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I do not own FMA, nor do I wish to. Seems like it'd be a lot of trouble. I'm just writing for fun, no money is being made.

For anyone reading on a mobile device with an app that has a broken 'Review' option; story ID is : 11778669

This chapter is probably more of a General rating, except language.
italics are inside thoughts.

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Al had called the office to tell Brigadier General Mustang that Ed wouldn't be in to give his report for a few days. He'd gotten sick on the train back from a mission and was delirious, no information would be forthcoming.

Mustang wasn't about to allow Ed any leniency though, if he could spare the time he would, but the higher ups were breathing down his neck, so he ended up telling Al to cart him in on a wheel-barrow if necessary. He needed that report today.

And Al came in, carrying Ed on his back and depositing him on the general's couch. Then he stood there and glared at Mustang while the team tried to wake Ed up.

It worked. Eventually. And Mustang was able to ask questions. He dismissed his crew; the case had sensitive information, and while he trusted them completely, he didn't need them hearing about the gruesome details. Al stayed because even though he wasn't military he had gone on the case with Ed, and Mustang could tell that it would be a fight to get the younger Elric to leave the office. Al was no longer a suit of armor but he was still a formidable fighter, it just wasn't worth it.

Getting all the answers took a lot longer than he'd originally thought. Ed might as well have been drunk with how helpful he was being. He giggled at some questions, fell in and out of consciousness, gave half answers, and constantly forgot the words he needed.

Eventually it was over and Mustang dismissed Al and Ed. He had to translate the notes he'd made into an actual report for his superiors before morning.

"I know you hate me now Al, but thank you. This report is quite urgent or I wouldn't have asked you to bring him in."
From the couch where Al was trying to gather his brother onto his back again, Ed started giggling. "You're stupid Mustang!" he giggled some more. "It's so obvious. You're just useless."

Al started to worry, Mustang never responded well to being called useless. He'd better get his brother out of here before anything else fell out of his mouth he didn't mean.

The general reined his emotions in faster than usual, picking up on a part of Ed's slurred slander that was odd.

"Al, stop." He directed his voice toward Edward, his eyes scrutinising the older blond. "What's obvious Ed?"

Ed giggled some more, "Oh come on Brigadier General. " he emphasised the words and even in his cough medicine induced drunken state managed to sound condescending. "Even Hawkeye figured it out years ago. You're a dumb dummy." Then collapsed into a fit of giggles and coughs.

Al knew immediately what Ed was referring to and panicked. He had to get Ed out of here. Ignoring the General's orders to stop he gave up on backpacking and scooped his brother up and made for the door.

Mustang had not expected Ed's ramblings to be any more than inflated insults, so Al's panic and attempted escape surprised him. It wasn't too hard to block the door before the boy had made it much farther than halfway through the room.

"Sir, Ed's sick, I have to get him back to the dorm before his fever rises more than it already has."

Mustang ignored him, "Hawkeye! In here now!" he commanded, stepping far enough away from the door to let her in.
Al's panic grew, "Sir. No! Please! Just let us go back. Ed needs sleep! Please?"

The General was starting to worry now, Al was begging. What the hell kind of secret had they been keeping from him?

Hawkeye had entered the room, taking in Al's fearful expression and the worried confusion of her superior she plastered indifference to her face, she was not choosing a side.

Keeping his eyes on his friend and partner for almost a lifetime he directed his question at the medicated drunk, "Ed, what did Hawkeye figure out years ago?" and Mustang watched her face drain of colour. Though, he had to give her credit, she didn't flinch or otherwise give any indication she knew what was coming. It was just that now her face matched the colour of the papers on his desk.

Ed decided to just repeat Mustang's earlier sentence instead of answering, "bring him in." and he giggled some more, "bring HIM in. bring hiiiimmm in. bring him in bring him in bring him in." He continued to sing in the background and Mustang started to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Still looking at his unflinching subordinate he asked Ed another question, "Who should he have brought in Ed?"

Ed stopped singing, "HER!" he shouted at the top of his lungs then collapsed into another fit of giggles, which turned into a coughing fit, before passing out cold.

No one moved. Mustang felt his stomach drop to the floor. Hawkeye still hadn't moved, her lack of response confirming his thoughts.

Slowly, Al started making his way toward the door. The sleeping Ed still on his back.

Mustang turned his head to acknowledge the escape, "Do NOT leave your room!" he commanded. Al nodded and fled the office. He wouldn't leave the room, but he didn't have to let anyone in. He'd alchemically remove the door and replace it with a wall as soon as he got there.

Mustang was still frozen in place, processing the information. Hawkeye dared not move in case it triggered a reaction she wasn't ready for. They stood in silence until Havoc knocked on the door. "Sir, admin called. They've moved the report deadline up to an hour from now."

Mustang snapped out of it. "Fuck." He didn't have time to get upset about this right now.

He motioned for Hawkeye to sit down and then he moved behind his desk.

First, he'd get this report done. Then, he'd get all the answers he needed from Riza. THEN he was going to the bar to get very drunk.

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Ok, first chapter of anything in a very long time. Constructive reviews appreciated. There's more chapters coming, I've already written them. Though a few are ... well, i'm not sure i'm allowed to publish them on this site.