Author's note: If I were actually Hermione, I would not be posting here because magic makes electronic devices stop working. I also don't own Harry Potter, so nobody sue me. This story is intended to help fanfic writers get pregnancy right in their stories. I am not a doctor, nor does this story replace medical advice. If youre getting medical advice from the internet, at least go to WebMD. I'll be starting with the most common misconceptions (no pun intended) in fanfiction, and from there I'll take questions and requests. Let me know if I forget anything important or get anything wrong. Please note that some of the opinions expressed here belong to Hermione, not to me, but I appologize if she offends anyone. So without further ado, I present:

Hermione Granger-Weasley's Guide to Pregnancy As A Plot Device

It has come to my attention that someone is wrong on the internet. Well more than one someone, actually. Many of the fanfictions involving pregnancy get even the most basic facts wrong. As I simply cannot stand that, I am writing this Guide in attempt to correct common errors. As I have given birth to two lovely children, I know a fair bit about pregnancy. Not to mention, I read practically every book on the subject as soon as we found out Rose was on the way.

Clichés

I can count on one hand the fanfics about pregnancy that I have read and liked. (Yes, I read fanfiction, although I avoid reading the ones about myself. Particularly when I am 'shipped' with just about everyone I detest. I also avoid stories in which my children or any of my friends' children are having sex. Not something I want to spend much time dwelling on. I also avoid some of the more graphic James/Lily stories. Don't get me wrong, they are an incredibly cute couple, but they are Harry's parents, and he's like my brother so, just no. In fact, I tend to avoid most of the stories about my world, but I digress.) If you are using pregnancy as a plot device, please try to come at it from a unique angle, or at least know enough about it that you aren't annoyingly wrong. Many of the clichés about pregnancy are not only obnoxious, they often only occur in a fraction of cases. Some of the worst offenders:

- Bizarre cravings all the time

- Horrible morning sickness

- Surprise labor on the side of the road

- "You did this to me"

- Eating for two

Morning Sickness

Not everyone spends the first three months of pregnancy with their heads in a toilet. Symptoms range from slight food aversions to hyperemesis gravidarum. The latter is the condition Kate Middleton suffers from that required her to be hospitalised during her pregnancies. (Of course I know who she is! She is so classy! And unlike the refined, elegant women in my world, she isn't obsessed with blood purity.). Most women are somewhere in the middle. And each pregnancy is different. With Rose I couldn't go anywhere near raw meat without vomiting, and with Hugo I had about three bad days but was perfectly fine the rest of the time. Ginny's morning sickness was more or less nonexistent - she attributes that to growing up with the twins, bragging that nothing can make her sick after they, well I'd rather not say, but it was revolting and the entire house smelled like rotten cabbage and unwashed cats for a week.

Oh and 'morning' sickness is a misnomer. It can happen any time of day. For me it was the worst in the early afternoon.

Finding Out About A Pregnancy

I once read a story in which a girl was in a -shall we say- compromising situation with a young man and woke up vomiting the very next morning. Morning sickness is usually not the first sign of pregnancy. It's impossible to find out until a couple weeks after conception, at least with the current Muggle technology. (And the potion can tell only two days before that, because the body doesn't know it is pregnant until after the embryo attaches to the uterine wall.). A pregnancy test will show the happy (or sad, depending on the situation) little plus sign a few days before a missed period. By the way, conception occurs midway between menstrual periods, although it can happen days before or after that midpoint. I can personally attest to that - Hugo was an acci- surprise.

Before morning sickness, the first symptoms of pregnancy are sore breasts, tiredness and a heightened sense of smell. These come about the same time as the missed period. Morning sickness starts a couple weeks after that, although everyone is different. If a girl isn't paying close attention to her cycle or it's fairly irregular, morning sickness can be the first sign she notices.

Contraception and Fertility

While we're talking about pregnancy, I'd like to take a minute to talk about preventing pregnancy. No contraception method is perfect, although some are better than others. Not to mention, some methods work almost perfectly when used correctly, but are difficult to use correctly.

