Written in Scars

He could still feel his cheek burning from where she slapped him. His hand grazed over it to ease the pain. She really hit him, in front of all these people. He was standing in the middle of the casino like an idiot, watching as her petite form disappeared in a golden dress with golden heels into the cold November night. They were undercover to catch false cops and he knew he needed to move, but his legs wouldn't.

"Jay, where are you? Get into the car and follow your partner!" He heard Voight over the coms.

"Yes Sir." He answered as his mind finally landed back in reality. He ran out of the doors and saw Ruzek waiting for him. He jumped into the passenger seat of the black SUV. He watched the lights of the city pass by. He had a hard time keeping his thoughts from wandering towards prior events. He knew that things went south somewhere and that the fight he had with his girl wasn't only for show. Jay couldn't figure out what he'd said that had upset Erin so greatly.

"You can call her now." Ruzek said. Jay's head snapped over to look at Ruzek who eyed him suspiciously.

" What do you mean?" Jay asked.

"Everything ok with you?" He asked him concerned. "The plan, call Lindsay to see if she's not answering so we can make an arrest!" Ruzek added.

"Oh yeah, of course I call her." He took his phone out of his pocket and called his partner. He caught Ruzek watching him a few times.

" We can make the arrest, speed up Ruzek, they are probably already robbing her!" Jay half shouted as he hung up the phone after he heard her voice on voicemail. When they arrived at the scene Erin was handing over the money she'd won. Her face was pale and hollow looking in the shadows of the night.

Erin stood on the side alone, watching her colleges make the arrest. Goosebumps erupted on her skin, the wind was coming up and she cursed herself for not bringing a coat. Her dress barely covered her body and her heels were uncomfortable. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and tried to stop her body from shaking but it didn't help. She was about to walk over to her car now that the perp was sitting in the back of the squad car. She actually was looking forward to the drive back to the precinct. She longed for a few moments to clear her head of all the loud confusing thoughts. She was startled when she felt a coat land over her shoulders. She flinched at the contact and her head snapped up to peer over her shoulder. Jay was standing there smiling at her. His coat heavy on her shoulders, she remembered their fight and stepped forward as to not get distracted by his hot muscular body as they touched. Erin shrugged the coat off as she turned around to face him. She nodded slightly without a word before she strode forward. She was so mad at Jay she couldn't even open her mouth to talk to him, afraid of what might come out of it. She wouldn't be able to take it back once spoken so she swallowed it down.

For the second time this evening Jay was standing there in the middle of the street watching his girl walk away. His coat still in his hands; his eyes traveling from her to the coat and then back to her again. He blinked a few times but as he looked again he still had the coat in his hand and his girl had driven away. Suddenly he felt cold. He put his coat back on and walked towards Ruzek who was already waiting in the car.

"Are you sure you're ok? Is something going on with Erin?" Ruzek asked with a smile.

Jay gave him a look that said shut up or I'll punch you. Ruzek hold up his hands in surrender and started the car. Jay knew that the team heard their fight over the coms but he doubted that they noticed that it wasn't all an act. So he decided not to give it much more thought. He tried to find out what he'd said that would vacillate her not speaking to him, but he couldn't quite figure it out.

It was already getting late and Erin was glad when she opened the door to her locker to grab her coat. The soft fabric of the coat calmed her nerves a little. Erin hadn't noticed how on edge she'd been since her best friend had been murdered. She was sad but her body craved something to forget all the bad stuff that was happening around her. All the victims she saw day in day out, it was just too much. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she zipped her coat and made her way out of the precinct past all her colleagues. She didn't feel her shoulder bump into someone, so focused she was on fleeing from the pain. She stopped at the liquor store and bought some booze. She made her way back to her car and shoved the liquor on the back seat.

Erin parked her car on the street in front of her apartment building. She was so busy thinking that she didn't notice the black car that was parked on the other side. Erin lifted the bag out from the backseat and closed the door. She made her way up the stairs and came to an abrupt halt when she saw Jay leaning against the side wall to her front door. His eyes fixated her without blinking once. His gaze wandered from the booze in her hand back to her face. He hadn't said a word he just stood there with his back leaning lightly on the wall. He looked so beautiful in his open leather jacket. She could make out the line of his muscles under his shirt and for just a few seconds she could forget Nadja.

"I can leave again." Jay said suddenly.

"Yes You could." Erin answered in her husky voice as she stepped aside and pointed at the stairs. In a swift motion Jay pushed his back off the wall and made his way towards his girlfriend. She shifted her small body more into the wall her eyes never leaving his gaze. He was almost past her when she let the bag fall to the floor and stepped into the middle of the corridor blocking his way. She jumped at him, her legs wound around his waist. Erin kissed him, hard, she bit his lower lip as he opened his mouth, his tongue quickly finding hers. Her back slammed into the wall and Erin could feel the anger building in her stomach again. She pushed him back forcing him to let her go. She couldn't do this to him, use him to forget allawful things that made her feel guilty and sad. It just wasn't fair.

