge, thick doors couldn't stand long against the force of the combined citizens of Wonderland. The doors broke open at last, and Harley and the Jokerwocky led the charge into the throne room, where Harley pointed her sword at the Queen.

"Surrender," she said, firmly.

"Never," spat the Queen of Hearts. "Kill me, girl, if you have the guts."

"I'm not going to kill you," retorted Harley. "I need you to send me and J back to Gotham, for one thing. And for another, the worse punishment for you than death would be to deprive you of your power. Which I now do, as Alice of Wonderland."

"J said you were the Wrong Alice!" snapped the Queen.

"That was an elaborate ruse so you wouldn't suspect my true identity," said Harley. "But as you can see, I've now saved Wonderland from the true monster. And it's not the Jokerwocky."

She sheathed her sword. "Queen of Hearts, you are henceforth removed from all power in this kingdom forever, and must live like a regular citizen of Wonderland."

"But who will replace her?" asked the Ventriloquist. "We can't function without a monarch."

"Have you ever thought that maybe this whole monarchy concept is a little outdated?" asked Harley. They all just stared back at her blankly. "Ok, I guess that one's a bit of a stretch for you," sighed Harley. "Keep your monarchs if you want, but get a better one than her."

"What about you, Alice?" asked the Ventriloquist. There were murmurings of agreement from the crowd.

"You did lead us to victory, Queen Alice," agreed Croc.

"No, I'm going back home to Gotham," said Harley. "You couldn't pay me to rule this crazy place. But the moment the former Queen of Hearts sends me back, I think I got a solution that'll satisfy everyone."

…

"Harley, where have you been?" asked Alice Pleasance, as Harleen Quinzel emerged from the garden. "Your parents have been looking for you. And who's this?" she asked, nodding at the clown who walked hand-in-hand with her.

"It's kinda a long story," said Harley. "I'll tell you later. Right now, it's such a pleasant evening, you should maybe take a walk in the garden. Be sure to stop and smell the roses though, literally."

"Um…okay," said Alice, slowly, heading into the garden.

"Well, all's well that ends well, huh, sweets?" asked the Jokerwocky. "Those Wonderlanders should be happy now that they've got their Queen Alice. And I'm beyond happy to finally get outta that madhouse."

"Aw, c'mon, J, admit it, you'll miss it," Harley said, grinning at him.

"Nope, I'm glad to be back in the world of normal sizes and minimal poetry recitals," said the Jokerwocky.

"Not so fast!" squeaked a voice at their feet. They looked down to see the still shrunken Dark Knight glaring up at them.

"Oh hey, how did you get here?" asked the Jokerwocky, bending down to pick him up in his palm.

"I snuck into your pocket when you were invading the palace," retorted the Dark Knight. "And I order you to return me to Wonderland, and my regular size, at once!"

The Jokerwocky and Harley shared a look, and smiled. "Nah, sorry, we ain't going back there in a hurry," said the Jokerwocky. "So you should probably make do as best you can here in Gotham. You should think up some kinda new identity like…the Batman! You're about the size of a bat now anyway!" he chuckled.

"How dare you laugh at me?" squeaked the Dark Knight. "You'll pay for this, both of you! I will have my revenge!"

"Sure you will, half-pint," retorted the Jokerwocky. "Go bother somebody else, would ya?" he asked, flicking him away and into the grass.

"Maybe we should take him back…" said Harley, slowly.

"Nah, what's he gonna do?" asked the Jokerwocky. "And I'm never going back to that hellhole if I can avoid it. Guess my time in Wonderland was worth it, though, if it led me to you."

Harley beamed and kissed him. "Harley? Who's this?" asked Harley's mother, turning the corner and shocked to see her daughter kissing a clown.

"Mom, this is…this is…Mr. J," said Harley, smiling at him.

"Mr. J, huh?" asked the Jokerwocky, grinning. "I like the sound of that."

Meanwhile, Alice had leaned down to smell the rosebush in the garden, and was suddenly seized by the thorns and dragged, screaming, down into the ground. She landed with a bump at last in the throne room of a palace, surrounded by a hoard of strange creatures staring at her. One of the more normal-looking ones, a man in a top hat, came forward and smiled down at her. "Welcome home, Queen Alice," he murmured.

…

"So there, y'see? It had an Alice ending after all," said the Joker, finishing the story. "After all that complaining, I made her Queen of Wonderland, just like in the book."

"That never happened in the book," retorted Jervis Tetch. "In fact, Alice doesn't even stay in Wonderland in the book."

"Why not? She's clearly a lot more comfortable there than around normal people," said the Joker. "Seems kinda cruel to make her go back to a place where she doesn't fit in, and where everyone will think she's crazy for saying she went to a land with talking cats and rabbits in waistcoats."

"Wonderland can be read as a metaphor for childhood, and therefore none of us can stay there permanently," retorted Tetch. "Sooner or later, we all have to grow up."

"Well, I don't know about that!" chuckled Joker. "I never have, after all! Which means I don't have to do the dishes either, right, Harley girl?" he asked, smiling at her hopefully.

Harley sighed. "I'll take care of it, as usual," she muttered. "But only because I think you must be tired out from all that storytelling."

"Yeah, it's a real strain, Harl," he agreed. "How my genius comes up with such masterpieces night after night, I'll never know. It just leaves me in awe of myself."

"I'm sure Carroll was much more modest than you," sighed Tetch. "Come along, Alice – let's let the Joker twins get to bed. Be sure to thank them for today, like a well-mannered young lady."

"Thank you for playing with me," said Alice to the twins. "And thank you for the story, Uncle Joker," she said. "It makes a change from Uncle Jervis's version."

"And which do you prefer, sweetheart?" asked Joker.

"Uncle Jervis's version," retorted Alice, bluntly.

"I liked your version better, Daddy," said J.J.

"I like 'em both," said Arleen. "It's ok to like both, isn't it? I don't have to take sides, do I, Daddy?"

"Of course not, princess," he said. "I mean, for certain things you do, because certain things are incompatible. Like boxers or briefs, or vampires and werewolves, or DC and Marvel…"

"I just think it's sometimes nice to hear a new version of a classic tale," said Arleen. "Don't you, Uncle Jervis?"

"No," retorted Tetch, firmly. "I think it's an insult to Carroll, and when I return home, I'm going to invent a device to wipe the narrative from my mind so I won't be subjected to the memory of that insult ever again."

"Wow, tough audience," said Joker, as Tetch and Alice left. "But if he does invent that device, remind me to ask him to let me borrow it. I wanna wipe away some memories of the Star Wars prequels…"

"You two, bed," said Harley to her children, as she headed back into the kitchen. "Your Daddy will tuck you in, and I'll be in to kiss you goodnight later, after I do your Daddy's chores for him."

"Thanks for the story, Daddy," said Arleen, as the Joker settled the twins in their bunk beds. "Maybe you can tell us another one tomorrow night?"

Joker grinned. "Well, to quote another classic story, princess," he said, flicking off the light. "As you wish."

The End