warnings: torture, extremely minor character death, gore, mentions of food and eating, and parents. notes on chapter at ao3 version

I was going to go to the library in the morning - even if I was nervous, I didn't want to stay away from it for too long - but all low-ranks who could be spared are called to help with reconstruction. I'm directed to help with clearing out rubble. It's a boring, tedious job, but we get the job done faster and safer than civilians would.

The next day, I head to the area where my team usually meets. Yakushi is there, but not Tsurugi. I think about approaching Yakushi to ask for my training schedule, but it probably isn't the best time for that. Besides, someone could be watching, or listening, or something, and Shimura said that Root is an absolute secret. He waves at me, and after a moment I wave back.

I don't really know what to do while I'm waiting, but I get out a notebook and pencil anyway. I tap the end of it against my lips, gnawing on it for a moment in thought. I want to write down my thoughts, but I don't think this notebook is anywhere near secure enough. I doubt any codes I could make would stand up to any intense scrutiny.

No, I need to make a new language and a new writing system, so I can write securely. I'll have to make sure not to write anything too incriminating in this notebook, because people could find it too and then my new language would be useless. I start to sketch some ideas out - what sounds will there be in my new language? I read a book once that said that people have accents because their native language has different sounds. I move my tongue around, trying to figure out what kind of sounds people can say.

Yakushi approaches me. "Are you studying the larynx, Setsuna?"

I look up, closing my notebook. I haven't written anything yet, but it's the principle of the thing; my notebook is private. "Um, no," I answer after a moment.

Yakushi looks... disappointed, maybe? Does he want me to study medicine with him?

The silence uncomfortably stretches on, and before I can convince myself not to - pushing down the anxiety of what if Yakushi isn't a Root member, what if something goes wrong - I stick my tongue out briefly, only long enough that I'm sure he gets a good look at the seal on it (the design of which, I'm now realizing, I never even looked at; something I'm going to rectify as soon as I get home).

He startles, completely surprised. He opens his mouth to say something before closing it again. His mouth turns downward a little bit before he changes his expression into something more neutral. "When did that happen?"

I think on it, pushing my notebook back in my bag and standing up. "Two days ago, at the hospital."

"You were in the hospital?" he asks, sounding alarmed.

"Yeah, I was fine, though," I say, waving a hand in front of my face. "It was no big deal, I just had a concussion. They fixed it, though."

"Head injuries are always serious, Setsuna," he says, concerned. "You sure you're okay?"

I don't know how to deal with someone asking me if I'm okay; practically no one ever interacted with me back at the Academy, and if they did it was only when we were in groups or people were bullying me. It's weird, and I feel weird, and I don't know how to handle it.

"I'm fine," I say, hoping he'll drop it.

"Okay, okay," he says, pushing his glasses up after a moment. "So, uh, why did you show me that?"

"I was told to ask you about, um, the training schedule."

He ahhs in understanding. "Right, right. I've done this before. I'll take you there after we're done with our work today."

"Okay," I nod. We fall back into silence again, but it's not as weird as the first time. After a few more minutes, Teacher and Tsurugi finally show up.

Tsurugi is scowling, fists clenched. I can tell he would rather be anywhere else than here. Teacher is ignoring this, though I'm wondering why the two were late. Did he have to talk to Tsurugi? He did say back in the hospital that Tsurugi lost his dad.

"Hey, Setsuna, Kabuto. We're going to go to the Missions Office today. They'll be able to tell us where we'll all be going. Unfortunately, it'll probably be reduced-pay; the village needs all the money it has to rebuild and not appear weak to the other Hidden Villages," he explains. That makes sense. "Let's go."

We end up doing more reconstruction work. After we're done, I immediately leave and start heading back to my house. I'm pretty hungry.

I'm about a quarter of the way there when I remember I need to talk to Yakushi. I can't believe I almost forgot. I move to go back, but I nearly bump into Yakushi as I turn around. Oh, he followed me, then.

I move a hand to the back of my neck, a flush creeping up my face. "Sorry," I say. "I, uh, forgot for a moment."

Yakushi laughs, waving it off. "It's fine, it's fine. Let's go, then."

He starts moving forward, and I follow him. We end up heading to the forests within the Leaf Village (not any clan-owned areas, though), and then walking through a crunchy, barely-there trail. Yakushi stops and flips through a few hand seals. On the ground, a maintenance hole appears, and I realize Yakushi just dispelled the illusion technique I hadn't even noticed before now, even though the ambient chakra that had laid over the area had been in my brain. I need to work on that. If an enemy gets the drop on me because I can't dispel an illusion technique, I'll probably die.

We head down and pass through small but surprisingly okay-smelling tunnels before Yakushi turns into a small chamber. There's some scuffling sounds ahead, an ambient echo. When we enter the room, two people wearing off-white masks look up. They're both in black cloaks and wearing what are almost like Cover Ops masks, but different. One has a cat mask and long dark hair, and the other has short brown hair and a bird mask with a noticeable beak.

