HUMANITY'S STRONGEST VS. THE MP BRIGADE

Levi, Mike and Hange sat at the bar enjoying a nice cold ale after a hard day of training. They came to this bar so often that the bartenders began giving the trio special discounts. This particular trio was especially entertaining after a couple of drinks. So far, no one in Trost had been able to beat Levi at arm wrestling, and Mike could tell everyone everything about everybody based on smell alone. Hange . . . well, Hange could drink anybody under the table. All three had made a fair amount of money in bets alone. Of course, now a days, no one dared bet against them.

The past week had been especially stressful, with Commander Dot Pixis of the Garrison and Commander Nile Dok of the Military Police in town. Levi, Mike and Hange were officially banned from the meetings after a fiasco the first day involving a rubber band fight started by a very bored Levi. Commander Erwin Smith of the Survey Corps had thrown all three Squad Leaders out of the room. Hange was still laughing about it.

"The look on Nile's face when you hit him on the nose, Mike, was priceless," she giggled. "But not half as funny as when Pixis hit Erwin in the ass with that extra big rubber band."

"I still can't figure out where he got one that big," Levi mused.

"Speak of the devil, Nile's coming in," Mike said, though he hadn't turned to look at the door.

"Yeah. Even I can smell him. Did he take a fucking bath in that cologne?" Levi snorted.

"Now I'm gonna have a headache for the rest of the night from the smell," Hange moaned.

Levi turned around and leaned back against the bar and locked eyes with Nile Doc and his entourage seated at a nearby table and inwardly smirked at the cornered rabbit look on the Commander's face. "Tell me, of all the bars in Trost, why did you find it necessary to come to this one? You've just ruined a perfectly good evening of drinking."

"Had I known you would be here, I would have gone elsewhere," Nile replied calmly.

"You still can go elsewhere," was Levi's equally calm retort.

Nile groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Is it really so difficult to just get along?"

"It's not my fault you make it so easy to irritate you."

Mike snorted as he took a sip of his ale and Hange didn't even bother hiding her giggles.

Nile and his men ordered a round of ale, and as the waitress delivered it to the table, Levi decided to do something about his boredom. "Care for a drinking contest, Nile? I have a two drink head start on you."

Nile almost choked. "Not a chance!" The other MPs at the table broke up laughing as they remembered the last drinking contest their commander had engaged in with the diminutive Survey Corps captain.

"He sang 'Two for Tea' the whole way back to Stohess that night," one of the MPs guffawed.

"Off key at that," another confirmed.

"Better scratch that idea then," Levi said in his usual bored tone. "You've still got another two days of meetings here. It's not really a contest anyway. Everyone within the walls knows that MPs can't hold their liquor worth shit anyway. One would think otherwise considering they'll drink anything with alcohol in it at any time of day. In fact, they seem to be drinking constantly."

"Hey! Not all of us drink all the time!" one of the MPs cried indignantly.

"Wanna make a bet?" Levi quickly retorted. "I haven't been in the capital once without seeing a bunch of red nosed MPs everywhere." The MP was a rather large man – not as large as Commander Erwin, but very muscular, so Levi came up with another idea to stave off boredom. "It's not like I blame you for it. What else is there for all of you to do but sit around getting fat and flabby while the Garrison and the Scouts do all the real work and fighting."

"Excuse me?" the MP responded dangerously.

"Laurence," Nile said warningly.

"Listen here you little pipsqueak," the MP continued anyway.

Got him, Levi thought triumphantly.

"I'll have you flimsy Scouts know that we train harder than anyone in the military," Laurence touted.

"Pfffft!" Zoe snorted. "You sit in a gym and lift weights. Big deal! Those muscles may look big, but they're all show and no go!"

Mike caught on to the game and added to the provocation. "This 'little pipsqueak' as you so ineptly called him, could easily take down the entire Brigade."

Laurence and the other two MPs at the table burst out laughing. "Care to test that theory?" Laurence challenged.

Nile groaned again. Hook, line and sinker! My men fall for it every time! I really wish we had picked a different bar closer to the inn!

"Sure," Levi replied. "Arm wrestle?"

The MPs laughed harder. "It's your arm, pal! I'll try hard not to break it!"

"I won't make the same promise," Levi said blandly as they took up positions on opposite sides of the table and prepared for the match. Bets were flying as the MPs bet on Laurence, and the bar patrons, having seen all this before, bet on Levi. Even Mike and Hange got in on the action. Nile, knowing the outcome, just stayed out of it.

Hange cackled maniacally. "You boys are gonna lose a ton of money tonight! Does the fact that everyone in this bar is betting against you tell you anything?"

"It tells me they're all stupid," Laurence sneered.

"Prepare to eat crow," the bartender growled, not appreciating being called stupid. "Ready? Set? . . . GO!"

Not even two seconds later, Laurence let out a surprised yell as his arm was slammed down on the table with a resounding crash.

"I win," Levi stated flatly.

Don't feel too bad," Hange consoled mockingly. "After all, we're all conditioned to fight monsters hundreds and even thousands of times your size."

"No, Four Eyes. They're all just plain weak," Levi disagreed as an idea began forming in his mind. "Like Mike said, I could take down the entire Military Police Brigade single handedly."

Nile was incensed. "Now wait just a damn minute! Every one of those soldiers graduated in the top ten of their Cadet Corps!"

"True. And they haven't use a single one of their skills since. They fight to join the MPs for no other reason than because they know they can spend the rest of their lives being safe and lazy," Levi goaded. "As I said, I can take down the entire Brigade by myself."

Now it was Nile that was hooked. "Care to put your money where your mouth is, Levi?"

