Somewhere Between Raising Hell and Amazing Grace

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all.

Summary: What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

Fighting For Nothing
Chapter One:
"Secrets and Lies"

Lila flips aimlessly through a magazine in the doctors office, her foot taps absently on the tile floor. She really wants to just run out of there and never look back but she couldn't, she had to take care of this thing.

Yeah, she was still referring to it as that. Because she didn't want to say baby, baby made it sound cute and cuddly and this thing growing inside of her was a monster. It made her sick and moody and she cried all the fucking time.

She didn't like it one bit.

And sure, maybe things would be different if he was here, but he's not. His drunk brother is. And yeah, Sam really does mean well but you could smell the whiskey on his breath from a mile away. It had become a constant state for the younger Winchester, but Lila couldn't leave him. He was all she had left.

Lila tosses the magazine to the side and nudges Sam and he wakes up with a start. "Talk to me I'm nervous."

"Its bright in here." He scoffs, covering his eyes with his arm.

She rolls her eyes. "You didn't have to come."

"Who else is gonna come to these things with you?" He clears his throat.

"True..." She looks around the room, women all at various stages of pregnancy are sitting in the waiting room. She gets stuck looking at a women who looks like she is ready to pop, holding her husband or boyfriend's hand with a proud smile on her face.

She hates them.

"Joan Larkin." The nurse says and Lila stands up, ready to get this over with. Sam joins her and they walk awkwardly back into the room.

The nurses eyes stay on Sam, "Sir are you okay?"

He nods.

"Sorry, my brother here just got off work. He's just a little sleepy."

She nods, eyes leaving Sam finally. "Well Ms. Larkin I just need you to pee in this cup for me and the doctor will be in to see you soon.

Lila takes the cup from her goes into the bathroom to fill it up. Her hands are shaking because she's nervous. She wants them to tell her that this is all some mistake and she has some horrible disease that just has the same symptoms as being pregnant. She wants nothing more to wake up and this all be a dream.

But then she sees it, little traitor, all gray and grainy on the small ultrasound screen.

Her baby.

Sam is wiping tears from his eyes as the doctor prints them a roll of pictures off. She hands them to Lila with a smile. Assuring her that everything is normal and the baby is growing just like it should.

"You should go." Sam says as the get into the Impala.

She looks away from the pictures, glaring at him. "What?"

"You can't let anything happen to you, to the baby. I mean, its the last part of Dean."

It feels like he punches her in the gut with that one.

"I can't just go Sam."

He scoffs. "Why not? You gonna put a carseat back there? You gonna drag your kid on hunts like my dad did us? Do you really think Dean would have wanted that?"

"Enough."

He sighs. "I'm sorry – I'm..."

"Drunk." She scoffs.

"I was gonna say upset."

She rolls her eyes. "I don't have any where else to go. I gave up everything for him..."

"He would want y'all to have something normal Lila, he would want you both to be safe..."

...

What the fuck was normal anyways?

She asked herself this as she climbed the steps to Bobby Singer's front porch with a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon tucked under her arm. What the fuck did it mean? Was it having a mini van and nice house and some cushy job in the suburbs? Because the only thing that ever felt normal to her was Dean.

She knocks twice and Bobby was there, eyeing her suspiciously.

"I come baring gifts." She held the bottle up and he smirked, stepping aside to let her in.

"Where's Sam? I thought you two were working together?"

"Creative differences." She tells him, opening his cabinet and getting him a glass down. She rinses them both out before she poured him a glass. "Have you ever heard of Dawn Bobby? It won't leave spots on your glasses..."

He chuckles. "You didn't come here to criticize my choice of dish-soap did you?"

"I didn't know where else to go."

He nods and takes the glass from her. "You're not drinkin?" And he honestly looks a little more shocked than she had ever seen him look before.

"Not for a while actually..."

He tosses his glass back and then its like it hits him.

"Don't say congrats because I might have to slug you..."

He smirks. "How long have you known?"

She shrugs. "Not long. I didn't... get the chance to tell him."

Bobby sighs, reaching to touch her shoulder. His eyes are soft and kind and she has never seen Bobby Singer look more like a teddy bear. "I've got a spare bedroom. It's yours if you want it for now, til we figure something out."

"Thanks Bobby."

He nods, reaching for the bottle and pouring himself another glass. "I'm guessing this has something to do with those creative differences you mentioned earlier?"

"Sam thought it would be better if I tucked tail and ran, if I just got as far away as I possibly could from the whole hunting lifestyle but that just felt like a copout, and I can't do that."

He swallows the rest of his glass. She won't admit she's jealous, but she really could use a drink right now.