So she pushed him against his torso again. He took a step back out of her way. Erin walked past him, taking out her keys to unlock the door. She stilled when she felt herself being pressed to towards the small silver handle.

Jay's body was heavy on hers, he moved her around so she was facing him. His hand grabbed her neck making her look at him. His body held her in place. She was caged. His heated gaze roamed over her pale face. He tightened his grip and moved his head down. His lips were inches from hers. He waited but she made no attempt to give him permission,so he kissed her anyway. Her mouth opened up to him, he could feel her body reacting to him like a moth drawn to the flame. She melted into his body. The kiss became more heated. Jay's hand moved with pressure down her neck over her right breast and back up. He pulled on her lower lip, his tongue striding over her mouth. Erin moaned into Jay's mouth as she lost herself in him once more. She wanted to take him inside and let him have his way with her but as she felt him release his grip she remembered why she'd pushed him away.

"I can't Jay. Let go of me." She half shouted at him. Her fists pushing him back.

"What is wrong Erin? Please let me help you." He said concerned.

"You can't. I have to deal with this alone." She answered. She looked at the floor where her golden heels met the wooden floor, afraid to look into his soft eyes, afraid to get weak again.

"Alone? " His voice got louder by every word "You mean alcohol can solve your problems?" He stepped a few steps back to give them some space but his eyes watched her carefully. She was struggling, her heart wanted to hold him and never let go but her mind told her not to, she would only hurt him and that was not fair. He was a good man and deserved better than her. She was a mess and she knew it.

She turned around and opened the front door to her flat. Without a word she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

"Erin?" He held his breath. There was a pause. "Erin, open the door." Jay almost pleaded. "I didn't mean it the way it may sounded." He leaned against the door with his forehead. His voice softened as he said "Erin open up, I know you're sitting with your back against the door. I know you. Please let me in ... let someone in." He whispered.

She couldn't listen to him. She just couldn't. It would get her to open the door. She stood up, her legs carrying her to the darkened bedroom. Without making an effort to shed any of her clothes she laid down.

Erin watched the ceiling above her. She was angry at Jay and at herself. She didn't know why their act had turned out into a real fight. No that was a lie she knew what had her so upset. She just couldn't understand why it made her react like a jerk. Tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto her pillow. She wiped them away with the back of her hand and tried to get the picture of Nadja's dead body out of her head. The look on Jay's face after she slapped him haunted her mind once more as the guilt began to overwhelm her. She didn't mean to slap him but somehow she couldn't stop her hand from moving. And then it was too late, the only thing she could do after was walk away. They were undercover and apologizing would have jeopardized their cover. The smell of his aftershave lingered on her skin. She wasn't ready to let it go just yet, having just lost him minutes earlier.

How had she let it come so far? She asked herself over and over again. What was happening to her? What had her mind played pictures from her friend's dead body over and over again in her head? Why could she only forget them if she drank? Or when Jay was with her? Jay... No she wouldn't let her mind go there, the moment she closed that door she knew she had not only hurt herself, no she had hurt Jay as well.

Suddenly she couldn't breathe. She rolled out of her bed, and went down the hall to the front door. Once the door was open she stood in front of an empty hallway. Her booze was gone. Nadja's face appeared again, this time she was hugging Erin on her first day at the precinct. She needed that bottle. Her legs took her back inside. Erin grabbed a coat and her car keys before making her way down the four flours of the building.

Jay sat on his couch. The TV was on and a woman was talking about the weather. He hadn't given it much attention. His mind was focused on how out of hand thing had gotten today. He couldn't recall how it exactly happened. His fingers brushed over his cheek. The way she stood there and shouted at him wasn't like her. He knew that she still was mourning about what had happened and he knew that she blamed herself for not being able to find Nadja sooner. But he hadn't known that it was that bad, and he sure as hell didn't mean to make it worse by telling her she was an addict. He was just so angry at her for leaving him again. But as soon as the words he said to her sank in he felt sorry. He just wanted to hug her and tell her that everything would be fine but he knew he had screwed up.

He had waited another ten minutes in the hallway before leaving to make sure she was ok or maybe, if he was honest with himself he hoped that she would change her mind and come back running to him, forgiving him for what he said. But she didn't. He thought they had something, a connection. He had proven to her many times that she could lean on him. Tell her secrets to him. He was loyal to the ones he loved. Yes that's right; he loved her with every fiber of his body. Jay was in love with Erin Lindsay. Why had he never told her that? He hit himself on the forehead for his own stupidity. He stood up from the couch and headed for the bathroom. The shirt landed on the floor along with his Jeans and boxers.

