Hello hello!

What's up, how's everybody? I feel so nervous, writing about a new series, but I absolutely adore X, it's honestly changed my life, so I figured I had to contribute something! This archive is full of so many talented authors, I hope I measure up!

ANYWAY, I was planning on making this a one-shot, but then it got super long so I figured I should break it up into pieces. I do that all the time, I'm sorry I'm such a tease! Um, what else? OH a huge thank you to my beta reader, I couldn't have finished this without her support and encouragement and incite. She's magical, truly.

SO YEAH. ENJOY!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I owned X, the manga would have been finished. The title is a lyric from Lana Del Rey's song Ultraviolence, which I was listening to a lot while working on this.

"Kamui, I'm serious, no," Subaru said, his voice lowering dangerously. Kamui stood his ground, unflinching and proud.

"I'm serious too, I-"

"No," Subaru cut him off. "Now let go of me, please." Kamui looked furious and hurt, but said nothing else. He exhaled slowly through his nose and withdrew his arms from around Subaru's neck. He turned away, but looked over his shoulder. Subaru crossed his arms defensively in front of his chest and kept his expression insistent and serious. Kamui glared back defiantly and they held each other's gaze for a few more aching seconds before Kamui finally turned away and left, slamming the door behind him.

Subaru stood stunned for a few seconds, then strode into his living room and slumped down onto his couch, rubbing his eyes wearily. For a split second he thought of calling Kamui back, of explaining… but reached for his cigarettes instead. He lit up and inhaled deeply, savoring the few seconds of rest his habit afforded. Despite turning Kamui away, he felt terribly guilty. It had to be this way, so why was he feeling so conflicted? It's not like he could give in, because- "Ouch!" He had smoked the cigarette so fast it had burned down to the filter, singeing his fingers. He dropped its sad remains into his ashtray and closed his eyes. As if the memories had been waiting to play, he immediately saw Kamui press him up against the wall, felt his arms around his neck, his lips on his own… Subaru rubbed his eyes and lit another cigarette.

"Seishiro-san…" Subaru said quietly, doing his utmost not to start crying again. He was sitting on Seishiro's hospital bed, gloved hands clasped in his lap, staring down at them so as not to see the damaged he'd caused. Seishiro smiled kindly down at him and tilted his head to the side.

"Please don't cry," he said softly. He gently placed his fingers under Subaru's chin and lifted his gaze up. Subaru's throat constricted painfully and tears poured silently down his face. "Don't cry," Seishiro breathed again. Subaru swallowed and stared determinedly back at Seishiro, his heart pounding against his ribs. Seishiro smiled encouragingly, and Subaru leaned forward-

Subaru sat bolt up right, gasping for breath, fear and shock choking his insides. He clutched his chest with a shaking hand, trying to ground himself. His eyes darted frantically, taking in his living room: he must have fallen asleep on his couch, though he couldn't remember doing so. "It was just a dream," he said out loud. "Just a dream!" 'Except it wasn't, because that all happened,' He thought, rather nastily. 'You remember what happened next…' "No!" Subaru said out loud, taking himself by surprise. He swallowed and ran his fingers through his sweaty hair, then sighed as he reached for his carton of cigarettes, only to find it empty. Had he smoked that many? Shame and self-disgust rose up inside him and he crushed the carton in his fist and threw it as hard as he could across the room. 'What is wrong with me?' He thought wearily. He stood up, thinking a hot bath might do him good, help him get back to sleep.

Subaru sat in Seishiro's lap, his back up against the older man's chest. Seishiro had one hand under Subaru's shirt, and the other- "S-seishiro-san!" Subaru groaned, despite doing his utmost to keep his voice down. He felt, rather than heard, Seishiro laugh softly in his ear as he placed a few delicate kisses on Subaru's neck. He gripped him more tightly as he breathed,

"Do you do this yourself, Subaru-kun?" Subaru's face burned and he shut his eyes tight, then, feeling utterly exposed he managed a breathy "yes." Seishiro placed a few more teasing kisses on Subaru's neck, the flushed skin hot under his lips. Subaru moaned softly again, keeping his eyes closed and focusing on Seishiro's touches, his head spinning. "Do you think about me when you do?" Came Seishiro's voice, right in his ear. Subaru's eyes flew open and his breath caught in his throat. His blush deepened still further and he stared up at the ceiling, barely able to breathe. Seishiro pumped him faster and Subaru knew he had to answer, but… "Well?" Seishiro asked, very quietly. Subaru screwed up his eyes and swallowed, his body shaking, pressure building…

"Yes," he managed, in a very sheepish whisper. Seishiro smiled against his neck.

