The first time she kisses Amy Raudenfeld is a week after the party (the party, Shane's party, the 'she should have been homecoming queen and not queen of running from the house in tears' party). It's in Amy's house, in her room, against her closet door and, for the life of her, Lauren can't understand how she got there.

Not that she's complaining. Not exactly, anyway.

The first time she kisses Amy Raudenfeld (which is really more of Amy kissing her, but that's a technicality and one that only lasts a second or two or maybe three cause then she's kissing back and who kissed who is kinda moot then) Lauren spends most of the kiss (most, not all, definitely not the part when Amy swipes her tongue across her lips or when Amy's hands find her hips or when Amy presses her hard against the door and she has to go up on her tiptoes to keep contact) wondering 'what if?'

What if she'd never gone to that party? What if, that night, she'd skipped the brownies (at least the second one) (or the third) (definitely the third.) What if she'd never ended up in the hall and Amy had never found her there?

What if she'd remembered which bedroom Amy had taken her to and not gone back to the wrong one? And, mostly, what if Liam Booker wasn't a cheating ass and Karma Ashcroft really was a lesbian and what if what if what if…

Lots of what ifs. Lots.

The first time she kisses Amy Raudenfeld, Lauren spends most of the time wondering and worrying and thinking (because she's Lauren) and she doesn't really let herself enjoy it as much as maybe she should or at least see if she enjoys it cause it's her first time with Amy and her first time with a girl, period, and those are the kinds of things Lauren knows you have to really experience, that you have to be there and in the moment to know, for sure, if they're for you or not.

The first time, she spends too much time inside her own head to know any of that and that's totally the only reason there's a second time.

Totally.

A week before the first time she kisses Amy Raudenfeld (the night she actually meets Amy), Lauren is at a party and high out of her fucking mind.

Not a party. The party. The Shane Harvey pre-Homecoming, pre the big dance, pre the crowning of new high school royalty party.

She's been at Hester, and in Austin, for two months. Her daddy moved them there for "business" and yes, Lauren is smart enough and aware enough to know that "business" is code for "complications" and "complications" is code for he got caught with his little Bruce in the wrong place (again) and yes, she's smart enough and aware enough to know that probably the daddy issues she's got from that have a lot (read: everything) to do with why it takes her less than a month to land Liam Booker as her first Hester boyfriend.

Not Liam Booker. The Liam Booker. The Liam Booker known all the way to Dallas, the Liam Booker son of Squirkle, the straight half of the Harvey-Booker ruling class, the most popular guy in school.

The guy who got dumped by his last girlfriend after she caught him with little Liam in the wrong place (read: her sister) and now she's the one no one talks to and she's the one who won't be at the party and she's the one whose family may be moving out of town for "business".

Lauren sees the irony and the bullshit and the total unfairness of it all.

But it's high school and that girl's loss is her gain and it's not like she really likes Liam (much) or really thinks he's that hot (at least not with his shirt on or whenever he speaks) or even really wants to date him (it's a means to an end a necessary evil and all that) so she doesn't feel too bad about it all.

And it doesn't hurt that Liam can kiss. Her lips mostly but more... other places.

It also doesn't hurt that he gets her in places like the party. Places that she wouldn't have needed anyone's help (particularly not the help of a boy and yes, Lauren is quite sure that kissing skills and abs of steel and money, money, money aside, Liam Booker is a boy) getting into back in Dallas. Back there, she was the Shane, minus the penis and the gay (though sometimes - most times - she has to deal with him, Lauren's pretty sure she's got way bigger balls than Shane ever will). She didn't need anyone to help her or to give her social standing coattails to ride on.

But that was Dallas and this is Austin. And here down is up and up is down and out is in and traditional (right) and normal (also right) and not weird or trendy or of-the-moment (things Lauren has never been accused of being) don't provide the sort of social capital they should.

So a hot boyfriend doesn't hurt. And if he's not opposed to (and kinda good at) making her cum (and not all that interested in her returning the favor which she knows, later, should have been a fucking tip off, like he just wanted practice, cause competing with a lesbian) well, that's just fine too.

It's fine, right up until the moment she staggers back into the wrong bedroom (which, all things considered, might be the right bedroom, though she and Amy might disagree on that) at the party and finds her hot boyfriend with his little (and that is, she discovers, a surprisingly accurate description) somewhere it shouldn't be.

And it isn't just that it shouldn't be because that somewhere isn't her (cause, once she sees, she's kinda grateful) and not just because that somewhere is also taken (cause it's high school and infidelity may as well be an item on the cafeteria menu) but mostly because that somewhere is supposed to be a dick (and she totally means actual penis and not 'he's a tool' dick) free zone.

Cause Lauren may not be as hip and as cool and as open minded as Hester might like, but even she knows that lesbians aren't supposed to be bent over the edge of a bed, getting pounded from behind and begging for the boy to go harder and faster and moaning in like a three octave range.

