A Sacrifice

Death was no stranger to Adam Parrish. He had seen people die, he had even shot Whelk, and he had contemplated when his father would get sick of beating him senseless, get his gun, and shoot him from behind. Despite all this, Adam had never truly been prepared to die. He had never truly considered what the life leaving his body would feel like.

As he stood alone in the dark, surrounded by Cabeswater's trees and magic, he contemplated the sensation for the first time. He knew that it would hurt, but he wasn't sure in which way it would hurt. He thought that maybe it would hurt in the way his father's fists did, his body aching with pain for the rest of the week. He thought that maybe it would hurt like fighting with Gansey did, which was a dull ringing that made his fingers and toes tingle with the unfairness of it all. What he settled on was that it would hurt in the way that kissing Ronan for what he knew would be the last time hours ago without telling him anything of what he planned to do: razor sharp and all-consuming.

To save Gansey, Adam had to die. There was no other option, for he wouldn't risk killing him. Even if he was on Blue's death list, it wouldn't be Adam that put him there.

He was ready.

"Cabeswater," Adam whispered, and felt the energy of the forest running through his veins. It was listening to him. "Here's a bargain: My life for Gansey's. If you take me now, you protect Gansey. You know how no harm comes to me? Well, if you take my life, no harm can come to him. That's the deal." He trailed off, waiting to feel something new.

All around him, the forest whispered in hushed tones, and Adam felt as if he was spinning in circles. Like he had when he was scrying with Blue and Noah, he felt like he wasn't a part of his own body. I have legs, he told himself. Arms. Hands. Fingers. I am not Cabeswater. He held his hands out in front of him. Hello, Adam Parrish's formerly chapped hands. Hello, Adam Parrish. I am Adam Parrish. He saw Gansey driving the Camaro in a bright yellow polo shirt, laughing at a joke and rushing a turn because he had been too busy talking about Glendower. He saw Blue and Noah standing together, Blue wearing one of her ripped up shirts and Noah petting her spiky ponytail. He saw Ronan, offering up hand cream, holding a baby mouse to his cheek to hear its heartbeat, trying to wake the Barns, shaking as Adam cupped his face in his hands. Energy from the ley lines flooded his veins, and in that instant, he truly felt as if he were the one and only magician and that he absolutely belonged. I hear if you want magic done, you ask a magician.

He became aware of long vines with sharp edges snaking towards him and curling around his legs and arms and chest. Vines coiled around his hands, breaking bones in his fingers and sending shooting pain up his arms. One slithered down and wrapped itself around his neck. The spikes pierced his body, and Adam could feel wetness trickling down his body. Blood.

A spike pierced his chest, and Adam gasped. That was it. "Remember the deal," he breathed, and fell to the cool dirt. He laid on his back, staring up at the night sky. Slowly, the vines let him go and slithered back into the trees.

I am Adam Parrish. I am Adam Parrish. I am Adam…

Adam gasped and opened his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping, he just hadn't been. Something wasn't right. The stars and moon hung in the black sky above him, and trees surrounded him and formed something like a coffin, but he felt like he was upside down.

He stood up, and something felt off about his body; not like when he was scrying, but more like when he would wake up after being beaten. The sensation didn't wear off, so Adam raised his hands in front of him again. There was a transparent quality to them, like he wasn't quite there but he wasn't quite elsewhere. What had happened?

"Hi Adam." Adam started at the quiet voice, and turned to his right. Noah stood there, wringing his hands and not quite looking him in the eye.

"Noah?" He trembled slightly as he took in Noah's sad, puppy dog eyes, worried lips, and smudgy face. Suddenly, the knowledge of what had happened to him sank in, and Adam looked down at his own stomach. Sure enough, the place where the thorn had impaled him was as smudgy as the place where Noah's skull had caved. "Oh."

"Sorry," Noah whispered. He hesitated, wringing his hands. "Um… how do you feel?"

Adam took stock of his body. "Cold."

Noah simply nodded.

"Why am I still here?" Adam whispered.

"You died directly on the ley line."