"I love you, Subaru-kun…"

Subaru's eyes flew open and for the second time that night he sat bolt upright, his breath heavy and heart pounding. He ran his fingers through his hair, once again trying to ground himself in the present. He was sweaty, flushed and so hard it was painful. He looked down between his legs hopelessly, but resisted. He wouldn't get off to Seishiro, not again; he'd spent too much time doing that in high school. Why was he even thinking about this, anyway?! He felt angry with himself for remembering: he didn't want to remember his first time at all. His first time, in a hospital bed, trying so hard to keep his voice down and praying no one would enter the room, tears and sweat and…

"Does it hurt?" Seishiro asked quietly. Subaru was on all fours, his pants pulled roughly to his knees. He gripped the crunchy hospital bed sheets, his breathing harsh and shallow. It didn't hurt, but it felt weird and- behind him, Seishiro slid in another finger and Subaru gasped.

"N-no, Seishiro-san," he stammered, trying to adjust.

"Relax," Seishiro said imperiously. Subaru swallowed and tried to deepen his breath, stay focused. Seishiro slid in another finger and reached around to stroke Subaru's erection with his other hand. Subaru groaned softly, but then started as Seishiro withdrew all his fingers from inside and pressed his own erection right up against him. "You have to relax, Subaru-kun," he added, and though Subaru tried, fear and uncertainty kept him tense. He wanted Seishiro; he wanted desperately to please him. He took a deep, steadying breath and Seishiro pressed slowly in. Subaru cried out, tears leaking from his eyes. Seishiro gripped Subaru's erection tighter and stroked him faster. "You got hard again so quickly after you came, Subaru-kun," Seishiro said softly, his voice slightly constricted. "It makes you even more exciting," he continued, warmly.

Subaru felt the compliment radiate out from his chest in a warm soft wave and managed a small smile. He looked back over his shoulder and watched Seishiro push himself completely inside. "You feel so good, Subaru-kun," he added, his voice all the more constricted, and once again Subaru drew enormous comfort from the praise. Finally he was able to relax completely, surrendering totally as Seishiro pulled out and thrust back in. Subaru arched his back and gripped the bed sheets all the more tightly, calling out Seishiro's name.

Subaru pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them. There was no point agonizing over every detail after that: Seishiro had fucked him into the bed, making him come so hard he saw stars. He'd pulled out, rolled Subaru onto his back and come all over his face. Subaru felt humiliated even as he thought about it. He should have known better, that it wasn't okay, but how could he have? At least Seishiro had told him to close his eyes. They'd cleaned up and cuddled for a while, which had been the best part of the whole thing.

That was what Subaru thought most about these days. Lying across Seishiro's chest, inhaling his scent and feeling his soft touches and kisses. The orgasms were nice, but it had all been so overwhelming and scary. Just lying together in such an intimate embrace was far more erotic. Subaru hugged his knees more tightly and wondered, absurdly, if Kamui had just wanted to be held, to lie next to each other that way, would he have let him stay? He remembered bringing Kamui out of his catatonia and being so tired he collapsed on top of him. Kamui had embraced him and held on so tightly, and Subaru would be lying if he said it didn't feel good. Then tonight, Kamui's arms around his neck, chest pressed up against his and the intense, passionate kisses. Subaru swallowed and took his head off his knees. His first time in a long time being touched that way, desired by someone for whom he cared deeply, and he'd panicked and turned him away.

Of course he had perfectly legitimate reasons for doing so: Kamui was too young for him. How could he let him make the same mistake he did? But, would it be a mistake? If it was someone he liked who wouldn't turn out to be, well, Seishiro Sakurazuka… Subaru felt terrible. He should have explained, been honest, but instead he'd sent Kamui away in the middle of the night. Subaru had a sudden visceral flashback of going home from the hospital, convinced everyone around him knew. When he got home he'd managed to fend off Hokuto, though he could tell she knew something was wrong. He'd drawn a bath and cried as he scrubbed himself clean.

Very suddenly, as if shocked, Subaru jumped out of bed, intending to go out for more cigarettes. He dressed haphazardly and was almost to the door, but paused. He should call Kamui, at least, although he'd probably be asleep. He reached for his phone and punched in the number, listening to the dial tone with his heart beating rather fast. "…hello?" Subaru's heart swelled.

"Kamui? It's Subaru." He heard Kamui sigh heavily and the rustle of his blankets.

"What?" Kamui demanded sleepily.