Hot water ran down his body. He head leaned against the cold wall of the shower, the water run down over his hair and face. He closed his eyes. Everything was forgotten, washed away by the water. His mind was empty, even if it just was for a few minutes. He took that time for himself. The mirrors were cloudy from the steam that built up in the small room.

After the shower he laid down on his big and always empty bed. The sheets were torn from the night before. He laid on his side with his back to the wall. As he was lying there all alone in the darkness, waiting for sleep to claim him.

Erin walked up to the door but once she got there she changed her mind and turned around again. She was about to leave for good when she put all her courage in one pot and knocked on the door. Erin waited a few seconds and then knocked again. He probably was already asleep. She was about to turn around when she bumped into someone. A very solid someone.

"Erin?" A voice she recognized asked. She looked up and saw Will standing in front of her. He apparently had the night shift. Great. Erin thought.

"Hi, Will, I'm looking for a victim who was assigned in yesterday evening." She deliberately lied.

Will looked at her with consideration and then simply said, " Ok, but if you are looking for Dr. Charles, he's probably asleep." Erin's face told him that he was right. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone" He winked at her and left. She looked at the door once more but then decided against knocking again. She turned on her heel and ran out of the hospital.

She was so sure the Doctor would be awake, they always were, they had to be right? When had her luck started to run out? She got back into her car again. The sun was rising; she hadn't noticed that the night was already over. Given the early hour it was still busy in front of the hospital; she turned her head and watched herself in the small mirror in her car. Her skin was pale, her hair a mess and her under eyes were dark. She had no idea what Jay saw in her, and now that she paid attention to herself she noticed that her clothes stunk. She needed a shower.

Erin was about to start her car and head back home when the passenger door opened. She pulled out her gun and pointed it at the intruder. "Dr. Charles, you scared the shit out of me. Never sneak up on an officer of the law." Erin said as she put away her gun.

"Never sneak up on you again, duly noted." He said and pointed with his hand to the empty passenger seat. "May I ?" He asked. She nodded and sat back into her seat to get as comfortable as possible.

"Did Will put you up to this?" She glanced over at him.

"He may noticed that you were looking for me." Dr. Charles said honestly.

"I don't know if I feel like talking right now." Erin's eyes watched as a bird flew by but her mind was thinking about how to put the words into a sentence.

"You don't have to. You did the first step by coming to see me." He took his glasses off his nose and let them fall down on his chest.

It was quite for a few minutes. "My friend got murdered." She let out a long breath after admitting that. Her eyes closed and a tear rolled down her cheek. Dr. Charles nodded but didn't say anything. He gazed outside the front window. Erin was relieved that he didn't push her to say more. He opened the door but before he got out of the car he said. "Next week same place but in the evening ok!?"

Erin smiled and agreed. She watched the doctor walk back to the hospital and started the car. Somehow she felt lighter, as if a little weight was lifted off her soul.

She drove back to her place to get a shower and a change of clothes.

Erin stepped out of the shower. She wrapped a bath towel around her skinny body when she heard her phone ring. Jay's picture appeared on the screen, her finger pushed the ignore button so fast her brain couldn't even catch up with her action. After that she felt even more guilty. She pulled her hair up into a messy bun and went to her closet. There weren't any clean clothes left. "Really?" She shouted more to God than to herself and looked for anything on the floor she could wear to go to the laundry room in the basement. After a few minutes she stood in her living room in a pair of red heels and a pair of blue shorts from her gym bag and a pink tank top. She sighed and took about four bags full of dirty clothes downstairs. After two sets of stairs she decided against the heels afraid she was going to break her neck. She stuffed them into one of the bags and was on her way again. She couldn't exactly see where she was going so it was no wonder when she bumped into one of her neighbors. She didn't get to apologize though because the person must have been in a hurry. Like her. She needed to get her laundry done. Also she needed to call Hank to tell him that she would be very late for work. Her head was spinning. There was so much on her mind that she hadn't even done her laundry. And now as she thought about it she noticed that she hadn't done any housework in a while now.

She went from work to sleep at Jay's or hers and back to work again. When she finally arrived in the basement she switched on the lights and put the bags in front of the washing machine and the dryer. While she started to sort out her laundry her feet got cold on the floor so she put on the heels again. "Stupid cold floor." She muttered to herself.

After her short talk with Dr. Charles, Erin felt a little bit better; maybe this was a chance for her. Maybe she should consider opening up to him. She hadn't known how she got to the hospital when she actually just wanted to buy new booze. She was sure that Jay took the bag when he had left her. First she was angry at him but that changed after her talk. She thought while she still was busy with her laundry. As she finished sorting out her clothes she started the first machine. A song brought her back to reality. Wait that is my phone? Erin thought and started searching for it in the pile of clothes on the basement floor. Hanks name was written on the screen. Before answering the call she straightened her back and made sure her voice didn't sound too thin.

