This Is The Part Where Pyrrha Dies

A/N: Welcome, one and all, to…..not a Reactsverse fic. Huh. Anyway, let me explain myself before I make a fool of myself.

So, we all know by now Pyrrha dies (spoiler alert, oh my god). Anyway, so you guys may remember my older fic, This Is The Part Where Ruby Dies, making fun of annoying deathfics. Now, there's even MORE annoying deathfics BECAUSE Pyrrha died, so I've been prompted to write my own, ah, answer. Anyway, after all that stuff in canon, we need a little comedy in this section. Come on guys, shape up!

The other thing is I've read the esteemed master/mistress of RWBY writing in this fandom, momoxtoshiro's response to Pyrrha dying, in their fic On Wings of White. I can only agree with most of their points. If you haven't read it yet, go read it now, just like all of their work, it's a brilliant fic.

So, I've decided I'll take a stab at doing something like it myself. As per usual for me, it'll neither be good, nor funny. Let's do it anyway!

DISCLAIMER: RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth, otherwise Pyrrha wouldn't be dead. (I'm sorry, I've run out of jokes. I'm saving them all for this one.) Spoiler alert, although if you've read the title, you know what this is about anyway.

All mentioned franchises and characters belong to their respective owners.

"It's unfortunate that you were promised a power that was never truly yours." Cinder muttered, looking cruelly down at the downed Huntress. With a finger, she lifted Pyrrha's chin up, smiling.

"But…..take comfort in knowing that I will use it in ways you could never have imagined."

Pyrrha pulled away from her touch, looking away briefly, assessing her situation.

These were her last moments, she was sure of it. Her heel was hurt, nobody was around to help her, and she was out of energy to even throw a tiny piece of metal at Cinder.

'…..I'm sorry, Jaune. I…had to do this.'

It was over. However, the spearmaiden wouldn't go out without one last jab at her killer. One last question to pierce her armour.

She raised her head up, glaring at Cinder with as much defiance as she could muster.

"Do you believe in destiny?"

Cinder's eyes narrowed, and she paused briefly, processing what she had just been said.

"Yes." She responded bluntly, before stepping back. With outstretched arms, she called together her bow, forming an arrow in her hands, stretching the bowstring back and aiming directly at Pyrrha's heart.

The spearmaiden resisted the urge to close her eyes, to turn away from her doom.

'…I'm sorry.'

Ruby clambered up over the edge of the balcony, just in time to witness her friend's execution. No time to reach over, no time to save her, no time even to shout out one last comforting remark to let her friend know she was not alone.

Cinder let loose her arrow, sinking it directly into Pyrrha's chest.

However, it was not to be. Pyrrha caught the arrow, holding a hand up.

"Wait, wait, wait WAIT!" The spearmaiden held up, causing Cinder and Ruby to stare at her confusedly.

"Huh? What gives?" Cinder frowned, tilting her head. "This is the scene I execute you!"

"That's not what happens!" Pyrrha protested, standing up on both feet, wiping off the blood from her calf wound. "I thought this was the scene where you try to execute me and Ruby saves me with her super speed!"

The reaper shrugged. "…actually, I was told you died at this part and I just stood here and-wait a second. Why don't I just save you with my super speed?"
"Because you can't! How can you outspeed an arrow-actually, you've got a point there." Cinder conceded, tossing her bow aside and placing a finger on her chin. "But, wait a second."

She took out a script from the folds of her dress, flipping through it and motioning Pyrrha to come over to look at it.

"See?" The pyromancer pointed at a part of the script. "Right there. Stage directions say 'Cinder takes out her bow and shoots Pyrrha in the chest'. 'Pyrrha is then to choke to death on her own blood and die.' See, right there? This is the part where Pyrrha dies."

"…..are you kidding me? That's what it says?" Ruby sidled up over to the script.

"Haaaang on a sec!" Jaune came in from behind one of the cogs, frowning as he stormed over to Cinder and everyone else to check the script. "Are you saying Pyrrha just…..dies?!"

Pyrrha sighed. "Apparently so. Who even wrote that in?"

"Look, lady, I'm here to pay the bills, not to ask questions." Cinder remarked. "Now just sit back over there, kneel like a good girl and get shot by an arrow and choke to death."

"No way!" Pyrrha cried, taking out her own script, flipping through it to confirm she did indeed die in this scene. "Like…..that's stupid! I mean, I get the whole 'I get shot in the heel because I'm an Achilles expy' thing, but…..really?"
Ruby frowned. "I'm fast enough to tackle her before the arrow even hits her! Why don't I get to save her?"

" Because that's not how tragedy works, Ruby." Cinder sighed exasperatedly. "Seriously, it's like I'm working with a bunch of amateurs."

Jaune stared at her. "Tragedy?! Okay, fine. I get they had to kill Penny off, Torchwick, even-"
"Hey, I'm still irritated about that." Cinder remarked. "He got a bigger paycheck than me, for Dust's sake! Just because all the fangirls love him…."

"But really? They set Pyrrha up to die so hard, and then just kill her off?"

