Disclaimer: I own none of the characters within.
Author's Notes: I saw TTT for the fourth time and noticed that Gimli is practically STANDING on Grima during the exorcism scene. First he steps on his chest, and then he has a foot on his back. Ouchie! No doubt Grima is none too happy with it either, and then this poem came flying at me out of nowhere.
So presenting the 'There's a Dwarf on My Back!' series, a collection of ridiculously silly poems revolving around the awkward situations in the TTT movie. Each poem of thought takes place in about five seconds, as the moment never lasts for long. The first, obviously, is from Grima's point of view as he laments…
There's a Dwarf on my Back!
The Golden Door crashed open and four visitors came in
A shudder ran along my spine and prickled up my skin
I checked the odds and saw my chance of victory was thin
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
The day began quite normally; it didn't seem so bad
I did some evil plotting that would make poor Rohan sad
I went and bothered Eowyn, but that just made her mad
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
Then I hit the guards' room, and I heckled them for kicks
Complained about security, made general nitpicks
They got all red and flustered while I laughed at my own tricks
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
I'm really very busy, running checks around the Hall
I have to keep morale low and the hopefulness quite small
Pulling strings on one whole country isn't easy, not at all
To top it off, there's a Dwarf on my back
After all my busy wandering, I sat down by the King
I listened for a while to his amusing gurgling
Then I got down to business and did some whispering
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
When the guards told me of Gandalf, coming closer rapidly
I played out all the options to face this calamity
At last, I said 'The Wizard's staff must not come before me.'
But now there's a Dwarf on my back
In retrospect, I want to scream: the guards are brainless slobs!
Whoever hired them must have searched all the stupid mobs
To find a pack of idiots who cannot do their jobs
Because of them, there's a Dwarf on my back
'Take the staff, take the staff'; is that so hard to do?
The ONE order I gave them and they just could not come through
They let the one thing in that I would prefer not to view
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
The King managed to speak a bit without excessive drool
I taunted that old Wizard while he calmly held his cool
He knew that he could crush me! Oh, I must have looked a fool
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
The Elf gave me a nasty look, the Dwarf looked like he'd bite
The Man that stood beside them was the only one polite
He had a vacant look between sheer outrage and contrite
He knew I'd get a Dwarf on my back
My plan was pure rock-solid; there was no way it could fall
But then the Wizard showed his staff, and me it did appall
That ugly, simple staff that should not have been there at all
And now there's a Dwarf on my back
Oh, NOW the guards took action! In the scuffle, I fell down
I tried to get away, but something pressed me to the ground
The Dwarf put his FOOT on me with a nasty smirking frown
I was about to get a Dwarf on my back
He said a corny line and then I flipped onto my belly
He's really very heavy, and my spine now feels like jelly
In horror I now realize his boot is very smelly
But I'm stuck with a Dwarf on my back
How could such a perfect day turn so quickly just to dregs?
I'll be thrown out, and to Saruman I'll have to run and beg
I really wish that Dwarf would move; I cannot feel my legs
Painfully trapped with a Dwarf on my back
He seems to think it's funny, and he chuckles in his beard
My foot just fell asleep, and the tingling feels weird
What a way to die, I muse, a passing to be feared!
Death by a Dwarf on the back!
I suppose I'll have to wait it out, for what else can I do?
I'm sure that nothing good will come- the Elf is smirking too!
Just hope that this embarrassment does not happen to you
It's not fun to have a Dwarf on your back
~ The End
