I want to preface this story by saying it is indeed true, I do have 99 problems, and it is also indeed true, that a b**** ain't one.

"Life without parole!" Officer Bellick slapped down Jason Todd's sentencing order onto the steel table in front of him.

Jason shifted his wrists in the handcuffs. "You don't think that was needlessly theatrical?"

"Coming from a man who wears a gigantic bucket over his head, fights crime and occasionally saves kittens." Then he felt the need to tack on, "you sicken me, Mr Todd."

He said it with such sneer, like he was the most victorious guy in the world for having caught the Red Hood. Right now, the helmet was probably in lock-up along with all the rest of his stuff. Jason still felt the need to justify it though. "It's actually a protective visor." Then he twitched his nose. "Hey I know this is a bad time but there's kind of an itch on my nose."

"You think I give even two thirds of a shit about your nose?"

Two thirds of a shit? "Okay also … needlessly theatrical but I guess I'll just have to ..." Jason twitched his nose uncomfortably. Then he tried to get the itch with his tongue.

Bellick had one eyebrow permanently raised and he flung open the sentencing order.

"Four hundred and thirteen murders to your name, Red Hood."

Jason shrugged. "Would it help if I told you they were all criminals?"

"Four hundred and thirteen murders to your name."

"Hey come on now," Jason said, "I'm sure it's closer to … three hundred and ninety-six … I'm not a sociopath."

"Yesterday you beat a man to death with your bare hands and then slept in his bed where we eventually found and arrested you whilst you were still covered in his blood."

Ah. Well … that wouldn't exactly help his 'not a sociopath' case. "Would it make you feel better if I told you he was a rapist?"

Bellick snarled his discontent.

"Fine I guess three hundred and ninety-seven if you count the man I murdered yesterday."

"Mr Todd."

Jason smiled. "Hi."

Bellick crashed down into the opposite prison chair with the look of a pitbull. Jeez, everything he did seemed to be with anger. He licked his finger and then he flicked through Jason's folder and kept his eyes on Jason. "Officially dead for nine years Mr Todd."

Well Jason didn't need to tell him the truth. "Yeah I faked my death."

"There's a file here for a post mortem done nine years ago that matches your teeth, DNA, scars and name."

Shit. "Right so I actually lied. Funny story actually, I did die. And then I came back."

Bellick thought that was funny. He started to laugh. And because laughing was contagious, now Jason couldn't help a titter. Bellick laughed even louder and Jason started to chuckle loudly too. Eventually Bellick was roaring with laughter and so was Jason. Then Bellick stopped and his face went back to a slapped arse.

"Mr Todd."

"Hi."

Bellick furiously clambered onto the table on all fours and looked Jason in the eyes.

Jason leaned back. "Seriously, what is actually wrong with y-"

"Do you know what I see when I look at you, you scumbag?"

Jason thought about it for a second. "I'm going to say a scumba -"

"I see a goddamn scumbag!" Bellick's face was red and furious. "And I ain't got time for no scumbags."

"Right," Jason said, "so anyway when I get to Fox River, could I get like a top corner cell or something?"

"You want a top corner cell?" Bellick was still on top of the table on all fours and staring Jason down. "You know what I don't understand?"

"There's something very wrong with you, officer."

"How did you manage to get yourself caught …" Bellick started, "when we've been hunting the Red Hood for nine years and never even caught a whiff of you."

"In all honesty?" Jason leaned a bit back from Bellick's rabid face. "Wrong place, wrong time."

"I've been on your case for nine years Todd," Bellick said, "and yesterday you decided to make your first ever mistake?"

If this guy had been the lead guy chasing Jason for nine years, it was no wonder Jason hadn't been caught. But Bellick was right, Jason had been caught on purpose. And the reason for that was very simple. He wanted to sever all ties with the bat-family forever after. That was Jason's only goal for going to prison. So now, all he wanted was a nice cell where he could live the rest of his days happily without ever having to think about Dick, Tim or Damian again. "I was on holiday."

Bellick was still on all fours on the table. "Well you've got a guest Mr Todd … and he was very insistent to see you."

Oh, fuck no. It'd be Bruce. "No."

"Yes."

"No."

Bellick leaned forwards on the table. "Yes."

"No, I got caught in Fray Bentos in the middle of Uruguay around 3,702 miles from Gotham so that he wouldn't find me."

Bellick laughed and then his face became deathly straight. "Well guess what."

"He found m -"

"He found you!"

"Okay jeez, just go have some cake or something, you're such an angry man."