Ruby nodded in agreement. "He's got a point. The way they set Pyrrha up, she was as doomed as a Sean Bean role. Or a cute girl in a Gen Urobochi anime. They could've tried to subvert it!"
"And they just made me kiss Jaune, too!" Pyrrha complained. "That's just cruel! I mean…..I want to be with him and not die! The fans have been waiting WAY too long for this! I've been waiting way too long for that! You know how long I've been waiting to have a kissing scene with Jaune? Three volumes! Three!

And I'm going to complain about how this whole thing came about to begin with. Where was Weiss? Why wouldn't Weiss help Ruby with me? And another thing, I'd probably stop by to grab some back-up before I headed up here to begin with.

I mean, I'm facing a goddess. I want someone to back me up so I at least have some chance of beating her!"
"Well, I mean, they give you a chance at beating me….." Cinder pointed out weakly, but Pyrrha wouldn't have her protests.

"And another thing- you're supposed to be a goddess, but I'm beating you for most of the fight! And suddenly you grow teleportation powers and just shoot me in the leg?! Are you kidding me?!" The spearmaiden snapped. "Screw that! Amber didn't have those! Why do you?!"
"I…." Cinder weakly raised a finger, but Pyrrha, again, refused to have her protests. She harrumphed, crossing her arms in annoyance.
"Screw this. They're not paying me enough to do this. I quit! The writers have got to quit doing that! They just set me up to die, so screw that, I'm out of here, they can take my paycheck, whatever. No more nice girl Pyrrha!" Pyrrha cried before grabbing Jaune by the collar. "Come on, lover boy."
"U-uh? What-" Jaune inquired, but before he could complete his sentence, the spearmaiden pushed her lips into his, dragging him behind a pair of large cogs to presumably make out.

Cinder shook her fist at Pyrrha's back as she left out of disgust. "You can't just quit! Pyrrha? Come back here! Pyrrha!"

"She kinda just did." Ruby pointed out, sighing. "You know….this is kinda ruined now."
"You think?" The pyromancer replied, before huffing. "This was supposed to be my big villainous moment, you know. This was the big moment where I was gonna show everyone how evil I was! And get a pay raise!

I take out an arrow and kill a student and one of the main characters-wait, that sounds…..very, very wrong."
"Yes, fantasise about killing children." Roman remarked from nearby, twirling his cane. "You know, I don't know why you're complaining. I got stuck with Miss Sugar Rush over here,", he remarked, pointing over to Penny, who was fiddling with what appeared to be a film camera recording the scene. "And I got killed before I even got to finish my big speech! At least all the fangirls want me back for some more stuff, although who this 'Hannibal Chau' guy is, I've no clue."

"Yes, but you weren't even important to begin…..you know what? I'm done." Cinder threw her hands up in exasperation. "This is overrated and now we can't even finish shooting because the big star of the scene just quit to make out with her boyfriend.

I'm going for some shawarma. I need some, anyway, today's shooting's given me a headache. You guys up for it?"
Ruby drooled at the mention of shawarma. "Oooooh, I love shawarma. I don't even know when I last had any! Count me in!"
Pyrrha's head poked up over the cog, her normally well-groomed hair messed up and no longer in a ponytail.

"Shawarma…." She said, out of breath and breathing heavily. " O-oh….I-I'd be up for that!"

"…make yourself decent first." Torchwick remarked drily. "Well, food's on me. They gave me a really nice severance package and I'm feeling generous tonight."

"This whole thing's a farce." Weiss remarked irritably as she watched her fellow castmates leave. "It's like some idiot tried to write a terrible parody of film-making…..whatever.

You guys, wait for me! I want food too!"

Somewhere else….

A trio of shadowy, dark figures sighed, watching their stars leave the set to go eat food instead.

"I don't get it!" The shadowy figure on the right said. "How could they question the masterpiece that is my script?! This was perfect despair! Perfect!

All the fans getting their Arkos tease and having poor Pyrrha just snatched away like that!"
"Well, they had a point." The figure on the left pointed out. "Weiss wouldn't let Ruby go up there to face a literal goddess alone, and Pyrrha's probably smarter than that too. Not to mention all the plot holes we left…."
The figure in the middle rubbed their head, grabbing a director's beret. "….we're going to need to think of a new way to continue this show. And to think we were going to make Jaune one of the big stars…."

"Well, we're going to have to deal with that first." The shadowy figure on the left pointed outside, to a group of angry protesters with torches and pitchforks, raising various fan artworks of Pyrrha and Jaune doing everything from kissing to rather risqué acts and advancing inexorably towards their door.

"…and we pissed the fans off. Well.

It was a pleasure knowing you all, gentlemen, I think I'll see you in the next life."

And so, the whole cast of RWBY decided to go out for a nice dinner instead of shooting each other to death with flaming arrows of killing death and the directors of the whole farce were dragged out and beaten with pillows for ruining their fan preferred couple.

Pyrrha and Jaune got hitched, had many children, and grew old together in a retirement home, as they should.

And it ended happily ever after. For everyone except the directors, of course.

And Cardin. Nobody cares about him.

END

A/N: I have no regrets. #ArkosForever scumbags. Also, I hope I did the efforts of the great momoxtoshiro justice when I tried to take the mickey out of the ending, because damn am I ALSO bitter about it and the plot holes.

So, I hope you enjoyed that, leave your ideas, comments, criticisms, thoughts, suggestions and reviews, and I hope you have a GREAT day!