Step Six: Closeness

Yuu stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom, staring at his reflection.

Tonight was the night.

He'd tried to keep his mind distracted all day, but now, standing in his pajamas it was almost time for him to go meet Mika in his room, and Yuu couldn't stop the nervous beating of his heart.

He sighed.

It wasn't like anything was going to happen. Mika had already told him that wasn't what this was. That he still wanted to wait until Yuu was 18. Even still though… Yuu got the feeling this was some kind of practice- that lying in the bed with Mika was a step to doing so for the rest of his life, so he didn't want to screw it up.

Yuu looked over his reflection again.

His hair was wild, in the way that he knew Mika liked. His eyes looked big and green in a way that made Yuu feel a bit too vulnerable, so he tried to ignore it, but none of this is what was bothering him.

His only question was… what should he wear?

It was a ridiculous question, and it made him feel like a girl, but… it was somehow important.

Should he wear his shirt? Or would that just make Mika see him as more of a kid?

Should he go without it? Or would that just make Mika uncomfortable?

These small things haunted him, and he had no idea how to make his decision. But in the end when Yuu reached for his shirt his heart started beating so fast he couldn't go through with it.

Not because he was shy… but because images of Mika's bare torso sliding against his filled his mind and Yuu had to shake them away violently before he had a more embarrassing problem to show Mika.

Yuu took a deep breath and left his room.

He walked down the hall, trying to keep his expression neutral and his breathing steady as he walked up to Mika's bedroom door and carefully knocked.

Mika's voice sounded through the wood.

"Come in, Yuu-chan."

Yuu opened the door.

When he walked in his breath sort of caught in his throat.

A single lamp cast a dim, warm glow for the entire room. Mika sat on his bed, wearing full pajamas and with a book open in his lap. The way the gold light played over his face and cast shadows off all his sharp angles made Yuu burn for him from the inside out.

Mika looked up when he walked in. He instantly smiled.

"Are you going to stay way over there?" He asked, closing his book and setting it aside as he looked Yuu over.

Yuu swallowed and stepped forward.

He climbed onto his side of the bed, feeling Mika's eyes watching him but having a hard time looking at the blonde vampire as he slipped himself between the sheets.

Mika chuckled lowly.

"This isn't like you," he murmured, reaching out to pluck Yuu's hand up off the bed and bring it to his lips. "You're never this nervous. You remember what I told you, don't you? Tonight isn't-,"

"I know," Yuu let out a breath all at once, finally turning to look at Mika. "Somehow that actually makes me more nervous though."

Mika toyed with Yuu's fingers that his still held in his hands. "Oh? Why is that?"

"Because I don't know what to do," Yuu replied. "When I touch you, I just have instincts but…" Yuu studied Mika's face. "This feels different."

Mika's eyes softened, "Why does that not surprise me?" he smiled reaching out one of his hands to touch Yuu's face. "It's okay Yuu. You can just be yourself. I can handle your instincts tonight, and besides…" Mika leaned forward to brush their lips together, "I never actually said you couldn't touch me."

Yuu shuddered.

"What step is this?" Yuu asked suddenly, breathlessly, and Mika blinked at him.

Yuu cleared his throat, "I mean, with the taking things slowly. What step are we on?"

Mika laughed a little.

"Closeness," he replied, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. His nose brushed the side of Yuu's and the dark boy breathed out.

"Oh," he said.

Mika reached up to run his thumb soothingly over Yuu's cheek.

"I want us to grow accustomed to this." he explained, closing his eyes and taking slow steady breaths. "Just being together. Holding you, and knowing you're with me. I want you to feel safe."

"I do feel safe with you," Yuu replied softly. Mika shook his head.

"I know," he murmured, "but I mean… I want… for you- for both of us- to feel secure in this. In just this. I want to always be the place where you are comfortable."

Yuu understood what Mika meant. In fact, he felt he might already be there…that Mika was already the place he trusted that he could always be himself. He knew there was one step in the way though, maybe the step that Mika was trying to overcome… that part of him was nervous. That he worried over if what he did would make him desirable to Mika, or if it would make him seem like a silly child.