"Oh." He had expected to make his sacrifice and then go on to whatever was next, yet Cabeswater had been cruel and kept him as an apparition in the world of the living. Typical.

There was a sinking feeling in Adam's stomach as he thought of Gansey, Blue, and Ronan. He hadn't told any of them exactly where he was going, he had just made sure to say most of what he needed to say to them before leaving Monmouth. They may be looking for him, they may not. Gansey, possibly, but Ronan and Blue may have talked him into waiting. They couldn't be that worried, yet.

"They're looking for you," Noah said quietly.

"Not already."

"Ronan went to St. Agnes about two hours ago." Noah refused to look Adam in the eye. "Um, I think they may be close."

Adam became even colder. He glanced at his own body. He laid sprawled out in a pool of his own blood, the wound in his stomach open and gory. His fingers were broken and his hands were cut; his face was scratched and his eyes were open, staring into nothingness. So that was like he looked like dead. "Noah, they can't see me like this."

"Would you rather them see you in seven years?" Noah asked, looking Adam in the eye for the first time. His gaze was steady and unblinking.

Adam shuddered and tore his eyes away from his own body. "No. No. I'm sorry." He inhaled and ran a hand through his hair. It didn't feel any different than when it did when he was alive. In death, he had the same oil-stained fingers and deaf ear. The only difference was that he wasn't breathing. "Will they be able to see me like I am right now?"

"Not enough energy. But you'll be here. You'll be here until they take you from the ley line." Noah glanced at Adam. "Unless you don't want to be taken from the ley line."

He considered it. He would still be there, present in the lives of his friends, but he wouldn't really be there. His presence would be strange, unfitting, for he would be dead. Unknowable once again, unfitting as always. He shook his head, and Noah nodded.

"They're coming soon," Noah whispered, and he became even more transparent. Adam felt himself become less seeable, too, and a sense of dread flooded him. He had never liked when his friends saw him weak. When his face had been bruised and his lip was split open and his eyes were so swollen that he could barely see, he hated facing his friends. Now, he hated the fact that they would have to find him in such a state and that he would have to see them yet not be able to do anything about it. He willed himself to disappear and go away, but it felt as if he was tied to the spot. At any moment, Gansey, Blue, or Ronan would appear. It felt as if time had come to a standstill, but it also felt as if time was racing by as fast as Ronan's BMW when he raced Kavinsky.

Adam couldn't decide how his friends would react. In a way, he was morbidly curious. Would Blue cry? How would she look when she stumbled upon him looking the way he did? Maybe Gansey's mask would drop for once; maybe he would look more like the boy he was and less like the king most people (including Adam, at times) saw him as. Ronan would most likely get angry, but other than that, Adam didn't know. It hurt too much to think about Ronan. Mere hours ago ago, he had held Ronan against his chest and let him sleep quietly, occasionally pressing a kiss to his face. When Ronan had woken up, he first insulted Adam, but then begrudgingly told him that he had been warm and comfortable. After that, they had kissed for a long, long time.

Adam's curiosity was gone.

"Adam!" Gansey's voice echoed throughout the forest, more frantic than Adam had ever heard it before. His voice was usually smooth, like a stone that had been buffed by a river, but now it was jagged and rough. I did that. He's worried because of me. For me. "Adam, are you here?"

"Adam?" Blue called, her voice trembling slightly. He pictured her holding her pink switchblade in one hand and holding Gansey's with the other. He hoped that they were holding hands.

"Asshole!" Ronan's rough voice shouted the insult, and a phantom pain sprouted in Adam's chest. "I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't show your ugly face." Although his words were harsh, his tone betrayed him. He sounded hoarse, as if he had been screaming, and worry seeped through. Adam braced himself. "Murder squash song for all eternity, Parrish."

Leaves rustled, and Adam saw Blue first. She stepped through the brush with a flashlight in hand, her hair spikier than usual and her clothes shredded, and stopped dead in her track when she saw Adam's body.