"I'm sorry." The words hung between them.

"I'm sorry too," Kamui replied, and Subaru wondered if it would have been that easy were he fully awake.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Good night."

"Night." Subaru hung up, his heart considerably lighter. He went to the 24-hour convenience store by his apartment for cigarettes and smoked half of them on the walk home. He felt pleasantly doped up as he got back into bed, thinking finally he'd be able to enjoy some uninterrupted sleep. As he switched off his bedside table light, Subaru once more thought of Kamui. In spite of himself, he imagined him there, just as warm and sleepy as he'd sounded on the phone. Subaru sighed, turned over, and fell asleep at once.

The next afternoon, and in some trepidation, Subaru made his way to his and Kamui's meeting place for their tutoring session, though, if he were honest, he still wasn't sure Kamui would even show up. Regretfully, he put out the cigarette he'd been smoking and tucked it back into his carton. He needn't have worried, though: Kamui was already there waiting for him, his school books out. He looked so young sitting there in his uniform, and Subaru's heart ached. So young, with the entire world on his shoulders. Subaru approached him, guiltily trying to suppress memories of the night before. Kamui looked up, a faint blush in his face. "Hey," he said, awkwardly. Subaru smiled and took the seat opposite him.

"Hi." Kamui cautiously returned the smile and Subaru felt heartened.

"Um, did you call me last night?" Kamui asked tentatively. Subaru swallowed.

"Yes, I'm sor-"

"No no, don't apologize, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming." Kamui's hands fidgeted on the table in front of him, but he held Subaru's gaze. "I'm sorry about last night," he continued, very quietly.

"It's fine," Subaru replied, shifting a little in his seat.

"No! I, I put you in a terrible position, I was being selfish-" Subaru placed his hand on Kamui's, cutting him off.

"Stop," he said, firmly but kindly. He made to take his hand away but Kamui grabbed it and held on. Subaru's breath caught in his chest as the touch seemed to pulse through his body. Kamui's palm was sweating.

"I," Kamui began, gazing imploringly at Subaru as he had done the night before. "I just, everything's so up in the air right now, I have no idea what's going to happen, and," it seemed he couldn't say he was afraid, but Subaru understood. "I just… I want something tangible, here in front of me!" He let go of Subaru's hand. "Please be careful," he added, pleadingly.

Subaru felt his heart swell far too large for his chest, constricting his voice. He understood completely and yet was utterly confused. 'Something tangible, he means, me?' He thought, dazedly. He was so wrong-footed by Kamui's compassion, yet found himself wanting more, which was terrible: he wasn't going to be careful; there was no way to be careful! Not with the Sakurazukamori, not when you were fighting to save the world, not when you had, without meaning to, leaned across the table and kissed someone far too good for you, or when he responded with intense, grateful passion, but especially when this allowed you a glimpse of the safety and escape you'd been needing for nearly ten years.

Subaru and Kamui finally broke apart and stared at each other, Subaru still cupping the back of Kamui's head, though he had no idea when he'd put his hand there. Their foreheads touched and the space between them became much more intimate. "Is this what you want?" Subaru asked him quietly. Kamui nodded fervently.

"Yes."

"I can't promise you anything," Subaru continued, his throat tight, needing Kamui to understand.

"Promises don't mean anything," Kamui interjected bitterly.

"I'm serious, I may not-" Kamui cut him off with another kiss, thrusting his tongue into his mouth. Subaru couldn't help but respond. Breathing deeply through his nose, he kissed Kamui back, feeling parts of his body and heart long since shut down begin, very slowly, to awaken.

"Don't say things like that, please," Kamui breathed when they finally broke apart.

"I-" Subaru began, but a rustling in the trees around them brought them both back to Earth. They withdrew from each other, faces flushed, and looked around, but no one was there. "We shouldn't do this here," Subaru said, reaching for his cigarettes and lighting the one he hadn't quite finished earlier. Kamui just watched, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Can I come over later?" He asked. Subaru took such a sharp pull on his cigarette he coughed, but looked into Kamui's determined face. "Please? It's not even a school night!" At that, Subaru started to laugh and Kamui went furiously red at how childish he'd sounded. Subaru continued to smile as he took Kamui's hand again.

"You can," he said, very slowly, "but don't expect anything. I need to think about this." The bell for Kamui's next class sounded somewhere in the distance and he rolled his eyes as he gathered his schoolbooks.

"We'll see," he said, a note of challenge in his voice. Subaru met his gaze impassively, but smiled as he watched Kamui hurry away.

