A/N Hello Everyone! As you can see this isn't the next chapter of Together We're Both Alone, which I can't post today because Bill Gates is holding it hostage :/ No really… My subscription for Microsoft Word 365 expired and it completely locked me out of all of my own docs which let me tell you fills me with rage… And I tried to open the file in google docs and i don't know if its something microsoft did or the fact that it's over 120 pages long but every time i try to open google is like WTF I can't open this! So yeah, I'm gonna try and sort everything out this week so I can get back on schedule for next week…
In the meantime I busted out another story for the Love Multiplies-verse this weekend so I could at least give you guys something… You're definitely going to have to have read The Trump Card (which this story takes place 2 years after) before you read this one, or you're not going to have any idea who these kids are
This story is for phoenix_173 who both requested it and then was my angst cheerleader since it's totally out of my comfort zone… So if you like it you can thank her and if you hate it, well, you can blame me since I'm the one the who wrote it :P
This was a nightmare.
He was trapped in a nightmare he couldn't wake up from no matter how hard he tried.
In the back of his mind Mark always kind of assumed he'd get cancer someday. After all no one really knew exactly how much radiation he'd been exposed to during his tenure on Mars. When you added in the playing with hydrazine, and going on road trips with a box of plutonium as his passenger, it was something he just sort of expected would happen one day. It was going to be one last final fuck you from the red planet.
So really, it should have been him laying in that hospital bed with an IV pumping a toxic mix of cancer fighting drugs into his veins.
Not his six year old.
Not his Eliza.
He watched his sleeping daughter wondering how this could have happened to her. He knew better than most that life wasn't fair, but he couldn't help but wonder why the universe had chosen her to get diagnosed with cancer before she completed the first grade.
It had started when Beth noticed that she came home from school with her arms and legs covered in bruises. But none of them thought it was more than the carelessness of a rambunctious little girl playing too hard during recess. After all, how many times did she hurt herself over the years trying to keep up with her older siblings. But it was when that same little endlessly energetic kid stopped wanting to do anything but lay on the couch, stopped wanting to eat, and started complaining about headaches that the doctor in Chris stood up and took notice.
Three days and a barrage of tests later they had their answer.
Acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
The entire family was quick to rally around their youngest member. No strangers to hardship or crisis situations, the adults made fast work of making plans, changing routines, and shifting schedules. Between the three of them they were able to make sure their youngest was never alone, while still insuring that their other children's lives remained as normal as possible under the circumstances.
The older children also stepped up in their own ways, each doing what they could to pick up the slack at home while their parents were distracted. Whitney especially, who'd just recently turned 16 and had gotten her driver's license, went above and beyond in doing whatever she could to help out. Whether it be taking her siblings to and from school and extracurricular activities, or bringing dinner up to the hospital for whichever parent was camped out there for the night.
Eliza's prognosis was good, they'd caught it early, benefit of having a doctor in the family. And her doctor was the best pediatric oncologist in the state, yet another benefit of having a doctor in the family. Mark knew all of this, but when he was watching his baby girl sleep in the small hours of the morning, hooked up to tubes and machines, far too pale in the moonlight streaming through the window, it was all too easy to let those dark thoughts intrude.
He was jostled out of his contemplations when the nurse on her rounds, entered the room to check Eliza's vitals.
"I wasn't expecting you to still be awake," Courtny, his favorite of the night nurses on the pediatric ward, greeted him softly.
"Hi Courtny," he replied in turn, grunting a little as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I'm not very tired tonight."
"Sorry Mark," she said noticing his discomfort. "I know those recliners aren't the most comfortable things to sleep in. They do terrible things to your back after a while."
"It's fine," he said dismissively. "I've had a bad back for years, I'm used to it."
He watched silently as the nurse checked Eliza's temperature, pulse, and blood pressure all without waking the little girl up. "I don't know how she sleeps through that," Mark commented.
"She's a champ," Courtny said with a smile, fondly brushing a lock of hair off the little girl's face.
"She get's it from her mother," he said idly. "The ability to sleep through anything."
"It's a handy skill to have," she said as she filled out Eliza's chart. "My oldest girl will wake up if a car drives by on the street. My son though, I can vacuum under his crib while he's sleeping and he doesn't so much as budge. You really should try to get some sleep yourself Mark," she added. "Morning is going to be here before you know it."