"My wife was pregnant once," Bobby says softly. "She lost the baby a few months in but I think I still have a crib in the attic."

Lila can't help but start crying then. It meant the world to her that he was willing to help, because she wasn't going to out right ask for it, from any one. But she didn't have many people left in this world that she loved, and Bobby Singer was definitely one of them.

"Thank you Bobby."

"Oh." He says, shaking his head and trading his glass for the entire bottle. "Don't start all that crying crap. I don't do tears..."

She smirks, wiping stray tears from her cheeks. "No tears." She promises, holding her hand out for him to shake. He tries to hide his smirk but his eyes are shining. He shakes her hand and then takes another long drink straight from the bottle.

"I'll go get you some clean sheets..."

…

She bought him some new curtains and a new throw rug for the living room. She even introduced him to fabric softener and Febreze and Bobby Singer's started looking and feeling more and more like a home.

He went on hunts sometimes, and she stayed back and answered his phones and helped with any questions she could. She cleaned, and she tried to cook. But Bobby made her stop trying when she burned a pizza so badly his house smelled like smoke for a week. He bought her pregnancy books and drove her to her doctors appointments and made sure she took her prenatal vitamins.

Sam called from time to time, he always sounded drunk and Lila wished that she could do something to help him. But both of them were hurting, and they were dealing with it in different ways.

Bobby dragged this old crib down from the attic and he cleaned it all up and painted it white, but Lila could not bring herself to allow him to put it up. If he put it up it was real and she couldn't really face that right now.

Sure, she knew there was indeed a baby growing inside her. She has ultrasound pictures to prove it, but she didn't want to face the fact that one day she was going to have this little human, who very well might look like the one person she missed most in this world. It could have his laugh or his eyes or his smile and she knew, seeing it would break her heart.

The thing that hurt her more than anything though, was that Dean would never get the chance to meet his child.

It kept her up at night.

It was hard not to think about him but whenever the thought of him started to creep in Lila started cleaning, started moving furniture around or did a load of laundry. It was the hardest part, trying to turn her mind off from the thought of him. It was a constant battle.

Don't think about Dean.

Don't think about Dean.

Don't think about him.

Don't think about it.

Don't think.

Then one day Bobby's phone rang and Lila didn't think much of it, another hunter calling about something they had no idea about. Bobby was like the hunter customer service rep his phone was constantly ringing off the hook from people calling and asking for his help and advice. She loved listening to him council other hunters it was her entertainment most days because Bobby's TV was literally a piece of crap.

"Who is this?" He asked angrily and he hung up after he got his answer. She chuckled over the dishes in the sink. Bobby was hilarious to her when he was angry.

His phone rang again, and Lila turned around to see the pained expression on his face.

"Who is this? This ain't funny, call again and I'll kill ya."

He slammed the phone down hard, his hands shaking as he did.

Lila raised an eyebrow. "Who the hell was that?"

"Nobody."

She pushed it away, it wasn't important. Little things set Bobby Singer off like when she moved something of his and he couldn't find it or when the TV went out and all he could get in was cartoons.

She was used to his surly attitude by now.

She finished the dishes and found herself staring out the window at nothing in particular, twirling his bracelet around her wrist absently.

Don't think about Dean.

Dean. Dean. Dean.

"When was the last time you washed your car?" She asks, turning around on a dime to eye him

"Never." He grunts, taking a long sip of his coffee.

"Holler if you need me." And with that she was off.

He didn't holler, but a few hours later she heard what sounded like fighting coming from inside the house and she rushed off, dropping the hose without bothering to turn it off. Her heart was a fucking hummingbird inside her chest. She just knew something was wrong...

She opens Bobby's back door and she he's him hugging someone.

Hugging Dean.

And it all sort of snaps, her head and her heart and her fucking rib cage.

Dean.

He turns around and looks right at her, it's him, God it's fucking him.

"How... how can you?"

He shakes his head, at a loss for words.

She throws her arms around him, he smells like sweat and dirt and he honestly needs a fucking shower but God it's him, it's really fucking him.

"Dean." It's a sigh of relief against his neck.

"I missed you." He tells her.

"I missed you more." She pulls away, has to look at him, wants to pinch herself to make sure she isn't dreaming. She touches his face, he gives her a sad smile, and he leans his cheek into the palm of her hand. If it is even possible he is more beautiful than he has ever been and maybe it's because she never thought she would see him again.

Bobby clears his throat.

Lila looks at him.

"You two want a minute?" He asks, raising his eye brow.

Dean sighs and turns away from her, he finds her hand and squeezes it. "I could really use a shower."

Bobby nods, he motions up the stairs and Dean tugs her hand along.

