Please note that there are mild spoilers for Mass Effect: Andromeda. Nothing important to the plot line, just small Ryder Family things.

Chapter Sixteen: Vacant

Shepard listened as Pressley went over the pre-flight plans. They had done a quick restock of dextro-friendly foods and ammo. (She would speak to Wrex about his 'target practice' later. This wasn't a summer camp, he needed to be mindful of what they had in their weapon's lockers. There was only so many thermal clips to go around.)

She dismissed her XO with a salute and eased out of it when he turned his back and walked toward the ship. It was going to be a long flight to Noveria. She had received word from Kohaku again and there was a message from Hackett sitting in her terminal that started with 'Batarians have captured an asteroid' and she didn't want to read the rest of it.

Add that to the growing hunger in her belly and pounding headache from a few-too many swipes of her flask, and anyone with eyes could see that Shepard was not in a good mood.

Shepard looked stressed. She was a fresh-new Commanding officer that was still getting use to ordering people around off the field and working out how to hunt down one of the top Spectres in the last few decades. Her back ached from how she slept the night before and she was dying of thirst (for water or alcohol she could not pinpoint).

She was stressed and tired and things didn't look good.

Until a warm chuckle washed over her in a blanket of nostalgia and almost-somethings. Her heavy look turned into a grin and she spun on her heel.

"Alec!"

The man had aged seriously during the time they had not been in contact, which was reaching on five years now. This man, as well as Anderson and a few others, was the reason she got as far as she did. She would have been happy with her N2 certs and 1st Lieutenant Rank had she not run into their group one day while on Earth.

They had been something of a legend. Part of the first class of N7 graduates to also fight in the First Contact War. The first of intergalactic solders. She had been a starry-eyed recruit listening to their stories, their history.

The main reason she even wanted to join the Alliance in the first place was, after the attack of her home on Mindoir, the only thing she remembered from her shell-shock state was the ebony and red armor of the N7 that carried her to the too-little-too-late transport that waited.

(White sheets covered a large field as they accounted for each body and those on the census that were missing. She was cold from the chilly morning air and lack of socks but the armor she was pressed into was warm and the voice speaking softly to her, 'It's okay, you're safe. We're going to take care of you. You're okay. You're safe,' was even warmer.)

Shepard smiled as she came up to the soldier, wrapping her arms around his back to clap him close to her. He did the same; his salty laugh easing her tension. When she pulled away, it was like all those years between their meeting never happened and they were back in Rio.

She was fresh off the transport, still sporting wet medigel that had not quite set and a re-located shoulder that just didn't feel right when she tried to raise her arm.

They were standing on the docks,just as Alec was right now, chatting amongst each other while they waited. Waited for what?

One of them nudged the other and pointed her way. She stumbled when all sets of eyes fall on her. Shepard glanced casually back, trying to see if it's someone else they were looking at, but all she saw were dock hands quickly loading and unloading the cargo frigate she just hopped off of. They were looking at her?

The lieutenant did her best to play cool, checking her bun to make sure it would pass regs at the possibility of them casing her. So far so good.

"Lieutenant Shepard?" Anderson called to her, and she quickened her pace to stand in front of them. Shepard snapped to a salute just a few feet away.

"Sirs."

One of them chuckled, murmuring something to the other.

"At ease, Shepard," Anderson said, and she relaxed into a stiff parade rest that had them all chuckling. "Any new assignments yet?"

"I have 48 hours of shore leave before I have to answer back if I want to continue on to N3 certs." She paused, and added, "Sir."

Anderson shook his head and did his best to relax her. "None of that 'sir' crap, Shepard. Just David, or Anderson. Whatever you're comfortable with. We're speaking soldier to soldier, I'm not going to pull rank."

Her shoulders sagged and her hands came back to rest at her sides. "That's a relief," she said with a small tug of her lips. "Although, I'm curious as to why you've come to talk to me?"

"We saw the vids of your mission. You shouldn't have made that jump, Shepard, but you're made of tough stuff and we were impressed."

Shepard felt her chest swell instantly. Impressed? A group of N7s and Contact War veterans wereimpressed with her N2 course test? She didn't know what to say. There was nothing to be said.

The one on the far right, dark hair and crow's feet pulling at his eyes, smirked at her change in demeanor.

"I…thank you, sir. It means a lot to hear that coming from you. Any of you. I…" She ran a hand over the back of her neck, swiping at the nervous sweat that sat there. "I've been debating about not continuing with my N-school certs, to be completely honest. My tour-end is coming up and I thought I might go ahead and retire, try and find me someone to settle down with. Ever since Akuze, I-" Her throat tightens and just the mention of the attack leaves her in dark memories.

"I'm not going to try and persuade you to continue, Shepard," David started, waving his hand in front of him to clear the proverbial air. "But that was damn good stuff. Using your last missile as a way to propel yourself over that drop? You're resourceful and know how to get that job done with what you're limited with. I know recruits in our class that would have turned around and went to find a crossing further down, but not you. I saw that look on your face. Your determination isunparalleled. You'll go far in the Alliance, hell, in thegalaxy, with whatever you decide to do."

Shepard didn't know how to reply.

"You're not a stay at home house wife," the dark haired one started. "You'll miss the action and regret leaving early. But you may also meet an early grave with being in the military. Every day is a risk."

"Just makes it more fun." She answered without a pause, not catching the words until they wereall smirking.

"That's the soldier I want as my XO."

Her heart stopped.

"Come again?"