"I'll try," he said, not promising anything. "Thank you Courtny."
"Of course," she smiled gently as she walked towards the door. "And say hello to Chris and Beth for me if I'm already off by the time they get here in the morning," she requested, familiar with all three of Eliza's parents since they took turns on who would stay at the hospital and who would go home with the other three children.
"Will do," he promised. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight Mark."
Mark continued to sit vigil in the chair beside Eliza's bed, just watching her breathe. He was watching her so closely that he saw the exact moment her brow furrowed and her eyes fluttered open, immediately searching him out in the room.
"Papa?" she called out tiredly.
"I'm right here Princess," he assured her, running a hand down her cheek."What's wrong?"
"I had a bad dream," she told him.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
The little girl sighed, clearly thinking about it before answering. "I dreamed about the big black monster again."
"Don't worry sweetheart, it was just a dream," Mark assured her, running a soothing hand up and down her arm.
"It came and took me away," she confessed. "And I never got to go home. I tried and I tried to get away and find you, but I got all lost. And I never got to see you or Mommy, or Daddy or Whitney, or MJ, or Jojo ever again."
"Well I'm right here, and Mommy and Daddy will be here in the morning," he reminded her, trying to both sooth her fears and distract her from her nightmare. "And your brother and sisters are going to come over after school to spend time with you, won't that fun?"
But Eliza wasn't diverted from her worries so easily. "Papa, I don't want to go away," she said looking up at him with wide eyes welling with tears. "I'd miss you too much."
It took all of Mark's willpower to keep his own tears at bay. This wasn't the first time that Eliza has dreamt about the big black monster. Chris said it was the subconscious manifestation of her cancer. That it was her way of working through her fears about her illness.
"Oh Liza my love," he said softly. "You're not going anywhere. I wouldn't let a big black monster or anything else take you away from me, and if you ever get lost we'll find you. That's how we do things in this family, we don't let anyone stay lost for long."
"Like how Mommy and Daddy came and found you when you were lost on Mars?" she asked, a lone tear escaping from the corner of her eye.
"Exactly like how Mommy and Daddy came for me when I was on Mars," he said, wiping the tear away gently.
"Okay," the little girl said, accepting everything her Papa said as an absolute truth. "Will you cuddle?" she requested. "Keep the monster away?"
"Oh course Princess," he said immediately, abandoning the recliner and sliding into the hospital bed, being careful of the IV line attached to her arm.
"I love you Papa," Eliza murmured, already half back to sleep.
"I love you so much baby girl."
"To Mars and back?" she asked, using the qualifier their family had grown up using.
"All the way to Mars and back," he repeated reassuringly. "Now go to sleep and I'll keep the monsters away."
He pulled his little girl into his chest, circling her in his arms, curling his body around her small and frail frame. He wished it was as easy to protect her from the real monsters in her life, that he could keep her safe in his arms forever and drive them away like he did bad dreams.
Mark wasn't aware he had even fallen asleep until he woke with a jolt when he felt someone push the hair from his face. He relaxed again when he saw it was Beth standing over him.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered, mindful of the sleeping child that during the night had draped herself across his chest.
"It's fine, I wasn't sleeping very deep anyways," he assured her. "What time is it?"
"A little after 7," she told him.
"The kids get off to school alright?"
"Yeah, Whitney offered to drop everyone off."
"Good."
"I brought you coffee," Beth said, holding up his favorite travel mug from home.
"I love you," Mark sighed gratefully, carefully shifted Eliza's limp body off of him and onto the mattress before slipping from the bed. He only made it as far as the recliner before he sat back down, gently tugging Beth's wrist until she settled on his lap.
"How'd the night go?" Beth asked, tucking her head between Mark's chin and shoulder.
"Quiet for the most part, Courtny said to say hi." Mark sighed as he looked at his peacefully sleeping daughter, "She had that nightmare again."
She didn't really have to ask, but she did anyways. "Big black monster that comes to take her away?"
"Yep."
Beth sighed heavily, but didn't speak. Instead they just sat silently taking comfort in each other as they watched their daughter rest, both of them heartbroken that their little girl knew that some monsters were all too real.
"Where's Chris?" Mark asked after awhile.
"He went to go see if the donor results were in," she told him.