"Hank, what's up?" she answered the call.

"Where the hell are you?" Hank's angry rough voice rang through the receiver.

"I was just about to call you, I had an appointment today morning, woman stuff. I'm coming in after lunch." She closed her eyes and bit on her lower lip hoping he wouldn't see through her lie.

"I sent Jay to your apartment to see if everything was fine. But he said you weren't there. Is everything ok?" He asked a bit friendlier.

"Yes, I'll see you in a bit." She quickly said and hung up the phone. She leaned down, her hands holding on to the dryer and the breath she was holding left her lungs.

"Now we're lying to the boss huh?" Erin jumped up and shrieked at the same time. But two seconds later the intruder was lying under her on the ground.

"What the hell Jay!" Erin shouted. Jay didn't move. A few seconds, or maybe minutes later he raised a brow and asked her:" As much as I like you're straddling me, would you mind getting up the floor is kind of cold." Without a word she got off of him and stepped back to put some distance between them, she could feel the blush on her cheeks and tried to hide it by looking to the screen on the washer.

"Your look is very interesting." She heard him say what made her look down on herself. "Oh my god, this is so embarrassing." She tied to cover her body with her arms and hands, Jay laughed at that and she threw an angry look his way that made him stop instantly. "I like it." He added and took a step forward in her direction.

Erin automatically stepped a step back. She didn't trust herself around him. She knew she'd give in and this time as he stood there all tall and sexy in his Jeans and black shirt that showed off the lines of his abs and torso. "What are you doing here Jay? Spying on me? Don't you have something better to do?" Her voice sounded softer than she would have liked. She wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible because she wasn't going to argue with him again about the same subject over and over again. She was tired of fighting the man she was so in love with she couldn't be with him because of her problems.

"You know exactly Voight sent me." She could tell that he was getting angry at her, his voice gave him away.

"How long were you standing there?" The words just came out of her mouth and this time she managed to make it sound serious.

"Long enough." Jay pierced her with his eyes. He tried to figure her out, tried to figure out her next move. He was so angry that she hadn't talked to him and now was once again was pushing him away.

"Will called. He said you went to see Dr. Charles." He almost whispered.

"What?" Erin shouted. "That son of a bitch!" She muttered to in a breath. "I'm going to kill him!" Her eyes gazed into his. Jay didn't blink.

"I'm glad you went." His voice rang through the heavy silence around them. He knew she felt betrayed by his brother and he needed her to know that it was a good thing that she tried to get help, even if it wasn't from him. Erin just nodded and he saw a weight fall of her shoulders.

"Just please, keep it to yourself. And tell Will to do the same otherwise I have to pay him a visit." She said dead serious.

"Hmm." He answered bemused.

He again took another step forward. She again another one back.

"Jay listen, I don't wanna hurt you again so please don't come any nearer." She uttered. Jay's eyes darkened

"You wouldn't stand a chance." He challenged and took another one. Erin took another step back but hit her lower back on something hard. Great, she thought as she felt the vibration of the washing machine on her skin. He saw a shadow hush over her features but it was over so fast he couldn't tell what it meant.

"Jay, please." She pleaded. "I can't be with you right now, I just started to talk today, I'm not ready for this. I want us to work and that can only happen when I get my shit together." Erin watched him come closer again. Soon she would be trapped between the stupid washer and his hot, tall all muscular body. And when this happened she knew she was screwed, and she knew he knew that too.

" How about we take baby steps then?" He suggested. He came closer with every word he said. His gaze pierced her to the spot she was standing; she was not able to move.

He had always known how to convince her. And this time he wouldn't give in so fast, he wouldn't let her push him away again. He was done standing on the outside when all he wanted was to be with her and help her get through her grief, because without her, he wouldn't be the man he was today. So he caged her again for the second time in twenty-four hours. But this time there was no escape for her. His heated stare was on her. Erin held her breath not sure if she should push and run or stay and wait. His look was so honest that she saw all the pieces move into their right place. He was right when he said he'd have her back. All he did for her proved that. She knew it, but somehow in her wrecked mind she thought that pushing people away would not only protect them it would also protect her. But what if she was wrong all along? What if she tried something new? She had done the first step by choosing Dr. Charles over buying alcohol, so why couldn't she just try what Jay suggested and put some trust into him?

She felt his hand around her chin which made her look up.

Their eyes met, their faces only inches apart. The air around them got thicker by the second. Neither of them moved. Erin could feel his breath on her face. A shiver ran down her spine. Her skin felt on fire.

"Ok, Baby steps." She whispered and then her soft lips kissed his.