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Chapter Six

'Still Flying'

She wonders, briefly, if he can be convinced to forget. To pass off her pained half admission as crazy muttering from a girl that was quite real yet. The notion is discarded as quickly as it appeared. He'd staked everything on the theory that she was a person, whole and true. He wouldn't see her that way now.

Simon would certainly not approve, that much she can sense. He'd think it was just because her options were limited. Between Jayne and Mal, of course she'd pick mal. But while that was true in a sense, it isn't what draws her to him, like a moth caught in the gaze of the flame.

It is the promise of peace in his bones. The darkest knowledge of death that they both shared, the certainty that the universe was completely mad and only pretended to be sane. But scratch the surface and it was easy to see, a melting pot of life. Mal is indescribably real in a realm that defied reality. He sees her, and he was the second to actually hear her.

But now all of that hangs in the balance, uncomfortable and tremulous. Held aloft on gossamer strings, fragile and stretched nearly to breaking. She has changed the dynamic between them, without really meaning to. Now she stands to lose one of the few allies she has managed to garner.

Worse still…

What if the resulting dynamic shift disrupted the rest of the crew? They were still the newest additions, if Simon had to leave again because of her…she would never forgive herself.

The room they gave her, named it her own, feels far smaller than it is. She itches, filled with a twisting turning energy that bounces around in her cells. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, possessed of a need to move and yet the idea of moving is intolerable. She has to remember that he isn't hers. She isn't like Inara, graceful dances and flirtatious touches. She isn't stitched together and she's got an awful lot of blood on her hands. Inara can bring peace, a sense of warmth and safety. But all she can bring is a dire warning, terrible memories and a sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs.

Briefly she entertains the idea of avoiding him. Of slipping through the ship in their day to day and just by coincidence not being in the same spot he is. But that too is a foolish thought. She is a pilot, they gather more often now and it would be strange for her not to attend. Not after all the effort they've gone to, making sure she's got a place at their hearth.

The blankets, scratchy wool and dark grey tangle around her legs. Binding her up in a mockery of imprisonment. She wants to run, yet conversely she wants to hide away. This kind of intensity was new for her, the emotions were actually hers, twisted gut and strangling fingers clutching at her throat.

This time she feels him coming. Feels the warmth of his life, his aura like a buffer painting the air before him. She doesn't, however, read his mind. Desperately she drowns out that part as best she can. Pain isn't pleasant after all, and the pain of his rejection might just break her apart.

There aren't any escape points, not that she really considered them anyway. There was no point in running any longer. Serenity, for all the immensity held within it, was actually quite a small ship. He comes to a stop in front of her door, and she can feel her heart fluttering in her chest like the wings of a hummingbird. Her fingers twist in the dark grey of the blanket, seeking some form of stability. Part of being human, she'd learned, of being real and not the ghost of a girl who was, was handling the painful things.

He knocks, the sound short and sharp in her room. For a moment she hesitates to answer, pretending briefly that she isn't there, that she isn't real enough to be caught here.

But he knocks again, and she knows that its time.

"Yes captain?" her voice is soft, tired and drawn out. At the very least the tears have dried on her cheeks and she knows that she must look terrible. But she couldn't find it within herself to care. She felt impossibly small and fragile, tucked up against her wall.

He opens the door and her heart aches at the sight of his face. It was his captain face, the face he used when he didn't want others to know what he was thinking. It was the face he used to lay down the rules on Kaylee and the others.

"Can't sort this out if you keep running."

She can't keep eye contact with him, and instead drops her gaze to her knees. "Stopped running. Otherwise you wouldn't have found me." her voice is slightly petulant, and it makes him laugh.

"True enough I suppose. Can I come in?"

She likes that he asks, that he feels like he should ask. It's an acknowledgement that the space is hers, and like her mind she has the right to refuse entry. She nods, and he steps across the threshold and pulls the door shut. This time he glanced at the bed, but this time he didn't have to ask it. She simply nodded, letting him sit down across from her.

He takes up more room here than he should. His physicality isn't that large, but his life, his aura fills up the quiet spaces in the tiny room and made him seem so much bigger than he was.

"River….I…" he is hesitant to begin and she thinks to spare him the pain of having to reject her.