She guesses, right then (standing in that bedroom doorway with Amy right behind her and neither of them can move or speak or really do much of anything besides stare) that what everyone says is true.

Karma Ashcroft does have the best voice in school.

The night she meets Amy Raudenfeld (and the night they share some chips and some talk and the experience of finding her boyfriend fucking her girlfriend) is also the first time Lauren gets high.

That is totally Karma's fault.

Hers and Liam's and, later that night when she's finally alone and not crying (which should tell her something) and not high (though she kinda wishes she was) and rubbing Amy's back and trying to think of soothing words to calm her, Lauren will realize just how much of the blame for entire night falls squarely in Karma Ashcroft's lap.

Or somewhere in that general area.

The losing of the boyfriend is obvious (though Lauren isn't sure how much of a loss it really is and she's already figuring how to spin it to her advantage so maybe it's more of a favor but still…). Amy's tears and the awkward, laying on her bed and trying to be a good friend even though we only met like two hours ago moments is Karma's fault too and so is Lauren's high, the very thing that got her in this fucking mess to begin with.

Getting high is Lauren's nightmare. Too much loss of control (cause any loss of control is too much), too many chances she'll say something about something and people will know something, too much of a chance that she'll tell someone (like Shane) (or Liam) (or all of them) how she really feels about them and their bass-ackwards town and school and really, she doesn't care what any of them think, but if she's gonna be stuck here for the next three years, she kinda doesn't want to spend it in social exile.

So, yeah. Getting high? Worst. Thing. Ever.

And totally Karma's fault. Hers and Liam's (again) cause she brought the brownies and he doesn't keep Lauren from eating the first one.

Or the second. And he's fucking disappeared by the time she reaches for the third and, later, when she finds out that at that moment, while she's reaching for more calories and trans fats and (probably) gluten, when she finds out exactly where he is (and she totally means the bedroom and not balls deep in Ashcroft, though that is where he is and that is the vision that will stick with her - and with Amy - for like the rest of her life) that will just make it worse.

She was getting high. He was getting laid.

Later on, Lauren knows Amy would probably disagree, but she's kinda thinking that maybe she got the better end of that deal.

She finishes the third brownie (third in fifteen minutes) and wobbles up and off the couch, only vaguely noticing that Liam isn't there and even less vaguely wondering where he might be but she knows (knows) he's not here and this is where he's supposed to be because he's supposed to stop her from things like three brownies in fifteen minutes cause he knows how she feels about empty calories.

Empty. Empty. Kind of like them. Empty.

She should, she knows, break up with him. Not over the brownies cause that would be silly, but cause, really, there's nothing to him except abs and lips and money and maybe (maybe) something (something little) she might have let him show her tonight if, you know, she wasn't high (cause she so is) and he hadn't disappeared (cause he so has).

"But none of that is what you build a relationship on, am I right?"

The silence and the empty air around her and the unoccupied couch and the tray with one more brownie (mmmm….brownie) on it all agree. So it's settled. She's dumping him. Just as soon as she's not high anymore.

She'd do it now, right now, right this very second. Except he's not here. And she's not sure she'd remember. But when she comes down? Mark her words. She's dumping him. So dumping him.

Right after she has another brownie.

Or maybe some chips. Yeah… chips. Cool Ranch. Gotta be Cool Ranch cause… well… cool. And ranch. And none of that annoying red crumbs and crap that gets all over your fingers and then everyone can tell you've been eating the chips cause that won't do cause chips are more empty calories and sugars and chemicals and carbs and and and

So Good.

Lauren loves Cool Ranch.

"Shh," she whispers. "Don't tell anyone. It's a secret."

The empty hall between Shane's kitchen and the living room totes agrees to keep its mouth shut and never tell a soul.

Lauren stands there for a minute, in the hall, watching as people drift by her. The sober part of her (it's small and annoying and so a lot like her, she guesses) watches them, trying to guess how many brownies they've had, trying to gauge their level of highness.

Is that a word? Highness? Your Highness. A princess. A queen.

I'm a queen.

Where was she?

Right. Chips. Totes getting some chips.

And she will. She totally will. Right after she sits down for a minute. Just one. She just needs to rest her feet. Just a little rest. She'll only be a minute.

And that's where Amy finds her. Leaning against the wall in the Harvey hallway as people step over her and her head lolls to the side and there's a little bit of drool forming in the corner of her mouth.

A week later, as Amy's lips press against hers and Lauren's hands find their way to Amy's ass and there's moans (and she's doesn't know which of them started that but she's pretty sure it was her cause… fuck… Amy can kiss) Lauren wonders what if.

What if Amy had walked on by?

It's only one kiss (that becomes two and then three and then there's a bed beneath her and Amy on top of her and whoever would have thought Lauren would enjoy being topped?) so it's probably too soon to tell.

But maybe, she thinks (at least for a moment before Amy's hands slide under the back of her shirt and she loses the ability) getting high wasn't the worst thing ever.