"What am I doing?" Subaru sighed heavily, finishing his cigarette.

For the rest of the day, Subaru flipped back and forth between a nervous anticipation and total fear and self-disgust. "I just… I want something tangible, here in front of me!" Subaru lay on his couch, staring at the ceiling. Something tangible did sound amazing in the face of wishes and curses and spells, 'but my wish…' How could he give into Kamui knowing what his future held? And yet, he argued with himself, Kamui, more than anyone else, would understand.

So much of Subaru's energy was in the future: his wish, his goal, his destiny. The Sakurazukamori, release, the Dragons of Heaven. Or, more painfully still, in the past: with Seishiro, his talent and Hokuto. When was the last time he'd been present? Totally focused, aside from when he was working? He honestly couldn't remember, and an overwhelming sadness seemed to roll over him, taking his feet out from under him. He threw his arm across his face to cover his eyes. "What happened to me?" He asked out loud. Seishiro. Seishiro happened, but he hated blaming him that way. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

'But what about today? At school?' He remembered, suddenly. Kissing Kamui across the table, for even those few seconds… or had it been minutes, hours? He couldn't have said, but he did know he had felt there, in the moment, and maybe the beginnings of release?

A sudden knock on Subaru's front door made him jump, and, sighing resignedly, he got up and went to open it. Kamui stood on the threshold, mercifully changed out of his school uniform. He smiled at Subaru as he entered, kicking off his shoes. For a split second, Subaru expected him to shove him up against the wall and start kissing him, but instead he headed inside, slender hips swaying… "Subaru?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Kamui looked away, and Subaru felt another rush of guilt.

"Nothing," he replied, quietly.

"Sit down," Subaru said, and Kamui perched himself on the couch, dropping his school bag onto the floor. "Do you want tea or anything?" Kamui shook his head. Subaru carefully made his way over and sat down next to him. "I've been thinking," he began, slowly.

"Oh?" Kamui responded, sounding nervous. Subaru bit his lip, trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to say.

"I understand completely," he began, finally, "about wanting to feel grounded, or, wanting something tangible." Kamui nodded. "I think, no, I know I need that too," Subaru admitted, his eyes on the ground.

"Then let me be that for you!" Kamui interjected urgently, and Subaru's heart ached. He looked Kamui right in the eye.

"Just be you," Subaru replied, a plea in his voice. "You don't need to do anything else, just be Kamui, be with me." Kamui's eyes widened. "Do you understand?" Kamui swallowed and nodded.

"But, in return you have to do the same," he said, boldly. A little taken aback, Subaru smiled softly.

"I will." Kamui smiled back and took Subaru's hand.

"I really like you," he added. Subaru squeezed his hand and felt himself blushing.

"We're the same, aren't we?" Subaru stated, a little sadly.

"You could say that." Kamui moved closer to Subaru and leaned his head experimentally against his shoulder. Without meaning to, Subaru placed a soft kiss on the top of Kamui's head. They stayed that way for a while, sitting quietly with each other's energy. "You're sure this is what you want?" Subaru asked.

"Yes," Kamui replied firmly. Feeling braver, Subaru wrapped his arm around Kamui's shoulders, and he shifted so he was resting against the older man's chest. Subaru gave him another kiss on the top of the head and inhaled deeply, smelling his hair and finding his warm weight profoundly comforting. Kamui placed his hand on Subaru's chest and moved it up and down in light, exploratory touches. Subaru closed his eyes, tendrils of excitement spreading through his chest from the contact, feeling that he could have stayed like this for hours at a time. "I really like you," Kamui said again.

Subaru tightened his hold on Kamui's shoulders and rubbed his face in his hair. If your heart was sickly when it was full of just one person, was the loving embrace of another medicine? Subaru brought his other hand up and gently brushed Kamui's hair out of his face. As they locked eyes, Subaru doubted there was a cure for everything wrong with him, but being with someone like Kamui, who just understood… He leaned down and kissed him, cupping the back of his head and pulling him closer. Kamui gasped softly and gripped Subaru's shirt, breathing hard through his nose and thrusting his tongue into his mouth. As their kiss deepened, Subaru felt more in his body than he had in a very long time. He felt every breath, every split second their lips parted, all the heat slowly pooling between his legs…

"Come here," he said, breathlessly. He withdrew from Kamui and pulled him into his lap. Looking excited, Kamui straddled Subaru's hips, placed his hands on the sides of his face and pulled him into heavy, passionate kiss. Subaru groaned softly and wrapped his arms around Kamui, imagining he could feel the skin just under the thin fabric of his shirt. Kamui arched into the touch and began to grind his hips, slowing, tantalizingly, against Subaru, who felt again what had to be the beginnings of release. He wanted to give in, but… Kamui withdrew from their kiss and rested his forehead against Subaru's, his breathing shallow.