She doesn't ask him any questions, she doesn't even want to breathe she is so afraid she will wake up. Is he really here? She turns the hot water on, Lila knows it takes a fucking decade for it to heat up. She turns around to face him.

"I thought about you..." He whispers,I thought about you for forty fucking years. But he doesn't tell her that. He just pulls her into his arms again, feeling her against him is the only thing keeping him from falling to fucking pieces.

She kisses him softly, hesitant. She doesn't know if it is going to be too much for him, you have to expect him to have a little PTSD after being in hell for four months. She didn't want to overwhelm him, but his grip on her tightens, he pulls her in closer. His hand tangles in her hair.

"I thought about you the whole time." He whispers against her lips.

No matter what I will always love you...

"It's okay." He kisses the tears off her cheeks, and she hates herself because she should be the one comforting him. But all she can think about was how merely minutes ago she was without him and now he was here. She thinking that she must have fallen outside, hit her head. She must be dreaming because this was too good to be true.

All of it...

Dean pulls away, looks at her with a smile so wide it breaks her heart.

"Are you really here?" She asks him in a whisper.

He nods, "I think so..."

Lila's hands are shaking as she slowly strip his clothes off. Fingertips trail down his skin, new skin, not a single scar exists anymore, and she tries not to gasp when she notices the hand print on his shoulder. It looks as if it has been burned on to him.

"I – I don't know what it's from."

"Does it hurt?" She asks, her fingers brushing the skin around it gingerly.

He shakes his head. "No..."

Her lips brush over his collar bone and her hands fumble with the zipper of his pants. Steam has started to fill the small bathroom, literally and figuratively. She pulls the curtain back and he grabs her hand, not ready to be alone yet.

Lila pulls her tank top over her head and unzips her pants.

Dean kisses the top of her head before he steps into the hot water.

The she remembers, that tiny secret growing inside of her. That little human that would hopefully have his smile and his laugh and his eyes. And she's thinking how all she wanted to do since she found out she was tell him, but how was she supposed to actually do it?

So many things were going on right now.

They didn't even know how the fuck he got back here...

So maybe it could wait a little while longer, and besides, he was waiting for her...

The hot water feels fucking amazing, but not nearly as good as her arms wrapping around him from behind. She listens to the sound of him breathing, lets it remind her that he's real, that he was actually here with her.

It was fucking real.

She cleaned him from head to toe, taking her time, re-memorizing his entire body. She was fucking worshiping him.

It was almost too much.

Then he just holds her, and the hot water turns warm and the steam slowly leaves the small bathroom and all that is left is them.

Something healing in it for both of them.

New people walk down stairs and find Bobby on the phone, he was trying to get a hold of Sam, trying all the numbers he had for him, but all of them were disconnected.

"I know where he is..." Lila says, her hand tightening over Dean's.

Dean eyes her, "Well?"

"He's in Pontiac, he's been there the whole time."

"That's where I popped up."

She nods. "He wanted to stay close, in case he found a way to bring you back..."

Dean sighs.

"Well we better head that way, if you two are done reuniting..."

Lila scoffs. "Get your mind out of the gutter Bobby Singer." She grabs her flannel off the back of his chair and tugs Dean's hand along towards the from door.

Dean can't help but chuckle.

He never really seen anyone stand up to Bobby before, it was pretty funny.

"Oh don't you smirk at me boy."

Bobby follows them out, but asks Dean to run inside and get his keys.

"Don't" Lila says once Dean is out of ear shot.

"So you didn't tell him?"

She shrugs. "There are more pressing issues at hand..."

"More pressing than his unborn child."

Lila swats his arm. "Shhh, I want him to hear it from me."

Bobby sighs. "Well try not to drag it out too long, you are going to start to show soon."

…

The three of them make their way down a dingy hallway and knock on a door with the number 207 inside a red heart. Lila gives Dean a look and crosses her arms over her chest. The door is opened by a girl with dark hair, wearing only a tank top and underwear. She looks at them expectantly.

"So where is it?" She asks them, eyeing them all expectantly.

Dean looks at Lila with confusion and then back at the girl. "Where's what?"

"You're not pizza delivery people are you?" She asks, soudning really confused.

Call it pregnancy hormones but Lila was ready to smack her.

"I think we got the wrong room." Dean chuckles, nodding to the girl in apology.

Sam comes out of the bathroom, his hair still wet from a shower. He is grim and focused and doesn't notice them at first, "Hey, is..." He stops dead when he sees Dean. He swallows, shocked, his eyes flicking between all of them.

"Heya, Sammy." Dean says quietly.

