There was no real reason for Korra to wake when she did, but the pink glow of dawn framed the cabin porthole and her eyes sprang open with it, staring at the circle of light on the floor with an interest she hadn't felt in days. Her blue eyes traveled from the floor to the tussled bed and then to the white hand tucked around her waist and she smiled quietly, hearing Asami's slow breathing near her neck. This was something that she could definitely get used to.
She wanted at first to simply lay in the embrace until morning was fully upon them, maybe even wake Asami with a fresh take on the games they had played till all hours the night before, but the Avatar found that she was too restless to lay still, even in Asami's arms. Cautiously, she took Asami's wrist and adjusted her hold so that she could slip free of the covers without startling her bedmate, but Asami was quite dead to the world. It seemed she lacked Korra's stamina after all.
The Avatar smirked at her slumbering girlfriend and searched for her trousers and tunic, then pulled on her boots and deep blue hood. She paused and stood watching Asami for several moments, oblivious to the goofy smile she wore on her chin. The heiress was, astoundingly, even more lovely when sleeping and her sex-tossed curls and bare figure peaking from among the bed-quilt gave Korra an image she wanted to treasure. It was difficult to resist waking her for a kiss, but she settled for a brush of her lips to Asami's forehead instead. The woman murmured in her throat and curled herself tighter but didn't wake and Korra let her be, pulling the quilt higher on her shoulders before turning to leave the cabin in silence.
The stark, frozen southern air greeted her at once and just to taste the salt of her homeland on her tongue was enough to bring another smile to the Water Tribe girl. They were closing in on Harbor City, and then they could easily ride Oogie to the compound where Katara still lived. They were almost finished with this.
She huffed gently and turned fore, walking around the empty deck in the morning silence, hands shoved in her pockets as she brooded.
Brooding was just about all she'd been doing ever since Amon had taken her bending from her. She'd turned everyone, even Asami, away so that she could hate herself in silence but last night had jarred her from her melancholy long enough for her to think that perhaps there was still hope in all of this. Katara was the most skilled healer in the world, and had been Aang's closest companion. It was possible that she would know how to help bring her bending back and Korra began to cling to that in a quiet, reserved way. She didn't want to fool herself, but she was willing to be just a little optimistic.
She rounded the steps to the topdeck, which was empty and kissed with dawn-light, and made at an ambling pace for the bow while her thoughts drifted to the night before. Asami had been simply incredible: her skin, her hair, the way she moved on top and beneath Korra, the sounds she made between their kissing. She'd never had that sort of physical intimacy before, but with Asami it had all felt so natural to her. Effortless. It was a little incredible for her to think that just a few weeks before she had jumped at Asami's most accidental touch, had lain awake at night riddled with confusion about their friendship, but only hours ago had been tangled in bed with her. Just thinking about what Asami had done with her tongue made Korra blush again, and she checked an impulse to return to her cabin and wake the heiress after all. Asami needed to rest, and Korra still needed to walk.
She made a lap from the bow and was just heading portside when a figure appeared from a stairway below decks. Lin Beifong was filled with as much energy as the Avatar, it seemed. Dressed in her warmest overcoat, the former chief of police regarded Korra a moment and then jerked her chin around.
"Hey kid. Want to go for a walk?"
"Um, sure," she agreed hesitantly. Lin Beifong never wanted to talk to her, but maybe having worked together to expose Amon had finally won her some respect from the chief. Maybe. Korra fell in step beside Lin and the two marched down the deck, crossing their arms against the cold.
"How are you holding up?" Lin asked directly. Korra wasn't surprised by her lack of tact.
"Can I wait till after we get to the South Pole to answer that one?" She tried, pushing back her errant tendrils of bed-hair.
Lin snorted and nodded. "Yeah. I'm pretty pissed too."
Korra smirked grimly, turning her attention to her boots as they walked. "I'm not exactly looking forward to going down in history as the Avatar who couldn't bend."
