Day 22

I sneak out of the house early the next morning. Meredith doesn't stir when I kiss her goodbye and I don't make any effort to wake her. It's still dark when I arrive at the hospital. I grab a coffee from the cart and head upstairs to check on my post-ops. My team has already arrived except for Arizona. Jackson and Lexie spent the night while Callie and Mark arrived at the same time. Cristina is also lurking around somewhere because she was on call last night. All of my post-ops remained stable and Isaac has been prepped overnight. We're ready to roll by sunrise. Mark got me a slot on the board and Owen made sure the chief was occupied then we wheeled Isaac into surgery. The nurses and the anesthesiologist are sworn to secrecy. The gallery is closed and the doors are guarded by Callie and Arizona. Mark and Owen stand behind me as my support system while Jackson and Lexie are across the table.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives." I say. "Ten blade." Right after I make the first incision, I hear a vibration.

"It's your phone sir." One of the nurses speak up. "It's a message from Dr. Grey."

"Leave it Charlene. If it's an emergency, she'll call." I say. The nurse looks skeptical but she obeys.

By lunchtime, I haven't made a single cut and it's starting to get to me. Lexie keeps telling me I need to take a break. Mark and Owen offer suggestions over my shoulder but they're more of a nuisance than a help. Dr. Avery is getting fed up with doing nothing more than suctioning and the anesthesiologist keeps reminding me that the longer Isaac is under, the harder it is keep him stable. I try tuning it all out but I can hear Mark and Owen mumbling worriedly behind me.

"Will everyone please shut up?" I shout suddenly. The room goes dead quiet and everyone looks at me startled. "Thank you." I mumble. I step back and roll my neck to get the kinks out. I step back to the table and continue to go through my options.

It's nearing dinnertime and I still haven't made a single move. Jackson has stepped back from the table and Lexie has given up on trying to get me to take a break. I think Callie and Arizona have given up on their posts and my suspicions are confirmed when suddenly the door bangs open and I automatically know it isn't Callie or Arizona. They have been popping their heads in periodically but they were quiet and respectfully about it. I turn to face a very angry Richard Webber.

"Shepherd what the hell are you doing?" He demands. "Close this man up now."

"No." I protest with equal force. Suddenly Lexie runs out of the room muttering something about not being hardcore enough. I try to keep going but I can sense Owen and Mark exchanging glances behind my back. The chief is staring me down and Jackson looks relieved.

"Derek the longer you leave him open the more chance he has to contract an infection." Richard pushes. I sigh with reluctance and put my tools down. The scrub nurse beside me hands me the sutures silently. My stomach feels as if it sinks to my shoes with every stich I put in Isaac's back. When I'm finished, he is flipped onto his back and wheeled to recovery. The Chief leaves and Jackson follows Isaac to recovery. It's the most boring post op ever because Isaac is basically recovering from a glorified gash. I head to the scrub room and Mark follows me silently. I slam things around in my frustration and Mark doesn't say anything, he only starts scrubbing at the sink next to mine. When I'm done I dry my hands on a paper towel. Before I leave I turn face Mark expecting him to say something. He just shrugs.

"You tried man. Maybe there just wasn't a way. Sleep on it." With those words of wisdom, he walks out of the room. I sigh and pull my scrub cap off. I ball it up in my fists as I walk down the hall. People stare and whisper about how I bravely defied the chief only to fail. I make it to the Neuro ICU and a nurse hands me Isaac's chart with a look of pure pity. I take a few of the other charts and plant myself in the chair at Isaac's bedside. I look over the notes for the day while I wait for Isaac to come to. I'm dreading telling him that I couldn't do it but I figure it best for him to hear it from me. When his eyes do crack open, I feel a lump the size of a softball form at the back of my throat.

"I couldn't do it." I blurt before he even has the chance to say anything. "I tried, I'm sorry Isaac." To my surprise he chuckles.

"There's always a way." He says in a cryptic tone. "Sleep on it. Come back tomorrow." He says before shooing me away with his hand. I stand and leave. I want to brush off what he said and pretend it was the drugs talking but somehow his words have worked their way under my skin. Before I have time to further contemplate, I find myself face to face with Cristina.