"It's okay. Don't have to explain. I'm not her." she cannot bear to look at him, instead laying her cheek upon her knees and staring at the wall. "She's got all the parts of her in the right spaces, she knows how to be normal. How to be peaceful."

The words hurt to say. Feel like they catch and carve at her throat, bleeding her from the inside out. She desperately blocks him out, not needing to feel his agreement of the matter. Her fingers tighten in the blanket, knuckles turning white.

"I don't know how to be that way. My hands aren't sweet. Blood doesn't sing at their touch. They're just hands."

Seconds tick by, and she wants to look at him but she refuses. The look on his face will break her heart and she can put that off if she doesn't look. He sighs softly, and she can't help but flinch away from that sound. Hunkers down and braces herself, "River."

The gentleness in his voice soothes her a little. But she still doesn't look up. He shifts a bit, no doubt thinking of what to say.

"You think an awful lot. Guess that comes with being a genius." His tone is still that maddeningly gentle. The absurdity of his comment makes her chuckle, even if the sound is awful and strained.

"You're right, in that you aren't like Inara."

She flinches again, part of her desperately wants to get this over with. to glance inside his mind, get the pain over and done so she doesn't have to keep feeling this way.

"But that isn't a bad thing." She freezes, breath caught in arctic lungs. She glances up and the look on his face isn't one she knows how to describe. It's warm and soft. For a moment it reminds her of the look he wore when speaking to Inara. He smiled at her, and it made her stomach flip, "Finally. Thought you'd stare at the wall forever."

She gives him a look, and he half shrugs out of the joke. But the amusement faded, "You reading me?"

A flash of denial, she shakes her head, too terrified to breathe out. It makes him chuckle again, "Thought so. You should."

Hope and terrible fear constricted her chest, made her heart feel like it was beating too fast and her stomach feel like she was going through zero grav. Slowly, tentatively, she lets her mind reach out. What she finds in his mind shocks her.

Its…its warm. Light and life, warmth and affection. All of it…all of it was for her. Inara wasn't in his thoughts but she was!

He was staring at her, letting her read his mind, opening it up and letting her see. Her hand covers her mouth as tears start anew. He looks vaguely distressed, "I didn't think you'd cry."

"but…but you're supposed…you've always." She cannot get the words out, choked up and terrified that this might be just his way of showing that while he does care, it isn't the way she wants it to be.

He smiles, "Inara and I. We're not more."

"You wanted to be." Her voice is accusatory and she really doesn't mean it to be. Fortunately, he understands. Understands and there's a rush of warm amusement as he considers her jealousy in a new light.

"Once. But not now." his face is soft, and he reaches out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear. The gesture is new, shiny and feels so different from when Simon did it to soothe her.

"I'm not saying I have it all worked out little one. But I do know I care for you."

His gaze is powerful, magnetic and compelling she stares into his eyes and feels the solidity of his mind behind it. It's more comforting than she could have ever imagined it to be. It makes her smile, relief and joy bubbling up from her insides as she blurts out, "me too." He leans forward, pressing his forehead to hers gently.

"I know. But it's nice to hear." His voice is lower now, softer and warm. It's not the captainy voice, its new and she feels like its hers alone.

"Even though I'm not stitched in the right order?" her voice is soft, tremulous and concerned. She doesn't want to ask, but it's unbelievable.

"You're a person River. Unique and whole. A person I'm liking."

More tears spill over her cheeks and she hugs him in a sudden movement. He lets her tucking her against his body with an ease that belied the seriousness of it. She basks in the warmth of his mind, in the knowledge that he didn't hate her, that she hadn't ruined everything.

She likes the way that the jealousy and doubt vanishes, the way it releases her chest and all she can feel is a warm bubbly relief.

It won't be perfect. They'd still have to figure this out. She doesn't know the first thing about relationships, not first hand. They'll make mistakes and they're both hard headed enough to hurt the other.

But at the very least, they have a chance. A flicker of possibility where only heartache had existed before.

And as they both knew, chances were very good places to start.

Authors note: I am so sorry about the delay! Uni is really difficult at the moment and i had two assignments due over the last week. Both of which were annoying :/

Anyways, I hope you've enjoyed this story. I may follow up on it in the future, but for now, this is where the story ends.

Please take a moment to let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate it :D

Ta ta for now,

Madamred