"Well, even if that ends up being the case, that doesn't mean you get to shirk your responsibilities."
The comment was out of place, striking Korra from her somber reverie. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you're still the Avatar, waterbending or not. People rely on you; maybe not on you yourself but what you symbolize. If you give up, why shouldn't they? It's all part of the deal of being a real public figure," Beifong lectured, shifting her hands behind her back.
"Being a public figure means I'm a symbol?"
"It means a lot of things. People put their faith in the Avatar. Stupid people, but people all the same. They need you to be there for them, and you need to make sure you're someone they can look to and look up to." She shot Korra a look. "That includes keeping your nose clean."
"Hey, I don't start trouble. I help people," she defended, wondering how the hell she had just walked into being berated by Beifong yet again. She'd fought off a terrorist and lost her bending; could the dried-up woman not cut her a little slack?
"It's not just starting or stopping trouble. There's other things to consider too. One bad photograph of you in a tabloid and your reputation can be ruined. You have to be constantly wary of the image you project to others. Look, I know you're a teenager and teenagers want to have a good time, maybe blow off steam and hit the town but when you're in the position that you're in, a photograph of you too far in your drinks or even being rude to an old woman can cause a headache. Drugs, illegal gambling, or accepting bribes can loose your face in an instant. And a young woman like you especially doesn't want to find themselves involved in a sex scandal, so keep that in mind when you're choosing companions."
"... Sex scandal?" She stuttered.
"Right. A married man, a political figure who could be using his relationship with you to his advantage, an ex con. You need to make sure you're not giving people the wrong idea about you and your boyfriend can do just that."
"I don't have a boyfriend," she answered honestly, tone lowering as she thought about Asami in her cabin downstairs.
"Even better. But you will eventually and people are going to judge you for it. I'm not trying to bust your chops kid, my mom had the same conversation with me when I decided that I wanted to be a police officer and I'm glad she did. I've seen a lot of careers lost because of embarrassing scandals: everything from narcotics to fraud to sex workers. I know that Tenzin's too stuffy to talk to you about this sort of thing, but I'm sure has hell not. I'll tell you exactly how it is, and how it is is that you're the Avatar one way or another and you need to be aware that other people are going to be watching you for mistakes."
"...Great." This was not one of Beifong's more inspiring speeches.
Lin paused and left-faced to look back at Korra. "Chin up. You already showed everyone in Republic City that you mean business, and that goes a long way. You earned a lot of respect," her voice softened slightly and she gave Korra's shoulder a brief squeeze. "A lot. That's worth something, don't forget it."
"Yeah," she shrugged, pleased despite herself to have Lin's approval, however bleak it was. "I wont."
The corner of Lin's firm mouth tilted in a shadow of a smile. "You did real good, kid. Bending or no, you saved the city."
Korra met Lin's opal gaze and tucked her chin in a nod. "Thanks, Lin."
"Chief Beifong."
"... Thanks, Chief Beifong."
Lin nodded and, arms held once more at the small of her back, she turned and marched towards the galley, leaving Korra to stand at the bulwark in the sunrise glow alone with her thoughts.
What was all of that about minding her social life? Had it been more than a warning? Surely Beifong didn't know about her and Asami, and even if she did what did she care? Or was that the point? Did people care if Korra was in a relationship with a woman? She remembered the conversation in Asami's car, how Mako had reacted to the thought and how she'd never even heard the word 'lesbian' spoken aloud in polite conversation. It was something being kept hidden, and unconsciously she'd been keeping it hidden too. She had told Asami that she didn't want the boys to know because she had been concerned it would cause a rift between them but maybe it had less to do with bothering them and more to do with bothering her.
Her pondering was broken once again however, this time by Mako, who was clearly happy to see her.
"Hey, you're out of your cabin," he greeted and came to stand beside her at the steel railing, arms hanging casually over the bars.
"Yeah," she shrugged, not looking at him. "I felt like a walk."