"You're in deep shit McDreamy." She states as she crosses her arms.

"What? Why?" I'm more surprised by her sudden presence than I am her words.

"Well, when your wife couldn't reach you and was a bit miffed that you didn't wake her to say goodbye, she called me. When she asked where you were I told her you were resecting Isaac's giant tumor not realizing you hadn't told her about Isaac's giant tumor." She tells me. "So as you can imagine, she is pretty pissed."

"Fantastic." I mutter under my breath. A pissed of Meredith is just what I need today. Cristina gives me an unsympathetic look before turning on her heel and returning to whatever she was doing before I walked by. When I glance at my phone I notice multiple texts and two missed calls all from Meredith. Instead of returning the calls I decide to just go home instead. My shift is long over anyways.

On the way home I stop at the pizza place Meredith likes and I nab some ice cream from the grocery store. I know she would not be impressed if I came home with flowers but maybe junk food can win her over. When I pull into the driveway I observe that our bedroom light is on and I can make out the faint glow of the TV. I begrudgingly make my way up the front walk and to the door. When I walk in the door I can hear the TV but as soon as I shut it, the sound stops. I sigh as I kick of my shoes and trudge upstairs. When I push open the door to our bedroom, I find Meredith sitting up with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.

"How was your day?" She practically spits.

"Long." I say. I hold the pizza out in front of me like a peace offering but also a shield. Meredith eyes the pizza warily before reaching out and taking it from me. Her look doesn't soften but she takes the pizza and that's a step.

"He's not dead is he?" She blurts and her tone shifts from hurt to concern.

"No he's not dead." I mumble. "He's not tumorless either." I say under my breath but Meredith catches it.

"What do you mean he's not tumorless?" She asks.

"He still has the tumor. I couldn't get it out." I explain. I start taking off my socks and my belt in an effort to unwind and escape the stress of the day.

"Did you at least get some of it out?" She asks.

"Nope. I didn't make one cut." I pull of my belt and throw it in the direction of my closet.

"So you stood in surgery for ten hours and…stared at the tumor?" All the anger has seeped out of Meredith's voice; it's been replaced by pure bafflement.

"Pretty much." I say as I untuck my shirt. I climb into the bed beside her and get comfortable on my back. "Enough about my day. Tell me about your day."

"My day? Oh, my day. Well I slept, and I ate a whole box of cereal. I read and gave up on Anna Karenina. I left three voicemails for Izzie; I'm sure she won't return any of them…" She trails off and looks at me pleadingly.

"You want to talk about the tumor." I say.

"Yes please. I'm a surgery junkie." She begs. I sit up against the pillows so we're face to face.

"The tumor was even more vascularized than the scans showed." I begin. "I mean the thing was HUGE." I try to think of a way to show her without breaking HIPPA laws. That's when I spot the container of markers sitting on Meredith's bedside table.

"You know what? Here." I say as I pull the bed forward to turn it around.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asks in a panicked tone.

"Just watch." I say as I stand up on the bed armed with a black marker. "This is the spine." I say drawing out the helix like shape that represents a spine. "This is the tumor." I continue drawing. Meredith sits back and watches as I add details. She asks the occasional question but for the most part she is quiet as I vividly describe the tumor. When I feel I can add no more detail, I lie down beside her and finish with: "I just don't know where to start."

"You didn't close him up though." I pick my head up and look at her to continue. "You had his permission to cut the cord but you didn't. Any other surgeon would have. So there must be a way." Her logic makes sense despite my current lack of faith in myself. I stare at the drawing on the wall. Meredith falls asleep long before I can even think about it. When I do finally manage to fall asleep, it's already 1 AM.

"I love you." I mumble sleepily into the back of Meredith's neck.

AN: OH MY GOD. My life has gone to hell. Long story short a family member got on a motorcycle without a helmet and now he's brain dead. It hasn't been good guys. I'm sorry if the updates get a bit spotty but I'm also starting school and trying to juggle a bunch of other stuff. I hope you like this chapter anyways and leave a review. Thanks for understanding (or not).