"Adam," she whispered. She glanced over her shoulder, then when she saw no one was following her, she approached his body with careful steps. "What did you do?" She knelt down beside him and ran one small hand over his cheek. Adam felt nothing. "Adam?" Tears started to run down her cheeks and her body shook. "Adam, what did you do, I never should have told you, Adam!" She gasped for air. "Gansey! Ronan!"

They came tearing through the brush at the same time, Gansey panting for air and Ronan wild-eyed and full of raw, violent energy. Gansey took one look at Blue's shaking shoulders, and Adam saw him deflate. His shoulders sunk, the hopeful look in his eyes was replaced with guilt and sorrow. "Oh, no," he murmured, and dashed over to Blue. He gently pushed her aside, and gasped upon seeing Adam's body. For once in his life, Richard Gansey III seemed as if he didn't know what to do. He hovered his hands over Adam's body, not touching him. "Adam," he whispered, his voice low and jagged. "Adam, please." He decided upon his shoulders, and shook Adam gently. Adam watched his own head lolled to the side before Gansey buried his face in his hands. He stood up and stumbled a couple feet away. Blue immediately followed him, tears streaming down her face silently, and wrapped her arms around his chest. "This is my fault," Gansey whispered hollowly, staring at Adam as if he could command him to get up, to come alive once again. "This is all my fault."

Suddenly, an inhuman, grief-filed sob fractured the silence. Adam whipped around to see Ronan, his shoulders tensed, his face drawn, his hands in white-knuckled fist, punching and kicking at a tree. "God!" Ronan punched a tree and didn't wince when blood ran from his knuckles. "Fucking!" He kicked the same tree with his mud and oil-covered boots. "DAMMIT!" Adam expected another punch, but instead, Ronan collapsed against the tree, his breath coming in short, sporadic gasps. Then, he wrenched himself away and stalked around the clearing with wild, roaming eyes. Adam figured he was looking for something else to punch. Ronan plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, then hurled it against a tree. "Fucking FUCK!" The phone shattered into pieces. Blue stared with an open mouth while Gansey looked away from Adam's body angrily.

"Ronan!" he shouted, the special voice he used when he wanted Ronan to listen to him making its appearance.

"What?" Ronan fired back, his teeth bared in a wolflike fashion. "Am I not being decent?" He laughed cruelly. "Hate to be the one to break it to you, but the time for decency is gone." He laughed again, then pointed to Adam's body. "Adam is fucking dead. This isn't just magic hide and seek anymore, Gansey!" The words settled in. By the look of horror on Gansey's face, it would have been kinder to have struck him. Ronan stared at Adam's body with wide eyes.

Don't look anymore, Ronan, stop looking, Adam willed, but as always, while Adam looked at Ronan, Ronan looked at Adam.

Ronan stumbled backwards, both hands over his mouth. "He's dead," he whispered. "He's fucking dead." As if someone had untied phantom ropes, Ronan surged forward, falling to his knees by Adam's side. He doubled over, a cry of pain escaping from his lips. While Gansey had hovered his hands over Adam's body like he was something untouchable, Ronan's hands roamed his body. He ran his hands over the wound in his stomach and came away with blood hands. He cupped Adam's cheek gently and pushed back sweat-matted strands of hair, his face devoid of any emotion and his body entirely still. Adam willed himself to feel any of the touches, but it wasn't possible. Another phantom ache came over him, and he suddenly wanted for it all to be over.

Adam glanced at Gansey, and his expression was unreadable. The mask he usually wore was on in full force, but Adam couldn't bring himself to be bitter. Something he had realized was that Gansey's mask was for defense. He felt everything so deeply that if he showed it, he would lose the power he held over people.

"His hands." Ronan's ragged whisper came from nowhere. Adam turned back around to see Ronan cradling one of Adam's destroyed hands in his own. He gently ran shaking fingers over Adam's broken, swollen and bruised fingers, barely brushing them. He traced the cuts and split-open veins like they were roads on a map leading nowhere, and for the first time, his lower lip twitched. "His hands, his hands." Ronan repeated the phrase like it would somehow bring him back. Then, he raised Adam's hand to his lips and kissed it gently. One tear ran down his cheek, but he didn't move to wipe it away. Instead, he kept his lips on Adam's palm for a very long time with his eyes shut. Blue glanced at Gansey, probably seeking an explanation, but Gansey was transfixed by the scene in front of him. Silence hung heavy in the air.