"You do remember that I never take a bet that I am not 100% certain that I'll win?"

"I didn't think so," Nile grunted.

"The problem, Nile, is that I am 100% sure that I will win this one. What's the wager?" That was too easy! Levi thought.

"Well, I know you boys –" Nile began.

"AHEM!" Hange cleared her throat loudly.

"Uh – I mean I know you people don't make too much money, so . . ."

This time Levi interrupted. "25,000."

Nile choked, one of the MPs spit out his ale and the other two yelped, "WHAT?!"

"It's a big job," Levi explained. "It requires big compensation. I can fund the next scouting expedition and still have enough left to feed all the families on my block for the winter."

Nile was still in shock. "Are you . . . serious?"

"Very. Next month I'll be accompanying Erwin, Mike and Hange to the Harvest Gala and a number of mundane meetings in the capital. The night before the Gala, warn your people to be on alert, because that will be when I strike," Levi said. "Do we have a bet?"

Nile got a sneer on his face as he reached out to shake hands. "Feels like a shame to take your money like that; almost like stealing, but since it's only you, we have a bet! This should be highly amusing."

Levi let a small smirk show on his face. "Indeed it will."

One month later, on the day of the Gala, Levi and Hange watched with amusement as a large number of Garrison soldiers entered the capital. They sat on a low wall by a park and watched Erwin as he went over to speak with Commander Pixis. "What's going on here?" Erwin asked the older man.

Pixis took a swig from his flask and answered, "We've been called in to take over for the Military Police during the Gala this evening. Seems the entire Brigade is drunk off its ass. Soft idiots can't hold their liquor it seems." He took another swig of his own liquor then pocketed the flask.

Erwin looked taken aback. "The entire Brigade?"

"Yep," Pixis confirmed. "Seems they got into some serious liquor. No matter. This gives my people a change of pace."

Hange looked over at Levi, eyes wide. "What did you do?" she whispered as they sat watching the two commanders talking. Her eyes only got wider as Levi explained what he'd done. The woman suddenly busted out laughing so hard that she fell back off the wall and onto the grass. This, of course, caught the attention of the commanders.

Erwin raised a prominent eyebrow. Why do I have the sinking feeling that Levi has something to do with this?

Two hours later found the two commanders, a couple of Garrison soldiers, Hange, Mike and Levi in Nile's office for a meeting. "Damn, Nile. You look like a week old shit," Levi commented. The man did indeed look terrible; his eyes sunken in with dark circles around them and an almost grey pallor to his waxy skin. "Rough night?"

"No thanks to you," Nile growled weakly, his voice sounding a little raspier than usual.

"Tch! Not my fault you MPs will drink anything in a bottle whether it's marked or not," Levi replied.

"What the fuck was in those bottles? What kind of poison did you use?" Nile demanded. "I could have you tried for treason."

"The same exact stuff that's in Pixis' flask right now," Levi answered. "And he's holding up just fine."

Pixis' face lit up. "Oh! Sambucan Field Liquor! Best libation in the world!"

"You mean the strongest libation in the world," Levi corrected. "All I had to do was leave bottles of the stuff everywhere there were MPs hanging around and whole Brigade went down in one night."

"What? Commander Pixis, how can you drink that? It's poison! I died after just one shot!" Nile was genuinely shocked.

"It's the nectar of the gods," Mike stated.

"It's fascinating the way they make it!" Hange piped up.

"Don't you dare, Four eyes! You'll make me puke!" Levi warned.

"So hold your ears," Hange retorted.

"Hange's right. It's a fascinating process," Pixis said as he took a swig from his flask. "Ahhh! Zacharius had it right when he called this the nectar of the gods! The Sambucans take wild grasses and grains and boil them down to mash along with honey and flowers and occasionally fruit."

Levi started to gag just thinking what came next and decided to cover his ears. Pixis continued. "Making the liquor is actually a social event. To get the fermentation process started, they all sit around a big pot, gossip for an afternoon chewing the mash and spitting it out into the pot. They let the pot sit for a while and then they distil the resulting liquor."

Nile's skin actually took on a faint green hue as he grabbed a trash bucket and vomited into it. "Disgusting," Levi gagged. "Scary thing is, I made this particular batch myself. I needed to be sure I did everything by myself. That was the bet after all. I can now say that I have single handedly taken down the entire MP Brigade all at once."

Nile looked too stunned to respond. "~~Huh~~" He whimpered.

"I win the bet. I exploited the MPs biggest weakness, I made the liquor myself, distributed it myself and you suckers fell for it," Levi bragged with his signature bored expression. "You now owe me 25,000."

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. "Levi . . ." he groaned.

Pixis took another swig from his flask. "Made this yourself, eh? I'm impressed. I couldn't tell the difference."

Nile protested. "That wasn't how you were supposed to do it!"

"I don't recall there being any rule pertaining to how I was going to do it. I just said I would. Did you think I was going to go around hitting everyone on the head? How shitfaced are you right now? I just said I would take the Brigade down. Alcohol was my weapon of choice. The bet still holds," Levi explained.

Nile put his head on his desk. "I'll give you your money before you leave tomorrow. I can't move right now."

"You've been here all night?!" Hange gasped and then burst out laughing. "After only one shot?! Mother of Sina! You're such a lightweight!"

"Please not so loud," Nile moaned.

"Bring my money to the inn before tomorrow night," Levi ordered. "Smells like vomit and swamp gas in here. I'm leaving."

The room was left in stunned silence (all except for Hange who was still laughing hysterically). Pixis took one more swig from his flask. "Ahhhh! Now that I know the secret, even an old fart like me can take down the MPs singlehanded! HA!"