"Agent Aoi?" the one with the bird mask asks.

I nod.

The next one speaks up and addresses Yakushi. "Agent Yakushi. Dismissed." Yakushi nods and leaves. Bird-mask motions for me to come forward. I do so, and he places his hand on my shoulder.

I'm suddenly in a room (did they use the Body Flicker technique?), and a bound captive is in front of me. He's out of it, head lolling back. His features are plain, and he has dark brown hair in a short but choppy cut.

There's footsteps from behind me, and I swivel back to look, coming face-to-face with the agent with the bird mask. "Agent Aoi, the information on you stated that you have yet to take a human life. We cannot risk an operative freezing and failing during missions, so the first thing on our agenda is thus: you will kill this man, or I will break your fingers one by one."

I don't understand. This is too sudden. Why does this man have to die?

And then he's in front of me, hand clutching my finger and then bringing it back with a snap.

I choke, crying out in pain. It's a sudden, horrible ache, like a wave undulating, receding and moving forward in pain levels.

He steps back and gives me a moment. I hunch over, gasping. "Kill him," he says. Should I? But I'll get hurt more if I don't. But what has this man done to deserve death? Does he really have to die? Why do I have to kill him?

"What- what did he do?" I ask.

In response, he grabs my hand again, gripping it tightly, and I whimper a little, both at how the hold shifts my broken finger a little - it hurts - and at the expected pain of another finger. "When a superior officer orders you to do something, you do it," he says, and follows through on his threat, bending my left middle finger back until it breaks. The pain is just as sharp as the first time, and I cry out, tears leaving my eyes.

I don't want to kill him, but I don't want a finger broken again. I swallow, clenching my teeth, tears rolling down my cheeks, and face the bound man. I remember the easiest ways to kill someone that we were taught - cut an artery, drive something sharp deep through the eye, snap the neck - and decide that I'll snap his neck. A civilian couldn't do this easily, but as a ninja, using chakra makes feats like that simple. Hopefully, this man won't even feel anything.

I step forward, pressing the pain down, and put three fingers of my left hand on the man's neck, taking care to not jostle my broken fingers any more than I had to. I place my right hand on his neck and I grab down and I jerk his head to the side until I hear a pop.

And then everything dissolves, blurring back to the original room, and I realize that I was in an illusion. He was fake. I look at my hand; the pain is gone, and the two broken fingers are actually fine. Why didn't I notice I was in an illusion? Shouldn't I have felt the intrusion of chakra in my brain? Did I just overlook it?

The one in the bird mask turns to me, and I kind of slouch back, not trusting him - even if it wasn't real, he still broke my fingers. How does this make me stronger, or help the village? Should I ask them?

"Unacceptable, Aoi. When a superior orders you to do something, you do it. And your inability to recognize illusion techniques is a problem as well. Today, we'll be working on your desensitization program, and how to recognize when you're in an illusion."

I stay silent for a moment. They want me to kill on command, then? Like the desensitization thing we did in the Academy - but with small animals, like rabbits or fish. But what if they order me to kill a family member? I don't want to think about it. It's horrible. A horrible idea. I latch onto the last part of their sentence in an attempt to stop the thoughts from spiraling around and around in a loop-

"Why didn't I feel your chakra in my brain?" I asked.

The bird-masked agent tilts his head toward the cat-masked agent. "Hinoto," he begins.

I half-expected them to address each other as "Cat" and "Bird".

"Yes, Kanoe. I understand," Hinoto says. She turns to me. "You feel chakra?"

I consider it. "Only my own. And the seal Mister Danzou put on my tongue that loops into my brain."

And suddenly, it's like my right hand is on fire. I look down, and it is.

I shriek and try to put it out, falling to the ground and trying to roll it out. It doesn't work, and the fire spreads all over my skin, burning and hurting-

And then it's gone. Vanished as quickly as it appeared, and I'm standing again.

"Even when he isn't here, address Lord Danzou as "Lord Danzou", Aoi," Hinoto warns. I shake off the disorientation and look at my hand. No burns.

"...Okay," I say. That seems really unnecessary, but I'm not about to disagree and have to go through that sort of pain again. "The seal Lord Danzou put on my tongue."

"Most illusion techniques that affect the senses - and thus, the brain - have a part that tells the brain to ignore the new chakra. You can make an illusion that looks and feels real, but if you don't include that compulsion to ignore the influx of new chakra, even a civilian could realize that something is wrong," Kanoe says.

Oh. I guess that makes sense.

"Now… again," he says, and this time, I'm brought to a different room, with a different person for me to kill.

But now I can feel the difference. As I near the hallway, I feel foreign chakra begin to move through my pathways in my brain. I try to release it, fingers brought up in the correct seal, but I can't. The chakra is too slippery, and my reserves are too small to force it out of my brain.

He watches me struggle for a few more seconds before motioning to the figure lying down. "Kill them."