Mika didn't want that for him. He wanted Yuu to trust him, and to feel secure with him always, so Yuu tried. He tried not to think about anything else… but it was hard. He saw Mika… with all of his beauty and confidence… and it was hard not to feel lacking in himself.

But still…

Yuu closed his eyes and relaxed everything in his body, telling himself one thing he knew above anything in this world. He would do anything for Mika, so he could easily do this.

Yuu opened his eyes looking into Mika's absorbing the soft, warm love he saw there and smiling back at him with all the love he had in him.

He reached up and touched Mika's cheek, and then his hair, memorizing him with his hands.

"You're my home, Mika." Yuu whispered. "You always will be."

Mika parted his lips, and the way his breath quivered made Yuu think of tears but none came.

"And you will always be mine."

Yuu's heart contracted at that.

How things had changed…

Yuu's mind trailed backwards, seeing flashes of the home he'd known before the vampires. Even as he thought of it though, it didn't quite seem right anymore, because Mika wasn't there.

Yuu knew that he resented what had happened to him. He resented the vampires, he resented losing his family from the orphanage who he loved so much. He even resented becoming the thing he had hated most in the entire world.

But somehow none of that hatred ever tainted Mika for him.

He wouldn't go so far as to say that everything he'd been through was worth it for Mika, or that that he no longer minded it because of him. He did mind, and nothing was worth that sort of pain, but Mika was the one thing he still had faith in.

Mika was a vampire, but he was still good.

Mika had loved his family, even when he thought it was wrong, and he had tried to protect them even if he could never set them free.

Mika had changed him, changed him because he loved him, and whatever pain or hatred Yuu felt for being a vampire, over the year's he had decided he would rather live. Live as a vampire. With with Mika. He was glad to have been saved for that. Even with the costs.

Mika was something pure to him. I single burning light in the dark, but one that made him believe the light still existed.

Yuu didn't like to think about the past anymore. He didn't like to think about the future either, because if he did he would have to question how long he planned on forgiving the vampires, how long he planned to do nothing. But he could find happiness in the present. He could find it in Mika, and he could believe that one way or another, whatever he decided, he would always have Mika.

Yuu lifted his chin up, and he thought even Mika felt surprised but the fierce pressure of the kiss. A kiss full of Yuu's love and certainty. Full of his faith.

Their lips parted breathlessly and Yuu lightly bumped their noses together.

Mika smiled. "Are you ready to sleep?"

"Nearly," Yuu pulled Mika down with him to settle into the bed, pulling Mika's arms around him to hold him from behind and pushing himself back to lay flush against him.

He sighed in relief and the feeling of Mika's body.

"Mika?"

"Hmm?" Mika kissed his hair, "What is it?"

"Do you ever wish you weren't a vampire?"

The room settled into an uneasy quiet.

"I have wished that before." Mika admitted, "But I changed my mind."

Yuu grips Mika's arms tighter. "Why?"

"Because my being a vampire is the only reason I have you." Mika whispered. "As a human I would have died a long time ago, and you would have died without my blood." Mika breaths out.

"I know it's not what you want to hear. Especially since you never wanted me to save you, but it's the truth. And I would apologize for it but I would be lying. I'm not sorry you lived, and I'm not sorry I know you. I am too terribly selfish for that."

Yuu closes his eyes.

"It's okay, Mika." he says gently. "I not that sorry either."

Mika hugs him tighter. "I AM sorry that I hurt you."

"You didn't." Yuu replies.

"Sometimes I wonder why you don't hate me," Mika admits quietly. "After everything."

Yuu presses himself closer into Mika. "You don't need to worry about that, Mika You're my family. All of it, now. I could never hate you."

Mika presses his face against the back of Yuu's neck, and Yuu recognizes the silence. He strokes Mika's arms soothingly and closes his eyes.

It was then Yuu really understood what closeness meant. Because he had never felt so little between him and Mika before, like their hearts were beating together, and Yuu smiled.

This wasn't what he had expected, but it was so much better. When Mika silently moved to turned out the light, Yuu rolled over and curled into his chest, and he didn't think the world had been so still ever before.