Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.

AN - PLEASE READ!

So, this came to me out of nowhere, but I can't resist it. This story, which will be a multichap, though I have no idea of the length yet, is going to be ridiculous in both concept and content. Powerful, Political, Sarcastic, Probably somewhat dickish at times, Harry. Bodyguard, Loyal to Harry, Snape. Sarcastic, Evil but we love him anyway, magically rejuvenated to Tom Riddle and is now sexy, Voldemort. Idiot Fudge... so that's staying Canon. There will be clichéd plots, and random plot lines and...

If you want to read a serious, believable story, then press the back button on your browser and go find another story. Seriously. I won't be offended, I promise. Otherwise, take this with a pinch of salt, enjoy the stupidity that is clearly going to be ripe, and relax.

Contractual Obligations

"No."

"Harry, I know this is a lot to take in, but if you'll just listen -"

"No."

"Look, Potter, this is a way to end the war for good. Surely even you must see the -"

"No."

Harry stared out of the window in Dumbledore's office, refusing to even glance in the direction of the two men who were, quite literally, trying to convince him to sign his soul over to the devil. He was seventeen, barely at that, and yet they seemed to think it was okay for him to give up the rest of his life for the... what was it Dumbledore always called it? Oh. Of course. The greater good.

Fuck that bullshit. Why the hell should he? What had the Wizarding public at large ever done for him anyway? Called him names, tried to get him locked up in a psych ward, listened to the crap the Rita Skeeter spewed out like verbal vomit.

Fudge sighed deeply. "Mr Potter, think about the future of the Wizarding World. You could single handedly stop hundreds of people from dying. You'll be a hero until your dying day!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "No."

A knock on the door of the office interrupted anything Fudge or Dumbledore planned on trying next, and Harry turned his head to look suspiciously at the door. Professor's Snape and McGonagall entered, both looking stressed.

"Care to explain why we've been summoned, Headmaster?" Snape sneered, looking briefly at Harry.

"Come in, come in," Dumbledore said, gesturing them both to chairs. "Myself and Cornelius had a rather surprising visit this morning from Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange. They come baring an... ah... offer, from Lord Voldemort."

Harry rolled his eyes when Fudge jumped so badly his top hat fell off.

Snape frowned and McGonagall raised a hand to cover her mouth in shock.

"What kind of offer?" Snape asked.

"In exchange for peace for the Wizarding World, he wants Potter's hand in marriage," Fudge said, waving his hand agitatedly. "And Potter is being stubborn and refusing. It's ridiculous! Of course we're going to accept the offer!"

Harry snorted. "Without my agreement? Since the contract requires my signature, I'd like to see you try and accept it."

"What do we have to give you to convince you, Mr Potter?" Fudge growled.

"Hmm. Your resignation from the Ministry would be a mighty fine start," Harry replied, tapping his chin thoughtfully. Snape and McGonagall both smirked, and Dumbledore coughed to hide a chuckle. "Other than that... Actually, you know what? I'm good. I think I'll decline. Thanks though."

Before Fudge could reply, the Headmaster stepped in. "Cornelius, perhaps you should return to the Ministry for a few hours. We aren't scheduled to meet with Mr's Malfoy and Lestrange until this evening."

His tone had enough steel in it that Fudge nodded without argument or complaint, and with a last scathing look at Harry, he left the office via the fire.

"May we see the contract?" McGonagall asked, holding her hand out. When Dumbledore hesitated, Harry passed her his copy. With Snape reading over her shoulder, the two professors quickly got caught up on the situation.

"Quite the situations you get yourself into, Mr Potter," McGonagall said dryly, handing him the contract back. "And from the conversation we walked in on, we'll assume for arguments sake that you don't want to accept the contract?"

Harry chuckled. "I'm not accepting the contract, Professor. It's ridiculous. Whoever gave him the idea deserves the Avada that'll be heading for them when the reptilian bastard doesn't get his own way."

"So you're putting your own happiness above the safety of the Wizarding world?" Snape asked, familiar sneer in place. Harry tilted his head to look at the Slytherin Head of House. He didn't seem to be antagonising in his question, more curious than anything else.

"The simple answer, is yes," Harry replied. "The long answer, is I don't understand why anyone would believe that I should put their safety above my happiness with the way that the Wizarding World has treated me since I entered at age eleven. My name has been both praised and dragged through the mud. I've been called a hero and the New Dark Lord in the same issue of the rag that fashions itself as the Prophet. As Lord Potter-Black, I'm already getting bombarded with requests for both help and by people wanting an alliance, and I've only had the title for a little over a bloody week. Why the hell should I give anything up for the two faced, backstabbing bastards that want me to protect them?"