"Not much space for walking."
"No, it's not."
"Do you... want to talk?" He tried.
"I really don't."
"Okay." He linked his fingers together, turning his gaze to the same point of light she was fixated on. Korra waited for him to say something more, but the firebender simply stood in silence, unobtrusive and vigilant. After a few moments she realized that he was actually going to respect her wish for quiet, and she relaxed a little. Mako was a soothing presence, and she was somewhat glad for his reserved company as they stood side by side in the morning light and waited for land while she drummed over thoughts of last night and tomorrow.
"I'm sorry Korra," Master Katara said finally after what had felt like hours of kneeling on her worn rug, though it had probably been only half of one. The waterbending master and healer clasped her withered hands together in front of her and gazed woefully down at young woman, but Korra couldn't bring herself to look back. This was it, then. She hadn't had that much hope to start with, but Katara had just cemented all of her most terrible fears. She was broken, ruined, spent. Her access to the elements was gone and what was she without them? -Who- was she without them?
Katara hesitated in front of her for several moments, as if waiting for Korra to beg for the old woman to try again but Korra simply stared at the floor, features placid. Listless. After several strained moments the healer shuffled for the screen door of her hut, on the other side of which would be all of Korra's family and friends. She could hear the conversation through the screen, could imagine the look of horror on her mother's face, her father's grim frown, Tenzin's proactive stance, Asami's eyes welling up for her sake. It made her want vomit.
Suddenly her limbs felt cool and her cinnamon features flushed as she shot to her feet. She couldn't stand this, their pity and disappointment. She pulled open the screen and they were all as she had imagined them, turning to her to help but she didn't meet their love-filled gazes.
"Korra," Tenzin lamented. "It will be all right."
"No," she answered tonelessly. He was such an idiot. "It wont."
She brushed past him, weaving her way through the crowd of anxious hearts to leave the hut, tugging on her fur-lined hood as she did. The biting wind of the deep south was like a welcome punishment to her cheeks, a reminder that she was where she belonged. Nowhere.
"Korra, wait up," Mako's voice called from Katara's door but she continued her stride towards the compound exit. The ice walls encased her, an apathetic reminder of her decade long isolation, all for nothing. "Korra," he rushed to catch up to her, reaching for her arm but she swiveled from his grasp.
"Go away," she ordered in that same flat tone. He was trying to save her, again, and couldn't he see how much she resented him for that?
"Okay, I will, but you need to know that I'm here for you."
"No. I mean, go away. Go back to Republic City, Mako. Get on with your life."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm not the Avatar anymore. You don't need to try and help me."
"Korra," she could hear the appall in his voice. "You being the Avatar doesn't matter to me. Look, when you went missing and we were searching the city for you, I felt like I was loosing it. I couldn't handle never seeing you again and I still cant. I love you."
There it was, spoken aloud and hanging in the ice currents between them. After all of this and -now- he loved her, not when she had been whole and wanting. When he said it, it was as if he'd said nothing at all. It was meaningless in a way which actually stung. She felt guilty, as if she'd made him feel this way and now she had nothing to do but hurt him as thanks for his honesty.
"Mako..." she shook her head, hanging on some worthless response. "I can't," she slumped from the boy's grasp, turning for the compound gates and their promise of endless wasteland. Naga stood at the threshold, anxious and waiting.
"Korra, please."
She ignored his plea, leaving him in the snow as she made quickly for Naga. The polarbear-dog nudged into her embrace at once and she grabbed the reins to lead her out.
"Come on girl," she croaked. Naga whined back, distressed because her companion was obviously so out of sorts. The beast's massive paws crunched into the snow drift, loud enough that they drowned out the sound of Asami's much smaller feet as they approached.
"Sweetheart," the heiress grabbed her shoulder, taking her by surprise. Spots of dying bay-light glimmered on Asami's ebony hair and lined her features in dull orange. "Let me go with you."