Adam couldn't tear his eyes away from Ronan. He didn't regret his sacrifice, but he regretted that he couldn't comfort Ronan, offer false platitudes, or kiss him. He shuffled closer, wondering if he could sense his presence, but it was to no avail. Unknowable before, unseeable now, an inside voice reminded him.

"We can't stay here forever," Gansey blurted out. "We… we have to take his body back." While his tone was matter of fact, his eyes were bright and his face lacked any color. He pulled away from Blue and knelt down by Ronan, putting a hand on his shoulder. Ronan didn't react to the touch. "We have to take him back."

"How could he be so fucking stupid?" Ronan whispered as a response.

"He thought -" Blue blurted out. A chill ran through Adam. Gansey couldn't know that Adam traded his own life so that he could live. It would only intensify his guilt and burden him, and Adam didn't want to be a burden even in death. Somehow, Blue seemed to realize this, and went silent. Neither Gansey nor Ronan pressed for an answer, and Adam sighed with relief.

Ronan stumbled to his feet, then gently lifted Adam into his arms. Adam's limbs hung limply, but Ronan cradled his head to his chest, like Adam was merely sleeping and he would wake up soon. He glared at the other two, daring them to say something, but neither one did. Instead, they walked in silence to the Camaro. Adam trailed behind. He could feel his presence growing fainter as they moved farther away from the ley line. Gansey slipped into the passenger seat wordlessly, and Blue and Ronan were left standing outside. They made eye contact for a moment.

"What, maggot?" Ronan snarled, but he didn't quite manage his usual malice.

"You don't have to pretend to be a dick right now," she said softly.

"But I am a dick."

The response made Blue smile very slightly as she slipped into the passenger seat. Ronan laid Adam into the backseat, and then climbed in himself. Once he was settled, he gently pulled Adam's head onto his lap and stared. He began to cry silently as Gansey started the Camaro, and it was so unlike Ronan, so strange, that Adam willed himself to come back to life just so he could set everything right again. Ronan would be mad, he would be furious, but he would never, ever, hit him or be intentionally cruel. He would be mad, but he would also be happy to have Adam back, even if he would never say it.

Instead, as the Camaro left, Adam faded.

He hoped that that would be it.

It wasn't. He became once again in the main building of St. Agnes, the place where dream Ronan had died. The place where his body was lying in an open casket. He wasn't truly present, not present enough to be visible, but present enough. Some internal instinct told him that this would be the last time he would be present.

He was going to be buried in one of Gansey's nicest suits. Adam tried not to feel mad. In the past, he would have seethed that Gansey could finally give his charity now that he was dead, but now, he knew that he was just trying to show his love in any way that he could.

All of the pews were empty except for the front one. Gansey and Blue were sitting together and holding hands, something that eased Adam's conscience. At least they had each other. Gansey wore a fancy suit and bags under his eyes, while Blue wore a dress that Ronan had once compared to a lampshade on a night where they had laid awake talking for hours.

"I don't know what I could have done differently," Gansey said helplessly. His head was down, and he touched his cheek and forehead with his free hand. "How could I have saved him, Jane?"

Blue didn't reply, just squeezed his hand.

"I haven't cried once," Gansey said, sounding guilty. He didn't look Blue in the eye. "I feel like I'm broken because of it."

"Everyone reacts differently," she replied gently.

"It's just… I only wanted to help him. I never… I never wanted... " Gansey fumbled over the words, then just gave up on them. He leaned back in the pew.

"You know, it took three whole months for Adam to actually tell us about what his dad was doing to him," Gansey said quietly. "He would tell us that he just had accidents at work and that it was his problem to work through. He only told us when Ronan threatened to go over to Adam's by himself and see what was going on." Gansey laughed, and if Adam could have cried, he would have. "He was so determined to leave on his own, and he would have done it if I hadn't dragged him into this." A tear rolled down Gansey's cheek. He caught it and stared at it with wonder. "Well, guess I'm not broken, Jane." They sat in silence.