"This is just an illusion, though," I protest. "There's no need."

He creates another illusion, and I watch in confusion before it coils around me, changing my perception. My right hand starts dripping, skin flowing off, and I recoil in horror and pain, trying to release the illusion technique - but I can't- I don't know how to make one handed seals work- and even if I did I'm not powerful enough to release their illusion technique-

Once my arm's muscles start to slough off, falling to the ground in terrible, bloody pieces, he changes the illusion again. "Kill them."

I look at my hand. It's fine now. I feel cold and upset, almost numb, but this time I don't question my orders. I do as I'm told.

This happens again and again and again, and I learn the quickest way to invite a terrible, painful illusion is to not follow orders. Is this really how I'm supposed to get stronger?

But at the end, I manage to break one of the illusions, and I don't have to kill anyone (no matter if they're an illusion).

This is rough, and more difficult than what I'm used to, but I'll bear it if it means I'll get stronger, strong enough to protect myself.

I end up getting home around the same time a little later than I usually do, but I tell Mom that I was just at the library and lost track of time. Maybe I shouldn't be lying so much, but I don't feel too guilty. Besides, I don't want to try to explain what I did today. Mom would probably try to say I have to stop being a ninja.

I spend most of the evening playing with Plum - I make an illusionary mouse and have it scurry around, making sure to practice the "ignore this alien chakra" compulsion Bird and Carp mentioned. It's a little funny to see Plum pounce and then realize there's nothing there. I try to pet her, too. She's a little skittish, but I remember what the Inuzuka clinic cat pamphlet told me about cats: that I shouldn't look at them directly and that I should blink at my cat.

She blinks back at me. My heart feels gooey. I love her so much.

I work on my new language a little more. I start making new phrases: "I am Setsuna" becomes "Sti Setsunats ev", and "My name is Setsuna" becomes "Sti Setsunats uev ryos." Once I get started on sentences it's easier to make my new language, since I have a goal. I make up nouns and verbs; I cut some sounds that aren't in my native language and add a new one; I decide that sentences won't have a topic marker, but make words change to show that they're the object of a sentence. It's all really complicated and at the end of making a few sentences my head is swimming from thinking through all this complex new information. After about twenty minutes I take a break.

Falling asleep is difficult that night. I end up wandering around the house, sneaking through the rooms to see if there's anything that can distract me from what happened today. I really don't want to think about it. I'd like to pretend it didn't happen.

It's about ten minutes later that I'm searching in an old closet when I find some old photos. They're old family photos, but some of them have people I don't know; I suppose that's not that surprising, considering how large my dad's family is, but I keep seeing Mom and Aunt Yumi together with another blue-haired kid in the photos. A cousin?

I flip through the photos some more. There's a picture of Mom and Aunt Yumi and the blue-haired boy in their teens sitting around a cramped table, playing some a game; the back of the photo has "Teruko, Yumi, and Ken playing Go! Yumi won. ^_^" written on it.

Who's Ken?

I yawn and decide to ask Mom in the morning. It's getting a little late, and I think I can fall asleep now.

During breakfast, I ask Mom about the photos.

"Where'd you find those?" she asks, and Dad slowly reads over the newspaper, not paying attention to us. Yasumaru has already left for school.

"I was looking around last night. Who's Ken?"

Mom looks to the side, grimacing. "He's your uncle. A former Mist ninja."

What? "He… deserted?" I ask. Deserter ninja are pretty much scum - worse than even enemy Village ninja. Everyone knows that. No wonder Mom doesn't talk about him.

"There was… a disagreement. With the Water Shadow and our family, and he left when I was 14. It was getting a little, uh, messed up in the Hidden Mist Village, so we left too. I haven't had any contact with him in years," she muses.

Huh. "Okay. Thanks, Mom," I say, finishing up my breakfast. "I better get going."

I put on one of my old hoodies - though this one doesn't have a hood anymore, since I cut it off to make sure no one could pull on it like that ninja had during the Nine-tailed Beast's Attack - and head out to probably clear more rubble or fix buildings.

It's a pretty boring day. I don't have to do Root training today, either, which is nice. I kind of want to talk to Yakushi more - ask him why he joined Root, why he's in medical training - but the words won't leave my mouth. In the end, I just go to the library after regular training and pick up where I left off with that sealing scroll.

It's really interesting stuff, but I don't really understand how it all works. I try to figure out some kind of pattern between the different sealing techniques I've seen around, drawing them down in my notebook (not Danzou's tongue seal, because what if somebody sees), but they're all pretty obtuse. Every style is different, though most are focused on an "Uzumaki" style, which fittingly uses spirals for almost everything.

Danzou's tongue seal isn't a spiral design at all - maybe a very stylized tree? It's absolutely confusing how there's no coherent system between sealing, so I end up putting the books back and looking up things about low-rank illusion techniques and tips.

Eventually, I head back home.