The request was so simple and yet it curled her stomach. "Asami, you have to stop."
The engineer's brow kneaded. "I just want to help."
"You cant help," she shot bitterly. Why was everyone so insistent on solving something which was unsolvable? "It's like I told Mako, you need to go back to the real world and leave me alone."
"I won't do that, Korra, you know that," she responded, gentle but firm.
"Then let me make it easier for you. We're over. We're through." The words, laced with so much anger, surprised her a little but she didn't withdraw them. When there had been hope for her future as the Avatar, she had still wanted Asami's comfort but now she was just a burden. "So... go."
Asami's features opened in confusion, the wound glittering in her jade eyes. "You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do. I can't be your girlfriend. I could never be your girlfriend."
"What are you talking about?"
"What were we supposed to do, Asami?" She waved a hand, as if demanding an answer to be offered over. "Hide our relationship from everyone? From the whole world? How long would that even work for?"
"We don't need to hide anything," her voice had taken on a porcelain quality, as if she were struggling to hold it carefully in front of her.
"You want to tell the people you do business with that you're with another woman? Like a sideshow on a street corner? How is anyone going to respect you? How is anyone going to respect me? It's bad enough that I have to be the Avatar that can't bend, I don't need to be Avatar living a scandal too." In a distant way she could hear how hurtful she was being but her own writhing pain blocked it from her ears.
"... You're honestly going to tell me that you're afraid of what other people think of you?"
Korra opened her mouth to respond but realized that she had no retort. She clenched her jaw instead and, unable to meet the disbelief in Asami's eyes, she glared at the bay. "It just wouldn't work."
Asami looked away too, pulling her arms close around herself. The gesture was so deflating. "If that's really how you feel, then I guess it wouldn't."
Korra stood shuffling her weight as she debated what to do next, but Asami made the decision for them both. Wordlessly, she turned, and placed one foot in front of the other back into the compound. Watching her walk away, alone, timeless, and shrouded in snow, Korra very nearly ran to catch up to her but the hand wrapped around Naga's rein did not loosen. Numbly, she twisted and climbed into Naga's saddle, then spurred the polarbear-dog as fast as she would go, needing desperately to put as much distance between her and Asami as she possibly could. Between her and all of them.
The cliff face she chose to pause at wasn't a special one, it was simply where she felt far enough that she could climb off Naga and walk in solitude. She wanted the iced wind to encase her and soothe away the aching in her heart; to cool the burning in her eyes as she knelt and wept. Fire, earth, water, she'd lost them all and she'd pushed away Asami just to make herself suffer all the worse. Even Mako. She'd wanted him so furiously months ago and now his entreaty felt like such a game. In light of the realization that she had nothing, everything felt like a game.
All she had to rely on now was herself. Only she could know what it meant to be such a failure to the world and that was when she felt Tenzin's familiar presence near her shoulder.
"Tenzin," she sighed harshly, fed up with their sympathy. "I just want to be left alone."
"But, you called for me." The voice was not Tenzin's, and in fact she didn't know it at all... or maybe she'd known it long before in something as distant as a twilight dream. She glanced up, only to be so dismayed by who stood before her that thoughts of Amon, her bending, and even Asami evaporated in the flash of her wonderment.
"Aang," she whispered, overwhelmed with joy. The image of the airbender was someplace in his thirties, handsome and strong. He appeared as real and solid as her own hands and despite never having met him, she felt the urge to rush into his arms.
"You've finally connected with your spiritual self," he congratulated warmly.
"But, how?"
He took a step towards her, leaving no mark in the snow, and reached to place his thumb lightly against her forehead in a gesture which was familiar but entirely unlike how Amon had grabbed and bent her. His eyes slowly lit with the star-white of the Avatar spirit and a mirage appeared behind him of a league of men and women, glowing with the link of the Avatar. An eon of combined knowledge filtered through the incarnations and directly into Korra through Aang's ethereal touch.