The three Professors sat staring at Harry for a moment. McGonagall looked shocked but thoughtful, Snape was nodding his head and looking somewhat impressed, and the Headmaster was doing a rather marvellous impression of a goldfish.

"But... Harry, my boy, before today, you were still planning on fighting in the war, were you not?"

"Of course," Harry agreed. "But not for the Wizarding public at large. I planned to fight for myself, because the fucker won't leave me alone. I'll never get any peace until he's dead. Case in point, now he doesn't only want to kill me, he wants to shag me as well."

"Mr Potter!" McGonagall gasped out.

Harry laughed. "My apologies, Professor McGonagall. That was crass of me. True, but crass."

"Harry, will you at least take a few hours and think about it? Lucius Malfoy will be back later, and I'm quite sure he's expecting an answer then."

Harry shrugged. "If it makes you feel better. I'm going for a walk. Seriously, Headmaster. I'm not going to accept this contract. Regardless on my decision to the idea as a whole, there will be alterations made. By me."

Dumbledore smiled wisely. "There are many paths to the same place, Harry. Trust me."

Snorting, Harry made his way to the door. Turning back, he raised his eyebrow at the Headmaster. "Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie."

"Where is he? My Lord is expecting my return, and I would hate to keep him waiting."

Dumbledore was about to try and pacify Lucius again when the door to the office opened and Harry strolled in.

"There you are, Harry. We were beginning to worry."

Harry nodded. "I'm sure you were," he said pleasantly. Turning to Lucius and Rodolphus, he said, "Tell Voldemort that I'm not accepting the contract as it stands. I'm willing to negotiate on some of the points with him if he so chooses. If he decides he isn't willing to negotiate, tell him I'll see him around."

"Now see here," Fudge spluttered. "You can't just decide whether or not to sign the contract on your own!"

Harry nodded. "Actually, I can. See, the contract only requires my signature, therefore, it's my decision. We've had this conversation once today, Minister, I'm not willing to have it again."

"See here now, Boy! I'll see you in Azkaban! You can't play around with lives like this! You mark my words!"

The air around Harry grew cold and his eyes radiated fury. "Don't. Call. Me. Boy."

Fudge shrank back in his seat, as Harry walked towards him slowly.

"Listen carefully, Fudge. As Lord Potter-Black, I have enough people begging to ally themselves with me on the Winzengamot that if I called a no-confidence vote, you'd be out of a job in minutes. Not only that, but as Harry Potter, I have enough magic in me that I could destroy you and any evidence along with it. Capisce?"

Nodding rapidly, his face pale, Fudge sank as far back into his seat as he could.

Sniffing in disgust, Harry turned away.

"Lord Potter-Black," Lucius began, eyeing Harry cautiously, "My Lord has expressed his wish to get this matter closed as soon as possible. When are you willing to meet to begin negotiations?"

"So he knew I'd want to negotiate?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Of course. He is not a stupid man, nor does he believe you to be."

Harry nodded. "As long as he swears on his magic not to cause any harm during the meeting, I'll make myself available at his convenience."

Lucius and Rodolphus stood up. Lucius held his hand out to Harry, who took it and shook it briefly. "We'll be in touch."

Harry sat down as the two of them walked out of the room, Fudge following behind them with his head down, leaving Harry alone with Dumbledore.

"Harry?"

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"You handled that rather masterfully. Care to explain what exactly is going on?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

Dumbledore frowned. "How is it that you know so much about being Lord Potter-Black after merely a week?"

Harry chuckled. "The Goblins are mighty helpful. Especially to people who have more gold than they know what to do with. Besides that, I'm sick and tired of people taking advantage of my lack of knowledge."

"I see. Perhaps you'd like to explain the changes your going to make to the contract?"

"Is it necessary? You'll be present at the negotiations, you can comment on them as and when they're made."

"You'll allow me to be present?"

Harry rolled his eyes at the surprise in Dumbledore's tone and on his face.

"Of course. I don't pretend to understand everything, Professor. I'm just not willing to let other people dictate my life any longer. If I'm to bring peace to the Wizarding World, I want satisfaction for myself as well. Surely you can understand that?"

Dumbledore radiated relief as he relaxed in his seat. "Of course, my boy, of course."