As soon as Eliza's oncologist had recommended a bone marrow transplant as the next course of action, the whole family had immediately gotten tested to see if any of them were a viable donor. With three full blooded siblings the odds were good that one of them would be a match.
The door swinging open had both of them sitting up straight and swiveling their heads around. As if saying his name summoned him, there was Chris a wide smile on his face.
"Good news?" Beth asked hopefully.
"Out of the six of us, we have one excellent match in the family," Chris announced.
"Who is it?" Mark asked, feeling a huge sense of relief at the news. One was all they needed.
"You."
"Me?" he asked taken aback. He would be more than happy to donate for her. Hell he'd chop off one of his hands if it meant she'd get well. But he figured he'd mainly gotten tested as a show of solidarity for the kids. They were the ones who had the best chance of being a viable donor, Chris and Beth being second to them since the more closely related you were the higher the chances of being a match. "Really? But I'm not genetically related to her at all. What are the odds of that?"
"People match with complete strangers all the time," Chris shrugged. "That's why they have a national registry after all..." He trailed off with a contemplative, far away look in his eye for a long moment. He opened his mouth to speak again, but he was interrupted by a small enthusiastic voice.
"Mommy! Daddy!" Eliza was awake and excited to see her parents that weren't there when she went to sleep.
"Morning baby," Beth said happily, leaving Mark's lap to give her daughter a big hug and kiss. "Did you sleep okay?" she asked, already knowing the answer.
Eliza just shrugged and squeezed her mother extra hard.
"Good morning sweetheart," Chris said, next in line to greet the little girl. "Do you think you're going to be able to eat breakfast today?" he asked, knowing her meds sometimes either killed her appetite or made her nauseous.
The six year old took a moment to consider it, her nose scrunched up as she thought. "Maybe just some waffles. No syrup, just butter."
"You got it kiddo," Chris told her, dropping another kiss to her temple before picking up the phone next to her bed to put in her breakfast order.
Mark glanced up at the clock on the wall realizing that it was time for him to go. "I gotta get moving if I'm going to have time to run home and shower before class starts," he announced to the room. "I'll be back after work, okay Princess?"
"Okay Papa," she said agreeably, lifting her small face for a kiss, which he was only too happy to provide.
He hated leaving her, but it wasn't as if she was going to be alone. Chris still had a while before he would need to go to work and Beth had brought her laptop with her so she could work from the hospital, so she would be staying with Eliza all day. Life had to go on as much as possible, regardless of how much he felt that his own personal world had stopped spinning. He just didn't know how families with only two parents or god forbid single parents, handled having a seriously ill child in the hospital. It was hard enough to balance everything between the three of them.
Mark made it through his work day on rote, eager to get back to the hospital. That afternoon he was walking through the lobby on the way to the elevator when he heard his name being called and a familiar slapping of sneakered feet against the tiled floor.
"Papa!"
He barely had time to turn around and put down his work bag before Johanna launched herself into his arms. "Ufff," he exhaled as he caught her, settling her onto one hip seconds before MJ crashed into his other side and he wrapped his other arm around the boy's shoulders. "Hey kiddos. I missed you guys," he greeted dropping a kiss to Johanna's forehead and ruffling MJ's hair. He hadn't seen them since breakfast the day before. As hard as it was to leave Eliza at the hospital, it was just as difficult not being there for the others like he was accustomed to.
"Hey Pops," Whitney grinned when she finally caught up to them, having followed her siblings through the lobby at a more sedate pace.
"Hey Whitney," he said smiling at his oldest. "Are you guys just getting here?" he asked, thinking that they were supposed to come over right after school.
"I let them run around the park behind the elementary school for awhile and burn off some energy, then I took them to McDonalds to get a snack so they wouldn't jump all over Eliza or try to eat her dinner again," she explained.
"We wouldn't do that," Johanna scoffed, clearly offended at the implication.
They would and they had before. Mark just raised a disbelieving eyebrow and looked at Whitney who he realized was looking back at him with the same exact expression on her face. He took a moment to marvel at just how grown up she had become and wonder when that had happened.
"Don't worry," Whitney continued. "I called Mom to let her know so she wouldn't worry."
"Good thinking all around," Mark praised his oldest.
Whitney just smiled and shrugged.