Anderson nodded. "You heard me, Shepard. You finish out your N-school training, I don't carewhat ranking you receive as long as you go as far as you can. Do another tour or two, get your feet wet with some star dust, and I'll let you be my XO on my ship. Deal?"

Thelieutenantstared at the gloved hand he held out for her. He had offered her a deal of a lifetime. He offered her a future and something to look forward to. And all it took was her stupidity in jumping over a twenty foot wide chasm and using a rocket launcher to push her the rest of the way over to grab onto the ledge. It had been a risky move, afoolish move that her instructor yelled at her for, but she passed with a fifteen second lead on everyone else and a new record made for the school. (She could have done better but she had difficulty pulling herself up the ledge one-handed while sporting a dislocated shoulder.)

Her hand grasped his and shook firmly. It jarred the nerves but she only grit her teeth.

"Deal."

Four hands all came clasping down onto her shoulders, shaking her and clapping her back like she was one of them. "First round is on me!" one of them said, and the soldiers walked toward the city with her bright future on the horizon.

"Found anymore lava rivers to jump over, Shepard?"

She laughed, a true laugh that made her belly and cheeks hurt, before shaking her head. "No, none of those recently. We're headed to the icy tundra of Noveria, though. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to build snowmen and make snow angels."

His crow's feet crinkled eyes wrinkled even more. "Smart ass."

She hugged him, happy to see a familiar face after the mess that had gone on with Anderson and the council when she was given the mission to stop Saren.

"What are you doing on the Citadel?"

His happy look fell. He glanced over her shoulder before pulling her to the side and out of ear from the dockhands and her crew.

"Ellen isn't doing too well. She... she's at Huerta right now. They say there's not much time left."

Shepard feared for his next words. Things had been... tense since they last saw each other.

When you sleep with a married man, things like that happen.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Alec."

Alec Ryder had been a man that Shepard saw as a confidant. A friend that welcomed her into his family as if she was his own and then lifted her up during the moments that felt as if she had hit rock bottom.

But we had just a little too much to drink that night.

Shepard did everything she could not to stare at him, to recognize how handsome he was even with gray peaking around his temples and the darkness of war deep in his frown.

His hands moved to touch her like he used to, to remember her scars and her beauty and the little young thing that kept him young. She cleared her throat.

"How are your kids?" (She tried to remind herself of why things hadn't worked out.) They had to be teenagers now, probably older. She hadn't seen the twins in almost a decade; it was just after she met him.

They danced round each other for a few years before her training became more important and his... 'project' had troubles getting funding. It was around the time that he asked her for a small 'loan' that she ended things between them. Before it became more than a few hours shared during shore leave. Before them bumping into each other during missions became more than watching each other's 6, and getting in a peck when no one else was watching.

She had to remind herself why she left.

"They're good." He nodded, reminding himself, too, why she left. "Shay is out escorting an archival team near Terminus. Can't keep that girl out of a fight to save my life." She chuckled with him. "Sam is out looking for a bounty hunter that's made a mess of some Alliance missions. Or that's the last I heard, at least."

She nodded and found herself looking at his armor; looking at anything but his face. They were older than she remembered. Alliance, like their dad, probably. Working missions. Shepard tilted her head. The armor he wore was... off. The usual dark charcoal gray that he had worn for years, was missing. The red of his right arm? The tell-tale pistol always on his right hip?

The N7 insigna.

That'swhat was missing.

"New armor?" She raised a brow and finally looked him in the eye. He had aged, but it was only then she saw just how much. He looked older. Ashamed.

"You didn't hear..."

She almost didn't hear him then his voice was so low.

"Hear what?"

Shepard watched the swallow bob down his throat. He was quiet far longer than she appreciated.

"I was dishonorably discharged three years ago."

How had she not heard something like that? Surely Anderson would have told her. Filled her in.

"No." She whispered after just a few moments, eye wide and jaw lax. Not Alec. Of all people... What had he done? "I have to go."

She didn't give him time to protest. She disappeared into the Normandy and the airlock closed tight behind her.

.

As they took back the asteroid from the batarian pirates, everyone on her ground team noted how spaced Shepard was looking. She was shot more than once, all times that were easily missed if she had been paying attention. If she watched the pirates and not just simply looked at them.

And when they were back on the ship, heading towards Noveria to see what Liara's mother was up to, every ping from her omnitool or terminal had her flinching.

She didn't talk to Garrus.

She wouldn't even look at him.

Had he said something? Done something?

There was no label on… whatever they were. But Garrus wasn't familiar with a lot of human customs. Had he missed a sign? Garrus was tempted to ask Joker but thought best not too. He didn't even entertain the idea of asking Alenko; the lieutenant was not shy about his crush on the commander.

But Garrus would not let this go. Shepard was going to talk to him. Communication was key in any relationship.

When Williams passed by him on her way out of the mess, he quickly followed her to the elevator.

"Need something, Vakarian?" she asked, nonchalant about his urgency to get the elevator doors closed.

"I need to talk to you about Shepard."

.

FROM: Shepard
TO: Anderson
SUBJECT: When...
were you going to tell me?

FROM: Anderson
TO: Shepard
SUBJECT: re: When...
Tell you about what?

FROM: Shepard
TO: Anderson
SUBJECT: Alec
[this message was purposefully left blank]

FROM: Anderson
TO: Shepard
SUBJECT: re: Alec
I was only trying to protect you. He's not sound of mind, Shepard. He's not the Alec we knew.

FROM: Shepard
TO: Anderson
SUBJECT: re: re: Alec
If you truly wished to protect me, you should have left me on Mindoir.