"Don't tell me what to do, Mr Todd!" Bellick practically roared with a beet red face and then his expression went back to straight as he stared Jason down. "But y'know what? I'm going to do that. And do you know what cake I'm going to have?"

"I'm going to guess cheesecake?"

"No!" Bellick roared. "I was going to have a triple strawberry gateaux. But y'know what?"

"Cheesecake sounds better?"

"Cheesecake sounds better!"

Jason nodded. "Right. You enjoy that."

"Don't tell me what to do, Todd," Bellick said and then rolled off the table and crashed onto the concrete below. Then he stood up and brushed himself off. "I'm going to leave now. You have fun with your friend."

Jason placed his cuffed hands onto the table and watched the door as Bellick left.

Then all the lights went out.

Jason closed his eyes. Of fucking course.

Then the lights flashed back on and there stood Batman, menacing as ever. He immediately used some gadget on his belt to turn off all the cameras and voice recorders in the room. "Jason."

Jason smiled awkwardly. "Hi Bruce."

"You're in prison?" Bruce said in that ridiculous Batman voice he always used that made it sound like he just had throat cancer.

Jason took a deep breath. "Bruce I feel like there's a lecture coming, and I just want to let you know right now that I'm a fully grown man." He shifted his cuffed hands. "So I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out if you lecture me."

"You got yourself arrested, Jason."

You could probably throw a cat at Bruce's face that would claw into his facial features for an entire year and Bruce would still have a completely unreadable face. "Seriously your voice … it's like you're constantly gargling marbles or something."

"Did you not even think they might actually give you the death penalty -"

"Oh god, your voice - like someone is just taking a cheese grater and fucking my ears with it …"

"What about Damian? Do you know how much he likes you? Do you really think he would be happy that …"

"Like someone's just … pissing all over my brain ..."

"You were once an example Jason, how could you have let yourself …"

Jason turned to the door and shouted over Bruce's voice. "Hey could I get like a small razor or something in here? I think I'd like to self-harm now."

"Jason," Wayne said finally and snapped Jason's eyes to him. "Why are you doing this?"

Jason grit his teeth. Looks like he was gonna have to be square with his former mentor. "Look it's … it's not you, Bruce. Don't put on that 'I let you down and you are the reason I can't sleep at night' voice. I just want a nice cell in a corner where I can cry myself to sleep. Is that too much to ask?" Jason leaned forwards. "I get transferred to Fox River tomorrow. Just leave me alone. If you really wanna keep in touch, write me."

"I'm sorry Jason," Bruce said, "honestly - don't do this."

"I forgive you Bruce," Jason said, "I just don't want anything to do with you."

Bruce said nothing.

"So if that's all we have to talk about, I'd like to be escorted to my holding cell. Tomorrow I get transferred out. Bye Bruce."

"Jason …"

No he didn't need any condolences now. He couldn't do anything with any condolences. "Guards! He's done."

"I'm sorry Jason. I'm so sorry."

"Guards!"

Bellick burst in through the door, his lips covered in what Jason assumed to be cheesecake.

Jason raised his cuffed hands. "Take me away, officer."

Bellick looked around at Batman. "Mr Batman, I'm a big fan. I wanted to tell you though that you should probably get your vocal chords checked as you may very well have throat cancer."

"I don't have throat cancer," Bruce garbled but it sounded more like 'bli don't have thraiosddj cancerfj' then the lights went out and when they came back on, he was gone.

"God I love that man," Bellick said whilst tugging up his trousers. "That throat cancer voice." Bellick made a guttural 'mm!' sound from his throat. "You know him?"

"Nah," Jason said.

Bellick and two other guards escorted Jason back to his cell. They then undid his cuffs and locked him into the cell which was basically a small bed and a toilet.

And as soon as he was in, he rubbed his hand through his hair. Then he collapsed into the wall and down onto the floor.

Why was he getting worked up? He didn't need Bruce's pity, or any of the other bat brothers.

He just needed to be alone.

Corner bed in a corner cell at Fox River - that's what he needed. He crashed into the bed and wrapped himself in the blankets.

Corner bed in a corner cell.

He smiled and slowly sunk into sleep.

It was too bad then, that Jason didn't know that earlier Dick Grayson, Tim Drake and Damian Wayne had gotten themselves arrested and were being transferred to the very same prison to break Jason out.

Little side project on the side of EWTRTW. It's not going to be nearly as big in scope, and this is a comedy whereas that has comedic elements but is mainly more an adventure-drama. This is going to be equal parts court-drama, prison break and bat fluff :)