"So are you guys ready to go see you sister?" he asked them, quickly getting three affirmative responses. "Would you grab my bag for me son?" he asked MJ since he still had his arms filled with his middle daughter. At nine years old she was really getting to be too old to be carried around like this, but she had inherited her mother's small stature so that had bought her some extra time.
As soon as the elevator stopped on the pediatrics floor, MJ took off like a shot, Johanna jumping out of his arms to take off after him, both of them familiar with the route to Eliza's room.
"Don't run please!" he called after them. He considered it a win when they slowed down to a race walk. Before he followed them, he took a moment to pull a 20 out of his wallet and handed it to Whitney.
"What's this for?" she asked taking the money.
"To pay you back for feeding your brother and sister," he told her.
"It too much. It was only McDonalds and I made them order off the value menu," she replied.
"Are you really going to complain that I'm giving you extra money?" he asked one eyebrow raised.
Whitney quickly reconsidered. "Nope!" she said popping the P before shoving the money into her pocket.
"That's what I thought," Mark smirked as they walked down the hall together.
About ten feet out from Eliza's room, he put out a hand to stop the teenager. "Hey Whit, I just want to tell you that Mom, Dad, and I see everything you've been doing lately," he said to her questioning expression. "And we appreciate all of it. You're really growing up into an amazing young woman and I couldn't be more proud that you're my daughter."
Whitney looked down at her shoes, a faint blush staining her cheeks at the meaningful praise. "Thanks," she said bashfully, looking up at him through her eyelashes, before reaching out and wrapping her arms around his middle.
"I love you kiddo," he said into her hair as he hugged her back.
"I love you too Pops," she replied, before pulling away and heading into Eliza's room.
By the time Mark made it into the room MJ and Johanna had already installed themselves on the foot of Eliza's bed and had open coloring books in front of them, and Whitney was picking up her baby sister so that she could sit in her lap. Beth was typing away on her laptop but when she saw Mark enter the room she shut the lid and set it aside.
"How was work?" she asked as he settled into the visitors chair next to the recliner she was camped out in.
"Same old same old," he shrugged, before leaning over for a kiss. "How were things here?"
"She had a good day. She napped on and off all morning so I was able to get some work done. But she was feeling well enough to go to music time in the playroom this afternoon and she really enjoyed that. And we brought the coloring books and crayons back with us," she said nodding to the coloring that now all four of their children were engaged in.
"Good, I'm glad," he said reaching over to take Beth's hand in his.
Mark and Beth continued to talk quietly, half listening to the children chattering on about their respective days while they colored, until Mark looked up and saw how late it was getting. He and Beth would need to get the older children home for their actual dinner soon and Chris, who's turn it was to stay the night, still hadn't shown up yet.
"Did Chris tell you he was going to be late?" he asked Beth.
She shook her head, and then double checked her phone to make sure she didn't miss any messages. "No, he didn't say anything to me."
"Huh." That wasn't like him at all so Mark took out his own phone and fired off a quick text. It only took a minute to get a reply. "He's in the lobby, he'll be right up."
"Sorry I'm so late guys," Chris apologized as he entered the room, crossing to the bed to greet the children first. "Hey can I talk to you two?" he asked lowly.
Mark and Beth shared a quick confused glance.
"Of course," Beth said climbing to her feet.
She caught Whitney's eye and gestured to the younger three, wordlessly asking her to keep an eye on things. When she nodded her understanding, the adults took the moment to sneak out to the currently empty parents quiet room down the hall.
"Whats going on?" Beth asked, her expression a mixture of concern and curiosity.
"So I had another test done, just to satisfy my own curiosity. I mean it's a hunch I've had for a couple of years now, but it was never important to find out for sure so I just let it go. That's why I'm so late tonight, I had to wait for the results. At first I wasn't even going to tell you guys, but that didn't feel right either so-"
"Chris," Mark interrupted his rambling, something the other man only did when he was nervous. "Just tell us. Am I not actually a match?" he asked his heart in his throat at the very thought.
"No you are!" Chris assured him quickly. "It's just… I did a DNA test on you and Eliza. The reason you're the only donor match is because biologically she's yours."
Mark's eyes went wide. "No. That's impossible," he said resolutely. "I had a vasectomy before Whitney was born."
"The DNA results say differently," Chris shrugged. "And vasectomies have been known to reverse themselves."