"How's Ronan?" Blue whispered.

"He won't talk to me. I'm pretty sure he's in Adam's room right now. He told me that he missed him when he was drunk the other night." Gansey looked rather gray, and suddenly, he buried his face in his hands. "Blue, I don't think anything that comes after this will really be worth it."

"But it will," Blue insisted almost immediately. For a moment, it was as if she staring straight at Adam, and he wondered if she didn't have a little bit of psychic in her after all. "And you can't quit, because if you quit, you're failing him. Ronan and I are still here for you, you know." Her voice trembled, and he knew she was thinking of her death list and Gansey's name. Hopefully he had secured their happy ending.

Gansey was quiet for a moment, but then he squeezed Blue's hand. "Thank you, Jane."

Adam smiled slightly. They would be okay.

Now there was just one more person to take care of.

Adam was suddenly in his tiny room above St. Agnes, the room that Ronan had helped him find, the room that had a lowered rent because Ronan had bribed a nun. He found himself surprised that it looked exactly the same. An half-eaten, rotting apple was on the desk, along with calculus homework that would never be finished and a chart of Latin stems that would never be learned. His heart sunk. So this was being dead.

There was a moan from behind him, and Adam turned to see Ronan stretched out on his narrow bed, still in his suit for the funeral. He was curled in on himself, his face contorted and his eyes moving back and forward. Ronan stirred. "Adam, please," he whispered. Adam reached out for him, and then pulled away.

Ronan had kissed him on this bed. They had been sitting there in silence after a brush with death when Ronan, with no preamble or other warning signs, had kissed him. The kiss had been chaste and over quickly, with Ronan leaping back as if Adam's lips had been on fire. He had stuttered out an apology, but Adam hadn't heard half of it because he had been too busy kissing Ronan again. For once, Adam had felt like he was entirely in control of the situation. Ronan had pulled him on top of him and they had kissed for hours and hours until both of their lips were raw and red.

Now, they would never do that again.

Adam moved towards the bed, willing Ronan to stay asleep. He just wanted to watch him be at peace, just for a little bit, just until he faded. He could pretend that Ronan would be okay, that he wouldn't slip into self-destructive habits, that he wouldn't drink himself into a stupor.

But he wouldn't get even that. Ronan gasped and sat straight up, and looked straight at Adam. He froze, positive it was just a coincidence, but then Ronan didn't look away.

"Adam?" he whispered, his eyes blown wide and his lips slightly parted in wonder. He stood up and closed the distance between them.

When had he materialized? Maybe he was just using up the last of the energy he had. Maybe it was just Cabeswater. Or maybe it was because they were both a little bit magic and fate had decided to be kind for once.

Anyway it was, he had to make it easy for Ronan. "This a dream," Adam whispered. He knew that Ronan hated lies, but he wasn't brave enough to face him in this half-dead, half-alive state without a lie. It would be easier for both of them to accept.

"I'm awake."

"But you aren't, Ronan. You're only dreaming."

"Fuck." Ronan grabbed Adam's slightly transparent hands and held them tight. Tears appeared in his eyes. "Fuck, Adam."

"Listen to me, Ronan. Gansey is going to need you. Blue is going to need you. You can't be an idiot and self destruct. Take care of them and yourself."

"Adam." Ronan closed his eyes. "I can't."

"But you can." Adam leaned his cold forehead against Ronan's. "I believe that you can."

Ronan kissed him roughly first, their teeth clashing together and lips not quite fitting together perfectly, but then he kissed him gently, like they had been made as puzzle pieces that fit together seamlessly. Ronan was so warm and he was so cold, and it took all his willpower not to steal all of Ronan's warmth for a temporary relief.

It was time for him to go.

"I love you," Adam whispered, and Ronan whispered it back. Adam felt himself fading from Ronan's arms, and he couldn't help but smile.

His time was up, but everything would be okay.

He slipped into the waiting darkness.