Why is teen pregnancy so alarmingly common? Teens are more prone to risky behavior and have less access to quality birth control methods. Not to mention, young people are, on average, more fertile than older people.

Honestly, a major pet peeve of mine is when characters are having all sorts of risky sex and no one has any consequences. It happens all the time, in the media as well as in fanfiction. Just about the only accurate portrayal of the consequences of lots of sex in popular media was Season One of Greys Anatomy when Christina got pregnant, half the hospital got syphalis and Merdith spent the entire season sleeping with a man she didn't know was married.

In fanfiction, Sirius Black is usually expert at contraception potions, nobody ever gets horrible magical STDs, and Katara has magical bloodbending birth control. (Yes, I read ATLA fanfics. We watched the entire series as a family. Ron has a bit of an unhealthy love for Sokka. The episode where the library sinks into the desert makes Rose cry. Meanwhile, Hugo went through a phase in which he referred to himself in third person, like The Boulder.). The world if Avatar is based heavily on ancient Asian society, so writers in that fandom should think of a logical birth control that fits in that world. Or work a lack of good birth control into their story. Conflicts and challenges make for a far more interesting story after all.

You know, the Romans had an herb that was an excellent contraceptive, but the Muggles think they used it until it went extinct. It's a magical herb, and after the enactment of the International Statute of Secrecy, every reference to it in the Muggle knowledge base was altered. We still use it today. It's not 100% effective, though, just ask Mrs. Weasley.

Nine Months

Nine months, forty weeks, FOREVER... How long does pregnancy last?

The answer is all of the above. If measured from the date of conception, a pregnancy is nine months long. The medical community measures a pregnancy from the start date of the last menstrual period, which means conception occurs at week two.

Of course very few women give birth on their actual due date, but more on that later.

Eating for Two

Babies are tiny! They need approximately 500 calories a day. Babies in the womb need closer to 300. Eating more than 300 extra calories makes you gain more weight than you should.

Cravings

I had a few cravings here and there, but I am proud to say I never woke Ron up in the middle of the night and made him go buy brownies. That's incredibly inconsiderate. I'm a rational human being, even when my hormones are going crazy. Most women are the same way, although Neville told us a rather amusing story of Hannah making beef stew at four in the morning last week. Of course, he was beaming the entire time he told it because he is just so excited he and Hannah finally get to be parents.

By the way, I thought the pickles-and-ice-cream thing was a myth until Luna was expecting her twins. If course, with Luna there is no way to tell if she ate that bizarre combination twice a week because she was pregnant or because she was Luna.

Due Dates

Due dates are based on the statistical average length of a pregnancy. Only about four percent of women give birth on their due date. Everyone else is either early or late. I found a chart that tells your likelihood of going into labor on any given day and drove Ronald crazy by waking up every morning saying something like, "Today there is a 4.2% chance I'll have the baby today.". Then I cried on my due date because I had been so sure I would be one of the lucky ones whose baby came early, but not so early that they were unhealthy. Ginny had James a full two weeks before she was due. I hate to say it but I was incredibly jealous. I was emotional and huge and swollen, and I couldn't get comfortable, no matter what I did. I may have thrown darts at Ginny's picture. It was not a moment I look back on with pride.

Labor

Average labor for a first time mother takes fourteen hours. Since it is incredibly painful, most women recognize they are in labor long before the baby comes and have plenty of time to get to the hospital. While water breaking is a sign of labor, it is often not the only sign, nor is it the first sign. Yes, some women are walking around when they suddenly gush water, and that's how they know they are in labor. More commonly we have intense, frequent, regular incredibly painful contractions. If a woman has painful contractions three to five minutes apart for an hour, she should get to the hospital or send someone for a healer.

Labor is horribly painful. Not all women react to pain the same way. Most of us don't spend the entire time yelling at the men saying, "You did this to me.". We also dont spend the entire time screaming. You try screaming for twelve hours straight and let me know how that goes. Many women opt for some sort of pain relief these days. Many don't. It depends on the person, but they usually get a choice in the matter.

Well, that seems like a good start. Happy writing! Again, please let me know if you have questions or topics you want me to address in more detail.