Mark sat down heavily in a nearby chair looking as if someone had slapped him. "I'm sorry," he said a look of devastation on his face as he glanced back and forth between the two of them. "I'm so sorry."
"Why? This doesn't change anything Mark," Beth said, attempting to reassure him, not sure what he was apologizing for.
"They've all been ours from the beginning," Chris agreed. "It doesn't matter who's biologically her father. It's why I never even thought to bring it up before now."
"Yes it does," Mark said his eyes welling with tears. "It changes everything."
"What are you talking about?" Beth asked.
"Don't you understand?" Mark said his hands raking through his hair. "It means that this is my fault. That I did this to her. Oh god, I did this to our baby."
"What, no!" Chris practically shouted. "You can absolutely not blame yourself for Eliza's leukemia."
"How can I not?" Mark replied, absolutely wrecked.
"Did you blame me or Beth for Eliza getting sick, before you found out she was yours?" Chris asked.
"Of course not. But I'm different," he insisted, a silent tear streaming down his face. "Isn't this exactly what I was worried about when we first decided to have children? Why we all agreed it was better for them to be yours biologically. It was my defective DNA that did this to her."
"How dare you say that!" Beth exclaimed her voice cracking as she lost her own battle with tears. "That little girl is perfect with or without cancer. And she wouldn't be who she is, if she wasn't half of you. I wouldn't give her up or change her for anything in this world. Are you saying you'd rather we didn't have her?"
"What?! Of course not!" Mark denied vehemently, appalled at the very suggestion. "It's just… it's just…" He buried his face in hands, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to get his emotions under control.
Chris dropped to his knees in front of the other man, reached out to cup the back of Mark's neck and tugged him forward until their foreheads were touching. "Listen and listen good Mark Watney," he said lowly. "None of this is your fault. Cancer is a terrible ugly thing, but it just happens some time. It's no one's fault, it's just luck of the draw. Okay, if she inherited anything from you it's your shitty luck, I mean you got yourself left on Mars for fucks sake. You're allowed to blame yourself for that, but only that."
Beth let out a soggy laugh from where she was standing right beside them, a hand on the back of each of their heads.
"But you know what else she inherited from you?" he asked, not waiting for a response before continuing. "Her fighting spirit. She's a survivor just like her father, and she's not going to let a thing like leukemia beat her. She's going to be fine and come out even stronger on the other side. Trust me I'm a doctor," Chris considered it a job well done when he get a chuckle, however weak, from Mark. "This isn't your fault."
The three of them stayed like that for several long moments breathing the same air and taking strength from each other. If there was one thing that they had come to learn over the past 20 years, whenever one of them would stumble the other two were right there to help pick them back up.
Once he had composed himself, Mark sat back up in his chair. "Why did you think that Liza was mine before all of this?" he asked Chris curiously.
"Because when I look at her, I see your eyes looking back at me," he answered simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Mark cocked his head to the side, not understanding. After all, how many times had Beth commented on the fact that they had almost the exact same colored eyes. Her blue eyed boys she would call them. But he didn't get a chance to question him further because then Chris was kissing him hard, both penance and absolution of his self perceived sins. As soon as Chris backed off, there was Beth to take his place. Soft and sweet, her kiss was healing.
"I love you," she whispered against his lips. "It's going to be okay. We're all going to be okay."
"Come on," Chris said climbing to his feet. "We should go check on the kids, make sure they're not wreaking havoc or terrorizing nurses."
Mark followed behind them silently as they walked back to their daughter's hospital room, his heart heavy. Even if he understood what Chris had told him logically. Even if he accepted that neither Chris or Beth blamed him for Eliza's illness. It would take longer to believe that himself.
"The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children," he quoted softly to himself."What was that Mark?" Beth asked over her shoulder.
"Nothing," he said shaking his head. "Just talking to myself."
Fuck you Mars.
A/N And then Eliza enters complete remission and gets to be the sassy little girl we all know and love and whenever Mark tries to pull the Mars card on her she replies hey remember that time I had CANCER and they find themselves at an impasse… Because I don't kill kids ;)
The quote at the end where the title comes from is Shakespeare from The Merchant of Venice… I thought it was fitting..
Anyways if you could let me know what you think I'd love you forever because I'm super anxious and insecure about this one…