Sam is silent as Dean steps into the room, ignoring the girl, who steps aside to let him in. As Deam gets close, Sam pulls a knife and lunges at him. The girl screams; Dean manages to block Sam's attack and Bobby steps in and pulls him off of Dean, gripping him around the shoulders. Sam struggles with him for a moment, breathing wildly..

"Who are you?" Sam shouts at him.

"Like you didn't do this?!"

"Do what?!"

"It's him. It's him. I've been through this already, it's really him."

Sam stares at his brother as he slowly stops struggling with Bobby. "What..."

Dean approaches him cautiously, staring at Sam with a half smirk. "I know. I look fantastic, huh?"

Bobby lets go of him and he looks on the verge of tears as he steps forward and pulls his brother into a desperate hug. They embrace for several seconds, heavy with emotion, as Bobby looks on with tears in his eyes. Lila smirks from outside the door, her eyes scanning over Sam's little piece.

Something was off about her.

Sam pushes Dean back to arm's length.

The girl is looking on, a look of confusion on her face. Lila is beginning to think it might just be a permanent look. "So are you two like... together?"

Sam looks at her like he's just remembered that she's there. "What? No. No. He's my brother."

"Uh... got it. I... I guess. Look, I should probably go." She says nervously.

"I'll call you a cab." Lila chimes in, pulling her cellphone out of her back pocket.

Sam eyes her but then looks back to the girl. "Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Sorry."

Sam comes back into the room from walking his friend out and sits down. Dean is standing above him, arms crossed. He and Lila are both looking at him suspiciously.

"So tell me, what'd it cost?" Dean asks him.

Sam smirks, "The girl? I don't pay, Dean."

"That's not funny, Sam. To bring me back. What'd it cost? Was it just your soul, or was it something worse?"

"You think I made a deal?" Sam asks, gaping at him.

"That's exactly what we think." Bobby chimes in.

"Well, I didn't.

Dean scoff. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying." Sam says, looking at Lila. She knew the second that she saw his reaction that he had absolutely nothing to do with bringing his brother back. He looks like he is waiting for her to tell him what happened.

She just shrugs and sits at the small table, she didn't trust the other surfaces in the room. That girl looked like she had been around the block a few times and she was not going to catch VD from sitting on the bed.

"I tried, no demon would deal." He looks at Lila. "We even opened the damn devil's gate."

Lila chews her bottom lip.

"You didn't tell me that!" Bobby snaps at her.

"Mind your blood pressure Bobby." She says, pressing her fingertips into her temple. She had a fucking headache. Her eyes met Dean's and all she could think about was how she didn't fucking care about how he got back, she was just glad he was here.

He was really fucking here.

"I know a psychic a few states over... I could give her a call and see if she can help."

"So you two were a regular Bonnie and Clyde huh?" Dean asks, looking between the two of the

Lila rolls her eyes. "More like Thelma and Louise."

Sam chuckles. "Which one was I?"

She she was close enough to smack him. "You know I felt bad for leaving you, but I see you've been having quite a party without me Sammy."

Dean crosses his arms over his chest.

Sam eyes them both. "You two don't get to gang up on me. I was just..."

"Being a man."

He nods, satisfied with her answer.

"She seemed nice." Dean adds, being a supportive big brother.

Lila scoffs. "Honestly expected a little better of you Sam."

He rolls his eyes.

"I am just looking out for you, jackass."

It had always been her pet name for him. Dean called him bitch and Lila called him jackass. His face softens. "I know. You just do it a little too much."

Lila scoffs.

"So you know everything now? Right?"

Lila shakes her head at him, and luckily Dean doesn't notice the exchange between them.

She gets up from the table and touches Dean's arm, "I'm going to get us something to eat. You two catch up, feel free to kick his ass if you want to."

It earned her a smile from both of them.

She kisses Dean on the cheek and swats Sam in the back of his head.

He was the most annoying little-big brother on the fucking planet. But she loved her Winchesters. And she was glad she had both of them back.

"She hasn't changed."

"I'd be disappointed if she had," Dean said, sitting down in the chair she left unoccupied.

Sam nods in agreement. "So... How was it, do you remember anything?"

Dean's jaw tightens.

He did not want to talk about hell, as far as he was concerned he was just going to pretend it never happened, as soon as they figured out what the fuck brought him back. He wasn't one to dwell on things, especially the things that hurt.

"I must have blacked it out, I just remember waking up."

"What about before?"

"I remember being a hell hounds dinner."

Sam works his jaw, he is thinking hard, Dean can almost see the gears in his head turning.

He thinks it over, looking down at the scabs on his knuckles. He tries not to think about hell, but it punches him in the fucking chest. The memories of that place. The smells and the screams and the pain.

"You okay?"

He nods. He is always okay. He has no other fucking choice.

"Yeah, I'm golden Sammy..."