"It is when we are at our lowest point that we are most open to the most change," he explained in a voice she felt as much as heard and suddenly Korra was more than her body. She was timelessness and empathy, she was hope and absolution, she was the dynamism of fire; the adaptiveness of water; the steadfastness of earth; the freedom of air. For a moment, perhaps simply an instant among millions or even the last she would ever know, she understood.
Korra felt her shell lift from the snow as she pushed and pulled each raw element through her form, shifting into a crescendo of energy which she wasn't even aware of. In the nirvanic instant of her knowing, she was beyond what she created and simply the essence of the elements she molded to her world. And then as suddenly as it had crashed upon her, the moment passed.
The Avatar settled firmly back to the earth and the spirit of her lives faded, leaving her whole and exhausted. She could have wept with fresh joy if it had been in her nature to wither so easily into tears. Instead, she clenched her fists, eager for the remaining pulses of spiritual energy which coursed just below her skin. It was her hyperawareness that caused her to turn to look behind her, and she was almost unsurprised to see Mako.
The firebender stood, watchful, in the snowdrift, and she saw his features slip into that small smile she liked so much. He gave her a nod, like one teammate to another for a job well done; a silent congratulations on an obstacle overcome and that moment of faith pulled her towards him. Mako was good: he was dependable, he was normal, and he loved her. Maybe she loved him too. It wouldn't be the way that it was with Asami, but she considered that it could be so much simpler this way. Maybe this was the path she needed to pursue now: just one among many on her quest to understand and bring balance to this vulnerable world.
End
Discussion
This could simply be arrogance on my part, but I felt it necessary to address what questions I assume this ending will bring about from the valued reader.
First and foremost, 'A Second Glance' was designed to be as close to canon as possible. What I wanted was a story within a story, in which all of the secret looks of distress between characters are re-examined under new light to reveal that what at first appeared to be a romantic entanglement between the girls over Mako was in fact an affair which circumvented Mako almost entirely. With this in mind, I couldn't ignore the fact that in the end, Korra winds up with Mako. This was certainly not the ending that I wanted (even in the show) but it was the closest to form and I chose to respect that.
This left me with the issue of figuring out why Korra would choose Mako after having established a relationship with Asami. I realize that the decision for Korra to feel embarrassed about her sexuality may seem insulting to some, but I thought it was honestly realistic and for Korra, it almost fell into place on its own. As a character, she seems constantly at odds with trying to find "her place" in the world as the Avatar. She struggles with her own persona versus the Avatar persona she thinks will best help the world around her. At first, she believes that hitting things till they stop moving will serve her purposes only later to decide that a more thoughtful approach may be more effective. Regardless of her decisions on this role, her oscillation is what I picked up on throughout the series, as well as her self reflective indecision. Personally, I adore this about her because I find it humanizes her, which is where this hesitancy stems from. Korra is only 17 (ish?) and, in this story, has only very recently run headfirst into society to be met with a modernizing world, political intrigue, romantic interest and now an attraction she never expected. If Korra is gay or not, I have no idea. What I do know is that in 'A Second Glance' she falls for Asami and is unprepared for it. Her inexperience in all things sexual/romantic combined with her want to be the Avatar leave her vulnerable to outside opinion and cause what I believe to be a totally reasonable indecision.
Asami, however, almost never wavers. She comes off as older and more mature, and for whatever reason she is in possession of actual self-awareness while Korra only pretends to be aware. It seemed more likely to me that she would come to terms with her attraction, and then very quickly be comfortable with that. On top of that, in Book 1 she winds up entirely alone and I don't think that that was ever intentional on her part. She's a small, tragic arch on the sidelines of Korra's story in the show, full of love to give and left with no one to return it. I don't think she would have spurned Korra's love, especially after events with her father left her so very alone.
This fic will continue in 'A Second Glance, Book 2' s/11919440/1/A-Second-Glance-Book-II
Thank you so much for reading,
- Valkrez