"Is this okay?" He exhaled. Subaru nodded, his eyes straying irresistibly down and finding Kamui's erection, constrained by the tight pants he was wearing. A soft gasp escaped Subaru's throat just as nerves flooded his mind. Pulled in different directions, he tried to collect himself, but his heart started beating painfully fast. "Can I keep going?" Came Kamui's voice. Subaru's eyes snapped up again. He swallowed.

"Keep going," he replied, softly, and he meant it. Kamui smiled and kissed him gratefully on the lips, rocking his hips back and forth, and Subaru groaned in spite of himself. He felt Kamui slide his hands down his chest and press them up under his shirt. Subaru pulled out of their kiss and threw his head back in sharp gasp as Kamui explored his chest, goose bumps rising under the gentle, though insistent, touches. Kamui blushed at the effect he'd caused as he leaned forward and began to kiss his neck. Subaru's breath caught in his chest and he thrust his hips up sharply without meaning to. "Sorry!" He exclaimed, his face burning. Kamui just smiled against his neck and moved his kisses up to his ear.

"It's okay," he said softly. He kissed Subaru just below his ear and then bit down on the sensitive skin there. Subaru cried out, his heart, and erection, pulsing. "You're thinking too much," Kamui added, a little sharply, and Subaru laughed very softly.

"Keep going," he told Kamui, wrapping his arms around him and carefully sliding his hands up his shirt. Kamui arched into the touches, crying out softly and gratefully before returning to Subaru's neck, kissing and sucking and biting, his skin growing hot under his lips. Their hips rocked together in an intimate and erotic rhythm, and once again Subaru became completely aware of everything happening: the bruises blooming on his neck, Kamui's back muscles contracting and releasing under his fingertips, Kamui's own hands palming his chest, and then, very slowly, moving down to his hip bones. He inhaled sharply, his stomach muscles pulling in and up, and Kamui ran his fingers teasingly along them.

"Is this okay?" Kamui asked, pulling away from his neck at last to look him full in the face. Subaru felt his erection throb with longing, but he found himself totally unsure. He wanted to stop thinking so much, he wanted to surrender…

"I," he began, awkwardly. Kamui's gaze burned, and he looked away. "Are you sure this is what you want?" Kamui tilted his head to the side.

"I keep telling you it is."

"I know that, but," he needed Kamui to understand. "Have you done this before?" He asked, looking him in the face again. Kamui swallowed, but kept the gaze.

"Once," he replied. He blushed. "With Fuuma, before…" He stopped, his blush deepening. Subaru extricated his hand from under Kamui's shirt and tenderly cupped the side of his face. Kamui took hold of Subaru's hand, rubbing his face against it and placing a soft kiss on each knuckle. Subaru bit his lip. "What about you?" He continued, his eyes flashing. "What do you want?" Subaru sighed heavily and felt his heart constrict painfully. He couldn't tell Kamui his wish, he just couldn't, but what else did he want? He wanted to give in, he wanted to surrender, but he was afraid. Afraid of hurting Kamui, afraid of hurting himself, but, this all felt so good, and he truly did care deeply for Kamui, so why was he still feeling guilty?

"I just want to be with you," Subaru replied, finally. "Now." Kamui smiled and squeezed Subaru's hand. "But I also want you to stop if it gets too much," he added, firmly.

"Do the same for me," Kamui interjected in such a firm tone there was no room for argument. "And don't feel bad for what we both want." It hadn't even occurred to Subaru that that would be an issue, but, when had he ever thought of his own physical or emotional safety? Especially when there was someone else to put first? For a second he thought of Seishiro, luring him in and then doing what he wanted, and Subaru had allowed him everything without even being asked. At the time it had been what he wanted, what he thought was normal: giving your all to someone else in that way, this respect for boundaries was both beautiful and utterly strange. Subaru kissed Kamui full on the lips, his doubts flooding out of him into the younger boy's mouth. Kamui groaned hard and dug his fingers into Subaru's hips. Subaru withdrew from their kiss and looked up at him, his eyes very bright. "You'll stop me if it's too much?" Kamui repeated in the same commanding tone.

"Yes."

I hope you all like it, part two will be up shortly! Thank you SO SO MUCH for reading!

I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!